Turn the Tables
by tag58
Summary: What if the tables were turned, and Kaidan was the one who died when the Normandy went down? Why does Cerberus bring him back? How does he react? And what would Shepard do? A rewrite of ME2, with a serious twist and Shenko all the way...
1. The Setup

_A/N - This story - as the summary indicates - follows the plot of ME2, although with a distinct twist - it's Kaidan that goes for Joker in the beginning, and Kaidan that Cerberus rebuilds. Although I don't plan to rewrite ME2 from start to finish - it will follow the plot, but sometimes not exactly, and there may be stuff in the future that didn't ever happen until this fic, there will be plenty of times where I quote dialog from the game, sometimes verbatim, so I will state clearly that I own none of these characters, the ME2 plot, nor the dialog. They are all property of Bioware, to whom I am eternally grateful for giving me this incredible world to play in and write about~  
_

_For those of you who have read my fic Reflections (shameless plug) this will be quite a different experience. This fic is going to be dark, it's going to feature more-often-than-not angry or unhappy Shepard/Kaidan, and it's going to have wall-to-wall angst... However, in its favor, it will be 100%, from the beginning, Shenko, unlike ME2 The Original. __ In the end, I guess I had... issues... with ME2 I needed to work out. This fic is the result lol_. I hope that is enough to keep you reading! If you like, please drop me a line and let me know! If you don't, I'd still love to hear from you~

_This fic is rated M for - initially - strong language and - eventually - adult content. If that offends you or isn't appropriate for you, please look away :-) When we get to the um, good stuff, it will be clearly labeled so you can avoid it if you prefer~_

_One final word before I leave you to it - a huge thanks to StoneburntHeart for her encouragement and for beta-reading this for me!_

* * *

It was a vast open room, dark except for the holo screens and the giant view of the dying star that dominated one end. The star's fiery orange-red glow provided the only light. Two people – a man and a woman – were the sole occupants of the room. They were the masterminds, the elite of an organization that had made its name and become an enemy to many along the way. They considered themselves humanity's last defense. Today, they would put the finishing touches on a plan that would raise their organization to the level of power they had worked years to achieve.

She spoke first, her crisp voice accented by the tones of Australia, "Shepard did everything right. More than they could have hoped for. Saving the Citadel – even saving the Council. She has gained the trust of the entire galaxy…"

"Her sacrifices have earned humanity the council's gratitude," he answered, in affirmation of her reports, "Shepard is who we need."

"But they're sending her to the Terminus Systems to chase down **geth**. She won't be easy to reach." She pointed out. "The council does not believe in our goals – they'd never listen to us. They'd never trust us." Then she sighed, it was irrelevant anyway. They had discarded appealing to the council in previous strategy sessions. "But Shepard, they'd follow her… She's a hero, a bloody icon."

"We will acquire Shepard," he informed her, taking a drag on his ever present cigarette and exhaling slowly. "Our plans are in place, the information has been leaked. See that you are ready to complete your part."

With that dismissal, she gave a crisp nod and walked out to begin her preparations.

~x~

Deep in Terminus space, life aboard the scout class frigate _Normandy SR1_ bustled with business as usual. They had been out here for four days, patrolling this sector, and no geth activity had yet to be detected. There was an air of frustration in the CIC as they dropped from FTL to continue their patrol and Navigator Charles Pressly couldn't help but voice it. He was too old for this, he thought, running around in the far reaches of the galaxy for what everyone on board knew was a wild goose chase.

"We're wasting our time. Four days searching up and down this sector and we haven't found any sign of geth activity," he grumbled while reviewing the datapad in his hand.

Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau turned to nod at him, then went back to his board. He knew Pressly was just frustrated, but still, "three ships went missing here in the past month - something happened to them."

"My money's on slavers," Pressly barked back, "the Terminus Systems are crawling with them."

Ensign Caroline Grenado interrupted their debate to inform them, "Picking up something on the long-range scanner. Unidentified vessel. Hmmm. Looks like a cruiser."

Joker checked the scanner himself and noted, "Doesn't match any known signatures."

Grenado announced, alarm beginning to enter her previously bored voice, "Cruiser is changing course. Now on intercept trajectory."

Pressly shook his head, sure that the still-green ensign was reading her diagnostics incorrectly, "Can't be. Stealth systems are engaged. There's no way a geth ship could possibly-"

His words were cut off as Joker, who had been double checking the diagnostics, exclaimed in alarm, "It's not the geth. Brace for evasive maneuvers." Joker worked furiously at the helm, trying to evade the monster ship he could see looming on the edge of scanners. The ship was closing fast. Despite his best efforts, the enemy ship's laser turret sliced out across the _Normandy's_ hull, scoring a direct hit. He saw Pressly fall to his left as the XO was struck by an explosion from the damage. He shook his head and continued to coax everything he could from the now-limping _Normandy_. She was his ship; he would do his best to keep her safe.

In the next moment, the enemy struck again, another direct hit, and Ensign Grenado fell out of her chair with a groan, Joker continued to bark orders and status reports to a now-empty cockpit, working furiously against all odds, against hope. The _Normandy_ was failing fast, but he refused to give up.

~x~

Down in Engineering, the damage to the _Normandy_ was brutal, explosions and fires were rampant, and Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko ran through the chaos, drawing on his helmet as he went, desperate to find Shepard. He knew where he would likely find her – at the control panel which would launch the distress beacon – and he leaped fires and dodged hanging wires to make his way to her. She was exactly where he expected, her helmet already in place, working at the panel. She had her back to him and he called to her to get her attention, not surprised to hear the panic in his own voice.

"Shepard!" he exclaimed, "Will the Alliance even get here in time?" He wondered at the futility of a distress beacon when it was clear that the _Normandy_ was going down, fast.

"Someone has to retrieve the escape pods," she told him calmly. Just as he hadn't been surprised at the panic in his voice, the utter calm in hers was expected. Shepard was nothing if not cool in a crisis. Just another reason he admired her, respected her command. But right now, he thought, panic rising, she was the woman he loved, and he needed to get her on one of those escape pods she had mentioned.

"Shepard you need to get off the _Normandy_, now. She's going down." He grimaced a bit at hearing the situation from his own lips, but he knew she was aware of it as he.

"Negative, Lieutenant," she answered him now, as his commander, not the woman he had held, naked in their bed, just two hours before, "Joker is still in the cockpit, he refuses to abandon ship. I'm going to get him." She turned to make good on her words.

He grabbed her arm and swung her back to him, frantic to make her listen. "Shepard, you **need** to get to the escape pod. The crew needs you. I'll go for Joker." He offered the last, desperate to get her safe, to make her listen. He knew she was in full command mode, thinking of him as just her subordinate at the moment, making decisions based on fact, not emotion. He wished he had that ability right now, but he refused to see the woman he loved go down with her ship.

She stared at him, her eyes meeting his through the barriers of their visors, and she saw the things he wasn't saying to her in his gaze. She softened and tried another approach, "Kaidan," she broke off on a sigh, "you know it's what I have to do. You get the crew to the pods, I'll get Joker. We'll meet up on the surface."

He stared at her, desperate, hearing the appeal in her words but unable to comply. "No, Shepard, let me do this. Please," he said quietly, "I need to know you're safe. Please do this for me."

She stood, holding his eyes for another minute, searching them, then she finally nodded. "Alright, Kaidan, go get that stubborn ass pilot and get to an escape pod. ASAP." She bumped her helmet lightly against his in the closest contact they could manage, fully suited. "And stay safe, Lieutenant. That's an order!" She turned then and made her way towards the escape pods, barking out orders to the straggling crew along the way. Kaidan watched her go for a moment, breathing a sigh of relief. She would be safe.

~x~

Once Shepard was strapped in the last escape pod, having directed the remaining members of the crew to theirs and ensuring their release, she sat back with a sigh. The pod jerked, releasing from its tube, and jolted her in her harness. She brought her arms up to brace herself against the shoulder harness and wished she could settle her stomach as easily. 'I shouldn't have left him' was the thought that repeated in an endless cycle in her brain, 'I should have made him go.' Shepard was a woman of action, of command. She was used to giving orders and changing the world around her to suit her goals. Sitting here now, in the quiet of the pod, watching the shocked glares of the crew on board with her, listening to her brain tell her she had made the wrong choice and feeling her stomach sink with the prospect of losing the person that meant the most to her in this galaxy, she felt helpless. She was not a spiritual woman, she had never really understood Ashley's belief in a God – although she had respected the other woman and envied her faith – so she wasn't sure that anyone would hear her when she closed her eyes and began to quietly repeat, over and over, 'Please let him be ok.' It sounded like a prayer, even if she wasn't sure it would be answered.

~x~

As Kaidan made his way up the stairs and through the door to the ruined CIC, he could see the devastation around him. His heart sank, and he wondered if his mission was already failed. The CIC had lost atmosphere and gravity and he felt his mag boots kick in, holding him to the floor against the vacuum of space. He made slowly made his way to the cockpit, the utter silence and stillness around him roaring in his ears as loudly as the explosions and fires and screams below deck had before. It seemed to be the longest journey of his life, just those last few meters, but he could see Joker now -protected behind a thin kinetic barrier, helmet on, still safe – in the cockpit. His heart surged with renewed determination and he made his way to the man who he considered not just an outstanding member of the crew but a friend.

When he breached the barrier, he placed a hand on Joker's shoulder, getting the man's attention. He noted that Joker was still furiously working his boards, mumbling both orders and status reports, seemingly to himself. He looked up, surprised, when Kaidan touched him.

"Joker, come on," Kaidan spoke gently, "it's time to go."

Kaidan saw the panic and shock on the other man's face and noted the stubborn set to his jaw. "No! I won't abandon the _Normandy_!" Joker replied desperately, "I can still save her!"

Kaidan spoke sharper this time, his voice more commanding, "The _Normandy's_ lost. Going down with the ship won't change that."

He saw the acceptance finally sink in and Joker nodded, "Yeah… ok. Help me up."

He grabbed the man's arm to yank him out of the cockpit, forgetting in the stress of the moment about the other man's brittle bones, and winced a bit when Joker yelped in pain.

They both saw it through the viewport, although it was only Joker who exclaimed, "They're coming around for another attack!" The monster enemy ship sliced through the remnants of the cockpit with its laser, and Kaidan just managed to toss Joker in the last escape pod and push the release before he was swept out, into open space. He didn't hear Joker's panicked cry of "Kaidan!" as the escape pod carried the pilot off.

Ok, Kaidan thought to himself, still in my hardsuit, maybe I can hold out until the Alliance rescue crews arrive. The next instant, he cursed himself for thinking too soon as he realized he was losing air, fast. He reached behind him, desperately trying to reach the leak, knowing that his efforts would be in vain. His last thought before he lost consciousness was of Shepard, glad that she had probably made it. At least one of them would live on. He surrendered to the now peaceful black around him.

~x~

She knew that the call was unlikely to go well. Her boss was not one to accept failure well, and although she knew this wasn't her fault, she was the messenger; she was likely to bear the brunt of his anger. Still, she had to do her duty, so once she was connected, she took a deep breath, steeled herself and forged ahead.

"Sir, the mission failed. The _Normandy_ went down over Alchera, in the Omega System, as predicted, but Alliance chatter indicates that Shepard and her remaining crew were rescued shortly thereafter. There were only 22 casualties, only two of whom were officers." She gave her report in as succinct and calm a manner as she could manage and paused, waiting for the dressing down she expected. It didn't come.

"Which officers?" he inquired, his voice level and curious.

"Navigator Charles Pressly - the XO - and Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko - the head of the marine detail." She read from the datapad in her hand.

"Ah," he said, sounding pleased now. "Her lover. Yes. It's not ideal, but we can work with that. We'll make it work," he seemed to be thinking aloud, almost forgetting that she was there. She saw his holographic form nod, once, seemingly coming to a decision, then he directed his attention back to her. "The Lazarus project will proceed. Have Lieutenant Alenko's body recovered and begin your work once it is."

If she had learned anything in the time she had worked with this man, it was to not question how his mind worked. He always seemed to have a plan, then another and another if the original plan failed. She didn't allow any surprise or doubt show in her manner as she replied, "Yes, sir," then disconnected so that she could follow his orders.


	2. Rebirth

_A/N - Can I just say that last chapter was horrible to write? I will never again write anything that involves Kaidan's death, promise. Because I couldn't leave things like that, here's the next one already... Still don't own anything, all Bioware..._

_huge thanks as always to StoneburntHeart for her awesome support and beta! _

_I hope you are enjoying ME2 'my' way, fill out that review form and let me know :-)  
_

* * *

"Miranda," the imposing figure known to his subordinates as only the Illusive Man said from his chair, lit cigarette in hand, "how is your progress? Is the Lazarus Project proceeding on schedule?"

Miranda Lawson nodded and gave her report, "Progress is slow, but subject shows signs of recovery. Major organs are once again functional, and there are signs of rudimentary neurological activity. In an effort to accelerate the process, we've moved from simple organic reconstruction to bio-synthetic fusion. That was the reason behind the request for additional funding. Initial results show promise." At the last statement, she couldn't keep the surprise from showing on her face. She had taken the project as almost a hypothetical experiment, not expecting the success she'd achieved. She hoped it would please the Illusive Man as much as it had her.

She was rewarded with simply a nod. "Good. See that you stay on track," was his only comment.

When it appeared that he would dismiss her and end the conference, she took the initiative and voiced the thoughts that had piqued her curiosity for months now. "Sir, is there any news about Shepard?"

He narrowed his eyes at her, the only sign of his displeasure, and answered, "Not yet. She is apparently laying low, staying off the grid. Her only public contact is a monthly plea to the council regarding the Reaper threat, which they appear to ignore as nothing more than an annoyance. I have agents trying to locate her, but so far they have failed. Still, Project Lazarus is not ready. We have time. And I have no doubt that when Shepard hears that her long lost lover has returned and is under Cerberus control, she will come out of hiding and to his rescue."

"It's not like her – it's out of character," Miranda responded, worried that it was an unknown. It was an element of chaos and Miranda hated chaos, she preferred order in all things. "Is there any chance she is aware of the Project, of our intentions?"

"I don't see how," the Illusive Man dismissed her concerns, "we have kept you well-hidden. Do not worry about Shepard, Miranda - just continue your work. I'll expect another report soon."

Miranda nodded, accepting the dismissal, and returned to her patient.

~x~

He couldn't see, couldn't feel, he was floating in a gray haze. Still, something had penetrated his consciousness, disturbed his peace. He tried to focus his thoughts on the stimulus, decipher what had reached him through the fog. He couldn't think. Then, he heard it again. A female voice speaking in an accented voice. He sensed that she was close but her voice echoed, as if it was far away. He heard another voice, male. They seemed to be arguing. It confused him, he tried to open to his eyes, to focus…

"There, on the monitor, something's wrong…" he heard the female voice say.

"He's reacting to outside stimuli. Showing an awareness of his surroundings," the male voice replied. "Oh my God, Miranda, I think he's waking up."

Kaidan began to panic, to struggle against the fog around him, to let these people know that he was there he could hear them. He heard the sounds of his own breath and heartbeat ringing in his ears. He saw lights and figures moving across his hazy vision. The man and the woman he had heard speaking. Impressions of blue eyes, the woman leaning over him. He heard her voice again, raised in anger this time.

"Damn it Wilson, he's not ready yet. Give him the sedative!" he heard her voice bark out the order. Then she leaned down to him again and spoke, in a softer tone, "Kaidan, don't try to move." She knew his name? How did she know him? "Just lie still. Try to stay calm," she told him, trying to soothe him. He reached for the words, trying to reply, trying to speak, but they wouldn't come. What was wrong with him?

"Heart rates still climbing. Brain activity is off the charts," he heard the man report. Kaidan could hear the sounds of machines beeping in alarm, and it increased his panic. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he move? Why couldn't he speak? "Stats pushing into the red zone. It's not working!" the man's voice was climbing in panic now. Kaidan struggled harder, trying to communicate, to question.

He heard the woman order, "Another dose, now!" over the alarms of the machines. Then the fog was back, he was going under again, drowning, he didn't want this. He needed to know… Before he lost consciousness completely, he heard the man report, "Heart rate dropping. Stats falling back into normal range. That was too close, we almost lost him." And the woman reply, in castigation, "I told you your estimates were off. Run the numbers again." The black claimed him.

~x~

The next time he surfaced, he heard the woman again, this time her voice was sharp and alarmed. "Wake up, Lieutenant!" He opened his eyes and found this time the fog was gone and his eyes were clear. He could see. Still, he felt slow, weighted, and he hurt, as if he was recovering from serious injury. What the hell? Had he survived being spaced? The last thing he remembered, he had been violently ejected from the _Normandy_ by an explosion in the cockpit and was losing air fast. Was he in a hospital? The room did appear to be some type of medical center or laboratory, but it was empty. Shepard… where was Shepard? Did she make it too?

The voice wouldn't leave him to his thoughts; instead she continued, "Kaidan, do you hear me? Get out that bed now - this facility is under attack." Great. Just woke up in a hospital, right back into danger. Great luck he was having. And who was this woman? Where was Shepard? He tried to move, slowly, and found that he could, although he was stiff and sore. His face, specifically, felt like it was ripped apart. He brought his hand up to his chin to feel for damage, and realized that she must be watching him because her next words were, "Kaidan, your scars aren't healed, but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack." Right, Alenko, move now, think later. He crawled off the bed.

~x~

By the time he lost coms with her, he decided he did not like Miranda Lawson. Although he appreciated her advice about the new heat sinks (when had that happened anyway? How long had he been out?) and the grenade launcher (heavy weapons were not really his thing, but it had been handy, dispatching those mechs with ease), he was an experienced combat marine. He really didn't need her constant nagging about getting to cover or moving faster, and the mechs he had faced were not a serious threat, not after the things he had seen recently. Besides, he could handle himself in a fight, no matter how unexpected.

Which reminded him – what the hell was up with his biotics? Although he still seemed to have the same power – perhaps even more – reaching for it was more difficult. He was used to having to restrain himself, almost constantly, it's one of the reasons he'd worked so hard to perfect the control he had. After Vyrnnus, he wouldn't take a chance of unleashing his full force without intent. Now, it seemed like the control was mechanical, he had to work against his amp to unleash it. Strange. Something about what he had mentally decided to call his accident must have affected his implant or amp. It would take adjustment. Good thing he had a pistol. New ammunition system or not, there was nothing strange about the feel of a pistol in his hands. He went through the door in front of him and ducked beside the man he saw under fire from a group of mechs. Who was this now?

"Alenko," he heard the man yell, "what are you doing up? I thought Miranda said you weren't ready yet?" Then he leaned over the railing that served as their cover and executed a pull and dispensed the mech he caught in his mass effect field with his pistol. A biotic, too, then, Kaidan thought, and leaned over cover to dispense a mech himself.

"You know me, shouldn't you return the favor?" he asked as the two traded covering each other and fought with combination of biotics and guns.

"Sorry," the other man relaxed as Kaidan killed the last mech in the wave. "Jacob Taylor, Miranda's second in command. Thanks for your help with those mechs."

Kaidan shook Taylor's hand and inquired, "What's going on? Why are your security mechs attacking?" The question that had been plaguing him since Miranda had woken him.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Taylor grimaced, "although it would have to be an inside job. No one without the codes could turn them against us. We need to get to the shuttles and off this station, it's apparently not safe here."

When the other man started to rise to make good on his words, Kaidan reached out an arm and held him in place. "Not so fast, Taylor, I need some answers first."

Taylor nodded, and sat again. "Fair enough, I'm sure this must be strange. What do you want to know?"

Kaidan knew the question that he wanted to ask first, but he decided to see how honest Taylor would be and if he could trust the man before he asked it. If Shepard was alive, and not here, he wouldn't risk her safety with an unknown enemy. The insignias he had seen painted on the walls of the halls he had traveled to get to this man - and the one on Taylor's armor - stirred a memory and he didn't like the suspicion building in his gut. So, he asked the next logical question, "Where are we? What is this place?"

"We're on a hidden research station, base for Project Lazarus." Taylor informed him, apparently willing to cooperate with Kaidan – for now.

"Project Lazarus?" Kaidan asked, question in his voice.

"Yeah," Taylor replied, "Top secret project with one goal – reconstructing _you_."

Reconstructing? What the hell did that mean? Kaidan filed that away for later and decided to test Taylor further. "You're Cerberus, right? Am I a prisoner?"

Taylor looked at him in surprise, then pointedly looked at the pistol in Kaidan's hand, "Doesn't look like it," he scoffed, answering Kaidan's second question first, "But yeah, we're Cerberus. Look, Alenko, things have changed. Cerberus is different. You'll find out soon enough, but that doesn't change the fact that we need to work together to get off this base."

Kaidan nodded, accepting that for now. He'd have to trust the man until he could get the hell out of Cerberus' clutches. Still, there were things he needed to know. Things he couldn't wait to ask. "What happened to the _Normandy_, to the crew?"

Taylor's eyes reflected sympathy when he answered, "The _Normandy_ went down, completely destroyed. But most of the crew survived. There were minimal casualties. Only two officers – you and Pressly."

Kaidan nodded. It didn't surprise him to hear the _Normandy_ had been destroyed. There hadn't been much of her left when he was spaced. But if only two officers… He ignored that Taylor had listed him among them for now - he couldn't restrain himself from asking, "And Shepard, she made it?"

"Your CO?" At Kaidan's nod, Taylor reassured him, "Yeah, she made it - she wasn't on the casualty list. But no idea where she is now. She's been off the grid since the _Normandy_ went down."

Off the grid? Shepard? What the fuck was going on here? Hopefully he'd get more answers once he got back to the Alliance. But that wouldn't happen unless he got the hell off this station. "Ok, Taylor, which way to the shuttles?"

~x~

Two hours, a whole lot of dead mechs, and one traitorous scientist later, Kaidan was seated on the escape shuttle, staring into the faces of two Cerberus operatives, and not believing one word out of their mouths. He had been dead? As in ceased to exist - no brain function - dead? And that was two years ago? And for some reason, Cerberus – of all people – had decided to play God and resurrect him like some science project (ok that part did sound like Cerberus, as far as he knew, they hadn't met a torturous experiment on humanity that they could resist) and now they wanted him to work for them? The fuck? Kaidan felt like his world had suddenly flipped into opposite world – where good was bad, right was wrong.

"Why me?" he asked the one question that kept ringing through his head, louder than the rest.

"Why not you?" Taylor shot back. "You're an experienced combat veteran and you have fought Reapers before. We need someone who can fully appreciate the threat…"

He broke off as Miranda interjected; apparently deciding to lay her cards on the table, "Because we need Shepard. And no one else can reach her. We figure you can."

Of course you can't reach her, you're Cerberus, he sneered back – mentally. Shepard would never trust these people and now it looked like they were planning to use him as bait to lure her out. As if he would ever risk her like that. And how had Cerberus known about their relationship? Because the implication in Miranda's words was clear – they were aware that he and Shepard were more than just CO and subordinate. Not good.

"Why would I?" Kaidan asked, quietly.

"Because you know the threat is real," Miranda sat forward, imploring him, "You know the Reapers are still out there. The council, the Alliance, they have ignored the warnings, placed the galaxy in jeopardy. But Cerberus has the resources and the belief. We're willing to take up the cause. We can do some good here, not just for humanity, but for all races. But we **need** Shepard. We brought you back so that you could convince her."

There was more here than what she was saying, Kaidan thought. Still, it wasn't likely that she would share those secrets with him. He remained silent and watched as she sighed in resignation, and sat back in her seat.

"Look, just talk to the Illusive Man when we get to our destination. He can answer all your questions, make the situation clear." She said quietly.

"The Illusive Man?" Kaidan questioned, that was a term he'd never heard.

"He's our leader," Taylor supplied, "although that's not his real name, obviously. No one knows that."

Kaidan nodded. That sounded like the Cerberus he remembered. Always hiding in shadows and behind clever names. "Alright, I'll talk to him." And the bastard damn well better have a more convincing story than these two did. He settled back and closed his eyes to shut the other occupants out. He'd finish this ride in peace.

~x~

"Miranda," the Illusive Man sounded less than thrilled, "Alenko is awake? I thought your last report indicated he wasn't ready yet?"

Miranda had known that he wouldn't receive the news well, and had rushed to the holo room to fill him in as soon as they reached the base. Still, she winced at the censure. Expected or not, it stung. "Yes, Sir, it was ahead of schedule, but I had no choice. That bastard Wilson hacked all the mechs on the station and was planning to kill him. I had to wake him and get him to safety."

The Illusive Man nodded, took a drag of his cigarette and accepted the explanation. "Unfortunate, but you did the best you could," he gave her credit for quick thinking under pressure - the Project could have failed completely without her action, "I assume that Lazarus was a success then? He's functional, aware, has his memories?"

"Yes, Sir," she confirmed. "His actions in combat were fluid, he displayed the level of competence expected for someone of his experience. He didn't rely on his biotics as much as I'd have expected," she reported reflectively, "but other than that, he appears intact. Our subsequent conversation in the shuttle showed that his personality also seems unaffected. He displayed the level of suspicion and mistrust we expected from his psychological profile."

Her boss nodded, slowly, and sucked on his cigarette again before replying, on an exhale of smoke, "And how much does he know? What did you tell him?"

"I had to tell him about Shepard," she replied, rushing to explain herself, "he's too smart to believe we invested billions of credits for an L2 biotic sentinel holding the rank of Staff Lieutenant, no matter how talented."

"Yes," he affirmed, "I agree. And better to keep his suspicions to a minimum even if it means showing some cards. And the electronic leash, Miranda, has that been tested?"

She sighed and had to admit, "Only in simulations so far, the attack came before live tests could be done. Still, the simulations were perfect, it should work as you requested."

"Good," he nodded again, swirling the ice in his glass of bourbon, "We'll maintain our plans to keep it as a last resort – for now. Hopefully we'll be able to convince him through other means and won't have to use it. I assume he'd like to speak with me?"

"Yes, Sir," Miranda confirmed.

"Very well," the Illusive Man replied, "send the Lieutenant in. This should be… interesting."


	3. Threat Assessment

_A/N - This chapter is subtitled "What I always wanted to say to TIM and ME2 wouldn't let me" ;-) I borrowed Kaidan for it instead... What? He didn't mind..._

_Thanks to lyv, Jena, Gabe97, StoneburntHeart and InuGuardian1984 for taking the time to share their kind words - I appreciate your reviews, and I'm glad you like the idea! Hopefully you'll keep reading :-)_

_As always, ty to StoneburntHeart, my awesome beta, and inspiration for "the Illusive bastard"_

* * *

Kaidan stood on the large gray circle that was the only decoration in the empty room he'd been directed to when urged to speak with the 'Illusive Man' Miranda and Jacob had promised would answer his questions. After a few seconds, he saw the room fade out around him as a holographic image of a middle aged man – seated in a chair with a lit cigarette in one hand and a glass of what looked to be an alcoholic beverage in the other – appeared before him. Not the healthiest man then, Kaidan thought grimly, illusive or not. He studied the holo before him… the Illusive Man was clothed in a simple business suit and his blue eyes shown with an unnatural light that Kaidan suspected indicated cybernetic implants. Despite his outwardly casual appearance, Kaidan recognized the arrogance and superiority in his manner, even before the Illusive Man started speaking.

"Lieutenant Alenko," the Illusive Man drawled in greeting.

Kaidan raised a brow and smirked. Arrogant indeed. But… "I thought we'd meet in person," Kaidan mused, "but I guess it's very _Cerberus_ of you to hide behind smoke and mirrors."

The Illusive Man didn't rise to the bait, stroking his chin and acknowledging, "A necessary precaution. Not unusual for people who know what you and I know."

"Or people who are likely to kill you on sight?" Kaidan clarified, "Get to the point. Why am I here?"

"You need to put your personal feelings aside," the Illusive Man said, then paused to take a drink from his glass. "Humanity is up against the greatest threat of our brief existence."

"The Reapers," Kaidan replied, not surprised after his talk with Lawson and Taylor in the shuttle.

"Good to see your memory's still intact," the Illusive Man said, "How are you feeling?"

Kaidan sighed, guessing they were going to play games. "You're not my friend, _Illusive Man_," seriously who had come up with that name? "Stop with the small talk and answer my question."

Again, the Illusive Man refused to rise to the bait and instead continued in his drawl, "Cerberus isn't as evil as you believe. You and I are on the same side; we just have different methods."

"Right," Kaidan shot back. This man was seriously pissing him off. "My methods don't include torture of and experimentation on innocent people." Kaidan sighed and reined in his temper - this was getting them nowhere, "Cut to the chase, what are the Reapers doing that made you decide to bring me back?"

"We're at war," the holo of the Illusive Man stood now, walked closer, so that they were face to face - virtually, "No one wants to admit it, but humanity is under attack. While you've been sleeping, entire colonies have been disappearing. Human colonies. We believe it's someone working for the Reapers. Just as Saren and the geth aided Sovereign. You've seen it yourself, you helped Shepard defeat them."

Ah, Kaidan thought, we finally get to the point. "And you want Shepard to help you now? I don't get it – why bring me back? You could have trained an entire army for what it cost to bring me back. You certainly could have located one woman and appealed to her directly." Not that Kaidan believed they'd succeed, but the point remained.

"Ah, but would she listen?" The Illusive Man drawled. "Unlikely, don't you think? No. But you – you, she'll believe."

Ok, point taken, Kaidan thought. But he wasn't sure _he_ believed yet, much less was ready to try to convince Shepard. "Sovereign was trying to harvest all life in the galaxy. Why would the Reapers target a few human colonies?"

"Hundreds of thousands of colonists have vanished. I'd say that fits the definition of _harvesting_," the Illusive Man answered, with some vehemence this time, "Nobody's paying attention because it's random and the attacks occur in remote locations. I don't know why they're suddenly targeting humanity, specifically. I suspect Shepard got their attention when she killed one of them. It wouldn't surprise me if she was their target."

Kaidan sighed, that did sound plausible, and he would certainly do whatever was necessary to prevent them from achieving that goal. Still, he wasn't taking Cerberus' word on it. "I need more proof - I'm not just going to take you at your word."

"I'd be disappointed if you accepted any of this without seeing for yourself, Lieutenant," the Illusive Man replied, as if Kaidan cared about disappointing him, "I have a shuttle waiting to take you to Freedom's Progress, the latest colony to be abducted. Miranda and Jacob will brief you. See the situation for yourself. We'll talk again after."

"Can't wait," Kaidan tossed back sarcastically as the holo blinked out.

~x~

In the shuttle on the way to the small human colony of Freedom's Progress, Lawson and Taylor had filled Kaidan in on what was known about the mission, which hadn't amounted to shit. Nothing like going in a mission blind, with people you didn't know or trust. He was starting to get a very bad feeling about this and he really wished he just told the Illusive bastard to go to hell and headed to the nearest Alliance outpost. Still, his sense of duty wouldn't let him ignore the threat. If there was even a small grain of truth to what the Illusive Man had said, Kaidan owed it to Shepard, to the Alliance, to find it - blind mission or not. As far as people he didn't know or trust…

"This mission goes my way or not at all," he told the two operatives across from him, "I'm in command, if you refuse to follow an order – if you even hesitate, we're bugging out. Understood?"

He saw nods of assent from both and settled back. Taylor spoke up, "Hey, I used to be Alliance, too. I know how to follow orders."

"You were Alliance?" Kaidan couldn't keep the shock from his voice. How did an Alliance soldier end up working for Cerberus? He shook his head at his own irony. Wasn't he also an Alliance soldier and here with Cerberus? Bastards.

"Yeah, even did a stint with the Corsairs," Taylor acknowledged.

"I'm not sure mentioning your association with a group known for working outside regulations works in your favor, Mr. Taylor," Kaidan replied, "but try to remember your DI. I'll be worse than him if you fuck this up."

"Her. And understood," Taylor replied with an easy grin.

Kaidan nodded and sat back again. He really couldn't wait to be done with these people.

~x~

He was pleasantly surprised with both their abilities once the mechs had attacked. They both seemed more than competent in combat and had followed his orders without question. He was also, at this point, not surprised to see that they were both biotics. Apparently Cerberus liked to collect them. He wasn't impressed with Lawson's _armor_ and didn't see how that catsuit would provide any real protection, but since they had made it through the mechs without incident so far, he wouldn't grumble. For now.

He pushed the button to allow them entry to the next storage shed in their patrol and stopped short when he discovered the room occupied – by a group of quarians. He raised his pistol and had a few tense moments of armed standoff with the suited people until he heard a familiar voice cry, "Prazza! You said you'd let me handle this!" What the hell, Tali was here, too?

She recognized him immediately as well and walked toward him, pushing the weapons of her friends down as she went. "Kaidan? Is that you, are you alive?" Tali asked.

The man she had called Prazza didn't seem ready for introductions himself. "I'm not taking chances with Cerberus operatives," he exclaimed.

Tali turned and confronted Prazza, then shocked the shit out of Kaidan when she told her companion in a commanding tone Kaidan didn't know she was capable of, "Put those weapons down!" before she turned back. "Kaidan, what happened? We thought you were dead?"

Kaidan smiled at his friend, happy to finally see a familiar face, "I was, apparently, Tali. Cerberus decided to resurrect me. I'm here investigating their claims that the Reapers are back and targeting human colonies."

Prazza piped in again, "You'll pardon us for not taking you at your word, Cerberus."

Kaidan didn't blame the quarian. In fact, that's exactly why he was here himself and he decided to clarify, "I'm not Cerberus. I'm here investigating. To see if there's any truth to why they say they brought me back. I don't trust them any more than you do."

Miranda, however, didn't help matters when she interjected, "We're well within our rights to investigate attacks on human colonies. I'd like to know what the quarians are doing here." Great, Miranda, way to make nice with the people holding guns on you, Kaidan thought. He really didn't like this woman.

Tali stepped in to be peacemaker and Kaidan could have kissed her… mask… "Weapons down, Prazza. Whatever's going on here, I don't think we need another fight." When Prazza finally subsided, she turned back to Kaidan and informed him, "One of our people was here on Pilgrimage. His name is Veetor. We came to find him."

"Isn't it a little strange, to come here to this remote colony for his Pilgrimage?" Kaidan asked, not sure what a quarian could find to fulfill a Pilgrimage here of all places.

"Quarians can choose to go where they want for their Pilgrimage," Tali filled in, "Veetor is quiet, nervous around crowds. That's why he chose a remote human colony."

"She means that he was unstable," Prazza supplied, "Combine that with damage to his suit's CO2 scrubbers and an infection from open-air exposure, and he's likely delirious by now."

Tali nodded and continued, "When he saw us landing, he hid in a warehouse on the far side of town. We suspect he also programmed the mechs to attack anything that moved."

Great, Kaidan thought, Cerberus, mysterious human abductions and now paranoid quarians. Could this get any better? "Veetor may have information on what happened to this colony – and why he's still here. We'll help you look for him," he told Tali.

"Kaidan," she replied, "I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt…" her voice trailed off, uncertain, and Kaidan recognized her dilemma.

"Tali, do you remember when Shepard gave you the geth data? Did it help you complete your Pilgrimage?" he offered her as proof.

"Yeah, it did," Tali replied softly. "Prazza, this is Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. He was on the _Normandy_ with me. We can trust him. He'll help us."

Prazza nodded and seemed to accept Tali's judgment and Kaidan was grateful to his quarian friend, that she willing to give him a chance. "Ok," he said to the group, "we'll need to stay in our teams, so what's the plan?"

~x~

On the shuttle on the way back to base, Kaidan went over the facts they had collected from Veetor's omni-tool data and decided that the Illusive Man had not lied. He more than likely had not given the entire truth, but so far, he hadn't lied. So what now? Kaidan thought. Swarms of insects working for some race that was so rare it didn't even make the radar? Didn't sound like the Reapers, but then, why only target humans? Why was Veetor spared? And even if the Reapers weren't behind this, the Collectors were obviously a threat to humanity. The Alliance needed to be informed, ASAP. He remembered that the Illusive Man had said the Alliance had ignored the attacks thus far. It didn't sound plausible, and he wasn't willing to trust the Illusive Man, not in a million years. He'd have to get to the Alliance, somehow, and figure this out for himself. And if the Alliance wouldn't help, he thought grimly, Shepard would.

~x~

Miranda stepped onto the gray circle to begin her report. After a few seconds, the holo image of her boss greeted her.

"Miranda," the Illusive Man said, "how did Freedom's Progress go? Did Alenko get his answers?"

Miranda nodded, "Some of them, I think. Enough that he can begin to see the threat himself."

"Good," he replied, nodding, "Perhaps he'll also begin to see reason."

"Sir," Miranda had to point out the flaw with the plan, "he's going to want to report to the Alliance."

"Let him," he surprised her by saying, "let him find out for himself that they won't listen. Tell him you'll take him to the Citadel, to Councilor Anderson. And by the time you get there, the Alliance will know that he's been resurrected and is working with us. Won't do wonders for his credibility, I imagine."

She shook her head, amazed that she could still be surprised at the lengths of his scheming. "You'll leak the information, then?" she clarified.

"I've already started," he confirmed. "He'll be under suspicion before he ever reaches them. And we'll be one step closer to flushing out Shepard. I call that a win."

"Yes, Sir," Miranda replied to his fading image.


	4. Set Adrift

_A/N - thanks to all of you for reading, following, favoriting. It gives me inspiration to write faster, hint hint! Severe angst warning ahead - I torture Kaidan in this chapter, and I'm seriously feeling guilty for it... Oh, and if any of you are Kelly Chambers fans, I apologize in advance ;-) (issues!) As always, Bioware owns all._

_Gabe97, Lyv, InuGuardian1984, and traitor marine, thanks so much for taking time out of your busy lives to review! traitor marine, I promise the Shenko is coming, and it will be tons... but please, have patience with me? We have a bit of a journey still :-)_

_Since I know how depressing this chapter might be, I'm giving you two chapters today, hopefully the next one leaves you in a better place until I update tomorrow... _

_Special thanks as always to my awesome beta, StoneburntHeart_

* * *

Kaidan stood in the cockpit of the new frigate watching his pilot complete docking procedures for the Citadel. He figured that Cerberus had presented him with the ship as a peace offering, and likely, a bribe. If so, naming it the _Normandy SR2_, and patterning it just enough like the original to make Kaidan wonder where they had obtained plans for a top secret Alliance warship, and then painting a big Cerberus logo on her hull were miscalculations. On the whole, Kaidan thought, as the pilot (he hadn't bothered to memorize the guy's name, wasn't planning to stay aboard long enough to need it) continued communicating with Citadel docking personnel, whatever Cerberus had intended, it had backfired. Kaidan wasn't going to be swayed by some expensive copy of the _Normandy_ – upgraded or not. And he wasn't even going to wonder why Cerberus had decided a shipboard AI – even a shackled one – was an acceptable upgrade. As far as he was concerned, the sooner he could get off this ship and into Councilor Anderson's office, the better.

~x~

Kaidan wondered why he ever expected that things would be easy. First, he had thought he'd have to submit to bioscreens, DNA scans, and twenty questions in order to prove he was, in fact, alive to the C-sec officer who was guarding the entry to Zakera Ward. Then he had grimaced in distaste when Captain Bailey had basically bypassed all regs to reinstate his status as um, alive. It's not that he wasn't grateful to the man for cutting through all the red tape, he was, but regs were there for a reason. And Kaidan was an Alliance man – he believed in regs. Now, he was sitting in Councilor David Anderson's outer office, waiting for the man's assistant to verify – once again – that Kaidan was indeed alive. Don't these people have eyes? For fuck's sake. Kaidan took another deep breath, trying to stave off the impatience and frustration. He was almost there. Anderson would have the answers.

~x~

As he stood in Councilor Anderson's office thirty minutes later, he realized things would not only be difficult, they were now downright impossible. He couldn't believe he had heard the man right.

"What are you saying?" he asked Anderson in disbelief.

The older man sighed and turned from the view of the Presidium displayed out his window and back to face Kaidan. His body language indicated his sadness and resignation. "Kaidan, I like you. You served under me and I've always respected you. You were a fine soldier. But it's been two years. The Alliance believes you're dead. Even if I could convince them to consider reinstating you," he held up a hand to stave off Kaidan's protest, "it would take months of testing and paperwork for the process to complete. If the Collectors are as big a threat as you seem to think – and I do tend to believe you – and worse, if the Reapers are behind the whole thing, do you really have that kind of time?"

"But, Sir," Kaidan argued, refusing to give up, "what about the council? I can show them the data I've collected, they'd have to listen."

"The council is not concerned about a threat to outlying human colonies," Anderson shook his head, "And they've spent two years convincing themselves that the Reapers are a myth. I suppose it helps them sleep better at night." Anderson sighed. "I doubt any amount of data would sway them at this point. God knows I've tried."

Kaidan played his last card, the one he had been holding close to his chest. "What about Shepard?" he asked in desperation, "She'd believe." He added the 'me' silently.

Anderson's shoulders stiffened for a moment, then he placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder and spoke softly, "I'm sorry, son, I haven't seen Shepard since after the _Normandy_ went down. After… your funeral. No one knows where she is. She took your death hard – very hard – so she may be off licking her wounds for all I know."

Not Shepard, Kaidan thought, not _my_ Shepard. The woman that he knew – that he loved, to this day – would never let her feelings get in the way of her duty. He refused to accept that she had changed that much, two years or not. Still, it didn't appear that Anderson was going to help with Shepard, either. He looked up at the man he had considered not just a CO but a mentor. "What do you suggest I do now, Sir?" he asked dully, defeated.

"I'd say if Cerberus was willing to fund the cause," Anderson said slowly, "you take them up on their offer. It's the best of a bad situation. And since the colony abductions have taken place mostly in Terminus Systems, it keeps you away from an Alliance inquisition in the process. I'm sorry, Kaidan, it's the only solution I have right now."

Kaidan shook his head slowly, in disbelief, then turned and quietly walked out, shutting the door firmly behind him. It didn't even occur to him that it was a breach of protocol. He was too shocked.

~x~

Once Kaidan had left his office, Anderson sank down in his desk chair and sighed. He waited ten minutes to make sure Kaidan was no longer anywhere in the vicinity, locked his office door from the control panel on his desk, then pulled out his omni-tool. He entered the information for a connection he had never stored in any datapad or file, but knew by heart. When his omni-tool beeped that the connection had been received on the other end, he spoke one sentence, quietly but firmly. "Shepard, it's Anderson, I need you on the Citadel ASAP." He severed the connection and put his omni-tool away. He knew his message had been received. He just hoped to hell he was doing the right thing.

~x~

"I take it your meeting with Councilor Anderson didn't go as planned?" the Illusive Man's holo asked Kaidan when it materialized, all solicitous inquiry. Bastard.

"I'd say you already know the answer to that question, Illusive Man," Kaidan shot back, "but yeah, he stonewalled me. Completely." He felt tired, frustrated, and he really didn't want to be talking to this asshole. He wanted to find the nearest corner and regroup.

"What did you expect? You showed up on an excellent copy of a top secret Alliance frigate – bearing the Cerberus logo – after being declared KIA two years ago. Did you plan on a parade?" The Illusive Man was nearly sneering now.

Ah, so not a backfire then… a manipulation. "You bastard! You planned this! You did everything in your power to make them mistrust me!" He couldn't hold his temper, not now.

"Oh come now, Lieutenant-"

"Don't call me that! Not now," Kaidan interrupted angrily.

"Ok, _Kaidan_," the Illusive Man continued, (Kaidan wasn't sure he wanted this bastard to call him that either, but he was tired of arguing), condescension plain in his voice, "I spent billions of credits bringing you back, with a purpose. I will do whatever it takes to accomplish that. Surely you can understand that?"

Kaidan sighed again, accepting the futility of trying to understand this man, or expecting this man to understand him. They were as different as night and day – no amount of words would ever change that. "So you've removed my options for finding help for the cause – your cause, as you presented it – in the hopes of what? Trying to accomplish your goal?"

The Illusive Man, to Kaidan's surprise, smiled and nodded. "Exactly, Kaidan, I'm glad you finally see it." He took a deep drag from his cigarette and exhaled slowly as Kaidan stood there, still simmering but resigned, "Now, since you won't be expecting help from any other sources, I suggest you build a team. You'll need it if you hope to face the Collectors."

"You'll allow me to build my own team?" Kaidan questioned, somewhat surprised.

"I'm not unreasonable, Kaidan," the Illusive Man said, "I know you won't trust my people. You can recruit your own – within reason. I've forwarded you some dossiers of likely candidates."

"What about the team from the _Normandy_?" Kaidan questioned. "_They're_ people I trust."

"Unfortunately, they aren't available. They've all left the Alliance or are involved in their own projects," the man had covered every angle, Kaidan thought, feeling more trapped than ever, "I'd suggest you begin with Mordin Solus. He's a brilliant salarian scientist. If anyone can find a countermeasure for the seeker swarms, it's Solus."

"I guess that's what _within reason_ means?" Kaidan asked, although the holo had already blinked out.

~x~

Kaidan walked out of the com room and through the doors to the CIC. He walked up the one step to the galaxy map in the center of the room and stared at it blankly for a moment, feeling completely out of place, set adrift. He accessed the panel, set his course, then he turned to the overly perky yeoman standing to his right. "Chambers, notify all crew of departure, then execute those orders," he said nodding his head to indicate the galaxy map. "I'll be up in the loft until arrival."

"Shall I announce our destination, Sir?" Chambers asked his departing back.

Before he depressed the elevator button he answered her, without turning, "We're headed to Omega to pick up a salarian scientist."

Chambers began to follow his orders, then realized he hadn't answered her question. She shrugged and made the announcement, including destination.

~x~

Standing outside the closed door of the "captain's cabin" a moment later, Kaidan paused. He hadn't really given much thought to his destination when he left the CIC, he had just wanted to get out, and the loft seemed like a likely place. No matter how much he resisted, Cerberus seemed to have decided that he was "captain" of this shiny new parody of the _Normandy_, de facto or not. He took a deep breath and opened the door. He was treated to the first view of what Cerberus considered appropriate for a starship captain – he hadn't really paid attention during the brief "tour" they had given him before departure to the Citadel – and it took his breath away. Not in a good way. He stared, open-mouthed, at the luxurious appointments of the cabin – large bed nestled behind a seating area, three (**three** for fuck's sake) desks, personal armor locker, private head, empty glass display cases, and - dear gods -was that actually a _fish tank_ taking up most of the port wall? What would possess them to put a _fish tank_ on a starship, where water conservation was always an issue?

He stepped over to the 'office' area, still in disbelief. He would have considered this cabin a luxury if it had been a private apartment on the Citadel. On a warship, it was downright indulgence. Yet another reminder that Cerberus apparently didn't know him. At all. He shook his head, thinking that his ego wasn't nearly large enough to ever be comfortable in this space, and decided to make use of the personal terminal to review the dossiers that the Illusive Man had mentioned while he was here. Might as well make use of the time before they arrived at Omega. As he accessed the terminal, a flicker out of the corner of his eye caught his attention and he turned his head to the right. He felt a punch to the gut as he saw the holo of Shepard, wearing her dress blues – it was the ID shot taken right before she had joined the _Normandy_ crew – sitting in the frame on the desk. Although her face was solemn and frozen in the holo, he could imagine it mocked him.

"That tears it," he muttered out loud to the empty room and quickly entered the commands on the still-open terminal to transfer all files to his omni-tool. He shut the terminal down and walked out. He'd find another place to pass the time till they arrived on Omega.


	5. On the Leash

_A/N - you have probably noticed already that Cerberus is even more evil in my ME2 world than in the original... this chapter won't make you like them any better ;-) As always, Bioware owns all~_

_Sincere thanks once again to my awesome beta, StoneburntHeart :-)_

* * *

"Miranda," the Illusive Man drawled through his haze of cigarette smoke, "you're on course for Omega as planned?"

Miranda nodded then verbally confirmed, "Yes, sir, we should arrive in about three hours."

"Good," he replied, "then I see that Alenko has taken my suggestion to heart."

"He seems – resigned," she offered, after pausing a moment to search for the right word, "but he's moved his things out of the loft and into Starboard Observation."

"Ah," the Illusive Man nodded, unsurprised, "not unexpected. When Ms. Chambers submitted her design suggestions for the captain's cabin, I believe she let her romantic tendencies get the better of her. Perhaps she hoped that our couple would eventually be reunited and wanted to give them a cozy love nest. Perhaps it was just her tastes, not her professional opinions, that influenced her. Still, I found it a harmless – indulgence."

"It was an experiment?" Miranda questioned, curious.

"In a way," her boss confirmed quietly, "and I must say that the Lieutenant didn't disappoint. His reaction was exactly what I had hypothesized. So far, he is proving to be an interesting challenge - a worthy adversary."

"He's still doing what you want him to," Miranda pointed out.

"For now," the Illusive Man paused to take a sip of his bourbon, "I expect that will change soon enough. We need to be prepared to bring him in line when that happens."

"As I mentioned before," Miranda said, masking the irritation she felt at the repetition, "the leash works – in theory. But, Sir, we also need to consider the possible side effects. It shouldn't be used lightly. We need the Lieutenant intact and apparently unharmed if we stand any chance with Shepard."

"Do not think to question my decisions, Miranda," the Illusive Man shot back sternly, "I am aware of all the implications, I've read your reports. Still, we need to know that we have that ace in the hole, before it becomes necessary. Find a time to use it. Preferably when it won't affect the outcome of your mission."

"Yes, Sir," Miranda sighed, resigned, and left the com room.

~x~

Standing in the airlock waiting to disembark three hours later, Kaidan carefully checked his weapons and gear. He spared a brief glance at his team – such as it was – and nodded in approval, seeing that Miranda and Jacob were doing the same. He might not like them, but at least they displayed all the attributes of soldiers preparing for battle. True, Kaidan had no idea if the situation ahead of them would require ever firing a shot – all the more reason to check and double-check. If the mission went from sugar to shit, there would be no time for last minute preparations. They needed to be ready to return fire in an instant.

As the airlock swooshed open and they stepped out into the seedy red atmosphere of Omega station, Kaidan heard the feminine voice of the AI – EDI – ring over the coms. "I'm receiving quarantine warnings about the slums where Dr. Mordin Solus runs his clinic. Anticipate resistance." Kaidan took a moment to be glad they had prepared before he responded with a crisp, "Acknowledged," and motioned the team forward.

They questioned a few of the various riffraff lolling outside the large club – Afterlife – which appeared to be the primary hub for the station and received directions for Solus' clinic, as well as further warnings about danger. The squad moved forward until they reached the guard standing outside the entrance to the slums, impeding their progress to the salarian.

Kaidan listened impatiently as the turian turned away a resident of the zone, telling her about a plague and the quarantine. Great, he thought to himself, disease _and_ combat. Hell of a day. Although according to the resident the disease didn't affect humans, so hopefully they didn't have to worry. Kaidan stepped forward when it appeared that the turian and human were never going to finish their argument.

"I need to get into the district," he told the turian, "I'm looking for a salarian named Mordin Solus."

The turian turned to the squad, ignoring the still protesting human, and studied Kaidan with interest. His sharp eyes took in the armor and weapons and after a pause he answered, "The doctor? Yeah. Crazy bastard opened a clinic in the district a few months ago. The Blue Suns weren't too happy when he moved in. I hear Mordin's trying to deal with the plague – I wish him luck – but the area is still locked down. Our orders are to wait until the plague or the Blue Suns kill everyone then go in and clean up."

Great plan, Kaidan thought sarcastically. And not one he had time to sit back and wait for either. "Look, you're stuck here until the quarantine is over - that could take weeks," he pointed out to the turian, "What you really need is to get this problem solved right now. My team and I," he gestured to Jacob and Miranda, "are here and we're prepared. Let us in and we'll get this district cleaned up, solve your problem."

The turian studied them for another moment, then nodded, "You think you can fix this?" he asked rhetorically, "Why not? The quarantine is more to keep the infected people in anyway. I'll radio ahead, to tell them you're coming in." He stepped aside and went back to ignoring the irate human.

~x~

Standing in Mordin's clinic, trying to follow the salarian's rapid-fire speech patterns and slightly bemused by the idea that this harmless looking one horned fellow was apparently a kick-ass former STG agent, Kaidan missed Shepard more than he had since he'd woken in that laboratory to Miranda's urgent voice. Shepard, he thought, would know exactly what to say - she wouldn't even have to think about it. And the absolutely _alien_ quality of this - well, alien - would amuse her more than annoy. So Kaidan did the only thing he could in that moment - he took a second to ask himself: What would Shepard do? then he stepped forward and placed a hand on the salarian's arm, interrupting the endless flow of speech. "Relax, Mordin, I'm Kaidan Alenko and I came here to find you. We have critical need of your help."

"Help?" Mordin echoed in his typically abbreviated speech, "What help? No. Too busy. Clinic understaffed. Plague spreading too fast." Then he seemed to consider Kaidan's words again and asked, "Why me?"

"I'm on a mission to shut down the Collectors," Kaidan supplied, "and the dossier I was provided indicated you were our best hope."

"Collectors? Interesting. Plague hitting these slums is engineered," Mordin spoke slower now, reflectively, and almost to himself more than Kaidan, "Collectors one of the few groups with technology to design it. Our goals may be similar."

Now we're getting somewhere, Kaidan thought, nodding.

"But," Mordin continued, "must stop plague first. Already have a cure. Need to distribute it an environmental control center. Vorcha guarding it. Need to kill them."

Of course, Kaidan thought, always a 'but'. Sighing, he told the salarian, "We'll deal with the vorcha." Whatever it took to get this done and Mordin on board.

Then the power shut down with a low moan.

"That sounded troubling," Miranda, queen of the understatement, offered.

Mordin gave a quick nod, checking his omni-tool, "Vorcha have shut down environmental systems. Trying to kill everyone. Need to get power back on before district suffocates."

Great, Kaidan, thought. He couldn't wait to get the hell off this station.

~x~

They had managed to work their way to the environmental plant to distribute the cure and reactivate the ventilation fairly efficiently, Kaidan decided as he approached the central console which EDI had informed him was where he needed to introduce the cure. Even managed to rescue the doctor's assistant with minimal fuss. Sure, there had been some vorcha resistance, but they had dispatched them fairly quickly. Over all, Kaidan thought, the mission had been smooth. Too smooth. Which is why he was not at all surprised to find his squad pinned down by a small army of vorcha seconds later.

They quickly took cover, returning fire to the stragglers in front and managing to eliminate them without incident. The problem, though, Kaidan quickly saw, was the rocket trooper on the balcony above. Since none of them carried a sniper rifle – even if they had the skill to use one – and the balcony was far out of the range of his pistol, getting that bastard was gonna take some creativity. Kaidan reached, instinctually, for his biotics and readied a strong pull and released it, ducking behind cover immediately while he yelled to Jacob and Miranda to finish off the vorcha suspended in his mass effect field. Only then, in silence that – blissfully – indicated that the rocket trooper was down and they were safe, did Kaidan realize what he had done.

He had held back on using his biotics since awakening - even more than in the months after he had accidentally killed Vyrnnus. He had been hesitant, once he realized, in those first moments, that his talents were different, not what he had spent his life training to use. Miranda had informed him, when he asked, that his implant had been upgraded when he was reconstructed. He was now an L5. Which may have seemed an improvement to her, but he had spent his entire career working _around_ rather than _with_ his L2 implant. The tricks and control he had developed to keep the power of the L2 in check - harness it properly - didn't apply any longer. It was like learning to walk all over again, he mused, only with different legs.

But in the heat of the moment, under fire, in desperation, instinct had taken over. The pull had been strong, as strong as he was expecting, and controlled. And it had been easy. Perhaps his anxiety had been misplaced. He just needed to make his conscious mind realize it. He looked up, to see his squad watching him expectantly, waiting for his orders. He stood up from behind the crate that had served as his cover, raised his barrier and led them out to reactivate the first fan.

~x~

Once their mission was complete and Mordin had agreed to join them, leaving his clinic in Daniel's hands, Kaidan headed toward the _Normandy SR2_, walking drag instead of his typical (these days) point. An idea had been forming in the back of his head since arriving on this station. He was looking for an opportunity to put his plan in action.

When they reached the bustling crowd outside Afterlife, he saw his opening. He darted between a group of batarians and around another group of asari, and into the club. He checked quickly behind him to make sure he hadn't been spotted, wasn't being followed, and then casually entered the bar and began looking for a comm terminal. He wasn't sure what his parents could do, except make him feel somewhat better, and he pushed aside the guilt that he was being selfish. Of course, they'd want to know that he was alive. He was doing the right thing.

He continued scanning the large main room and didn't see what he needed, so he tried the first open door off the hub and was rewarded with success. He entered the contact details and waited impatiently until his mother's oh-so-welcome face took shape on the screen in front of him then tried to greet her and - nothing – he stood, paralyzed, horrified, as his mother called his name over and over until the screen blinked off, unable to move, unable to respond.

~x~

Miranda saw Kaidan sneak off into the club, and placed her hand on Jacob's arm when he looked like he would call after the other man, in adherence to his orders that Kaidan was not to go anywhere unaccompanied. She shook her head and motioned that Jacob should escort Mordin back to the _Normandy_ and then entered the club herself, maintaining enough distance so that Kaidan wouldn't know he was being followed. She wasn't sure what the man had planned, but since Mordin was now on board, she had another mission to fulfill. This was as good a time as any.

She watched as Kaidan scanned the bar area, apparently looking for something, then started a search of the outlying rooms when he didn't see it. She followed him into the first room, accessing her omni-tool and had a split second to implement the protocol she had readied before overloading the com terminal. She regretted that she hadn't been just a little faster, that the link had completed was a loose end, but, she figured, at least her live test was complete. With success. She closed and locked the door firmly behind her and released the man she had held in electronic stasis, turning to face him.

~x~

"What the **fuck** was that?" Kaidan shouted at the woman in front of him once he could speak again. He was furious, biotics flaring, and he couldn't comprehend why Miranda was looking at him so calmly – apparently unafraid.

"That, Lieutenant," she replied, her accented voice cool and level, "was the proof of concept for a clever piece of technology I designed specifically for you. An electronic leash, we like to call it - or, in laymen's terms, a kill switch. That, unfortunately, due to the potential side effects, may be the literal result if you force us to use it too often. The Illusive Man requested a live test. Your little field trip gave me the perfect opportunity to oblige him."

Kaidan couldn't speak, not out of implementation of the leash this time, but at the absolute horror that rose in him during her coolly factual explanation. He had known Cerberus was evil – from the first moment he had seen what the organization was capable of – but the depths of their depravity still astounded him. And the fact that they expected him to continue to cooperate with them made them stupid. A fact that he was more than willing to share with this bitch.

"What in **hell** makes you think I'm going to cheerfully follow you back to that parody of the _Normandy_ and continue your dirty work now?" Kaidan bit out at her, acid dripping off every word.

She smiled condescendingly at him and turned to unlock the door, then answered him over her shoulder as she walked out, "Because, Alenko, you don't have a choice. We hold all the cards. And no matter how much you hate us, you still want to protect humanity."

Well shit, Kaidan thought as he followed her in resignation. This keeps getting better and better. He sighed as he headed back to the Normandy and his impossibly sucky re-life.

~x~

In her office on board the _Normandy_, Miranda opened her terminal and sent a message to her boss, short and precise, "It works."


	6. Friends in Unexpected Places

_A/N - This chapter includes one of my favorite scenes (of the stuff I've written), and I sincerely apologize to Kaidan for it, but I couldn't help myself *grin* I don't want to spoil it, but I think you'll know what I mean when you get there... As always, Bioware gets all the credit~  
_

_Thanks once again to Lyv, Gabe97 and InuGuardian1984 for sharing their input in reviews :-) and to the rest of you for reading, following, favoriting! I know this fic can't be the easiest thing to read at times, its certainly not fluff, but I appreciate you all for hanging in there, and I promise lots of good Shenko is coming our way soon!_

_Speaking of good fluff... special thanks as always to my beta, StoneburntHeart who provides me not only with her encouragement and support, but wonderful toothe-achingly sweet Shenko fluff so that I have the energy to keep going with this :-)_

* * *

Kaidan stood staring out the window in Starboard Observation ostensibly studying the peaceful stars that the view on this side of the ship offered, those that were not diminished by the glare of Omega Station, where the _Normandy_ was still docked.

In truth, Kaidan didn't see anything, blinded by the thoughts churning inside him. How did he get in this situation? What higher being had he annoyed, bad karma was he working off that had brought him to this? Raised from the dead like some mythical being to be thrust into the clutches of evil – because he couldn't find a word more fitting – manipulative bastards who were using his own humanity and sense of duty against him in some twisted scheme to do what? Because he wasn't ready to believe that Cerberus had suddenly changed sides in the two years he was dead and joined Team Good.

Oh, he reflected, they likely didn't want the Reapers to invade and continue harvesting humans. He'd give them that – that might spoil their fun, after all. Hard to continue playing their games of torture if they were no humans around to play with. But what weren't they telling him?

He sighed. He missed Shepard with an ache that rivaled the migraines he used to have from his L2 implants. Guess I don't have to worry about those anymore he thought wryly. A very minor positive in a whole lot of negative. He reached a hand out and placed it flat on the clear, cold glass in front of him, a symbolic gesture of his inner desire to touch Shepard. As if the sheer force of his will and desire for her could reach her through the vast emptiness that separated them. In no way did he want Cerberus to succeed with their plans for Shepard – he'd do anything to protect her – but he had to acknowledge, deep within, that he selfishly hoped that he would see her soon, that he could assure himself that she was real, that she still loved him as much as he loved her.

He sighed again and straightened, shook himself out of his reverie. There was one thing he could do to honor Shepard, even in her absence, and that was act like he knew she would if she were here. He straightened and headed out of his room to the tech labs to greet his new recruit before he gathered the team to see about Archangel.

~x~

Standing in the airlock waiting for disembarkation to Omega for the second time in as many days, Kaidan reflected, somewhat to his surprise, that he really liked Mordin Solus. He hadn't chosen to bring the salarian on this mission for that reason - he had just been happy to remove Miranda from the squad and not have to contend with the constant visual reminder of his 'leash.' Oh, he was very sure she would be monitoring him every step of the way and the threat of the leash was no less prevalent for being remote, but at least he didn't have to endure her hated presence along the way. Since every person on the wards had testified to Mordin's combat ability on their way to recruit him, Kaidan was pleased to have a viable alternative to the bitch. He felt guilty for taking the doctor away from the important work that _was_ a priority, but he had indulged himself anyway. The fact that he now realized that Mordin amused and entertained him was an unexpected benefit to that indulgence. He shook his head and stepped out onto Omega's gritty dock once again.

~x~

Aria T'Loak, Kaidan thought in contrast as he stood in front of the asari in her VIP section of Afterlife while she looked at him like he was dinner – or her next bed partner – he did _not_ like. He watched her – with set jaw and gritted teeth - move her eyes over his armored and armed form, slowly from top to bottom, for the third time (wondering if she was actually going to ask him to turn around in order to get the full view) and decided that she reminded him of a snake. A very colorful and beautiful snake, but just as deadly – more so because of her camouflage. He waited her out in silence until she tired of her game and reclined back against her couch and spoke.

"Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. Formerly Alliance marine. Formerly dead. What brings you to my little paradise?" Aria drawled out lazily.

"You're well informed," Kaidan couldn't help but note with some surprise.

"Information is power," Aria snapped back, "and on Omega, I have all the power. Now get to the point before I decide you're _not_ sexy enough to tolerate."

Kaidan nodded. "I was told you're the person to talk to you if I have questions," he told her.

"Depends on the questions," she shot back.

"You run Omega?" he asked as an opener although he realized how inane it sounded as soon as the words left his mouth.

Aria laughed, apparently delighted with his understatement and spread her arms, "I **am** Omega," she pronounced in ringing tones. Then she stood and sidled close to him and spoke in a lower voice, nearly in his ear, "But you need more. Everyone needs more. And they all," she drew the word out into multiple syllables, tracing her hand up his arm as she spoke, "come to me." With the last word she licked his ear delicately. Then she took pity on him and laughed softly and moved back, slightly.

"I'm the boss, CEO, queen if you're feeling dramatic," she continued her speech, pacing now, "It doesn't matter. Omega has no titled ruler and only one rule…" she paused dramatically as she seated herself back on the couch he was beginning to liken to a throne, "Don't **fuck** with Aria." She smiled a slow predatory smile at Kaidan and added, in a tone that made the meaning of her next words crystal clear, "For you, Lieutenant, I would be willing to bend the rule… slightly."

"Thanks for the offer," Kaidan replied, resisting the urge to shudder, "but I'll pass. I'm just here for information."

"Pity," Aria drawled, then accepted his rejection and straightened, all business now, "What information?"

~x~

Aria's lead _had_ panned out Kaidan reflected as he approached the batarian who would take them to Archangels base, even if he still felt like he needed to go through decon. Twice. He wasn't sure about the feasibility of this plan to extract Archangel though, or more accurately, about their chances of making it out alive. Although everything Aria and the mercenaries had said indicated that Archangel might be another valuable asset to him, Kaidan didn't doubt that getting there would be a serious challenge.

The Blue Suns driver brought the air car to halt and Kaidan stepped out, surveying the surroundings. Another batarian approached. "It's about time they sent me someone that actually looks like they can fight," he said in greeting. "They tell you what we're up against?"

"The recruiter was a little vague," Kaidan replied dryly.

The batarian nodded, "We wouldn't get any hires if they knew the truth," he explained without apology. "Archangel's holed up in a building at the end of that boulevard there," he waved his arm to indicate direction, "He's got superior position, and the only way in is over a very exposed bridge. It's a killing ground. But he's getting tired, making mistakes. We'll have him soon enough."

Hopefully not, Kaidan thought while he nodded his understanding to the batarian. "You guys have a plan?" he asked.

"A small team is waiting to infiltrate his hideout, but we need to draw Archangel's fire so they can move in," the batarian answered.

"And that's where we come in," Kaidan supplied helpfully.

"Exactly," the Blue Suns mercenary confirmed, "You'll be on a distraction team. Head straight over the bridge and keep Archangel busy so the infiltration team can move in on him. Head up to the boulevard and to the third barricade. Talk to Sergeant Cathka. He'll tell you when to go in," he directed as he walked away.

When the batarian was out of hearing range, Kaidan heard Mordin mumble quietly to him, "Getting in simple enough. Getting out problematic."

"Way to understate things, Mordin," Kaidan grinned and moved the team forward.

~x~

Crouched in cover at the end of the bridge, Kaidan decided they had accounted for all contingencies except Archangel himself. They had successfully reprogrammed the YMIR mech and sabotaged Tarak's gunship – he'd even collected plans for an Omega takeover that he hadn't decided he was going to show Aria, but he'd keep as an ace in the hole – and dispatched all the mercs on the way. But Archangel had superior position and a sniper rifle and getting to the vigilante turian without being injured or causing injury was going to be - to borrow a _Mordinism_ - problematic. Kaidan sighed and motioned Jacob forward to the next cover. Nothing to do except keep inching forward and pray that Archangel was a lousy shot. Problematic didn't begin to cover the flaws in that plan.

~x~

After a few painstaking minutes of leapfrogging cover, Kaidan rounded the corner into Archangels perch, pistol drawn and at the ready. "Archangel?" he greeted the turian's back.

Archangel sighted down a merc below him and shot cleanly, then turned, set down his rifle, and removed his helmet. Kaidan stared, shocked when the face of a long-lost friend looked back at him.

"Garrus Vakarian?" he choked out in disbelief.

"Kaidan Alenko," Garrus drawled back, "I thought you were dead." He met Kaidan in the middle of the room and they clasped arms in the universal greeting of soldiers, brothers.

"I was. Long story," he waved a vague hand at the Cerberus operative behind him and was glad to see Garrus caught on. They would talk later, out of range of prying ears. "What are you doing here – _Archangel_?" Kaidan questioned pointedly, still finding it hard to reconcile.

"Heh," Garrus gave a small laugh, "A little target practice, just keeping my skills sharp."

Kaidan chuckled, "Looked plenty sharp when you nailed me a few times on the way up here – thanks for that, by the way."

"Getting soft, Kaidan?" Garrus laughed, "They were only concussive rounds, to make it look good. I figured you could handle it. Besides, you were taking your sweet time - I wanted to get you moving."

"Uh huh," Kaidan bantered back. "But why here, on Omega?" he asked.

"I got fed up with the bureaucratic crap on the Citadel. Figured I could do more good on my own," the turian sounded almost defeated, Kaidan thought, surprised. Not what he expected from Garrus Vakarian.

"At least it's not hard to find criminals here," Garrus continued, "All I have to do is point my gun and shoot."

"And piss off every merc organization on the station in the process," Kaidan replied with a low whistle.

"It's a talent, Alenko," Garrus chuckled.

"Got any talents that are gonna get us out of here in one piece?" Kaidan drawled.

"Just one," Garrus replied, lifting his rifle and looking down the sights, "Shoot fast - shoot straight."

Kaidan drew his own gun again and took up position beside his old friend, smile on his face for what felt like the first time in ages. Sounded like a plan to him.

~x~

Kaidan paced Starboard Observation waiting to hear an update on Garrus' condition from Mordin and looked up, surprised, as the doors opened and the turian in question entered the room. Kaidan let out the breath he hadn't been aware he was holding in relief that he wouldn't be losing his friend, so soon after finding him again. Seeing a familiar face had given him more comfort than he had been willing to admit, in retrospect. He needed one person in this nest of vipers that he could trust.

Garrus sauntered over to him and quipped, "How bad is it? They wouldn't let me have a mirror."

"Hell, Garrus, you were always ugly," Kaidan replied in the same tongue-in-cheek manner, "What's another scar?"

"I hear the ladies find scars attractive," Garrus bantered.

"And most of them are krogan," Kaidan pointed out the flaw in his friend's logic.

Garrus chuckled, then sobered. "It's good to see you, Kaidan," he began, "but I never expected to see you with Cerberus."

"I never expected to be with Cerberus either," Kaidan replied bitterly, "turns out you can't pick who resurrects you." Kaidan sighed, "Look, Garrus, it's a very long story, and complicated, but the walls," he waved his arms around him, "have ears. I don't have any right to ask you to stay – to trust me. But I'm going to anyway."

"Kaidan," Garrus replied sincerely, "you had me at ugly."

Kaidan laughed and two friends sat down to catch up, avoiding any topic they didn't want the walls to hear.

~x~

In his office overlooking the Presidium, Councilor David Anderson looked up in surprise as his door unexpectedly opened and a woman charged in without being announced. Once he realized who it was that stood in front of him, hands on her hips, looking like she was ready for battle – of words anyway – his surprise turned to amusement. Trust Shepard to force her way past his extremely competent and intimidating assistant. He smiled and stood to greet his visitor.

Shepard, however, was not interested in greetings, or preliminaries, judging by the fact that her first words were, "Is it true Anderson? Is Kaidan alive? I mean, I saw…"

Anderson sighed and sat back down, indicating the chair in front of his desk to Shepard. When she didn't comply, he ordered – as if she were still his XO, "Shepard, sit."

She sat, with some impatience, and then looked at him pleadingly, "Just please answer my question."

"He was here, before I contacted you," Anderson complied, "As far as I could tell, it was Kaidan, not a clone or droid. That's part of the reason I asked you to come."

He paused to give the woman in front of him time to compose herself, although even after she had staunched the tears that had threatened, she still looked pale and fragile. He regretted that he was going to make it worse.

"He arrived on a Cerberus vessel – one that looked like a copy of the _Normandy_," he told Shepard.

She flushed in anger, and stood again, pacing angrily. "Then it wasn't Kaidan. There's no way Kaidan would be with Cerberus! You know that, Anderson. You know Kaidan."

He stood and walked over to where she was pacing, placed a hand on her shoulder, and stilled her. He wasn't a man of words, he thought - even after two years in politics – but if he didn't find the right words to make her understand he may ruin the lives of people he cared about. He sighed again and spoke quietly but firmly to the woman he considered not just a damn fine soldier but a daughter.

"Shepard, it's been two years. According to what he told me, Kaidan _was_ dead," his heart broke for her when she couldn't hold back a sob at his words, but he steeled himself and continued, "Cerberus recovered his body and spent two years rebuilding – resurrecting – him. He came here to ask for Alliance support, and to bring me information about a threat to human colonies."

Shepard nodded slightly, "That sounds more like Kaidan," she paused a moment, absorbing his information, then continued, "But, Anderson, why? Why did Cerberus…" her voice trailed off, as if it refused to vocalize any acknowledgement of Kaidan's death.

Anderson understood anyway. "Bring him back?" he filled in and saw her nod in gratitude, "I suspect they're trying to get to you. In the best – and the worst - way possible."

She turned then and slowly returned to the chairs in front of the desk and sank into one. Anderson followed and sat beside her.

"Cerberus wants me to work for them?" Shepard asked, having drawn the conclusion that Anderson had implied.

He nodded in confirmation, "That seems logical. There's more, Shepard. The threat that Kaidan came to tell me about is real. From the information he provided as well as my own research, it's clear that this race, the Collectors, are targeting human colonies in the Terminus Systems, abducting hundreds of thousands of people already. Cerberus – and Kaidan – suspect the Reapers are behind it."

Shepard nodded impatiently, "Of course it's the Reapers – that's harvesting." She sighed in frustration, "And let me guess, the Council isn't interested."

She may have been out of the proverbial loop for a while, but she was still Shepard, Anderson thought, and answered her, "It's only humans that have been targeted. They don't see the danger to council worlds, and they still don't see Earth or human colonies as council worlds."

"That's gonna bite them in the ass eventually," Shepard muttered bitterly, "And the Alliance?"

"Isn't going to blithely accept the word of a has-been captain and a KIA lieutenant without taking months to 'investigate' themselves," Anderson filled in.

Shepard nodded; she hadn't expected a different response. "Months that the colonists don't have," she added.

"Exactly," Anderson confirmed, nodding. "Kaidan's in an impossible situation. I wanted to help him, but there's no help to offer." He paused and forged ahead, even if he wasn't sure of her reaction to his next news, "He asked about you. I didn't tell him anything. I would never break the promise I made to you."

She stilled, processing for a full minute before she turned to him and placed her hand on his arm, "You did the right thing, Anderson, thank you. You know the reason I asked you keep my whereabouts a secret, you know I'd do anything to ensure…" she trailed off, unwilling to chance the security of the information even in a Citadel councilor's office.

He understood, and nodded in agreement, "Everything is well, then?" he inquired obliquely.

"Yeah," she answered with a soft smile, "_everything_ is perfect." She straightened then and continued with resolve, "We need to help Kaidan - we need to get him away from those bastards."

"That's the other reason I called you here," he told her, "I knew you'd react that way. And although I want to believe that it really is Kaidan, _you'll_ know beyond a doubt - one way or another - when you see him. Plus, we can't afford to ignore the Collectors – or the Reapers." At her nod of agreement, he went on, "To that end, I've appealed to the Council and they've voted to uphold your Spectre status. I've also spoken to Admiral Hackett, and he has agreed to keep you on adjutant-leave status and reassign you to me as my liaison. I've developed a list of 'at-risk' human colonies and I'd like to send you, in that capacity, to each under the premise of installing GARDIAN anti-aircraft turrets for their protection."

She raised her eyebrows and replied, "With all due respect, Sir, is anyone going to believe that the Alliance would send Commander Shepard to install AA guns? If they know my record at all, they know I'm not an engineer."

"For all they know, you've spent the last two years taking courses," Anderson replied, "and hell, Shepard, I don't care what they believe as long as they take the bait."

She hissed in a breath, surprised to hear him so blatantly state his intention of using her as a lure. "You think Cerberus will come after me?" she questioned.

"Not only that," he replied quietly, regretfully, "but by all accounts, the _Normandy_ was the only ship the Collectors have attacked. It's reasonable to assume that they were aiming for you."

Well, shit, she thought. Nothing like playing cat-and-mouse with two evil entities. Still, she nodded, accepting the explanation.

Anderson stood, squared his shoulders and pulled the mantle of command around himself - an old familiar feeling that he welcomed, "Commander Shepard," he spoke formally – officially – now, "your orders are to investigate these at-risk colonies, search for any sign of the Collectors, assess the threat and protect the colonists as needed. Furthermore, you are additionally ordered to determine whether the man I spoke with in my office is indeed Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko and to determine Cerberus' intentions towards him if so. Finally - if you have verified his identity - you are ordered to protect Lieutenant Alenko and extract him if at all possible. You will have all resources and authority of your council Spectre status at your disposal to complete this mission."

Shepard stood, snapped to attention, and saluted him as if he was still her CO, "Yes, Sir, understood."

Anderson saluted back, then relaxed again for a moment and spoke, this time not as a CO, but as a friend, "Shepard, I'm sorry to ask you to do this, are you sure…"

"Anderson," she interrupted him, "if you hadn't, I'd be doing it anyway."


	7. Tank-Bred Trouble

_A/N - Because I love you all so much for sticking with me and following/favoriting/reviewing AND because I managed to be rather prolific and crank out five chapters in the past two days so I can stay ahead of you, I'm gonna upload this chapter and the next together :-) for those of you who have been following along, I'm sure you realize I'm mostly staying within the way ME2 plays out so far. So, do the math... these are the last two chapters before Horizon... which means, after these, it's Shenko all the way! Although, still not gonna be fluff... sorry... As always, all credit for these amazing characters, universe, plot and dialog go to Bioware, I'm just playing with them :-)  
_

_Thanks for the wonderful reviews, StoneburntHeart, InuGuardian1984, Lyv, Jules Hawk, and Gabe97 - you give me inspiration to keep going! Anyone else that would like to drop me a line, there's a handy form at the bottom of the page ;-)_

_Finally, and as always, special thanks to my wonderful beta and fellow fangirl, StoneburntHeart_

* * *

When they landed on Korlus two days later, Kaidan decided it was good to be boots down with a totally non-Cerberus team. He had literally closed his eyes and pointed at the screen in mimicry of the old fashioned throw-a-dart-at-the-dartboard decision making process to determine which of his remaining dossiers to recruit. It had come up krogan warlord over convict. He wasn't sure he liked the sound of either. Although, in retrospect, Wrex had turned out to be not half-bad, and Kaidan couldn't deny that krogan were fierce in battle. He flicked his gaze over Mordin and Garrus and took point, moving forward.

"The dossier doesn't say if Okeer is on this planet by choice. Assume hostiles," he warned them.

When he heard the female voice broadcasting, "There is only one measure of success – kill or be killed," his adrenaline kicked up a notch and he felt justified in his warning.

They moved forward slowly, while the woman's voice continued to ring out with messages about armies and beginnings. They turned a corner and met their first hostiles. Kaidan was satisfied with his squad selection for another reason when they were able to dispatch the enemies without breaking stride. Effective, he thought to himself, particularly incinerate – he felt a bit of tech envy for that one. Still, he had his biotics, and they were performing better than ever now that he had adjusted to the new implant.

They climbed down a hill and came upon a wounded Blue Suns merc. "Shit, shit, won't stop bleeding, I'm gonna… son of a bitch," the man was muttering to himself as they approached.

"Doesn't look that bad actually," Garrus mumbled under his breath, assessing the injury.

"He doesn't need to know that," Kaidan shot back with a grin and stepped closer to the merc.

The wounded man looked up, noticing them for the first time and exclaimed, "I knew it wasn't berserkers! Not at range. You're mercs, or Alliance! I'm not… I'm not telling you anything!"

Kaidan cocked a brow and withdrew a tube of medigel and dangled in the merc's face. "You sure? That wound looks bad – I have a nice application of medigel ready to go," waving the tube again, "but if you'd rather I just keep walking…" he let his words trail off and turned to make good on them.

"Son of a bit- I just, I don't know anything," the merc replied, following the medigel with his eyes. "I just shoot the overflow from the labs. The old krogan up there – he's really been cleaning house lately. Jedore hired him to make her an army, but the krogan he creates are insane. So we use them for live ammo training. It's all crap. I don't get paid enough to goddamn bleed out," he finished with a groan.

The mercs com activated and Kaidan heard the voice on the other end say, "_Outpost Four, Jedore wants us to move. We need coordinates on that krogan back_!"

Kaidan stepped closer and spoke quietly to the wounded man, "I want your friend gone, understand?"

The merc nodded and spoke over the com, "Ah, Patrol, the last group… dispersed. Lost sight five minutes ago. "

"_Dispersed? Jedore'll be pissed, she wanted a show_," came back over the com.

"You asked for a report, you got it - dispersed!" the wounded merc replied vehemently.

"_Understood, return to the labs_," came the reply.

"There, see, I'm helping," the wounded merc pleaded.

"If you start limping now, you might find a shady spot before you bleed out," Kaidan shot back as they moved off.

"Brutal. Effective." Mordin mumbled as they walked.

Kaidan grinned. "I like you, Mordin."

~x~

They made their way through several more groups of Blue Suns, most of whom had superior position, but the combat was smooth. Kaidan had flung his biotics around both with ease and no resulting headaches, and the squad worked in perfect sync, despite the constant verbal distractions from the woman – Jedore, Kaidan assumed – over the loudspeaker. Her fervent, militant calls had convinced Kaidan that she was a bit of a nut, and he wasn't looking forward to facing her. That they would, he didn't doubt, and he certainly wouldn't mind stopping the verbal sewage, but the crazy ones were always the most dangerous. He didn't kid himself that it would be easy. Still, he had a grin on his face when they approached a lone krogan berserker that strangely enough seemed to fighting on their side. He had actually enjoyed this so far, he realized with some surprise. Being back in combat with functional biotics and people he could trust - even liked - had made him feel more himself than he had since waking up. The only thing that would make this perfect, he mused, was if Shepard were here. Since that thought threatened to ruin his good mood, he shook it off and moved to question the berserker.

~x~

After making their steady way through heavy resistance and finally reaching Okeer's room, high on the top of the structure, Kaidan studied the krogan he had come to recruit and decided that crazy was the norm for this planet. From the information the krogan berserker and Rana had provided, they had pieced together that this 'warlord' was growing krogan warriors in a tank then using them for target practice for Jedore's mercs. Kaidan had begun to think of Okeer as the krogan version of Cerberus. Apparently the inclination to experiment on your own kind wasn't limited to humans. An idea that was both chilling and irrelevant now he decided as he turned to greet Okeer.

"Here you are," the krogan proclaimed in a deep voice, "It's about time. The batteries on these tanks will not wait while you play with these idiotic mercs."

"They didn't give us much choice," Kaidan shot back with a raised brow, "You're Okeer? You don't seem particularly caged… or grateful that we're here."

"You may claim to be here to help, but a formerly deceased Alliance marine is not a sign of gentle change," Okeer growled. "Surprised?" the krogan continued when Kaidan's face reflected shock that he had been identified, "although you may have thought yourself safe in the shadow of Shepard, your actions on Virmire – and elsewhere – did not go unnoticed. All krogan should know you. You set the bomb that destroyed the genophage cure."

"I was under orders," Kaidan shot back, "but I would have done it anyway. Saren needed to be stopped. If there had been any other solution, we would have considered it."

"But I approve," Okeer surprised him by stating, "Saren's pale hoard were not true krogan. Numbers alone are nothing, the mistake of an outsider. One that these mercenaries have also made. I gave their leader my rejects for her army, but she grows impatient. It's time for you to take me out of here."

Kaidan thought perhaps 'take him out –period' might be the saner solution, but he needed allies. And beggars made for poor choice. He sighed and decided to make his position clear. "We're here to stop the Collectors. We could care less about your _lofty_ goals."

"I see," Okeer responded thoughtfully, "Yes, Collector attacks have increased – a human concern. My requests were focused elsewhere," he continued as he moved toward one of the embryonic tanks in the lab and gestured to it, "I acquired the knowledge to create one pure soldier. With that, I will inflict upon the genophage the greatest insult an enemy can suffer – to be ignored."

Ok, this guy redefined crazy, Kaidan thought with a sigh. He mentally reviewed his options – again – and decided he had none.

"Your methods are… extreme," he said in understatement, "but you do know how to deconstruct a threat. I may never agree with you, but I need allies, a team. Will you help us?"

"Perhaps I can strike a deal to secure passage," Okeer replied, "but my prototype is not negotiable. It is the key to my legacy."

Any reply that Kaidan would have made was interrupted by Jedore's voice over the coms, announcing that she had discovered Okeer's plan and was releasing gas in the lab.

"She's that weak-willed, she'll kill my legacy with a damn valve," Okeer exclaimed, "Human!" he cried, turning to Kaidan, "You want information on the Collectors, stop them. She'll try to access contaminants in the storage bay."

Kaidan nodded and checked both his weapons and the seal on his helmet, then motioned his team forward to the confrontation he had been sure would come since he had first heard Jedore's rantings on the loudspeaker. There was only one solution for her kind of crazy. Kill it. He was going to enjoy it.

~x~

Kaidan stood in the Normandy's cargo hold hours later, absently stroking the graze on his temple that Jedore had given him as her parting gift, and studied the figure in the embryonic tank in front of him. To Kaidan's somewhat fanciful thoughts, the krogan reminded him of a doll in a display case. There were no indications of life, animation. But the krogan seemed to be fully developed, albeit a bit smaller than Kaidan expected, and was even dressed in full armor. Like a warped, freakish version of a toy waiting under a Christmas tree for its happy owner to come along and play. And that thought was chilling, Kaidan mused, since this 'toy' could likely kill him in a heartbeat. He had questioned EDI about the 'baby' krogan's awareness and health, and processed the information. But he still hadn't decided how to act – if he should act.

Kaidan had come here with the intention of opening the tank. He needed a team, a non-Cerberus team, and a creature that hadn't –technically – been born seemed, to his mind, one that had no allegiances. One that Kaidan could influence – raise – he thought, wincing at the idea of parenting a krogan warlord. He couldn't afford to take Mordin away from the lab for ground missions; he needed an alternative so that Mordin could continue his research into the swarm countermeasure. But face-to-face with that alternative now, Kaidan hesitated. He had spent his adult life developing caution, control. It was not easy to set aside those habits now, no matter the urgency of his need.

Shepard, Kaidan mused, would open the tank. She would be cautious, yes, but in the end, she would do it. She had always accepted allies gratefully, no matter their origin, and had treated everyone on the Normandy – no matter their species – with a fairness and open mind that had earned her the respect of asari, krogan, turian, quarian and human alike. But Shepard wasn't here, Kaidan reminded himself although his heart squeezed at the thought, and he wasn't Shepard. True, he wasn't a xenophobe – he had in fact looked at Pressly's and Ashley's tendencies to those prejudices with some disapproval. But he was careful and he couldn't for one moment forget that what he was contemplating was risky at best, utterly dangerous, maybe even fatal, at worst.

He checked the heavy pistol he had armed himself with before stepping into the hold for the third time, and squared his shoulders. He may be careful, but he wasn't a coward. He made his choice, now he would act on it. If it was a mistake, he had his pistol and the barrier he raised around himself in a comforting aura of blue energy and he would just put the krogan down, no better or worse than before he had stepped in the room. He hoped. He reached for the controls of the tank.

"Lieutenant," EDI's electronic voice interrupted him, "Cerberus protocol is very clear regarding untested alien technology."

"Good thing I'm _not_ Cerberus then," Kaidan gritted, depressing the control on the tank and then stepping back quickly to avoid the rush of fluid – and krogan – that spewed out.

In the next instant, there was a roar, and Kaidan found himself pinned to the wall with an arm against his throat and a very animated krogan in his face.

"Human. Male," the krogan seemed to sniff the air, "Before you die, I need a name."

"Kaidan Alenko," he answered, staring the creature down, refusing to show weakness.

"Not your name," the krogan replied, surprising Kaidan again, "Mine. I am tank-bred. Trained. I know things, but the tank… Okeer couldn't implant connection. His words are hollow."

Kaidan nodded. That confirmed his earlier thoughts and gave him hope that he had made the right choice.

"Warlord, legacy, grunt," the krogan who still pinned him continued, rambling seemingly to himself now, "'Grunt' was among the last. It has no meaning. It'll do." The nascent krogan spoke again, this time directly to Kaidan, "I am Grunt. If you are worthy of command, prove your strength and try to destroy me."

"Why would you want me to try to kill to you?" Kaidan inquired, thinking that it would be counterproductive to his goals.

"Want?" Grunt replied, "I do what I am meant to – fight and reveal the strongest. Nothing in the tank ever asked what I want." He seemed to nearly spit the last word as if it were distasteful. "I feel nothing for Okeer's clan or his enemies. That imprint failed. He has failed. Without a reason that's mine, one fight is as good as any other. Might as well start with you."

"I have a good ship and a strong crew – clan," Kaidan spoke, phrasing his reply in terms that he thought the krogan would understand, "You'd make it stronger."

"If you're weak and choose weak enemies, I'll have to kill you," Grunt warned.

"Our enemies are numerous and worthy, there's no doubt about that," Kaidan answered.

"Hmm," the krogan replied, in agreement, "That's… acceptable. I'll fight for you." He stepped back and lowered the arm he had held to Kaidan's throat.

"I'm glad you saw things my way," Kaidan nodded at the pistol he had held to the krogan's hearts.

That seemed to amuse Grunt. "Hah! Offer one hand, but arm the other. Wise, human. If I find a clan, if I find what I… want, I will be honored to eventually pit them against you."

Kaidan cocked a brow and accepted the statement as the compliment he knew it was. "Welcome to the team, Grunt," he told his new krogan comrade, "You'll join me on our next mission. We'll be boots down at 0900 the day after tomorrow."

He turned and left the cargo hold, then paused for a moment outside the closed door to take a deep breath. That could have gone so much worse, he reflected. He nodded and headed back up to Starboard Obs to review the convict's dossier again. That recruit – he was sure – would not be nearly as _easy_.


	8. Boyscout, Meet Psychotic

_A/N - This chapter gave me a chance to sit and think about Jack vs Kaidan, and once I did, I started to think of them as opposite sides of the same coin, so their interactions in this chapter flowed from there... hope you enjoy! Bioware owns all, I own none :-/  
_

_Thanks again to every one for your reviews, follows, favorites :-)_

___Finally, and as always, special thanks to my wonderful beta and fellow fangirl, StoneburntHeart_

* * *

They docked with the prison ship _Purgatory_ nearly two days later as Kaidan had informed Grunt. Now they stood in the airlock – human, turian, and krogan – armed to the teeth and impatiently waiting for the doors to open. Kaidan wasn't sure what to expect – from the prison ship _or_ his new cargo – but he found himself glad to have a krogan warrior at his back. He had talked with Grunt again yesterday and had been satisfied that his newest squadmate would be both valuable and trustworthy. Kaidan wasn't sure Grunt's skills would be needed on _Purgatory_ – the mission brief indicated that this should be a simple transfer – but since he was starting to wonder if Cerberus actually knew the meaning of 'mission brief' based on how accurate the ones they had provided thus far had been, he figured it was better to be safe than sorry. The doors hissed open and he stepped out, taking point.

They were met by a turian guard with a Blue Suns logo emblazoned on his uniform. "Welcome to the _Purgatory_, Lieutenant Alenko," the guard greeted, "your package is being prepped and you can claim it shortly. As this is a high security vessel, you'll need to relinquish your weapons before we proceed."

_Like hell,_ Kaidan thought to himself. "I can't do that," he told the guard.

The potential standoff was interrupted by the approach of another turian - clearly the one in charge.

"Everyone stand down!" the new arrival barked out before he turned to greet Kaidan, "Lieutenant Alenko, I'm Warden Kuril, and this is my ship. Your weapons will be returned on the way out; you must realize this is just a standard procedure."

"It's _my_ standard procedure to keep my gun, Warden," Kaidan shot back.

Warden Kuril sized the squad up for a moment, then relented. "Let them proceed," he instructed, "Our facility is more than secure enough to handle three armed guests." He turned back to Kaidan, "We're bringing Jack out of cryo. As soon as the funds clear, you can be on your way. If you'll follow me to out-processing for the pickup, Lieutenant?"

Kaidan nodded and motioned for Garrus and Grunt to fall in, then followed Warden Kuril. He surreptitiously checked his pistol again as they moved.

~x~

Of course it was a trap, Kaidan thought bitterly as they fought their way out of the room they had been led – herded – into before Warden Kuril had announced that he'd rather keep them then complete their transaction. After his time with Cerberus he didn't think he could be surprised by anything. He moved his squad forward, pleased that his initial impressions of Grunt were accurate, and began to look for a way out of this mess. Then, he was going to have a serious talk with the Illusive bastard about mission briefs.

"We need to get Jack out of cryo," Garrus called from behind him as they rounded the corner towards maximum security. Kaidan wasn't sure adding a dangerous and powerful biotic to the mix was the best plan, but they didn't have many options. He overloaded the shields of the new wave of guards that attacked and took cover, assessing.

"Grunt, move forward and charge those guys since their shields are down," he instructed. Hopefully a face full of angry krogan would distract them enough for the rest of them to advance.

He watched Grunt follow his orders and nodded in satisfaction as it had the desired effect. He raised his pistol and picked off the last of the stragglers then moved forward to the next room. A quick warp dispatched the sole occupant of that room and Kaidan spotted a control panel under the window overlooking a cell block. He moved to hack it.

"That's probably going to open every door on the cell block," Garrus warned before Kaidan could touch it.

"We can use the distraction if we're going to get out of here alive – and maybe Jack will be able to help," Kaidan replied, "I'm doing it." He began to hack the panel as Garrus nodded, checking his rifle.

"Ready," Garrus told him.

They watched as the mechanical arms moved below them, settling on one of the cryo containers and hoisting it. As the mist dissipated, the figure of a small, bald, tattooed, and half-naked woman was revealed. Kaidan was shocked. Jack was a woman? And was she wearing… leather straps? For what passed for a shirt? What the _fuck_?

"That's Jack?" Garrus asked, apparently sharing Kaidan's shock, "I thought Jack was a name for _male_ humans?" he turned to Kaidan in confusion.

Any lesson in human sociology or names was averted as the woman in question began to wake, slowly at first, then broke her bonds with an impressive biotic surge and a less than lady-like scream then _disintegrated_ the mechs around her in a violent blue shockwave.

Well, shit, Kaidan thought, she's… crazy.

"Let's get down there," he ordered Garrus and Grunt, 'before there's nothing left of this ship' he added silently.

~x~

They followed in the wake of Jack's destruction, killing the fresh waves of guards and mechs that impeded them, until they reached Kuril's command center. They immediately ducked for cover as the Warden picked off the few remaining released prisoners with his rifle, his blue power armor glowing around him. Kaidan took a moment to assess the layout as the Warden called down from his perch.

"It would have been nice to acquire you and your squad, Lieutenant," he taunted, "but you're too much trouble. At least I can recapture Jack."

"Not happening," Kaidan called back from cover, "you're a two-bit slave trader and I don't have time for it."

"I do the hard things civil governments are unwilling to," Kuril called back.

Kaidan motioned Garrus and Grunt into flanking positions around him. He figured he could take the time Kuril wanted to spend in pointless banter to get his squad set up so that when he took down the shield pylons he had spotted positioned around the room they could move in on Kuril.

"This is for the good of the galaxy!" Kuril cried and activated the shields.

"Cover me," Kaidan barked to his squad then rolled out of cover and to the closest pylon. He ducked behind another crate to dodge a bullet from Kuril's rifle then overloaded the pylon. He used his pistol to pick off two guards that had spotted him then moved counterclockwise to the next pylon. He waited until Garrus and Grunt had closed on his new position then performed the same maneuver on this one.

Kaidan glanced toward Kuril and saw that his shields were noticeably weaker, but still not weak enough for Garrus to get a shot in. He looked up the ramp leading to the next pylon and saw that every guard in the room had guessed his next target and were converging on it. Those that weren't moving around to attempt to flank them anyway. He motioned to Garrus and Grunt to handle the flankers and reinforced his barrier, rushing forward for cover and hoping it would hold under the barrage of bullets flying his way while he was exposed. He made it to the top of the ramp and into cover just as his shields fell. His barrier had held until the last stretch, then he had been left with only shields. Thankfully, he had made it just before any bullets could penetrate. He'd have some serious bruises, but he'd take them over a bullet hole.

There were too many enemies guarding this last shield pylon for Kaidan to overload it yet - although the process would only take a few seconds it was still too much exposure. Once again, he sent Garrus and Grunt into flanking positions and he ignored the pylon for now while they worked to thin out the enemies guarding it.

Once he felt he had a relatively clear path, Kaidan prepared his overload. "Garrus," he called to his squadmate, "once I take down this last pylon, take out that bastard with a concussive shot."

Garrus nodded and Kaidan popped over cover, dodged a shot from a lucky straggler, then, when he saw Garrus taking aim out of his peripheral vision, he unleashed the overload. The fizzle from the pylon and the report of Garrus' shot were almost simultaneous sounds. Kaidan looked to the left and saw Kuril lying dead behind his perch.

"Good shot," he said to Garrus.

"What can I say?" his friend replied with what Kaidan considered the turian version of a grin, "I know how to make this baby _dance_." He patted his Widow.

Kaidan grinned and motioned his squad forward, "Let's find Jack and get the hell off this heap."

~x~

They did find Jack - outside the airlock, studying the markings on the _Normandy's_ hull out the viewport. When she noticed their approach, she turned to them, biotics flaring and growled.

"Cerberus?" she questioned Kaidan, her apparent distaste for the organization rivaling his own, "What the hell do you want?"

"You're in a bad situation and I'm going to get you out of here," Kaidan responded. They'd have the Cerberus discussion once they got off this prison ship.

"Shit, you sound like a pussy," Jack shot back, "I'm not going anywhere with you."

Kaidan raised his brows and pointedly looked around them, then turned back to Jack, "Do you have any other options?" he asked her quietly.

"You're Cerberus," Jack repeated, flinging it like an accusation.

"Look, I'm offering to be your friend, we don't have to be enemies," Kaidan was beginning to wonder if anything would get through to this woman. He wasn't really sure why he was trying, but seeing the conditions she had been kept in on this ship had turned his stomach. No matter how insane, how angry, she was a human being, she deserved better.

"You show up in a Cerberus frigate to take me away somewhere? You think I'm stupid?" Jack flung at him acidly.

"Stupid? No. Pain in the ass? Yes." Kaidan sighed, "We don't have all day for explanations, just let me say that not everything is as it appears. But we need to get off this ship before it goes down in flames or reinforcements arrive. We can debate the particulars on the _Normandy_." He gestured with his head to the ship waiting outside.

"Look," Jack said, narrowing her eyes, "You want me to come with you - make it worth my while."

"Join my team and I'll do what I can for you," Kaidan acceded, nodding.

"Don't make promises you can't keep," Jack glared daggers at him, "I bet your ship's got lots of Cerberus databases. I wanna look at those files, see what Cerberus has got on me. You want me on your team, let me go through those databases." She crossed her arms and stood back, daring Kaidan to refuse her.

"I'll get you full access," Kaidan nodded to her, then was stilled as he heard Miranda's voice come over his com.

"_Have you forgotten that you're not in charge, Kaidan? You don't have the right to offer that access._"

"Miranda," Kaidan answered her in a sarcastically sweet tone, "how I've missed you." Of course she had been monitoring them, silently until now. "I think you have a problem, though. If you plan to block Jack's access, then perhaps you should have waited until we returned to the _Normandy_ to notify me. Now, I don't see any reason **to** return. Sure, you can 'leash' me, but then you'd still have to get your ass, and your flunkie's, out here to retrieve my paralyzed body before the _Purgatory_ explodes. Not to mention, you'd have to go through a turian vigilante and a krogan berserker." He saw both Garrus and Grunt nod, supporting his words, then was surprised to see Jack also nod and added, "add one pissed off human biotic to that sit rep – to do it. Come to think of it, Miranda, go ahead and leash me. I could use the entertainment. But I doubt your boss would consider the result a good return on investment."

He could picture Miranda's snarl in his head before her voice came back over the com with a sigh.

"_This isn't the end of this discussion_."

"I'm sure it's not," he answered her, though he was sure she had already closed the connection. He turned to his new recruit and motioned to his team, "Let's move out."

~x~

"It was Cerberus' dossier, Cerberus' funds that put me on the _Purgatory_ in the first place," Kaidan reminded Miranda. They had been standing in her office, facing off over the issue of Jack accessing the databases, since he had returned from the Purgatory. He had come straight from decon, not even stopping to strip off his weapons or armor. "You can't balk at the price she's putting on her cooperation now. _You_ decided we needed her, _I_ collected her, now pay up."

Miranda stood behind her desk, hands on hips, brows arched and body language set in anger. "No, it's too much to ask," she told him for the fourth time since he had entered her office.

Kaidan took a deep breath to calm his temper and tried another approach. "Look, she's not looking for top secret mission-critical information. From what she said, she wants information about her past. Besides, she's going to be under the same restrictions and surveillance as the rest of the _Normandy_. How can she hurt you?" Kaidan saw that he was making progress and forged on, "Beside that, _we_ need to find a way to work together. You may have that leash you like to hold over my head, but you need me willing - you need my cooperation. Using that leash isn't going to buy that, and you say it might kill me. If you want to get Shepard, you need me alive and willing to convince her to work with us. Giving Jack her access is a good first step towards having me to do that."

Kaidan mentally winced while he watched the woman process his words. He was more sure than ever that he wanted Shepard as far away from Cerberus – and unfortunately as a result, himself – as possible. There was no way he intended to do their dirty work, to draw Shepard into their web. But he had decided on those moments of standoff on the _Purgatory_ that it was time he make Cerberus think he would, act like he was willing to cooperate. He certainly wasn't willing to go along blindly, allowing them to threaten him with paralysis or death if he made one move they didn't like any longer. Playing double agent would be walking a fine line, one that made him vaguely nauseous, and he wasn't sure – yet – what his endgame would be, but he did know that he needed to start changing the balance of power before Cerberus owned him completely, in every way.

Miranda seemed to come to a decision, and nodded. "Very well, I'll see that Jack has her access." She pointed at Kaidan, "But you make sure she stays in line."

"Yes, ma'am," Kaidan replied, giving her a mock salute as he exited her office.

~x~

He did take a moment to remove his armor and weapons (and even showered) before setting off to find Jack. He knew he could have asked EDI for her location, but he tried to interact with the AI as little as possible. On an intellectual level, he appreciated the technology, but in application the AI was a constant reminder of the pervasive eyes of Cerberus around him. It didn't make for an easy relationship, so he avoided EDI.

He wasn't surprised at all where he finally found Jack. The storage area beneath engineering was remote, quiet and isolated, exactly what he expected her to choose. She looked up when he came down the steps and watched him walk toward her, as if she were a small animal crouching before the attack of a predator. He wondered what had changed her, what was in her past that had turned her into this angry, frightened creature. Because he was very sure despite all her cocky confidence and bluster, that she was afraid. She just masked it well.

He approached cautiously but casually, not willing to make the situation worse, and stopped at a distance of about 2 meters, leaning against the nearest stack of crates.

"I've cleared your request for access to the Cerberus databases," he said in greeting, "you should be able to find whatever you need now." He offered her the datapads he carried and continued speaking after she took them, "If I can help in any way, let me know."

"Well, aren't you just the Boyscout," she bit off acidly, but her heart didn't seem to be in it, she was already engrossed in the datapads.

"Boyscout?" he echoed with a raised brow, "They don't really accept biotics into that lofty organization."

"Yeah," she replied, softly, "they wouldn't. Too afraid we'd lose our minds and kill everyone."

"Is that how you ended up on a prison ship in cryo?" he probed, trying to get her to open up, even if it was in anger.

"I'm not in the mood to exchange life stories, Boyscout," Jack answered him in a bitter tone, "Maybe another day?" She went back to the datapads and looked like she planned to ignore his presence.

He nodded, accepting her dismissal for now and turned to walk up the steps. Before he reached the first step, he turned back to her.

"I hope you find what you need," Kaidan told her quietly, not sure she would understand his double meaning.

Jack looked up from her datapads and studied him for a quiet moment, then nodded and dropped her gaze again.

"You, too," she responded before he was out of hearing range. She had understood and sent her own message in return.


	9. Reunion

_A/N - ah, yes, Horizon... on the top of most Shenko shippers's list of 'what's wrong with ME2' (ok, so its second after 'Kaidan isn't in it but for one lousy scene' but since that's Horizon too, my point stands)... you may not like my version better, but I promise it doesn't end with an "About Horizon..." email *grin* Um, if you're a Miranda fan, and you're still reading after what I've done to her so far, I'm seriously sorry, but I WILL fix it! As always, all credit goes directly to Bioware~  
_

_Gabe97 and InuGuardian1984 thanks for your continuing reviews and support and staying with me :-) SilentPony and Letticiae, my new reviewers, hello and thanks for your kind words as well :-)_

_StoneburntHeart, thank you for hanging in with me, beta reading, and generally being my soundboard for this fic, it is so much better thanks to your input :-)_

* * *

"Miranda," the Illusive Man spoke as soon as the holo-conference connected, "Shepard has finally surfaced."

"Oh?" she replied, question in her voice.

"Apparently the Alliance decided not to ignore Alenko's warnings about the Collectors," he filled in, "They've tapped Commander Shepard to investigate at-risk colonies and oversee the installation of AA turrets for their protection."

"And use her as bait in the process?" Miranda asked, surprised.

"That's the likely scenario," her boss confirmed after a drag of his cigarette, "but it's irrelevant. Getting Shepard on this ship has always been our primary objective and now we can accomplish it. I'll be informing Alenko that Horizon – the colony that Shepard is now investigating – is the next to be attacked. I have, of course, ensured that will be a fact. And Commander Shepard's engineers are finding the installation of the GARDIAN turrets much more difficult than on the other colonies of her tour."

"Clever," Miranda nodded, "it all looks like an unfortunate coincidence."

"Indeed," the Illusive Man nodded, "now I need you to do your part. Ensure that you are on the ground team for Alenko's mission."

"With all due respect, Sir," Miranda protested, raising her hand, "he doesn't trust me - he won't believe anything I say."

"Then find a way to convince him," the Illusive Man snapped back, ending their conference.

~x~

Kaidan looked up from the mission report he was writing (out of habit more than necessity, Cerberus didn't require as much paperwork as the military) at the sound of EDI's voice over the com.

"Lieutenant Alenko," the AI addressed him formally, "the Illusive Man is waiting to speak with you in the com room."

Kaidan figured there were many other things he'd rather be doing at that moment, including suffering one of his old migraines, but he realized that since he had recruited all his existing dossiers and there apparently had been no new Collector attacks, he had no course, no plan of attack, no idea where to even go next unless he got more input. Likely, the Illusive bastard was calling to provide that. He acknowledged EDI and walked out to the elevator.

A few minutes later, he stared into the holographic image of his nemesis, who was seated as always with cigarette in one hand, drink in the other.

"Kaidan," the Illusive Man greeted him, and surprised Kaidan by sounding somewhat excited, "I think we have them! Horizon – one of our colonies in the Terminus Systems – just went silent. If it isn't under attack, it soon will be. Has Mordin delivered the countermeasure for the seeker swarms?"

"Not yet," Kaidan answered, although he knew the salarian was getting close.

"Let's hope he works well under pressure," the Illusive Man said dryly, "There's something else you should know. Commander Shepard is currently stationed on Horizon."

Kaidan heart stopped, sank, and leapt – all in the same instant. He had to swallow before he could speak again, "Shepard? Why is Shepard on Horizon?" he asked, his voice not as level as he wanted it to be.

"Apparently the Alliance decided to heed your warnings," the Illusive Man took a drag, exhaled and continued, "Shepard is there with a team of engineers installing some anti-aircraft turrets for the colony's protection."

Installing AA guns? Shepard? That didn't sound plausible, but he _could_ see the Alliance wanting to cautiously investigate the information he had provided Councilor Anderson and of course they'd want to send their most qualified soldier to do it. He nodded. Apparently the Alliance had known where Shepard had been, even if Councilor Anderson hadn't, and they had sent her to protect the colonies. That made sense - she was their Reaper expert after all.

"So the Collectors just happened to pick the colony where Shepard is? That's a big coincidence," Kaidan knew he sounded nearly accusatory, but he couldn't keep the emotion from his voice.

"It shouldn't be a surprise that the Collectors are interested in Shepard, especially if they're working for the Reapers," the Illusive Man replied on an exhale, "apparently they discovered her presence on Horizon just as Cerberus did."

"We should send a message to the Citadel," Kaidan implored, hoping beyond hope that the man would listen to reason, "the Alliance can give us reinforcements."

"Not until you investigate," the Illusive Man shook his head, "I don't want the Alliance getting in our way. Once you have the situation under control, I'll send the message personally."

And it'll snow in hell the day after, Kaidan thought to himself. "Fine, send me the coordinates, I'll check in with Mordin and head there immediately." He ended the conference and headed to the tech lab.

~x~

Commander Shepard was not a big fan of Horizon. Up until now, her tour of at-risk colonies had gone according to plan. The public plan anyway. She had landed on the previous two colonies, her engineers had installed the GARDIAN turrets, and they had moved on, usually within two days. No sign of the Collectors or Cerberus. It annoyed her.

She knew that Anderson was being careful. Publicly announcing via ANN that Commander Shepard had returned to active duty and was being sent to human colonies in the Terminus Systems was not only obvious but also likely to announce to Cerberus the underlying plan in flashing red letters. Instead, her mission had been kept on the (relative) down-low with the only communications regarding it being sent through channels they knew Cerberus could hack. Her daily reports to Anderson filled with her frustration and impatience - and his replies filled with cautions and requests for continued resolve - were sent on highly encrypted channels and coded with the very latest Alliance protocols.

She had landed on Horizon two days before and the annoyance that had risen steadily since the beginning of her mission threatened to reach critical mass. First, there were the residents of Horizon. So far they ranged from suspicious and unwelcoming to downright hostile in attitude, and as a whole showed a lack of interest in or gratitude for the AA guns Shepard was installing. Her engineers were installing. Whatever. Then, there were the AA guns themselves, which Shepard's crack team of engineers couldn't manage to bring online and couldn't seem to diagnose the issue with either. Nor could they provide an ETA for said installation.

Now, Shepard thought, looking up into the bright, cheerful sunny sky that so contrasted her mood, the coms. One of the colonists had approached her minutes ago to inform her that all coms were down, a fact that Shepard confirmed when she tried to access both her standard and encrypted channels upon hearing the report. Great, she thought to herself as she stalked off to locate one of her engineers to pull them off the turrets and onto the coms situation, Horizon is not my favorite place anymore - I can't wait to get out of here.

All hell broke loose a moment later.

~x~

Miranda stood outside the closed door to Starboard Obs for a full minute before she opened it, mentally rehearsing the story she had developed to convince Kaidan to add her to the squad for the Horizon mission. After her conference with the Illusive Man, she had given much thought to the best way to implement his orders. She had considered and rejected seduction – she didn't think it stood a remote chance of success, and the idea of being sexual with a man who had amounted to her science project for two years made her vaguely ill anyway. She thought about threats, but she worried that after their last confrontation Kaidan would only push back harder. She had finally settled on appealing to his protective instincts, his humanity. Manipulative, yes, but she was fairly sure it would be effective.

He turned from the window on the opposite side of the room and she saw the annoyance on his face before he hid it. She walked deliberately slow to the center of the room, keeping their distance and put a quaver in her voice when she greeted him. "Kaidan," she let just enough vulnerability show to be believed, "EDI told me we're headed to Horizon, that it's under attack by the Collectors?" she ended on a questioning note and saw the confusion at her manner flash on his face.

"They've gone silent," Kaidan replied neutrally, "we don't know the situation yet, and we're going to investigate."

Miranda nodded once, and let out a hitching breath, "I know you don't trust me," she said softly, "and I apologize for my part in that. But I need to ask you to put me on your squad for this mission."

"Miranda," Kaidan replied impatiently, "I've already tapped Garrus and Grunt. They're my ground team."

"I know, I understand," Miranda replied softly, "but I can be useful, you can use my biotics, you know I'll follow your orders on the ground." Let him take the bait, she thought to herself, let him come to me.

"Miranda," he searched her face and questioned, "what's going on? What's really behind this request?"

"Kaidan," she said, allowing a single tear to fall softly down her cheek, "I have a brother…" she trailed off and took a deep steadying breath, "he's on Horizon. Please, I have to know, I have to see if he's ok. Please take me?"

He searched her face, absorbing her words and thinking for some time before she saw him come to a decision. He nodded once in silent acceptance of her request and turned back to the window. She left without comment, mission accomplished.

~x~

From the moment that the shuttle deposited them on Horizon and they saw that the colony was indeed under attack by the Collectors, Kaidan began to panic. Mordin's cheerful assessment over the com that his swarm countermeasure should work - in theory didn't even amuse him as it normally would. The fact that it wasn't Mordin's news, nor the unknown danger that they faced, nor even having a less than trustworthy member of his squad on the ground that had caused his panic wasn't something Kaidan consciously recognized. Instead, all he could think, repeated in his head like a mantra was 'find Shepard'. He didn't even stop to glance back at Garrus and Miranda as he started out from the shuttle with that single goal front and center in his brain.

They moved forward to the first deserted courtyard and quickly took cover as they were attacked. The Collectors, which Kaidan had come to think of as bipedal bugs, presented more of a challenge than the mercs they had been fighting lately. This enemy had barriers and shields and a nearly uncanny intelligence that required strategy and tactics to defeat. Kaidan didn't mind, it kept his mind off his unnaturally increased heart rate and respiration. Symptoms not of exertion, but the panic he had to shove aside so that he could function in combat. In short, he welcomed the challenge the Collectors were presenting right now.

Wave dispatched, Kaidan motioned the team forward and they continued their search, the hulk of the enemy ship looming above them. He saw the swarms of seekers buzzing around them like the angry insects they resembled and wasn't surprised when Miranda informed him that their coms with the _Normandy_ were disrupted. He nodded and ducked into cover as they encountered a new group of Collectors. We're on our own now, he thought grimly.

Something about the enemies in this group triggered a memory for Kaidan. From years ago - from another life. Apparently, Garrus noticed, too, because the turian's voice came over coms a moment later. "Those look like husks!"

"Yeah," Kaidan answered, "but the Geth used spikes and the tech from Sovereign to convert the colonists on Eden Prime to husks, I don't see any here."

"Then they must have brought these with them," Miranda hypothesized, "Proof of the connection between the Collectors and the Reapers?"

"It would seem so," Kaidan confirmed, studying the now-dead body of the husk at his feet, "and these husks seem a little different, upgraded." He scanned the gruesome corpse with his omni-tool, making a record of the information. "Let's move out," he told his team when the scan was complete, "the Collectors aren't getting any more victims today."

~x~

When they found the first colonists, frozen in some sort of stasis, Kaidan's first reaction was relief. Not relief that the colonists were apparently still alive - nor even horror at the realization that the people were completely aware and unable to act, react. Kaidan had some acquaintance with that feeling himself, thanks to Cerberus, and he did, after the relief, feel a twinge of empathy for their condition. But the initial relief was because the people he now studied, frozen in a sick parody of life weren't Shepard. When it struck him that his relief was premature, that Shepard was still out there, perhaps frozen like this herself, the panic returned, in force. He motioned the team forward. There was nothing he could do for these colonists now.

In the next courtyard, another group of Collectors attacked, and they took cover and returned fire. After a few seconds, Kaidan began to realize something was different in this group, and he focused on the one deep echoing voice that carried over the rest of the battlefield screams and sounds.

"_Assuming direct control_. _We are the Harbinger of your perfection_."

Kaidan focused on the Collector that spoke, and his hud warned him of the enemy's barrier. "Garrus," he called over coms, "concentrate on the loudmouth, be ready with a concussive shot after my warp."

He saw Garrus' nod and they put their plan into action. Their moment of celebration was short when Kaidan heard the voice ring out again.

"_This body does not matter. You only damage the vessel, you cannot hurt me. Assuming control of this form_."

Kaidan saw another of the Collectors on the flank stiffen and twitch as if shot - although none of the squad had targeted it – and his hud indicated that barriers had formed around it. Well shit, he thought. Here we go again.

"_The forces of the universe bend to me. Nothing stands against us. Our power is unmatched._"

Kaidan directed his squad to repeat the maneuver over and over until all the Collectors were dispatched. Match that, asshole, he thought as they moved forward once again.

~x~

Standing at the GARDIAN control panel waiting for EDI's uploads to repair the targeting matrix and fighting off wave after wave of fresh Collectors, Kaidan decided that the voice – Harbinger – was really pissing him off. It would have been an effective strategy - a distraction or demoralization tactic - except for the fact that it gave Kaidan all the more reason to kill it as quickly as possible. As the battle became more and more heated, Kaidan began to feel more than anger. Alarm began to rise as he heard Harbinger begin to speak of Shepard, apparently as desperate to find her as Kaidan was himself.

"_Where is Shepard? You cannot escape your destiny, Shepard._"

Well, fuck, apparently Cerberus was right. These Collectors were targeting Shepard, and the attack on Horizon was a result of her presence. Kaidan pressed forward grimly, with renewed determination. They weren't going to achieve their objective today, not while he was still standing.

~x~

Commander Shepard felt the stasis that had held her in its paralyzing grip since the attack started release at nearly the same moment the sounds of the now-functional GARDIAN turrets firing reached her ears. She took a deep breath, shook off the numbness in her limbs and tucked away the questions about how the turrets had come online so conveniently - without the skills of her engineers - and moved toward the sounds of the battle she had heard. She rounded a corner and walked down a set of stairs and then stopped dead in her tracks, paralyzed for the second time today, this time by the sight of her long-dead lover. When she could move again, she didn't think, she didn't analyze. She did the only thing that she had longed to do for two long years. She leapt into his arms and held him.

~x~

Kaidan was distracted from his perusal of the Collector ship retreating in the distant sky by the sound of his name, called in a voice that he had not forgotten – never would forget. He turned to the source of the voice just in time to catch the woman who literally jumped into his arms and braced himself so they wouldn't fall. His arms closed around her automatically, instinctually, they too, had not forgotten. He brought his hand up and cradled her to his chest and inhaled deeply, taking in her familiar scent. They stood like that for a long moment, wrapped in each other, in their individual feelings, ignoring the world around them. Almost simultaneously, they pulled back and stared into each other's eyes. Amber met green and locked, communicating two years worth of emotion in just one instant. When he saw those green eyes filled with tears that he knew she wouldn't allow to fall, he did the only thing he could, the only thing he wanted to do. He lowered his mouth and kissed her.

~x~

Shepard closed her eyes as his mouth touched hers, gently, softly, in a reunion of heart not body. She sighed under him and relaxed fully for the first time since the aftermath of the _Normandy_ crash. She returned his kiss, gently at first, but then her greedy heart wasn't happy and she opened her mouth against his, escalating the contact, wanting more. He responded, following her lead, and their tongues met, danced, stroked. She moaned into his open mouth and pressed herself against his armored body, trying to get closer, trying to take him, take all of him, devour. She was home, finally, and she reveled in it, celebrated it, and her heart sang in relief, in joy. He was alive. That last thought in her tumble of emotions was enough for reality to intrude, to burst the bubble. She broke the kiss, struggling to bring her arms up and push with both hands against his chest until they stood, facing each other, but no longer touching, both panting from lack of oxygen.

~x~

Reality hit Kaidan at almost the same instant as Shepard. He had been so lost - in her touch, her taste, the utter joy of completion and rediscovery - he had let the emotions blind him to his prior resolution. As he watched her now, struggling for breath and reaching for the control and mask he knew she would hide behind, he reminded himself that as glad as he was that she was safe, alive, _here,_ he needed to keep her that way. He knew he had to push her away, had to hurt her, and he knew doing so would kill him in the process, slowly. But his death wouldn't matter - her safety was the only consideration. He watched her for another moment, drinking in her beauty, storing away the memories for when he could stand to retrieve them later. He took a deep breath and steeled himself to do the thing he least wanted to do in this world – hurt the woman he loved more than life.

"Shepard," Kaidan said in greeting, "It's good to see you." The words were ones of comrades, casual friends, but not lovers. He saw the hurt and confusion, for just an instant before she masked it, and mentally winced.

"It's good to see me?" Shepard echoed bitterly, "Kaidan you were dead – **for two years** – and now you're here with _Cerberus_ and you say it's 'good to see me'?"

"I did have warning that you might be here before we landed," Kaidan replied casually, forcing himself to continue, "so I'm glad to see you're ok."

"Ok?" Shepard echoed, once again, "How can you say that? Do you have any idea how I felt when you died? When I stood at your funeral? Then I hear – from Anderson, not you – that you're back, somehow, and working with an organization I full well know we both hate?" She ignored the flaws in her logic - that he couldn't have contacted her - she had been too well hidden - and that Anderson himself had told her he sent Kaidan back to Cerberus. Those flaws burned away in the heat of her anger. Why was he acting like this?

"Cerberus is the only one doing anything about these Collector attacks," Kaidan responded calmly, noting her anger with both satisfaction (at his success) and deep regret (at the damage he was causing), "the Alliance did nothing until I brought them evidence, and even then they only sent you, and some AA guns."

"So now you're on their side?" Shepard asked, horrified. She couldn't reconcile the Kaidan she knew with the man standing before her now, "Now you'll defend Cerberus?"

Kaidan found that he was unable to completely lie, completely defend his enemies, even if it would save Shepard, "I may not agree with them, but they're doing the right thing now. Someone has to protect these colonies."

"Kaidan," she was pleading now, and damn her pride, she didn't care, "come back with me we'll go to the Alliance. We'll make them listen - we'll protect the colonies together - without Cerberus."

Kaidan's heart broke for her, again. But he was resolute and he wouldn't let her change his mind.

"I tried that already, Shepard," he told her quietly, "they turned me away. I can't take the chance, not even for you." He said the last nearly inaudibly, not intending for her to hear but he saw that the words had reached her with nearly physical force anyway. He turned away from the woman he loved, heart breaking, pain he couldn't allow to show filling him, nearly crippling in force, intending to walk away from her – for her own good. He stopped, dead in his tracks, when Miranda approached and began to speak.

"Touching reunion, I must say," Miranda drawled condescendingly, "but if the two of you are done airing your emotional grievances, we have business to conduct."

Shepard narrowed her eyes and turned to Miranda, happy to have a new target for her anger, "What business?"

Kaidan also turned to Miranda, the pieces of the puzzle clicking into place, "There never was a brother, was there?" he questioned her quietly.

Miranda answered Kaidan first. "A necessary deception, I'm afraid, Kaidan," she told him with no hint of apology.

"Commander Shepard," Miranda said, addressing the other woman finally, dismissing Kaidan as unnecessary, irrelevant, "It's now clear that these colony attacks are not random, and we have proof that the Reapers are behind them. There's only one person in the galaxy qualified to lead the fight against the Reapers – you."

Shepard stared at this woman who was so clearly a Cerberus operative - even without the proof of the organization's logo emblazoned on her ridiculous outfit - in utter disbelief, "You expect me to work for _Cerberus_?" she spat at Miranda in shock.

Two things happened nearly simultaneously. Kaidan stepped forward in anger, in protest, to try to reach Miranda, to physically restrain the woman if necessary. Miranda was going to ruin his plan. He would do anything – _anything_ – to stop her. At nearly the same moment, Miranda opened her omni-tool and executed the leash, effectively freezing Kaidan in his tracks before he could reach her. Shepard stared in horror as she saw Kaidan, frozen in stasis, as she had been during the Collector attack, then swung her gaze to Miranda, her anger cool ice in her gut now, danger radiating from her every pore.

"What. The. **Fuck**. Did. You. Do. To. Him.?" she spat each word as an individual sentence, with the force of bullets.

"A simple demonstration of why you _will_ work with Cerberus," Miranda said with a shrug. "It's a measure that you wouldn't want to force us to employ frequently, as it's potentially fatal. Still, since you were our quarry from the beginning," she mused almost to herself now, "I suppose the Lieutenant is now expendable."

Shepard wanted to kill her. Bare handed. She wanted to rip the woman apart until only small pieces that no one could identify as ever having been human remained and then dance on those pieces in a brutal celebration of victory. But her love for Kaidan was stronger than any other emotion she had ever felt, including anger, and she shoved her homicidal wishes aside in favor of concern for him. She couldn't take a chance, couldn't risk that he wouldn't recover, that Miranda hadn't lied and the leash was actually fatal. She took several deep breaths and reached for control before she spoke, her voice chilled with her anger and resentment.

"He's **not** expendable," Shepard bit out in clipped tones, "and that is the first condition of me accepting your _offer_. If anything happens to him, I will kill you, and I will take Cerberus down, Reapers or not."

Miranda nodded, not surprised, and raised her brow in question, "Understood, any other conditions?"

"Yeah," Shepard responded, still simmering, "From now on, I'm in charge. We do things my way, or not at all. I give the orders, I'm in command. If you want me – need me – as much as you say - those are my terms."

Once again Miranda wasn't surprised, it was a concession she'd expected to make. "Very well, Commander Shepard, welcome to the _Normandy_."

Shepard stood, not acknowledging the insult those words inflicted on her battered heart, and didn't move until Miranda accessed her omni-tool once again and released Kaidan. When she saw that he would speak, protest, she raised a hand to silence him. "Not now," she bit off quietly, giving in to her anger now that he was safe, and she turned to walk to the waiting shuttle. "Let's go," she called to the people around her, "I've had enough of this place."


	10. Settling In

_A/N - ok so this fic is Shenko from here on out as I've promised you, but I warned you from the start, its not necessarily gonna be a happy or fluffy ride... they have issues... at least now they can start to work on them ;-) Trust me, I am a huge Shenko shipper and anything I break, I WILL fix. In the meantime, Shepard has a few loose ends to tie up, and this chapter may answer some questions you may have about subtle differences between my story and the original... As always, Bioware owns all, I take no credit :-)_

_Thanks to all of you for your continuing support, and for following, favoriting. Gabe97, Lyv, StoneburntHeart, Letticiae, and InuGuardian1984, thank you for your reviews... Letticiae, I agree with you about Garrus, but the moment was so tense, I just didn't want to interrupt. I promise I will deal with that oversight in this and upcoming chapters :-) InuGuardian1984, Shepard's quick acceptance and forgiveness of Miranda was another ME2 pet peeve that I wanted to fix in this fic... but I have plans for Miranda still, so hang in there with me :-) _

_As always, special thanks to my beta, StoneburntHeart, for all her help :-)_

* * *

Shepard began her tour of the new _Normandy SR2_ where she felt any self-respecting warship captain should – from the ground up. She did it solo, eschewing the overly-friendly Yeoman Chambers' offer of accompaniment. She had turned Chambers down for two reasons. First, she didn't need Chambers' information. She knew her way around a ship – she had grown up on them, even – and she doubted Ms. Chambers could provide any detail that would not be obvious to her own trained eyes. Second, Kelly Chambers was perky, friendly, overly solicitous, and Shepard didn't trust anyone that welcoming to strangers. Counselor or not, that woman needed to learn a thing or two about people. Preferably as far away from Shepard as possible while she did it.

By the time she returned to the CIC and plotted the _Normandy_'s course, she had combed nearly every inch of the rebuilt ship, and met all its occupants. She had left only two rooms unexplored. One was the captain's cabin – her current destination – and the other, Starboard Observation. She knew who currently occupied the latter and she was deliberately avoiding him. That exploration she didn't have the time or patience to deal with yet, she thought to herself as she stabbed the button for the elevator.

~x~

Kaidan knew he had hurt Shepard, wounded her, and perhaps even damaged their relationship irreparably. All in vain, apparently, since she was now on the _Normandy_, leading the fight against the Collectors, exactly as Cerberus had intended. He cursed himself that he had been the ultimate tool to be used against her in a cruel twist of fate. So, while he knew they should talk, that he should definitely apologize, try to explain, instead he sat brooding in Starboard Obs, blindly staring out the viewport, once again seeing nothing beyond his own thoughts and recriminations.

How could he let this happen? Why didn't he see through Miranda's ruse? He had been so worried about Shepard, so concerned when he saw the attack on Horizon, and had fallen so easily into their kiss when he finally found Shepard that he didn't think straight, didn't check all the angles. He hadn't been careful enough. For a man who had worked so hard at caution and control, he castigated himself now for letting his long-developed habits slide in the face of one woman. That she was the woman he loved with all his heart - and sometimes to distraction - didn't excuse him. He had screwed up and he couldn't face her, not yet. He sighed and turned back to stargazing.

~x~

Shepard had just finished her perusal of the richly appointed 'captain's cabin' and sank into the chair in the office area when she heard the door open behind her. She turned and saw Miranda Lawson enter and saunter toward her.

"Shepard," Miranda began, but Shepard stood, and cut her off.

"It's Commander Shepard," she glared at Miranda, "and I don't know how Cerberus does things, but on an Alliance warship, one does not enter the captain's private quarters without an invitation. In your case, I'd leave it at 'one does not enter the captain's private quarters,'" she finished on a snarl, speaking to the other woman as if Miranda were a wet-behind-the-ears new recruit.

Miranda glared back, not backing down, not dropping her gaze, but she nodded.

"_Commander_ Shepard," she began again, pointedly, "Kelly informed me that we're headed to the Citadel?"

"Was that a question?" Shepard asked, her brow raised.

"Look," Miranda began on a sigh, "I realize we're never going to be friends, but we need to work together." She waited until Shepard gave a slight nod, then continued, "Since we're headed to the Citadel, I thought I'd let you know that I have forwarded a new dossier to your terminal. I assume you'll want to continue Kaidan's-" she broke off at the other woman's renewed glare and corrected herself, "Lieutenant Alenko's mission and recruit your own team?"

"I'm certainly not going boots down with Cerberus troops," Shepard growled in return, then sighed, "I'll check out the file. Is that all?"

"For now," Miranda replied.

"Good, then get the hell out of my quarters," Shepard said in dismissal, returning to the desk chair. When she heard the door close quietly, signaling Miranda's departure, she reached for the terminal in front of her, then her glance slid sharply to the right and she saw her image staring back at her. Kaidan, she thought with a weary sigh, what have they done to you? She pressed her fingers against her eyes to try to push back the tears that threatened to fall, then reached over and slammed the holo-frame down, face-first.

~x~

Garrus gave them time, he gave them space. He knew that Kaidan and Shepard had not had an easy relationship – he had been there from the start. He had watched, first out of curiosity, then growing interest, then finally supportive friendship as they had endured their dance of avoidance, trying to ignore their growing attraction out of respect for regulations.

He didn't really understand it - turian ships rarely had such concerns - the occupants of such vessels were expected to conduct themselves properly and no one questioned what happened off the battlefield. But he understood duty and honor and had respected their choice to do so as well. Until their battle against Saren became more desperate than duty or honor could endure and they had finally given in to their feelings. Seeing his two best friends find such solace in each other and their love had made Garrus realize that, turian or not, he was a romantic. He wasn't sure the gap between them could be bridged, but he wouldn't deserve to call himself their friend if he didn't try.

With that resolve, he entered Starboard Observation and found Kaidan exactly where he expected to – staring out the viewport. He approached quietly and came to stand beside his friend.

"Are the answers out there in the stars?" he asked quietly.

"If they are," Kaidan replied quietly without looking at him, "I'm not seeing them."

Garrus nodded and they stood quietly for another moment before he spoke again.

"If you'll pardon a little unsolicited advice from an old friend," Garrus turned to Kaidan now, "you need to go talk to her."

Kaidan remained in position, eyes focused on the view he wasn't really seeing. "I hurt her - I was trying to protect her - but the damage remains," he said quietly, "she's not going to want to talk to me."

"Anyone with eyes could see what you were doing, Kaidan," Garrus replied, "and Shepard's far from blind. She knows it, too, deep inside. And she will forgive you eventually. But she's as stubborn as you are – maybe more – and she won't come to you. Haven't you learned by now that life's too short to leave the important things unsaid?"

Kaidan winced a bit as the comment hit a nerve, but he appreciated his friend all the more for saying it. "I guess I'm being an ass, huh?"

Garrus chuckled and patted him on the back. "We all have our moments, my friend." Then he left him to his stars.

~x~

When a knock interrupted her this time, Shepard figured that Miranda had learned at least that lesson, barely looked up from the terminal where she had been reading the thief's dossier and snarled, "Enter."

When she didn't hear Miranda's voice as she had expected - in fact, she heard nothing - she turned and stood. She saw Kaidan standing at parade rest waiting for her to acknowledge him. It didn't improve her mood. Still, she sighed, reined in her legendary temper a slight notch, nodded a greeting, and followed it with, "Kaidan."

Kaidan was sure there were plenty of things he should say in that moment. Things that a wiser man would say. But he had heard the _Normandy's_ destination while he took the long route to her cabin, so instead, what he did say was the thing that first came to mind, "Word is we're headed to the Citadel, can you tell me why?"

That it echoed one of their first conversations didn't go unnoticed – by either of them.

Shepard studied the face of the man she had mourned for two years. That she had only been able to love for only a short time before he was stolen from her. That she still loved to this day. He looked the same, sounded the same, hell, he felt and tasted the same if their embrace on Horizon was any indication. But as much as she longed to throw herself into his arms, to have everything be the same again, she couldn't forget, couldn't ignore the way he acted on Horizon, the things he had said - the things he hadn't said. She knew he hadn't come here to talk about their destination, but she wasn't going to make his life easier for him, not now. So she answered the question he asked, instead of all the ones he didn't.

"A number of reasons," she began, her tone neutral and business-like. "First, I need to recruit a pilot – because I'll be damned if that sorry excuse of a nugget Samuels is gonna stay at the helm of the _Normandy_ – SR2 or not."

Ah, Kaidan thought, that was the pilot's name – Samuels… not that he needed to memorize it now… he watched as Shepard began to pace, ticking off her list on her fingers.

"Second, I've heard that Dr. Chakwas is working in a clinic on the Citadel." She continued pacing, almost thinking out loud now, "and while I like Dr. Solus – so far – and I'm sure he's competent, I think his skills would be more useful elsewhere, so I need a dedicated doctor on board."

"Third, apparently Cerberus thinks I should recruit some type of master thief for the crew," she said this scornfully and Kaidan rather agreed, "although I haven't completed my review of the dossier." She gestured to the open terminal on the desk.

"Finally, I need to speak with Councilor Anderson," this time she stopped in front of Kaidan and looked directly at him as she continued, "to let him know that my mission – at least part of it – is complete. That I have determined that the threat to human colonists is real and that Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko is in fact alive – again. Then I have to respectfully tell him that I will not be completing the last part of my mission – to return Lieutenant Alenko, safely, to the Alliance. Then, we'll be leaving council space before the Alliance can court-martial me."

Kaidan stared at her in shock for a moment as the full implications of what she said hit him. The first three parts of her plans weren't unexpected, but the last? He opened his mouth and gave his opinion before actually thinking about what he was saying.

"Shepard, that's career suicide! You can't…" he stopped as heard himself and tried to rein it in.

"I can't?" Shepard wasn't going to give him the chance, instead her anger jumped from simmer to full boil while he searched for better words, "Now you're going to give me orders? Really, Kaidan, dying didn't change you for the better."

"I wasn't trying to give you orders," he let her blow glance off him, for now, since he had earned it, "I just find it hard to believe that you'll leave the Alliance, take the risk of court-martial for…" he trailed off again, unsure how to finish.

"For you?" Shepard finished softly. "Yeah I would. But don't take it personally, cause I'd likely do it for any of my crew."

He nodded. Although he realized she had meant to wound with the words, they weren't any less true.

She sighed. Relented a bit. She reached a hand up to touch his face softly, tracing over the scars that she had noticed when she had first seen him. Scars that looked mostly healed but were a blatant reminder of the torture he'd endured.

"Kaidan," she said softly, searching his eyes, "what did they do to you?"

He reveled in her touch, the feel of her skin against his, even for that brief moment. Then he closed his eyes and sighed. "It doesn't matter anymore," he answered her.

"It does to me," she said, then dropped her hand. "Look, Kaidan, I really need to get some work done before we arrive."

He heard the dismissal – saw it as well – and knew that nothing he would say would reach her now, even if he knew the right words. They were stranded each on their own side of a sea of hurt and two years of death stretched out between them. It wasn't a distance one kiss and another conversation would breach. But he had something that he hadn't before coming to her cabin - hope. He hoped that they would eventually breach it. He'd have to accept that for now. He nodded and turned to leave.

~x~

When they arrived at the Citadel two hours later, Shepard left the _Normandy_ unaccompanied. She had sent a message to Kaidan from her terminal shortly after he left her cabin asking him to understand that she needed to complete her errands alone. His response had been neutral and he didn't appear to have taken offense. She was grateful, because she didn't really need to heap anything else on the pile of resentment between them.

She met with Kasumi first, and was surprised to find that she actually liked the woman, thief or not. After some witty banter, she agreed to have Kasumi join the team. Shepard figured she could always drop her somewhere later if she changed her mind, and truth to be told, she needed a team. Kaidan had gotten a good start. Well, she wasn't sure about the biotic, but other than that, it had been a good start. But it wasn't enough, she needed more. So she took Kasumi.

She headed to Zakera Ward Clinic, where she had discovered Doctor Karin Chakwas was now working. When she entered, she looked at the mass of squalor and sickness around her and wondered if taking Chakwas away from this was entirely too selfish. Still, the _Normandy_ did need a full time resident doctor so Shepard squared her shoulders and waited until Chakwas could see her. Ten minutes later, the grateful doctor was promising to pack her bags and meet her back on board.

Those errands complete, she headed to the Presidium Embassies to complete her last two, knowing they'd be the most difficult.

~x~

This time, she waited patiently in Anderson's outer office until his assistant let her in. He greeted her at the door, noting her casual appearance and the stress and fatigue on her face. As before, he motioned her to the chairs in front of his desk and took his seat behind it.

"Shepard, I didn't expect you to return so quickly," Anderson began, "The Alliance was notified of the attack on Horizon, you were there?"

Shepard nodded then took a deep breath and gave her report, filling him in on the situation with the Collectors, Reapers, Cerberus, and Kaidan. When she was finished, she paused to allow him to process all that she had said.

Because he knew her so well, he heard both everything she said and the things she hadn't and immediately reached the conclusion she had known he would.

"And you plan to stay on the _Normandy_ - to fight the Collectors - to stay with Kaidan?" Anderson asked her softly.

"What choice do I have, Anderson?" Shepard replied grimly, "It's _Kaidan_."

And that, Anderson thought, summed everything up neatly. "I know what he is to you, what he means to you, Shepard, but this is a huge risk. Not just to your career but…"

She interrupted him with a raised hand. "I know the risks, I understand them," she said firmly, "but someone needs to deal with this threat. And someone needs to get Kaidan out of those bastards' clutches. Who better than me?"

"Alright," he responded, nodding, knowing that nothing would change her mind now, "What do you need?"

Shepard took a moment to be grateful for this man who had been more than just a CO, more even than a mentor, but closer to a father since she had met him, all those years ago after the Blitz. Without Anderson, her career and her life may be drastically different.

"Two things," she told him in response to his question, "First, I need a pilot that can handle the _Normandy_."

"You want Joker?" Anderson clarified although he knew the answer. When she nodded, he continued, "I'll contact Admiral Hackett and pull some strings." More strings, Anderson thought with a grimace, but he knew the Admiral's favorite brand of whiskey. The favor wouldn't come cheap but he could afford it.

"What's the other request?" Anderson asked.

"Cerberus has the _Normandy_ bugged with eyes and ears everywhere," Shepard sighed, "there's even an onboard AI. Can you get a message through secure channels?"

Again, he understood what she was asking without her spelling it out. "Consider it done, Shepard."

She nodded and stood to leave. Then she paused and looked at him for a long moment, as if memorizing his face in case she didn't return.

"Thank you for everything, Anderson," she said softly, putting years of meaning to her words. Then she left his office. She never heard his quiet reply.

"You're welcome, child."

~x~

By the time she reached the _Normandy's_ airlock, her omni-tool beeped with a message from Anderson. She read it, closed her omni-tool, and then she entered the airlock and headed to the CIC. They were headed to Illium.


	11. Some Truths Hurt

_A/N - Let me start by apologizing for a short chapter (for this fic), but since I'll be double-posting tomorrow with 5k words of Shenko goodness, I hope you'll forgive me :-) Liara fans - and I'm not spoiling here since you knew we were headed to Illium - I have to beg your forgiveness as well, but I have to fix another ME2 pet peeve in this chapter... As always, all credit for the characters, some of the dialog, and the ME universe go to Bioware  
_

_Thanks to everyone for reading and for the alerts and favorites... Thanks to Gabe97, SilentPony, Letticiae, and Abionastar50 for taking the time to share your thoughts - your feedback is much appreciated!  
_

_Once again, special thanks to my beta StoneburntHeart for all her help :-)_

* * *

"Commander Shepard," the Illusive Man greeted her with what appeared to be satisfaction ringing in his drawl.

"We're not friends - and we're not going to be - Illusive Man," Shepard shot back acidly, "so this better not be a social call."

"While I'll admit I did want to get acquainted," the Illusive Man replied, puffing on his cigarette, then exhaling slowly, "I do have business to discuss."

Shepard stood, hands on hips, and waited him out.

"Very well," he sighed, "Perhaps in time you won't be so confrontational."

"Don't bet on it," she muttered.

"Miranda informed me that you're headed to Illium, so I've forwarded you a new dossier. There's a drell assassin there that you may want to add to your team," he continued as if he hadn't heard her.

Shepard raised a brow. A thief, a crazy biotic convict, and now an assassin? No wonder Cerberus had become the organization that they were today if the Illusive Man considered those types ideal recruits.

"I'll review the file," she snapped back in response, refusing to give an inch, certainly unwilling to give thanks.

He nodded and ended the conference before she could. He was a master of strategy and tactical retreat was the only smart move at this point.

~x~

Shepard had stopped by the armory on the way to the CIC. She fully intended to conduct herself on board this parody ship in much the same way as she had the original. That meant getting to know each of her crew – inside and out. It was a valuable skill she had learned under Anderson. It was safer to go into combat if the soldier guarding your back didn't see you as just a figurehead and their CO, but rather a real person. On the flip side, Shepard benefited by knowing how the individual would react in stressful situations and be better able to give commands and be more easily understood by them in return. It was that symbiotic cohesion - she counted it among the reasons she had been successful against Saren - that she expected from this new team as well.

If Jacob Taylor knew that reasoning, perhaps she wouldn't now be standing, mouth agape, trying to decide if his remark about fraternization was a pointed dig at her relationship with Kaidan or… a pass? Was Jacob Taylor _hitting on her_? What the fuck?

Shepard considered Taylor the lesser of two Cerberus evils on board, in fact, in their previous conversation, she had found him fairly honest – not a trait she usually associated with that organization - but a little aloof. But the idea that the man would see her push against his aloofness and attempt to establish rapport as anything more than the actions of a dedicated commander was… ridiculous. Time to shut this down, ASAP.

"Mr. Taylor," Shepard said, raising a hand and straightening from the table against which she had been leaning, "I do appreciate your information about fraternization, but I assure you my interest was purely professional. I make it a habit to get to know all my personnel on a one-to-one, so I'm not here out of anything more than that. Is that going to be a problem?"

She could swear she saw color rise in his cheeks before he, also, fell into military habits and straightened, snapped to attention, and gave her a smart, "No, ma'am." The only thing missing was a salute.

"Good," she said, relaxing her posture again and giving him a smile, "so as I was saying, tell me about your career with the Alliance…"

~x~

Shepard once again disembarked solo when they arrived at Illium. She had a few items on her agenda, and she doubted she needed a full team for the first few, no matter how outside the law Illium operated. Her information was that the station had its own code, but was civilized, so she didn't see the need for a full squad accompaniment on a few meetings.

She didn't raise her brows in surprise when she was met by the concierge and informed that her docking fees had been paid by Liara T'Soni. The information broker – it was still hard to reconcile her young friend with that title – was one of her reasons for being here and that Liara had already known Shepard was headed to Illium spoke highly of her qualifications. Shepard would need her skills, so she was glad of the proof that they were sharp.

Liara would wait, though, so Shepard headed to her first destination - the Eternity Bar in the northeast quadrant. She found her quarry in the corner, sitting a table, slumped over a drink, and watching the asari table dancer entertaining a bachelor party at a nearby table with a nearly bored look on his face. She took the seat opposite him, blocking his sight line.

"What's a kick ass pilot like you doing in a place like this?" Shepard quipped to her old friend, brows raised.

"Not as much as I'd like to," he shot back, trying to see around her.

"Oh please, Joker, that asari would break you," Shepard said, turning to watch the female in question, "I mean, just look at how she can… bend."

"I was trying to," Joker said sounding grumpy. Then he sobered and asked, "Wanna tell me why Hackett had my orders suddenly changed and my CO dropped me here to wait for a ghost?"

"I'm not the one who died," Shepard said sadly.

"Might as well have," Joker replied, "for all anyone's seen of you for two years. Hell, Shepard, I know you were close to Kaidan, but I thought the Alliance was your first love… What happened? Why did you disappear?"

"Things were…" she trailed off, trying to find the right explanation and settled on, "complicated."

He studied her, trying to understand what she wasn't saying, but finally seemed to accept her lack of explanation with a nod.

"Ok, I get that," he went on, "but why am I here now?"

Shepard grinned, appreciating her old friend. It was good to be with people who knew her so well again.

"Would you accept 'it's complicated' on that one, too?" she asked him.

"Not likely," Joker replied, "you only get one pass a day with me."

"Alright, Joker," Shepard nodded, "here goes…"

She proceeded to explain the situation and why she asked him to meet her. Ten minutes later, she had acquired the best pilot in the Alliance – and another trusted friend – for her team.

~x~

Shortly after leaving Joker, she stood in the office of another old and trusted friend, returning Liara's warm hug.

"Liara, it's so good to see you," Shepard said cheerfully, "Ms. Information Broker, huh?"

"It's paid the bills since… the _Normandy_" Liara replied, "although I'm sure you find it hard to imagine I'm the same person as that young Prothean scientist you met years ago."

"I don't know," Shepard laughed, seating herself in one of the chairs facing Liara's desk, "archeologist to information broker – I guess now you're just digging for facts on living people rather than dead."

"When you put it that way…" Liara laughed and sat as well, "What brings you here?"

"I'm looking for information, actually," Shepard told her, "on a Cerberus operative named Miranda Lawson. I need… leverage."

Liara nodded and made a note on her terminal. "It will take me some time, I'll have to tap a few sources, and Cerberus is… tricky." the asari mumbled.

Shepard watched her friend for a moment, quietly studying her. Something wasn't right…

"Liara," Shepard said to get her attention, "you're not going to ask me why?"

"My sources told me you arrived on a ship with a Cerberus logo," Liara was still avoiding her, Shepard could tell.

"And you're not going to ask why Commander Shepard would be on a Cerberus vessel? What's going on, Liara?" Shepard asked sharply.

Shepard watched as Liara hesitated, still refusing to meet her eyes, until she finally looked up, misery apparent in her demeanor.

"Shepard, I know Kaidan is alive," Liara said softly, "and it's my fault."

"Your fault? What do you mean Liara?" Shepard said in alarm.

"I gave his body to Cerberus… I had to. They said they could rebuild him," Liara answered sadly.

Shepard stood. A red haze of anger flooded her vision. She couldn't breathe, couldn't speak. She began to pace in agitation, trying to release some of her tension. There was more here, something that Liara wasn't yet saying, and she knew she needed the information. But first, she needed to calm down. After several deep breaths, she stopped pacing and again faced the desk.

"Why?" she asked, all her anger flowing through just one word.

"Because I had to get him away from the Shadow Broker – he was planning to sell Kaidan's body to the Collectors." Liara replied, some anger of her own coloring her voice, "I couldn't let that happen."

Shepard ignored the statement about the Collectors for now. She figured the bastards were trying to get her, any way possible, and didn't mind using Kaidan to do it. They were going to get their wish, soon. Too bad it wasn't going to have the result they expected. But as for her 'friend'…

"So you turned him over to a terrorist organization instead?" Shepard was shouting now and didn't care, "How is that better? That operative - Miranda Lawson? The one I asked you for information on? She's got a leash – some electronic device – in Kaidan's head, which might kill him. _That's_ what you did by interfering!"

"I did it for you!" Liara protested.

"For me?" Shepard spat angrily, "I understand getting him away from the Collectors – I even thank you for it. But how does giving him to Cerberus, and keeping it a secret for two years, amount to doing it _for me_?"

"I thought you would want to have him back," Liara sighed, "I saw how much pain you were in, after he died. Then you disappeared, and I didn't know if Cerberus would succeed, it just seemed like I would make things worse… I'm sorry." She was crying now.

Shepard nodded. She refused to feel guilt for causing Liara pain, causing her tears. She was too angry to care right now. Sure, on some level, her heart sang with joy that Kaidan was alive, but the mess they were in was too deep and too dangerous, to feel any gratitude to Liara for her part in Kaidan's resurrection. She moved toward the door and turned to face her old friend before she opened it to leave.

"Just get me the information," she said quietly, then opened the door and walked out.

~x~

Shepard was still in a lousy mood when she returned to the _Normandy_ to suit up for her final piece of business on Ilium. She stopped in the CIC and asked Chambers to notify Garrus and Grunt that they were on her squad for the mission to recruit the assassin, and headed to the armory to check her weapons and armor. Kaidan found her there minutes later.

"Shepard," he greeted her, leaning against the door, "you're prepping for a mission?"

She looked up distractedly from her checks and nodded. "Yeah, new dossier, assassin this time," she said with some sarcasm.

"I'll get my gear," Kaidan replied, moving in to the room towards the locker himself.

She reached out and grabbed his arm, stilling his approach, "You're not going. I'm taking Garrus and Grunt."

Kaidan might have accepted it casually. It had been rare for her to leave him aboard the _Normandy_ for ground missions in the past, but it had occasionally happened. True, it was usually only when he was suffering a migraine or the after-effects of one. And Kaidan had always followed her orders, regardless of whether or not he agreed. This time, though, something in her demeanor was different. There was some other reason she was leaving him behind. Something she wasn't saying.

"You're not taking me?" Kaidan asked her, trying to understand.

Shepard stopped checking the mods on the shotgun she was holding and looked at Kaidan. She glanced away, over her shoulder, and called to the man standing behind her, "Mr. Taylor, give us the room, please?"

She waited until Jacob nodded and exited toward the tech labs, and then turned back to Kaidan.

"You're benched," she told him quietly.

"Benched?" he repeated in disbelief, "Why?" He knew he was treading the line of insubordination. It was not an act that he had ever considered before. It went completely against grain for him. But right now, in this moment, he saw Shepard as the woman he loved rejecting him, rather than his commander giving an order. Thankfully, she responded in kind, although it didn't make her answer any easier to hear.

"Because I can't trust you - not now," she told him quietly. Then she turned back to her preparations in dismissal.

Kaidan stood, shocked, staring at her for another full minute before he turned and left the room. He walked slowly, stiffly, his entire body reflecting the pain he felt from her simple quiet words.

She watched him go out of the corner of her eye. She felt every step as a pain of her own. In her heart, she cried quiet tears for him, but she couldn't afford the indulgence now. She took a deep breath and began to put her armor on. She had an assassin to recruit now. She would deal with Kaidan later.


	12. New Friends, Old Lovers

_A/N - A few things before I leave you to it - First, I love Thane, but I don't do love triangles, so don't stress... Second, I know I mushed a bunch of conversations together and misquoted others, but if I try to type out every shipboard convo, etc, this fic will be over a hundred chapters long, so I had to compromise... Third, Shepard and Kaidan are complicated people in my world, and this chapter is gonna explore more of that... so yeah, angst... _

_**Important note:** We're headed into our first adult content (in the next chapter, not this one) and I've decided in the interest of respecting those people who don't prefer to read that type of thing to isolate any smut in this fic into its own chapter so they can skip it. I will keep all plot out of those chapters, and any fluffy scenes will be repeated at the beginning of the next non-smut chapter so those who skipped the hard stuff don't have to miss out... hopefully that makes sense and doesn't annoy anyone :-) _

_As always, all credit for anything ME related goes to Bioware._

_Thanks to everyone for your reviews, for reading, following, favoriting and as always to StoneburntHeart for your beta and support :-)_

* * *

Kaidan found Jack still crouched on a crate below engineering. He approached slowly, studying her, noting that she appeared more agitated than usual. She was still clutching the datapads he had provided her, but now seemed to be muttering to herself as well.

"We do have better accommodations," he greeted her with a sweep of his hands to indicate the cramped surroundings.

"Boyscout," Jack greeted him as if she hadn't heard his approach, "was wondering if you'd have the guts to come back after our last chat." She set the datapads aside and stood, pacing her area. "This place works for me, anyway, it's… quiet."

Hidden, he corrected her silently, but let it pass. Instead he nodded to the datapads, "How's it going? Did you find what you needed?"

She studied the datapads for a moment as if they had spoken, not Kaidan. Then she looked back at him, "I don't know how you got the Cheerleader to give me access – it didn't look like you were on Team Cerberus either when you pulled me off that prison ship – but now I'm not sure I'm glad, whatever you did."

_Cheerleader_? Kaidan repeated in his head. She had a thing for nicknames, he'd give her that. "What do you mean, Jack?" he questioned her.

"The more I dig through this stuff" she responded, pointing to the datapads, "the more I see your Cerberus friends are into some pretty nasty stuff. But it's starting to come together, starting to… It's like I have these bugs, crawling in my head…" she trailed off and began to pace again.

"Something you're remembering?" Kaidan watched her quietly, seeing the pain beneath her swagger, and couldn't help but feel empathy for the troubled child lurking beneath the angry woman. Perhaps if things had gone differently for him - if he hadn't had the love and support of two good parents to help him deal with his pain and guilt after he killed Vyrnnus… It was something he'd never know, but it gave him a unique perspective with Jack.

"I don't know, maybe…" she answered him after some more pacing. "There's a place, a _facility_," she spat the word like it was poison, "I think that's where I was, where they kept me."

"And you want to go there?" he followed her line of thought to the logical conclusion.

She stopped pacing and stood, facing him, her stare was intense, her posture was angry and threatening. "I want to blow it up. Destroy it. Smash it to smithereens."

Kaidan winced at the acid dripping from every word, but he wasn't surprised at what she said. There were times, when he had suffered in dark depression after Vyrnnus, that he might have said something similar about BAaT. As extreme as it seemed, he did understand the need to erase the bad memories – in the most demonstrative way possible. He wasn't sure it would give her the peace she was seeking, but that would be a conclusion she'd only be able to reach on her own. So he kept that to himself and instead he nodded.

"Ok," he told her, "I'll talk to Shepard. Convince her to take you as soon as we can."

"Yeah," Jack replied with a smirk, "I heard your girlfriend is in charge now, how's _that_ going?"

"Not as well as I'd like," he answered truthfully.

"Aw, still stuck in Starboard Obs?" she mocked him, "Don't worry, Boyscout, I'm sure she can't resist you for too long."

He grinned at her teasing, glad to see her anger fade, even at his expense. While he didn't find much about his and Shepard's relationship to smile right now, if it could make things easier with Jack, he'd take it. "Let's hope you're right," he responded to his new friend.

"Don't take my word for it though," Jack grinned back, "I don't know shit about relationships."

Maybe not, Kaidan thought as he walked back up the stairs, but she was learning.

~x~

Shepard knocked softly on the door to Life Support, where she had placed her newest crew member when they had returned to the _Normandy_ earlier. When she heard the quiet reply urging her to enter, she opened the door and approached Thane Krios, still unsure what to expect. The drell had surprised her – he wasn't anything like what she had expected from an assassin, and although she knew she would have come to become better acquainted with him as part of her regular duties, she also had to admit that part of her motivation was personal. She was curious. Fascinated even. She wanted to learn more.

When he motioned her into the seat across the table from him, she took the invitation gladly and sat. She smiled and asked, "Thane, how are your new quarters?"

"Shepard," Thane rumbled in his deep raspy voice, "thank you for coming to check on me. The conditions here are ideal; the air will help alleviate my… condition."

"When we met, you said you were dying?" Shepard inquired, too curious to worry if she was getting too personal too soon.

Thankfully the drell didn't take offense. He nodded and simply said, "Yes. I thought you'd want to know more. You don't have to worry about the rest of the crew. My illness is not communicable, even to other drell. It's called Kepral's Syndrome."

"Is there anything we can do for you?" Shepard inquired in concern, "We have a fully equipped med-bay, and two skilled doctors on board."

"If the finest medical minds in the Hanar Illuminated Primarcy couldn't solve the problem, I doubt your doctors could help," Thane replied with a hint of a grimace, "but thank you for offering."

Shepard nodded, she hadn't expected a different reply, although she planned to check with Mordin and Chakwas later and get their takes. Something Thane had said interested her, though.

"The drell live on the hanar homeworld?" she queried.

"Yes. I know many think the hanar difficult to understand. It's just that they are very formal with those they don't know. We know them quite well. If you ever get close enough to a hanar that they tell you their Soul Name, you would find them quiet warm," was his reply.

"I would think their method of communication would be more of an impediment than their formality," Shepard offered dryly.

"True," he agreed, "Although I have had my eyes treated to more easily understand their bioluminescence. That is their primary form of communication."

That made perfect sense to Shepard, it fell into one of the reasons she was here… You adapt yourself to understand the people closest to you, it's the wise move. Although she knew he was likely to be annoyed, she couldn't help to press her luck with another question. She had always found alien races, and learning about them, fascinating. That had worked in her favor when the crew of the _Normandy_ – at least her ground crew – turned out to be more alien than human.

"When you… pray for the wicked, what does that mean?" Shepard asked softly, then rushed to add, "If I'm not being too personal."

"I don't mind, it's has been some time since I've had a… friend, to sit and talk quietly with," Thane replied softly, "To answer your question, it is an old habit that has fallen out of favor – praying to the ancient gods, Amonkira to find my target, Arashu when I defend another, and Kalahira when I have taken my target. Those old ways are dying… Who needs the wisdom of our ancestors now that there are so many ways to interpret one's place in the universe?"

"We all need a place to ground ourselves, to find meaning," Shepard said softly, thinking that while she didn't believe in any gods, the Alliance had been that for her for so many years. "You don't really seem like an assassin, at least you're not what I expected."

"You've spent too much time fighting thugs who think custom-painted armor makes them professionals," Thane replied with a chuckle, "I've trained with the hanar for this role since I was six years old."

"You've been killing since you were six?" she asked in surprise.

"Of course not, I didn't make my first kill until I was twelve," he scoffed. He continued to explain about the hanar's Compact with the drell, and their symbiotic relationship, and she watched, fascinated, as he slipped into another memory. After he had recounted it, in his strange way, he focused on Shepard again and offered, "My apologies. Drell slip into memories so easily."

She saw that the memory had affected him and she had already taken up so much of his time, so she thanked him and stood to leave. As she walked by him to reach the door, he placed a hand on her arm, and halted her. She turned to him, brow raised inquiringly.

"Siha, it is not just the drell that live in their memories. We simply show it more. I sense great pain in you, but perhaps you should realize that memories can only hurt you if you dwell on them. You have a future ahead of you to make new memories that hurt less," Thane told her quietly.

She studied him for a moment as his words sank in, and she found the wisdom in them. Then she nodded quietly and turned to go.

~x~

Shepard was still thinking about the drell, and his quiet peace, when she heard the knock on her cabin door. She got up from the sitting area and walked over to answer it, and saw Kaidan standing on the other side. She moved back, silently giving him permission to enter, and then walked to her office, where she stood facing him, waiting for him to speak.

He had come here to talk to her about Jack, request her help, explain why he thought it was important if that was necessary. But facing her now, his guilt at their confrontation on Horizon - and his anger and resentment at her dismissal of him before her mission on Illium - pushed Jack aside and he found himself wanting to yell at her, to release all his frustration and anger, almost as much as he wanted to hold her, to beg her forgiveness, to love her. So he stood in a silent standoff with her, separated by very little physical distance but it might as well be a galaxy. When neither of them had flinched, moved, or spoken for what felt like an eternity, Kaidan finally gave in and sighed.

"Shepard," he said quietly, "I think we should talk."

He thought at first she would refuse, turn him away, shut down. For a few seconds, it looked like it would go that way. Then she shocked him completely. She raised her hand in her standard combat signal for silence – a gesture he knew very well, then pushed around him to the bathroom door he blocked. She pressed the button to open the door, then grabbed his arm and pulled him in the small room with her, shutting the door firmly once they were both inside. There was enough room for them to stand facing each other without touching – barely – and she maintained that distance and dropped her hand from his arm. Then she finally spoke.

"Yeah, Kaidan," Shepard said quietly, "I think you're right. We do need to talk."

"In the _head_?" he asked in confusion, still not understanding her reasoning.

Shepard chuckled softly, still keeping her voice pitched low, and answered. "It was the only thing I could think of… I checked with Mordin, this is only private place on the ship that doesn't have electronic surveillance. And I'm damn sure not gonna air our grievances in front of Cerberus. But, sorry for the lack of _charm_ in the setting anyway," she said as she waved her arm to indicate the room – and nearly hit him.

"It's ok, it makes sense now," Kaidan replied with a soft laugh, "good thinking."

"We still need to keep our voices low, which is more of a warning to me than you," she finished wryly.

"Understood." Then he found that he didn't know what to say. Again. She had completely surprised him out of the head of steam that had been building while they had their stare-off. So, he fell back to his original purpose for coming to her cabin. "Look, I came to ask you for a favor. For Jack."

"The psychotic biotic?" Shepard asked, in clarification, and at his nod, she queried, "Why?"

"I helped her get access to Cerberus records, she was looking for information about her past," Kaidan explained, "from what I've been able to piece together, she was held in one of the facilities – maybe even raised there – and experimented on. She wants to go there, see if it triggers any memories." He took a deep breath and continued though he knew the next part was likely to be less persuasive, "and then she wants to destroy it."

Shepard raised her brows and searched his face. Why was this important? What did it have to do with their mission? And why was Kaidan the one asking her, not Jack herself? She took a deep breath and held on to her temper, remembering their need to keep the discussion quiet so EDI couldn't record them through the door.

"Ok, setting aside the blow up the place part for now – why are you asking? Why is this important? Who is she to you?" she said the last on a sneaking suspicion, one that she didn't want to voice, and a rising feeling of jealousy that she didn't like.

Kaidan caught it anyway. He knew her so well, even now, and saw where her brain was leading her. "What, Shepard, no…" he quickly reassured, trying to head her off before she even went down that path, "It's not like that between me and Jack. I just… understand her a bit, I guess. In some ways, she reminds me that I could have been that way, if things had been different, after BAaT, after Vyrnnus…"

"And you think this might help her get closure?" Shepard replied, trying to accept his reassurance, and finding that she still felt the twinge of jealousy. Not in the same way, she believed him on that, but that this other woman was getting his attention, his care. Whether Jack needed or deserved it wasn't the issue, it still stung that he cared for the other woman while he had treated her like an old casual acquaintance.

"Yeah, I think it will help," Kaidan answered, "and we can use her on the team. She'll be a lot more stable once she can set aside her issues."

"By blowing up a Cerberus facility," Shepard muttered bitterly – then realized that blowing up a Cerberus facility didn't annoy her at all, "Fine, send me the information, I'll fit it in to our busy schedule. Was there anything else?" she couldn't keep the bitterness, the resentment from her tone now.

Kaidan searched her face, trying to find the words, trying to settle on a topic, find some way out of the mess they were in. He desperately wanted to touch her, but he was afraid she would reject him, turn him away, and he didn't think he could handle the hurt. Not now. There were so many things they had said already, so many more that had been left unsaid. The hurt and the guilt threatened to swallow him, drown him, and he pushed them aside, ignoring them. The anger, he reached for, that was easier, it left him with fire filling his gut, instead of feeling hollow. So because anger was easier, he lashed out.

"Wanna explain why you benched me?" he challenged her.

Shepard saw the set of his jaw, the flash of his eyes and knew that he was picking a fight. Since she had been stewing in various emotions since they had first been reunited on Horizon, and anger was the most prominent one, she figured she'd give it to him. She took a moment of sanity to turn the shower on full, hopefully the sound of rushing water would hide the voices she was sure were going to be raised any second, then she inched closer to him under the pouring water, just close enough so that their faces were as close as they could be without touching.

"I already gave you my explanation, _soldier_," she said from behind clenched teeth, in her best imitation of her drill instructor, "What part wasn't clear?"

Kaidan stared her straight in the eye as if she were the DI she was imitating and he ignored the water beating down on the both of them. He had realized the instant she reached for the controls the logic behind it, and was just glad that she hadn't kept the water temperature ice cold. In her mood, he wouldn't have been surprised if she had chosen to make them both suffer.

"The part where the woman I love said she didn't trust me, _ma'am_," he mocked her on the last word, deliberately, but he couldn't keep the hurt from his tone. He also couldn't help but be distracted by the view of her face, so close to his, so beautiful – water streaming into her green eyes, red hair plastered to her skull, but still beautiful – and realize that the heat he felt wasn't just from the water pouring over them. She was close, he could almost taste her…

"Love?" she replied in an equally mocking tone, "Didn't sound like _love_ on Horizon…"

She broke off on a moan as he finally gave in, closed the gap and kissed her. It was hot, hard, passionate. Lips and teeth and tongues meshed, fought, danced, warred. They wrapped their arms around each other, each fighting for dominance, for breath, and the kiss went on and on and on until neither could breathe, and they parted – just their lips – and panted.

Kaidan could barely think - most of his blood had left his head already anyway – but her words did penetrate, and they hit him, hard. How could she doubt he loved her? He set aside the logic, ignored the sense, in desperation for the anger. Every damn thing he had done since he'd woken on that Cerberus slab had been for her. She needed to see that - he'd make her understand.

"I love you," he growled, throwing the words at her in contradictory anger, "I have _always_ loved you. I _will_ always love you. And you damn well won't forget that again." With that, he closed his mouth over hers and began to show her.


	13. Passion

_A/N: Alrighty, bring on the smut! If you didn't read my note in the previous chapter (and this isn't really a new chapter, just the continuation of the last), this is your last warning - **this chapter contains adult material, smut, earns the M rating, and is NSFW**... If that's not your thing, last chance to look away and pick it up next chapter :-) _

_Bioware still owns all... sigh_

* * *

This kiss was also a war. This time the war was not just for dominance but for understanding, for reaching, for trying to find each other through all the pain they had endured. They each put all their conflicting emotions – love, guilt, pain, suffering, loss, anger, frustration, hurt – into every touch, every caress as they ate at each other's mouths. They weren't gentle. He bit her lip hard enough to taste blood, she pushed her hands into his hair to hold his mouth to hers and bruised them both. Then she pulled his hair harder. He took the pain and reveled in it, turned it into passion.

Kaidan reached for the collar of her med-bay uniform (her standard on-board gear since it was the only thing that didn't bear a Cerberus logo) and pulled, and was rewarded with the satisfying sound of the fabric tearing. He pulled it apart until she stood topless, in only her simple standard-issue bra. He broke their kiss long enough to push her back so that he could look his fill, then he decided that the bra impeded his view too much and ripped that off as well. Finally, she stood, chest heaving, breasts bared. She was glorious.

Shepard watched him watch her. She saw the predatory look in his eyes as he took in the skin he had just bared. His gaze on her aroused her more than any caress could, she thought. Then he proved her wrong in the next instant as she felt his mouth close over her nipple. She felt the heat of his mouth shoot straight to her core, where she was already hot and ready for him. When she felt the sting of his teeth on her sensitive flesh, it enhanced the pleasure, not diminished. She was ravenous for him, and wanted to get to him, get more of him. She reached for his own shirt, trying to untuck it while he continued to play at her breasts with his mouth.

Kaidan reached down and stilled her hands, pushed them away despite her protest and let go of the nipple he had been sucking just long enough to pull the shirt off over his head and then switched breasts, giving the other its fair due. While he licked, nipped, sucked, he brought his hand up to knead her other breast, working it in his hand. He was rewarded by the feel of her blunt nails sinking into his exposed back, and her moan. He looked up to see her throw her head back, closing her eyes and arching her back. He became fascinated by the water rushing down her bare skin in rivers and moved up to her neck to chase it, using the flat of his tongue to lick it from her heated skin. He moved his hands down to impatiently push at her pants, trying to get them off her. They were tightly clinging to her wet skin, so he ripped those as well, then starting pushing at the tatters.

This time Shepard grabbed his hands, bringing them back to her breasts in silent request, then she took over his work, pushing the wet sodden clinging pieces of fabric over her hips and managing, in a feat only a woman could manage, to wiggle them down her legs and off while maintaining the contact between their two bodies. When he realized she was completely naked before him, he moved his hands down slowly from her breasts, over her stomach, then between her legs and parted her slick heat. His tongue followed the downward action and she moaned again as she felt the dual action of his fingers teasing her center, gentle now, and his tongue on her breast. She brought her hands back to his hair, holding his head to her and she, too, was now gentler.

Kaidan stoked her, teasing her, touching her with just fingertips, not where or how she wanted yet, as he continued to play with her breasts, tease her nipples with his tongue. He pushed her legs apart, widening her stance so he had more room to work and looked down to watch his fingers trace over her slick pink flesh, fascinated by the dual sensation of sight and touch. He felt like it had been ages since they'd last touched, in the way they were born to, and he supposed for her it had been years – he closed his mind down around that thought, refused to let it interrupt, and continued to stare, working at her slowly, still teasing, as she jerked her hips and tried to get him where she wanted – needed him to be.

Shepard could barely stand the pressure mounting, building in her. It had been so long, so much time, so many emotions since he had touched her, made love to her, and she needed him _now_. She needed to remember, for him to remind her. She pulled at him, using all her strength when he stubbornly resisted, and finally brought his face level with hers again. Before she dove in for the kiss she craved, she set all pride, fear, anger aside, looked in his eyes with all her love shining from hers and broke the silence finally.

"Kaidan," and her voice was soft, pleading, hoarse with passion, "please, I need you."

Kaidan found he couldn't resist the appeal in her eyes, in her voice, and he closed his mouth over hers in a kiss that was more gentle than any since they started and slid two fingers into her at the same moment. He pressed his thumb against her clit and began to work her, with fingers and tongue, in the same rhythm, absorbing her moans and cries with his kiss. When he knew she was close, from the motion of her hips against his hand, and the sound of her rapid breathing, he broke the kiss and brought her over the peak, his eyes locked on her face, drinking in the sight of her in her pleasure.

When Shepard could breathe again, move again, she reached for him, kissing him greedily, and then slid her hands down to try to open his pants, fumbling in a rare moment of passion-induced clumsiness. He chuckled into their kiss and moved his hands from her long enough to help, getting his pants and boxers off and down enough for her hands to close over his hard flesh, then returned his fingers to her slick wetness, tracing her delicately, working to build her passion again. They stood there, kissing hungrily, each stroking the other, building the heat until they couldn't breathe for it.

Kaidan pushed her gently back against the wall for support, widened her stance again in a stroke of his hands down the inside of her parted thighs then pushed her hands away and pressed against her. Their height difference wasn't enough to matter, even standing, and his flesh pressed against hers, perfectly where they needed it, but he didn't complete the union yet. Instead he ground against her a bit, teasing her, bringing her up, building her. Just before he knew she would protest, he drew back enough to change the angle and slid into her, deep and hard, in one stroke. She closed around him in tight heat and he closed his eyes and groaned her name against her throat, pausing in that moment of perfect completion, feeling that he was, finally, home.

Shepard held him against her tightly, silently welcoming him back, relishing this feeling she had spent two long years being denied, except in her dreams. She ignored the tears falling down her face, she knew the water from the shower would mask them anyway, and she brought her legs up around his waist, knowing he would catch her, would support her and pushed against him, once again a silent request. He brought his arms down under her thighs in support while she held on to his neck with her arms and he answered her, beginning with shallow, short thrusts, then alternating with long deeper ones.

Kaidan kept his rhythm varied, working her in the ways he had learned in another time, another life, while he alternated between kissing her and watching her face for signals that he should change his thrusts or angle, increase her pleasure. In the back of his mind, he noted the tears, but he shoved it away for now, concentrating on the sensations, on their pleasure. When he saw her eyes close, her lips part, her breathing increase, he upped the tempo. When she came, fisting around him in a hot wet vice a moment later, he closed his own eyes and finally let himself go, giving in to his own orgasm and spilled hot and deep inside her.

Their legs wobbled and they slid to the floor together, half sitting half slouching against the wall, still locked in an awkward embrace. Neither cared as they clung to each other, concentrating on breathing, stroking over wet, sated skin. He recovered first and straightened a bit, sitting with his back against the cold wet well and winced for a moment at the thought of her having endured that against her back the entire time, then set the thought aside. He reached for her to draw her into his lap, his embrace. She resisted - long enough to reach for the controls and shut the water off – then sank onto him, threw her arms around his shoulders, and buried her face in his neck.

They sat there peacefully for a few moments, silent, enjoying the closeness. Then he tilted her chin up gently and kissed her softly. She returned the kiss, then pulled back and met his eyes. Hers were filled with sadness, but also love.

"I love you, too – always have, always will," she said softly finally echoing the words he had said earlier, "but we didn't fix anything," she finished with a sad smile.

"No," he agreed in the same soft tone, "but it's a place to start."

She sighed and nodded, then relaxed back into their embrace, tucking her head back against his neck.

They sat there, silently holding each other, until they couldn't stand the cold any longer. They redressed – he in the clothes in which he had arrived, she in fresh ones from her locker – and he left her in her cabin and returned to Starboard Obs. They still hadn't spoken another word.


	14. Distractions and Trust

_A/N - so glad everyone is sticking with me through this... we're going somewhere, I promise, and it's 100% Shenko ;-) Also, if its not obvious from the context of this chapter, I always play Vanguard, so I always write Shepard as one too. It's what I know best... Bioware owns everything, I just take them out, torture them, and return them with regret._

_I want to take a moment to mention all my reviewers by name again - the author's note for the last chapter was so long I was afraid you'd get lost! So thank you, again, Lyv, Gabe97, InuGuardian1984, traitor marine, Jules Hawk, SilentPony, Letticiae and Abionastar50 for taking time out of your busy lives to give me your feedback. Just so you know, I was planning on taking a break from writing, and therefore posting, today, but the new reviews gave me incentive (just saying!) A special thanks to for your review Gabe97 - you pointed out a huge oversight in this fic that both my beta and I missed originally so I went back (I'm about 9 chapters ahead in actual writing atm) and corrected it... so I dedicate this chapter to you!_

_As always, I cannot thank StoneburntHeart, my dear friend, awesome beta, and fellow ocd fangirl enough for her help and support!_

* * *

_They sat there peacefully for a few moments, silent, enjoying the closeness. Then he tilted her chin up gently and kissed her softly. She returned the kiss, then pulled back and met his eyes. Hers were filled with sadness, but also love. _

"_I love you, too – always have, always will," she said softly finally echoing the words he had said earlier, "but we didn't fix anything," she finished with a sad smile._

"_No," he agreed in the same soft tone, "but it's a place to start."_

_She sighed and nodded, then relaxed back into their embrace, tucking her head back against his neck. _

_They sat there, silently holding each other, until they couldn't stand the cold any longer. They redressed – he in the clothes in which he had arrived, she in fresh ones from her locker – and he left her in her cabin and returned to Starboard Obs. They still hadn't spoken another word._

~x~

Kaidan woke from the dream memory of his last moments with Shepard the night before to the pinging of his omni-tool. He shook off the remnants of sleep and accessed the device and discovered he had a new message from Shepard.

**K, we arrive at Pragia at 1000. You're on deck. Also, you're in charge of ordinance. Be ready.**

Since the message was unexpected, left him with a lot of questions, and left him some leeway as it wasn't as terse as she would typically phrase orders, Kaidan took a chance and typed a reply.

**S, I'm on deck? Thought you didn't trust me? Also, **_**of course**_** you want me to set the bomb. **

Kaidan waited less than a minute before his omni-tool pinged her reply.

**K, I said I **_**couldn't**_** trust you – right now - NOT that I **_**didn't**_** trust you. But this mission should be a simple in-and-out, no bogeys, right? Plus, I'm not wandering around alone with a psychotic. Your idea - you babysit. Ignoring the last part of your message – who else would I ask?**

Ok, what the hell did that mean? Kaidan thought, even as he smirked over her dry humor and pointed reference to his role on Virmire… He checked the time on his omni-tool, and discovered he had enough to shower, collect the psychotic in question, and check his gear before he needed to be in the shuttle. Hopefully he'd be able to question Shepard in person at some point during the mission.

~x~

He was just leaving the showers when his omni-tool pinged another message. He laughed a little at his sudden popularity and opened the 'tool to read it.

**Will all undead crew members please report to the cockpit. ASAP**

Kaidan laughed a bit to see that Joker apparently hadn't changed and headed toward the elevator. When he reached the cockpit, he found his old friend in the pilot's chair as expected. He walked up behind him, placed a hand on Joker's shoulder to get his attention then spoke.

"Really? Undead?" Kaidan said with a smirk, "What am I, a zombie now?"

Joker turned in his chair to face Kaidan and he saw emotions flicker over the pilot's expressive face – shock, pain, guilt – before he quickly masked them behind his typical smirk.

"Kaidan!" Joker mock-exclaimed, "Sorry about the zombie thing… Too much? But last time I heard, you _did_ have a severe case of dead."

"Yeah, I got better," Kaidan sallied back. He knew that Joker hadn't meant to injure – it was just the other man's way – but the comment did hit a little close to home. He shrugged it off though.

"Thanks to tons of Cerberus tech," Joker hissed, "Shepard filled me in on the evil plan."

"Yeah," Kaidan replied, and this time, the hurt showed a bit. "Listen, Joker, sorry I didn't come see you right away. I was…"

"A little busy?" Joker filled in with another smirk. "EDI told me you spent a few hours in the loft. And left with wet clothes. Showering in the captain's cabin, Kaidan?" Joker raised his brows and wagged them, "Just a little tip – we usually take our clothes off to shower."

Kaidan couldn't help the blush that spread over his cheeks at Joker's teasing, and he had no intention of answering the suggestive comment, so he searched for an excuse for a quick exit, "Yeah, I need to-" he started to say before Joker cut him off.

"Kaidan," this time Joker's face and tone were uncharacteristically serious, "Listen, man… I know it was my fault… I should have…"

"Joker," Kaidan said, placing his hand on the pilot's shoulder again, "I didn't blame you then, and I don't now."

Joker smiled at him gratefully and was about to reply before they were interrupted by another voice behind them.

"If you two are done with your couples' therapy," Shepard cut in drily, "Would you mind accompanying me to the shuttle bay, Kaidan? I'm **not** boarding the shuttle with a psychotic without backup." She turned and left the cockpit without waiting for a response.

Kaidan slapped Joker on the back – gently, in consideration of the man's brittle bones – and turned to follow her. "Duty calls," he called over his shoulder to Joker.

"Duty?" Joker shot back, "Is _that_ what you're calling it these days?"

~x~

Three human biotics sat in the shuttle headed to the Teltin facility later that morning. Shepard took a minute to reflect on how 'human' and 'biotic' were where the similarities of this squad ended before Jack interrupted her musings.

"I'd forgotten how much I hated this place," the tattooed woman growled, staring out the shuttle window as they approached. "See the landing pad?" she continued, pointing at their target, "has to be on the roof, or the vegetation would overgrow it in a few hours."

"Shepard," EDI's voice came over their coms, "I am picking up thermal signatures everywhere. Except at your landing zone."

That can't be right, Shepard thought, it's a deserted facility. "Something's distorting the sensors," she offered back to EDI.

"This was a secret Cerberus facility," Kaidan pointed out.

"And they build their equipment to last," Jack appended. "Assholes." She paused for a moment and sighed, "It was a mistake coming back here." She nearly whined the last part.

"Hey," Kaidan said, getting her attention, "It's gonna be ok."

"I'm fine," Jack replied, more to convince herself than them, "ok, let's get on the ground."

~x~

They made their way through the deserted facility as Jack shared her returning memories, her comments bitter and filled with pain. The more the other woman spoke, Shepard began to see the hurt underneath the anger and she felt a twinge of sympathy. Although Shepard didn't have the type of painful experiences Jack – or even Kaidan – had suffered as a result of being biotic, even she had felt the occasional sting of prejudice due to her abilities. True, she had been on an Alliance ship when she was originally 'diagnosed' with biotic tendencies, and under the watchful eye of her mother, who was the ship's XO, but even those facts couldn't shield her from the gawking stares, the avoidance. She couldn't imagine being alone and left to suffer as Jack had. Yet another reason on her growing list of reasons to hate Cerberus.

They approached a security console that was – curiously – already active. The log appeared to be replaying a conversation between two Teltin personnel.

_The Illusive Man requested operation logs again. He's getting suspicious. _

_When we get results, he won't care what we did. But if he knew…_

_He won't find out._

"Strange," Kaidan mused, "Sounds like they went against orders."

"He didn't say _what_ they were hiding from the Illusive Man," Jack shot back bitterly.

"I'm more interested in who turned the damn thing on," Shepard said, cutting them off. She was beginning to feel the hair on the back of her neck stand up. This place was giving her a bad feeling.

"Yeah," Kaidan replied softly, and Shepard saw him checking his pistol, "good point."

"Let's move out," Shepard motioned them forward and they entered the next room.

As they climbed down a ruined, overgrown ramp, Kaidan's urgent voice interrupted Jack's recount of her memories of her escape, "Commander!"

"I see them," Shepard replied coolly. Three red dots had appeared on her HUD. Enemies ahead. She stopped the team at the bottom of the ramp with a raised fist, leaning around cover to try to spot the enemies visually, instead of just virtually.

"Kaidan," Shepard ordered crisply, "you stay back."

"Like hell," he returned sharply.

"Kaidan," she replied, ignoring the fact that he was disobeying an order and appealing to him on a personal, not professional , level, "I can't take the chance that fighting will dislodge that thing in your head, trigger it, maybe kill you…" she trailed off, pleading with him to understand.

Kaidan did understand. And her words made him suddenly realize what she had meant by 'I can't trust you – right now.' She couldn't trust the _leash_ – not him. While he appreciated her concern, he had enough empirical evidence to dispute it, and he opened his mouth to tell her so before Jack interrupted.

"Look, Boyscout fought his way through a prison ship full of mercs to rescue me, and he's still standing," Jack made his case for him impatiently. "So are you two lovebirds gonna fuck or fight?"

There was just a moment of total silence before Kaidan heard Shepard try unsuccessfully to suppress a laugh (whether it was in response to the unexpected nickname or Jack's typically blunt phrasing, he didn't know, but knowing Shepard, he'd guess both) and then she responded, "Fine. Let's move." The instant later she charged ahead in a blur of biotics and inhuman speed at the first red dot on the HUD. With that target dead, she pulled out her shotgun and took on the second – up close and personal.

Kaidan and Jack dispatched the final varren with a combination of pull and warp. Then Jack turned to him and commented dryly, "Where did she learn _that_?"

"Not sure," Kaidan replied shaking his head, "but we used to travel with a krogan…"

"And she calls me psychotic?" Jack scoffed, "Crazy bitch herself."

Kaidan decided keeping his mouth shut was the safest option and they moved up to rejoin Shepard.

~x~

They made their way steadily through the facility and Shepard was both not surprised when they encountered their first group of mercs – it had only confirmed her earlier suspicions, and she thanked her years of combat experience for making her instincts so sharp – and pleased that her fears for Kaidan's safety had proved to be unfounded. He still fought as fiercely as she remembered, and they quickly fell into their old, synchronous habits. She did notice, however, that his biotics were even more impressive than she remembered, and made a mental note to ask him about the change later.

Her sympathies for Jack increased steadily as the picture of what had really happened at the Teltin facility unfolded. Although the events hadn't played out as Jack said she remembered, the actuality was no less brutal or horrific. Shepard found herself wanting to destroy this place, and all remnants of its inhuman past, nearly as much as she knew the young biotic did. She motioned her team forward to the next room, taking point.

They quickly took cover as they realized the room was occupied by a large group of mercs. As they did, they overheard the leader – a krogan – on his com.

"Hey Aresh, it's Kureck. Yeah, the intruders are here. You want them dead, we have to talk creds. You promised us lots of salvage but this place is a waste," he rumbled, then brought his hand up to his ear to listen for a response over the com.

"Fine – we'll put them down," he said in apparent response to the reply, "Then I'm coming in there and we're gonna talk salvage."

"Little cocky, isn't he?" Shepard muttered.

"Why do they always like to talk so much?" Kaidan wondered to her, "You'd think they'd learn – just shut up and fight."

"Yeah, let's not give them any tips though, huh?" Shepard answered him with a grin.

She leaned around the crate that served as her cover, pulled out her assault rifle, and shot a spray of incendiary rounds into the main concentration of mercs. One fell, but most just scattered for cover.

"Flanking positions," she called her orders to Jack and Kaidan, "biotics as you see the opportunity. The big guy is mine. Kaidan, can you do something about his barrier?"

Kaidan threw a warp at Kureck, dropping the krogan's barrier, and moved to follow Shepard's orders. He saw her creep up, using her rifle in between cover to steadily destroy the krogan's armor with fiery rounds. When she saw it was weakened enough, she charged forward, biotics flaring.

Jack and Kaidan worked together to take out the other mercs, often combining their biotics for impressive detonations. When the last fell, they looked over to see Shepard, standing triumphant, dead krogan at her feet. When they approached her, Shepard placed both hands on his shoulders and bumped his helmet with hers – a long standing tradition from the old _Normandy_ days. Then she stepped back and grinned through her visor.

"That was _fun_!" she exclaimed.

"Aw, shit," Jack grumbled. "You two fight like it **is** a fuck." Then she sobered and added, "Come on, my old cell should be the only room left."

"Yeah, can't wait to meet this Aresh guy," Shepard agreed as she approached the door Jack indicated and waited impatiently for Kaidan to hack the lock.

~x~

Shepard stood back and watched as Kaidan followed Jack through her old cell, letting her recount her memories, offering supportive comments along the way and decided that she was grateful that things had worked out the way they had. If she had known the facility was inhabited by mercs, she would have left Kaidan on the _Normandy_, regardless of her reluctance to deal with Jack on her own. But, she realized, the mission might have ended a lot differently. She wasn't sure she would have been able to persuade Jack to put her past behind her and let Aresh go. But Kaidan had stepped in and his quiet words had reached the younger biotic. Shepard still felt some jealous twinges over their growing bond, but she was a lot more secure in her relationship with Kaidan after last night, and she figured the feeling would subside in time. And after what she had seen and heard in Teltin, she didn't begrudge Jack the comfort that Kaidan offered.

When Jack was done with her tour, they walked back to the shuttle in silence and Shepard gave the pilot the go signal. She watched quietly as Jack studied the detonator Kaidan had handed her after he had set the bomb in her cell, silently counting time and judging safe distance. When she knew they were clear, she nodded to Jack and pounded on the door to the hatch to warn the pilot. An instant later, a distant explosion signaled Teltin's destruction. Shepard looked back from the view of the smoke plume out the shuttle window and saw Kaidan studying her. When their eyes met, he gave her a grin and nod. She agreed wholeheartedly with his unspoken message. It _was_ good to work together again.

~x~

Shepard was in her cabin reviewing reports when the knock at her door came. This time she expected it, and so she was not surprised at all when she opened the door and Kaidan stood on the other side. She stepped back and motioned him in.

"Kaidan," she greeted him quietly and led the way to the sitting area of the cabin, "how is Jack?"

"Better," he answered her as he took the seat she indicated and seated herself nearby, turning to face him, "it was tough for her to face all of that, but it was the right choice. She'll be able to put it behind her now. Thank you for helping her."

"I was wrong," Shepard said quietly, "and I might have blown the whole thing. I'm so glad you were there, that you were able to help Jack through it." She lowered her head, stared at a spot on the floor beyond his feet.

"Shepard," Kaidan said softly, reaching out to touch her face, then used gentle fingers under her chin to raise it so she would meet his eyes, "you were acting out of concern – I didn't understand." He sighed, "I guess we've had a lot of misunderstandings lately."

She nodded. That was an understatement. "I didn't try hard enough to make it clear," she said solemnly, "I was too angry."

"Yeah, I own my part of that…" he trailed off, then plunged ahead. "Listen, Horizon was…"

Shepard cut him off with a soft kiss. "It's been a long day. Let's not make it more emotional than it already was." She moved closer, into his arms and he responded, closing them around her, "I know we need to talk but … not now. Now, will you just hold me?"

He nodded although he knew she couldn't see it, and placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head. They sat there, in the silence she had requested, each giving comfort and taking it in return.

~x~

Miranda took a deep breath before she reached for the control panel to start the holo-conference. She was fairly sure that her boss was not going to be happy with her report, and she cringed at the thought of his displeasure. Once she had steeled herself enough, she watched as his holo formed before her and rushed to speak first, hoping to head off the criticism with an apology.

"Sir, I'm sorry about the Teltin facility," she said in a rush.

The Illusive Man studied her in silence for a moment and then he waved the hand holding his lit cigarette in her direction. "Teltin was expendable – it served its purpose long ago," he told her, dismissing her apology, "I'm more concerned about the current _distractions_ on the _Normandy_."

"Sir?" Miranda replied in question.

"EDI informs me that Alenko spent three hours in Shepard's cabin yesterday," he filled in, his voice colored with an emotion Miranda didn't recognize, "And that there are no recordings – visual or audio – of the activities. EDI also informs me that when Alenko left, his clothing was wet. I think we can draw our own conclusions."

"They used the shower to avoid detection," Miranda filled in.

"I'm sure that's not the only way they used the shower," the Illusive Man replied dryly, "Then they rush off to blow up a Cerberus base."

Miranda nodded. "Do you want me to keep them separated, Sir?" she asked for clarification.

"Not necessary," came his reply, "I don't object to their activities, I only object to our goals being delayed. I think it's time they had a reminder of the larger picture." The last he said more to himself than Miranda. "That will be all, Miranda," he said to her now, ending the conference.


	15. Springing the Trap

_A/N - Double post again today for two reasons - first, I hate cliffhangers almost as much as love triangles, and this chapter has one, so you get the next with it... and the second part is too short to be its own chapter, but too different not to be... if that makes sense... Bioware still owns them, even though I beg, plead, whine :-)  
_

_Thanks to everyone reading, following, favoriting! Letticiae and Gabe97, thanks for your reviews, and no apparently I won't be taking a break, I still managed to crank out a chapter yesterday lol~_

_As always, StoneburntHeart deserves my sincere gratitude for her beta, support, and just general awesomeness :-)_

* * *

When Shepard woke the next morning – her internal clock had been honed by an entire life aboard ships to wake her religiously at 0500, galactic standard, without the need for alarms – she was still lying on the couch in her cabin and she noted, covered with a light throw. She was also alone. She sat up, looking for Kaidan, and discovered he wasn't in the cabin. She shook her head and shrugged. They needed to talk, but if he wanted to avoid her for now, she'd give him the space. After all, she had been the one that put the discussion off first.

She showered, dressed quickly, and headed to the mess hall. Once she got her standard biotic caloric intake and some caffeine, she planned to go to the CIC and plot a course to Haestrom. The Illusive Man had sent her a message that her old friend Tali'Zorah was on that planet. She planned to head there and recruit Tali, ASAP. It would feel almost like the original _Normandy_ once Tali was on board.

After a brief stop in the cockpit to check with Joker and a laugh at the bickering between her pilot and his own ship – in the form of EDI of course – she reached the CIC and she stepped up to the galaxy map to put her plan to action. She was interrupted by Yeoman Chambers' chirpy voice.

"Commander," Chambers told her, "the Illusive Man is waiting to speak with you in the com room."

"Well, he can continue waiting," Shepard growled back, "I don't want to speak to him." She entered her access codes for the helm controls and – nothing.

"I apologize, Commander," EDI's cool voice came over the com in explanation, "but my instructions were to prevent navigation until you spoke with the Illusive Man."

"Hope he knows what he's getting himself into," Shepard growled as she threw up her arms in frustration and headed to the com room.

~x~

"Shepard – we caught a break." The Illusive Man was uncharacteristically standing, his holographic image mere shadow in front of the glowing red light of the dying star behind him. He bowled over her tirade, continuing as if she hadn't been speaking. "I intercepted a distress call from a turian patrol. They stumbled on to a Collector ship beyond the Korlus System. The turians were wiped out, but not before they crippled the Collector vessel. I need you to board that ship and get some hard data on the Collectors. Find us a way to get to their homeworld."

Shepard stared at him, watching as he now seated himself, and shoved aside her irritation at his gall as his words sank in. If what he was saying were true, it _was_ a huge break. But some things didn't add up for her.

"Hard to imagine how a turian patrol could take out a Collector ship," she pointed out the first inconsistency she had noticed. She'd never forget how cleanly the Collector ship had sliced through the _Normandy. _It had been like a hot knife through butter. And the _Normandy_ had been designed in cooperation with the turians. How did they fare better?

"Reports indicate the hull's intact, but all systems seem to be offline," the Illusive Man reported casually, gesturing with his lit cigarette, "They could be making repairs as we speak. I'm not saying it won't be dangerous, but we can't let an opportunity like this slip by."

Well that didn't make her feel any better, even if she had to acknowledge the truth in his reply. "If the turians had a patrol out there, why aren't _they_ sending a recon team in?" she questioned, hoping she'd have some backup.

"They will. Eventually. But I intercepted the transmission. In the meantime, we're feeding them false reports. You can be in and out before the turians learn the truth," was his response.

"You know, Illusive Man," she said from behind gritted teeth, desperately trying to cling to the quickly dissipating remnants of her temper, "it doesn't sound like you're really interested in stopping these Collectors. You throw roadblocks up any time there's a chance of outside help."

"You are the person best qualified to investigate the situation," the Illusive Man remained calm, stating his case from behind plumes of smoke, "I'm simply giving you time to do so without outside interference. Working with Cerberus gives you the chance to do what you do best without the weight of bureaucracy or politics impeding you. Perhaps you would have reached Saren sooner without the Council blocking your efforts at every turn?"

Since that echoed her own thoughts – although more bluntly than she had ever dared to phrase them, even to herself - Shepard simply nodded and accepted. "Are you sure this information is good?" she asked.

"Information is my weapon, Shepard," the Illusive Man stated firmly, "it's good."

"Send me the coordinates, and I'll take care of it," she answered, fully believing only his last statement.

~x~

Shepard went to Starboard Observation after she had entered the coordinates to the Collector Ship. She knew they didn't have time for a talk, but she still wanted to deliver the message personally, rather than by omni-tool. And, she admitted to herself, she wanted to see Kaidan. For entirely non-mission related reasons. She knocked sharply on the door and entered after she heard his reply. He was reclining on a lounge in the far corner, reading a datapad, and she walked over and leaned against the nearby couch before she spoke.

"Hey, Kaidan, you left without waking me," she greeted him softly.

He looked up, gave her a small warm but sheepish smile, and replied, "Yeah, I didn't have the heart."

"Thanks," she said chuckling, more at his expression than his words, "but next time – _wake me_." She put a world of meaning in the last two words, her voice lowered by octaves.

"Noted," he replied with a full-out grin and nod. He had read her unspoken meaning loud and clear.

"Listen, Kaidan," she said sobering, "I came to let you know… I was wrong before, like I said, and Pragia taught me that. We're headed to investigate a disabled Collector ship – long story, I'll go over everything in the mission brief before we intercept – but I came to ask you to be on the squad. Fighting with you again, it reminded me what a good team we are. I can't afford to let personal issues interfere with that. Can you trust me?"

"I never stopped," he told her quietly, in the same serious tone she used, "let's get these bastards together."

She nodded, grateful. "We'll meet in the conference room at 1400."

~x~

They approached the 'dead' Collector ship the next afternoon. As Shepard stood in the cockpit studying the massive hulk out the viewport, while EDI and Joker provided sensor readings as they were available, she couldn't help but feel a sense of satisfaction. A ship like this had once nearly destroyed her – had killed the one person she had ever loved – and seeing this one now, passive and disabled, no matter how ominous, was a rewarding sight. She sighed.

She was tired – she had spent a nearly sleepless night reviewing information on the _Normandy_ attack, studying Cerberus briefings (though Kaidan had warned her how useful those tended to be), and debating her choices for the final member of her squad. Although she was originally tempted to tap Garrus (they hadn't had a chance to work together since she had rejoined the _Normandy_, and she remembered fondly what a great team Garrus, Kaidan, and she had always made) and considered Jack (she had been impressed with the combination of biotic power Kaidan and Jack had shown on Pragia) she had finally settled on Mordin Solus instead. She needed not only the salarian's skills in combat, but the input he could provide from a scientific standpoint. What better way for him to do his research than first hand?

She left the cockpit and headed for the shuttle bay. She was ready, prepared. At least mentally. And she'd rely on adrenaline to cut through her fatigue if her gut was right about the warnings it was whispering.

~x~

When the shuttle deposited them inside the Collector ship, Shepard couldn't prevent a shudder. The thing was creepy. Although signs of alien technology were present, they only made themselves known by glints through organic skins. The whole effect was dark. She could hear the sounds of the ship settling around them, and they were foreign, even to the ears of a person raised on ships. Her gut wasn't just hinting at trouble now, it was shouting.

"Nice décor," Kaidan commented drily over the com. "I love what they've done with the place." Obviously he wasn't thrilled with the atmosphere either.

"Somewhat resembles an insect hive," Mordin piped in helpfully.

"Well, that makes sense," Kaidan offered in return, "bug people – bug ship."

Their chatter calmed and centered Shepard and she moved forward towards the access node EDI informed them was ahead. Get the information; get the hell out she thought to herself.

As they progressed, occasionally dodging the slime that dropped from the organic structures on the ceiling above, Shepard added disgusting to her list of adjectives to describe the ship. Creepy and disgusting. Not her idea of a fun place. She dodged another drip and EDI broke over the coms again.

"Shepard, I have compared the ship's EM signature with that of known Collector profiles. It is the vessel that attacked Horizon," the AI reported.

"Of course it is," she shot back sarcastically. She wondered if she would ever be done with Horizon, and spared a glance back at Kaidan, "Maybe the defense towers softened it for the turians?" she posited when he met her eyes.

"And maybe the colonists are still on board – if they're still alive," Kaidan nodded.

She approached a gruesome looking shape on the ground ahead. It was vaguely coffin shaped. Mordin stepped next to her, omni-tool engaged.

"Same containers as on Horizon. Only empty," he reported after a moment.

Shepard shook off the horror of being trapped in one of those things, and ignored her brain's unhelpful reminder that she had nearly suffered that fate herself. She moved on.

The next corridor didn't do much to reduce her horror. She found a pile of decaying corpses that looked half-melted, half-shredded, discarded in the corner. Clearly these people had not died naturally. Or easily.

"Horrible. Despicable." Mordin commented as her bile rose.

"Why would the Collectors leave these bodies lying around?" Kaidan wondered aloud, his own disgust evident in his voice.

"Test subjects from control group. Discarded after experiment was over. This was wrong. Inhumane. Even if Collectors needed to kill for experiments could have ended lives painlessly." Mordin answered, his normally cheerful tone somber.

"A fate worse than death. Being the subject of evil alien's experiments." Shepard replied, softly. "Let's go," she told the team, moving them forward, "If they left anyone alive, we need to find them ASAP."

They reached a control panel in the next corridor and Kaidan established an uplink between it and the _Normandy_. They listened grimly as EDI shared her findings that the Prothean civilization had not died out, but rather had been genetically converted into the Collectors and subsequently turned into slaves by the Reapers. The full horror of that information and what she had seen already washed over Shepard in force. It left her with an icy determination to defeat this enemy, despite any influence or interference from Cerberus. When she had joined the _Normandy SR2_, her primary motive had been protect Kaidan. Now she had a dual mission. Stop the Collectors – and their Reaper masters – and keep Kaidan alive and safe while doing it.

~x~

When the trap sprang, it surprised no one. They had all heard Joker and EDI report that they were now crawling through the bowels of the very ship that had destroyed the _Normandy_ two years ago. That coincidence was one too many for anyone on the squad, and Shepard in particular had given in to her gut finally, which was by then screaming bloody murder. She hadn't needed Joker's warning to watch her back.

When the platform they were hostages on finally came to a stop across from an identical one filled with enemies, they quickly took cover behind the enclosures. Shepard considered the battlefield carefully and realized she was at a disadvantage. Her charges would be impeded by the layout of the platforms, even if she was willing to risk ending up on the enemy's platform after one. She'd have to stick to her assault rifle, modded with incendiary ammo, and rely on Kaidan's biotics and Mordin's tech powers for the heavy lifting.

"Kaidan I can't charge, give me some mojo," she summarized in her thoughts, "and Mordin, incinerate that Scion before it gets close enough to fry us instead."

She heard their acknowledgements and watched as they set her plan in motion. Then she dodged in and out of cover to provide supportive fire.

The first few Collectors went down fairly quickly, but then Shepard noticed a change. A deep resonating voice called to her over the battlefield.

"_You cannot stop us, Shepard. You escaped us before but not again."_

"Not this asshole again," she heard Kaidan mutter as he threw a warp to take down the speaker's barrier.

"Friend of yours?" Shepard asked sarcastically.

"Heh," Kaidan answered and she saw his grin through his visor, "with friends like those…"

"Yeah, good point," Shepard muttered, aiming her assault rifle at the enemy to stop his constant taunts. A moment later, he was back, having possessed a new form.

"_You cannot kill me, Shepard. I always survive."_

"Does he ever **shut up**?" Shepard asked with a growl, and aimed at the new target once Kaidan had removed the barrier.

"That's what I said," Kaidan answered her, pushing his biotics to the max to take the targets out as quickly as possible.

Shepard noticed his strain and called over the coms to the _Normandy_ AI, "EDI get us out of here."

"84%. I am simultaneously fighting Collector firewalls in over 8,000 nodes. I am tasked to capacity," was the reply.

Well, _shit_. Shepard sighed and brought her rifle up as another wave flew in and the taunts continued.

"_You cannot sustain your attack. This delay is pointless."_

Barrier dropped. Gut full of fiery ammo. Lather, rinse, repeat. And so they continued, creeping forward, slowly advancing on each platform they forced the enemy to vacate.

"Shepard, you must manually reestablish my link to the command console," EDI's update finally came.

They made their way back to the original platform and linked the console back to the _Normandy_ as requested. EDI informed them that she had found data that would allow them to navigate the Omega-4 Relay to the Collector homeworld, so Shepard felt a little better about the mission. Then, EDI ruined her lightened mood with her next information.

"I have also found the turian distress call that served as a lure for this trap. It is unusual." The AI sounded almost puzzled, if that were possible.

"Unusual how?" Shepard inquired, her gut yelling again.

"It is unusual because turian emergency channels have secondary encryption. It is corrupted in the message. It is not possible that the Illusive Man would believe the distress call was genuine. He wrote the Cerberus detection protocols I used to detect the anomaly," EDI explained.

"That son of bitch set us up," Shepard growled, vibrating in anger.

"Behavior within norms for Cerberus. Not unexpected." Mordin observed.

"Shepard," she looked over and saw Kaidan approach, probably intending to calm her, at least till they got back to the _Normandy_.

Joker's voice broke over the com before Kaidan could reach her, "Commander, we've got another problem. The Collector ship is powering up. You need to get out of there before their weapons come online, I'm not losing another _Normandy_!" he said the last with particular emphasis and Shepard whole-heartedly agreed with him.

"Come on, let's move," she called to her team, heading in the direction of the extraction coordinates EDI provided.

~x~

They progressed steadily, following EDI's verbal navigation, only stopping to dispatch the Collectors, husks, and Scions that impeded them, all while enduring Harbinger's increased taunts. They came to a large open area. The door they entered was at the top of a long ramp, and the door EDI had helpfully indicated was the egress, at the bottom.

Kaidan heard Shepard growl, "You mean the one full of husks?" in reply to EDI's remark and saw her biotic charge forward into the group of husks. At the same time, he watched in horror as a new enemy joined the fray.

"Shepard!" he warned frantically over the coms, hoping she'd hear him in the middle of the melee and battle rage. He recognized the hopping bug-like thing from Horizon and knew how deadly it could be. He started making his way toward her, spraying bullets from his assault rifle towards the thing and flinging his biotics when he had to pause to reload.

"I see it," Kaidan heard her reply to his warning and saw her duck for the nearest cover, bringing her rifle up a moment later to begin firing at it. His momentary relief dissipated when he watched in horror as the thing seemed to track her, flushing her from cover, and smashed to the ground in front of her with a stunning hit. His HUD indicated that her shields were low, and he upped his efforts to get to her, desperate to protect her, to get the thing off her. He continued tracking her, almost as if the few seconds it took to reach her stretched out to hours in slow motion, as she ducked from cover to cover, trying to avoid the enemy, returning fire where she could, until it gradually cornered her. Right before Kaidan reached Shepard, he saw her roll out of cover, desperately trying to avoid being pinned, and the thing pounced. It slammed down, hard, right next to her and she collapsed and didn't move.

Kaidan roared her name, rushed forward, and dragged her still form back behind cover. He ignored the information his HUD display offered him about her shields (0%) and her injuries (shock, concussion, unconscious, fractured ribs and skull) and instead concentrated fiercely on eliminating the threat. He and Mordin worked together to take out the bug and the remaining husks. When the room was clear, he threw Shepard's still form over his shoulder in a fireman's carry and rushed to the new exit EDI opened. They hurried through the door, frantic to get back to the _Normandy_. ASAP.


	16. Confronting the Truth

_A/N - This chapter fixes another of my ME2 pet peeves (TIM conversation is different here as a result)... and I hope you enjoy alpha-protective Kaidan (he frequently makes an appearance in my fics) Bioware owns all~  
_

_Not gonna apologize for the length cause of the double-post!_

* * *

"Lieutenant Alenko," the Illusive Man drawled as his holo scanned in, "I was expecting Commander Shepard to take my call."

"I'm sure you've been told she's a little _indisposed_, you bastard," Kaidan growled in return. He would have refused the conference completely if he hadn't wanted to give the asshole a piece of his mind so badly.

"Ah, yes, EDI told me she was injured during the attack. Unfortunate," the Illusive Man answered almost reflectively, "I trust she'll recover quickly."

Kaidan took a deep breath and shut the horrified memories of watching Shepard fall, running with her over his shoulder in a panic, and fighting his way through waves of fresh enemies like a madman while trying to protect her from his mind. It would be a scene that he knew would replay in his nightmares for a long time. Despite the insincerity of the Illusive Man's inquiry, he answered it, with venom in his voice.

"She's in the med-bay with Dr. Chakwas," Kaidan bit out. "I haven't been given an update yet."

"Ah," the Illusive Man replied in dismissal of the topic, "but EDI did manage to extract some interesting data before the Collector ship came back online."

"You mean the Collector ship that wasn't really disabled?" Kaidan shot back, "or should I say the trap you sent us into? EDI told us you knew it was a trap. You betrayed us. Not that it surprised me. And you nearly killed Shepard doing it, you asshole."

"Yes, and I do regret that Shepard was injured. Losing her would have been a serious setback," the Illusive Man remained calm, unaffected. "But we're at war, Kaidan. The Collectors are taking humans and every minute we waste is one more that we give the enemy to prepare. Without the information from that ship, we don't reach the Collector homeworld. And you and every other human may as well be dead." He paused to stub out his cigarette then leaned back in his chair, "It was a trap, but I knew Shepard could handle it. And I needed the Collectors to believe they had the upper hand. Letting you know it was a trap would have tipped them off."

"You son of a bitch," Kaidan growled, his voice pitched low in barely restrained anger, "One of these days, someone is going to put a bullet in your brain. I hope to God it's me, but if it isn't, I'm going to shake the hand of the person who gets to you."

"I realize you're emotional right now," the Illusive Man replied, "but hopefully you'll be able to see reason eventually. Someone had to make the choice, and the results support my decision. It was a tough call, but the right one. We now know that the Reapers and Collector ships use an advanced Identify Friend/Foe system that the relays recognize. All we need to do is get our hands on one of those IFFs."

"Would have been handy to know that while we were **on** a Collector ship," Kaidan gritted from behind clenched teeth.

"Yes, well, EDI just confirmed it," the Illusive Man drawled, then lit another cigarette, "besides I doubt you'd have time to extract it during your heroic rescue."

"So now what?" Kaidan asked, resigned. Conversations with this bastard always gave him a headache, and left him with the desire for a shower.

"Now, you and Shepard finish building your team and ensure that they don't have any unfinished business," the Illusive Man replied thoughtfully, "you and I both know that even with the IFF, the trip through the Omega-4 relay is likely to be one way. In the meantime, I'll get teams on researching a source for the IFF. I'll let you know when they find something."

"Fine,"Kaidan replied shortly, "I need to get to the med-bay."

~x~

When Shepard woke, it was cool blue eyes looking into her own with concern rather than the warm brown she would have expected. She panicked for a moment until Dr. Chakwas pressed her shoulder gently back on the med-bay bed.

"Relax, Commander," the doctor said in her calm voice, "Kaidan had some business with the Illusive Man, he'll return shortly."

Shepard nodded and followed the directive. She was glad that the doctor had accurately read the source of her panic. "What's the damage, Dr. Chakwas?" she asked wryly.

"No more than your usual," Chakwas shot back with some humor, "You'll have quite a bit of pain, mostly in your ribs, for the next few days, and I'm keeping you overnight to help manage that. After I release you, you'll still need to take it easy for a day or so, but there's no permanent damage." Shepard saw the doctor hesitate, as if picking her next words carefully, then she straightened in resolve and continued, "Commander, I'm not one to pry, but I had to run full body scans when the Lieutenant brought you in here, and they showed-"

"Doctor Chakwas, not here," Shepard rushed to interrupt her before her secret could be revealed to Cerberus' prying eyes and ears.

"Don't worry, Shepard," once again Chakwas guessed the source of her anxiety, "I had Mordin create a countermeasure for the surveillance the instant I took over this med-bay. No one will overhear us. I take it my scans were accurate?" At Shepard's small nod, she continued, "And I take it that was the reason you made all of us worry when you disappeared for two years?"

Shepard winced a bit although the doctor's tone had been mild and curious rather than critical. "I'm sorry," she said softly, "but you have to understand…"

"Oh, I do," Chakwas said with a smile, "I suppose belated congratulations are in order? For both of you?"

"Kaidan…" Shepard trailed off, then took a deep breath and continued, "Kaidan doesn't know."

"You haven't told him?" now Chakwas' tone held criticism. "Commander, I can understand you wanting to keep your child a secret from Cerberus – and the rest of the world, for that matter - but from its own father?"

"I can't possibly tell Kaidan while we're both neck deep in Cerberus' clutches, now can I?" Shepard said, "Especially not while Kaidan has a kill-switch in his head that they're using to yank me around. "

Chakwas sat back in shock - that information was new. "They certainly are… ruthless," she said quietly, "Shepard, I know I've pried enough, and I suspect Kaidan will join us any moment, but I do advise you to not keep this from him for too much longer. Keeping secrets like that can drive a wedge between people, no matter how much they love each other."

"Thank you, Doctor," Shepard replied quietly, meaning both for the advice and the unspoken promise to keep her secret. She certainly planned to take it. When she could be sure it was safe. She closed her eyes and fell back into healing sleep.

~x~

This time when Shepard opened her eyes, it was to familiar warm brown ones, set in a face creased with worry. She opened her mouth to greet him but since her ribs and head decided to make the pain Dr. Chakwas had warned her about a reality at the same moment, all that escaped her lips was a soft groan. He heard her anyway and she felt his warm hand touch her forehead a moment later.

"Hey there," Kaidan greeted her softly, "Pain?" he questioned in response to her groan.

"Yeah," she answered, then cleared her throat when she realized it was hoarse."Didn't hurt this bad the first time I woke up. And you weren't here." She almost whined the last part, and winced when she heard herself.

Kaidan chuckled softly, willing to indulge her. "I'm sure the good stuff has worn off, you were asleep for about four hours," he said in response to her first complaint, "and I had to see a bastard about a trap. Still, I _am_ sorry I wasn't here when you woke up."

Shepard sighed, and followed him with her eyes as he moved around the room, rummaging in drawers and cabinets. "I wish I had been there to see that conversation. And join in." she told him regretfully, "What are you looking for?"

Kaidan returned to her side, waving a syringe triumphantly. "Getting you the good stuff," he told her as he injected the contents of the syringe quickly and expertly. "Should hit you pretty quickly."

"Thanks," she said with some relief, "So what did the bastard have to say for himself?"

Kaidan took his place on the side of her bed again and reached out to stroke her hair back from her face. "We can talk about that later," he said softly, "you should try to rest now."

Shepard accepted his dismissal – he was right, they could deal with business later, when she wasn't feeling so crappy. But she reached up to take his hand in hers and met his eyes.

"Kaidan," she began softly, "thank you for saving me."

"You scared the shit out of me, Shepard," he replied softly, and placed a soft kiss on her lips, "I couldn't stand to lose you." The instant he said the words, he realized his mistake, and watched the dark cloud roll over her face in confirmation before she turned away from him.

"Tell me about it," she muttered sadly, and he heard the unshed tears in her voice.

"Hey," he said softly, turning her head back to face him gently. "Bad choice of words, I'm sorry. And I think there's a few other things I need to say." At her quiet nod, he continued, "Shepard, I love you. I've always loved you - you were my first thought when I woke up. On Horizon, I know I acted like an ass. I was trying to push you away, trying to protect you… A plan that failed miserably, thanks to Miranda. But I never meant to hurt you."

"I know," Shepard replied softly, "I think I always did, deep inside. And I love you, too. I'm so glad to have you back."

"So let's just make a deal," Kaidan said with a bit of grin, "No one dies – or nearly dies – anymore. Plan?"

Shepard laughed softly, glad that the drugs were starting to work and it didn't cause her (much) pain. "Sounds good," she said, before she slipped off to sleep.

He sat there, quietly watching her, until Dr. Chakwas chased him out.

~x~

They spent the days of Shepard's recovery together, usually in Starboard Obs. They talked, they cuddled, and they even spent time reading various research and reports together. But at the end of every day, she left alone, went to her own quarters, and slept in her own bed. She knew she was being courted, in the most old-fashioned and sweet sense. In another time, another life, she might have been impatient. Especially since she'd already had the payoff, so to speak, and knew how good it was. Instead, she was touched. She found it sweet. And she was falling in love with Kaidan, all over again.


	17. Team Original Normandy

_A/N - So we finally know the reason for Shepard's absence and I'm glad that I surprised some of you, although I know others guessed :-) You'll notice that things with Shenko are rather fluffy now, but don't get used to it! Fair warning... On another note, I sincerely love this chapter, it was fun to write, and I hope you enjoy it too! All things within are property of Bioware, and I claim none~_

_Thanks to all for sticking with me through this journey, its so rewarding to see that hit counter rising! Gabe97 and Lyv, you're both so awesome for continuing to provide your feedback... Lyv, trust me, I will answer all your questions - in due time *evil grin*_

_StoneburntHeart, my friend and beta, is likely tired of me blah blah blah'ing about her, but the words remain true! Thank you so much!_

* * *

Shepard gave in to the temptation she had resisted before the Collector ship and chose Kaidan and Garrus to be in her squad. The idea of having her old team back together and the memories of all the good times they had bumping over hostile terrain in the Mako while the two of them teased her about 'women drivers' – a concept foreign to the turian at first, but he had caught on quickly – put a nostalgic grin on her face as the shuttle approached Haestrom. She was still grinning when they landed, despite EDI's warnings about geth activity and environmental hazards. Then she moved down the ramp and into the sun.

_Shit! That was a motherfucker_ was her initial painful reaction.

Garrus was a little less… colorful as he called, "Having serious issues with my shields," in a dry tone.

"You and me both," Kaidan gritted back, running for the nearest patch of shade, "they don't put that in the vacation brochures."

She couldn't help it. She had missed their camaraderie so much. She grinned again, despite the searing sun.

"Commander, you think getting our asses fried is funny?" Kaidan asked with his own smile when he saw her expression.

"No, but at least there's no Mako here," she bantered back.

"Thank the Spirits for small favors," Garrus muttered, "but let's get Tali and get out fast anyway."

"Agreed," Shepard called back and moved the team forward.

~x~

Despite the fact that the sun's damage seriously messed with Shepard's fighting style – sure she could ignore its blistering effects in the heat of a charge, but the next instant, she was exposed and had to quickly duck for cover – the member of the squad that suffered most when the geth drop ship disgorged its unwelcome contents on them was Garrus. Most of the high ground – ideal sniper territory - in the courtyard was exposed to the blistering rays of Haestrom's sun. Garrus was forced to fight from the shade and in closer quarters than what he was accustomed. Still, ammo and weapon mods and Garrus' and Kaidan's tech powers dropped the synthetics in fairly quick fashion.

Once they were clear of the geth, they made their way through a series of tunnels and came to a quarian corpse. Its radio was still active and urgent calls came across it.

_Break-break-break. OP-1, this is Squad Leader Kal'Reegar, do you copy? The geth sent a drop ship towards OP-2 . Tali'Zorah's secure, but we need backup. We're bunkered up here, can you send support?_

Shepard motioned to Kaidan and he nodded, understanding her signal. He crouched over the radio for a moment, omni-tool active, and then he stood again. "You're patched in, Commander," he told her.

"This is Commander Shepard of the _Normandy_, can we provide assistance?" she called through the com link Kaidan had established.

Shepard listened as Kal'Reegar updated her on the quarian mission and their current situation, questioning him intermittently about Tali's safety and position. She had just completed the transmission, planning to strategize with her team based on the new information, when the second drop ship attacked. This time the geth didn't bother with ground troops, instead they fired on the support columns of the structure around them, effectively sealing off their path to Tali.

"Great," Shepard growled to Garrus and Kaidan, "wouldn't it be nice if just _once_ these things went as planned?" she asked rhetorically.

"Yeah," Kaidan replied anyway, "but then it wouldn't be a Cerberus mission."

Since that about summed things up perfectly, Shepard just nodded, and accessed the channel to Kal'Reegar again. "I don't suppose you have any tricks to deal with the tons of debris blocking our access to the door?" she asked the quarian marine.

"As a matter of fact, ma'am," came the terse reply, "we set some demo charges near your position. If you can find them, you can repurpose them." That he didn't question her need was a further indication that he was career military.

"That'll work," Shepard replied and closed the link. She motioned the team out and they began their search.

~x~

Once they had located both charges - fighting their way through new waves of geth to do so - Kaidan quickly set them and gave them access to the inner ruins. While he did it, he grumbled a bit about always having to set the bomb, and it momentarily brought the grin back to Shepard's face. The grin faded when they were once again forced to dispatch geth resistance. They finally reached a com console and spoke with Tali directly. The quarian's safety assured – at least for now - they progressed forward to lift the security lockdown. Once Shepard accessed the control panel and the shutters ahead of them lifted, they immediately saw the issue – a massive geth colossus and its various geth buddies had Kal'Reegar pinned down outside Tali's location. And it appeared that the quarian marine was injured. They found him slumped against a wall across the courtyard from the colossus.

"Squad Leader Kal'Reegar, Migrant Fleet Marines. I was the one on the radio, ma'am," the quarian introduced himself. "Still got no idea why you're here, but this ain't the time to be picky."

Shepard smiled, despite the gravity of the situation. Quarian or human, marines were marines. And it was nice to see another jarhead. "What's your sit rep, Reegar?" she questioned in between returning fire from the geth forces.

"Tali's inside over there," he replied, also returning fire and waving his hand to indicate a door on the far side – right behind the colossus, "The geth killed the rest of my squad, and they're trying to get to her. Best I've been able to do is draw their attention. But Tali'Zorah is safe, for now. The observatory is reinforced. Even the geth will need time to get through. And it's hard to hack a door when someone's firing rockets in your face." On the last words, he leaned over cover and gave a demonstration, shooting his heavy weapon directly at the colossus. The beast fired back and Kal'Reegar ducked back into cover just in time.

"The geth are near platoon strength," he continued once the ringing from the colossus' rocket faded and hearing was possible, "but the colossus is the worst part. It's got a repair protocol. Huddles up and fixes itself. I can't get a clear shot when it's down like that. I tried to move in closer and one of the bastards punched a shot clean through my suit."

Shepard nodded to Kaidan and he huddled closer under cover to confirm Reegar's reports on the colossus. After a moment he reported, "He's right. Once its shields fall to 50%, it goes into repair mode. Nothing we can do to it from this range."

She turned back to Reegar and asked, "How bad is your suit damage?"

"Combat seals clamped down to isolate contamination, and I'm swimming in antibiotics," he answered. "The geth might get me, but I'm not going to die from an infection in the middle of a battle. That's just insulting."

Shepard really liked this marine and his typically jarhead attitude. She picked his brain for strategy on the battlefield layout and dealing with the colossus and nodded as his information confirmed what her sharp eyes and combat experience had already told her.

"Ok, got it," she said when he'd finished, "Any brilliant plans?" The question was rhetorical, but he answered her as if she were serious.

"Just one. I'm not moving so well, but I can still pull a trigger, and I've got a rocket launcher that the sun hasn't fried yet," he shot back grimly. "If you move in close, I'll keep the colossus busy, maybe even drop its shields. With luck, you can finish it off."

Crazy jarhead she thought to herself, and placed her hand on his arm to draw him back into cover. "You've done enough, soldier," she said, in her best Commander Shepard tone, "You don't need to throw your life away." She was surprised when he shook his head at her.

"Wasn't asking your permission, ma'am," Reegar said, apparently not aware of the contradiction between his words and form of address, "My job is to keep Tali safe. This is our best shot."

Kaidan raised his brows in surprise when he heard Reegar actually stand up to Commander Shepard. That didn't happen every day. Especially not when she was all Commander. Still, while he appreciated the man's balls, Shepard was right. He reached over and placed a hand on the other soldier's arm to get his attention. When Reegar looked at him, Kaidan spoke quietly, but firmly. "Look, we don't have enough people on our side for you to take one for the team. The Commander's right. Stand down."

Reegar relented enough to duck back into safe cover, but he still resisted. "I'm not gonna hide here while you run into enemy fire! They killed my whole squad!"

Shepard softened – a bit – because she understood what it was like to watch people you fought beside die. Sometimes surviving was worse than dying, especially if you were the one left behind with the memories and guilt. Still, she wasn't about to let Reegar sacrifice himself. When she spoke, it was quietly, but a world of experience and pain colored her tone.

"Then honor your squad and live. Cover our backs. We'll need you here in case they bring in reinforcements." They were the words of one soldier – one marine – to another, and she knew they'd penetrate. She watched with relief as he sighed.

"Alright, we'll do it your way," he said in resignation, but then he rallied again and added, "Hit them for me. Keelah se'lai."

"Keelah se'lai," Shepard returned his words softly, and then turned back to her team. She saw that Kaidan had watched her carefully through the whole exchange and when their eyes met through their visors they held for a minute in silent communication. He understood all she had said to Reegar, and knew that she hadn't been speaking just for the marine, but for herself as well. She nodded in acknowledgement of his support, and then she turned her thoughts back to the business at hand.

"Ok, guys, this is a killing field no matter how you slice it," she said grimly, "but I think our best chance is to the right - over the high ground - then flank that beast and take it out. Hopefully once we can get in close, you guys can get its shields down long enough for me to finish it off." She pointed to the Collector beam weapon that Kaidan had salvaged on Horizon. She had armed herself with it for this mission, though heavy weapons weren't her usual fare. After nearly dying on the Collector ship, she wasn't taking any chances. BFG was the way to go.

"High ground will give me the best line of sight to deal with the geth below," Garrus mused, following her strategy, "but there's no cover from the sun up there."

"Then I guess you better not miss," Shepard teased with a grin.

"Oh, don't worry, Shepard," Garrus quipped back, humor in his tone, "I never miss."

"Last time you said that, you took a rocket to the face," Kaidan pointed out drily.

"Ouch, Alenko," the turian bantered, "way to hit someone where it hurts."

"Trust me, Garrus," Shepard stepped in to end the bickering, mock serious, "it hurts us more – we're the ones that have to look at you." Then she grinned and straightened, "Ok, since I didn't hear objections or alternatives, let's move out."

~x~

One intense and pitched battle and one dead colossus later, Shepard approached Tali'Zorah where she was working at the panel, trying to complete her data download. When she placed her hand on Tali's shoulder, the quarian turned from her console and spoke.

"Thank you, Shepard," she said softly, sincerely, "if not for you, I would have never made it out of this room." Then she looked beyond Shepard and noticed the rest of the squad, "And Garrus, and hello again, Kaidan." They nodded their greetings back to her and she continued, "This whole mission has been a disaster. I wished I had joined you on Freedom's Progress, Kaidan, but I couldn't let anyone take my place on something this risky."

"A lot of quarians lost their lives here," Kaidan said quietly, "was it worth it?"

"I don't know," Tali replied, dropping her gaze, "it wasn't my call. The Admiralty Board believed the information here was worth sacrificing all our lives for. I have to believe they know what's best. But a lot of people lost their lives here - some of them were my friends. The price was too high, that damn data better be worth it."

"What can you tell me about your research?" Shepard inquired, wondering herself what was so crucial to the Admirals.

"Haestrom's sun is destabilizing," Tali reported, "Back when this was a quarian colony, it was a normal star. It shouldn't change that quickly. My guess is that dark energy is affecting the interior of the star. The effect is similar to when stars blow off mass to enter a red giant phase, but Haestrom's sun is way too young for this to be natural."

"Ok, well, whatever the reason, we could really use you on the _Normandy_ once you deliver the data," Shepard replied. Most of the hard science had gone over her head. Not really her forte. Point her at something and she could kill it in a hundred different ways but she couldn't analyze it after. Still, she had seen Kaidan nodding as Tali spoke. Hopefully he could break it down for her later.

"I promised to see this mission through and I did," Tali said solemnly, "I can leave with you and send the data to the Fleet. And if the Admirals have a problem with that, they can go to hell. I just watched my entire team die."

"Not all of them, ma'am," came a voice from behind them. They all turned and saw Kal'Reegar limping through the door.

"Reegar! You made it!" Tali exclaimed in surprise. Shepard raised a brow when she heard the delight in Tali's voice. _That_ was definitely not the sound of a commander greeting a subordinate. She would know. Guess her young quarian friend had found herself a crush, she thought with a grin. She caught Kaidan noticing the same thing with a similar grin on his face.

"If you need a lift, the _Normandy_ can get you out of here," Shepard offered to Reegar. She figured she had earned the right to play a little matchmaker.

"The geth didn't damage our ship," he replied, not catching the hint, "as long as we get out of here before reinforcements arrive, we'll be fine."

"Actually," Tali broke in, sounding disappointed, "I won't be leaving with you. I'm joining the _Normandy_."

Reegar nodded, and Shepard thought she detected some disappointment there as well, but he replied simply, "I'll pass the data to the Admiralty Board and let them know what happened here." Then he hesitated a moment and turned to Shepard, "She's all yours now, keep her safe."

Shepard took that as confirmation of her suspicions and tucked it away for now. She nodded to Reegar in respect then turned back to Tali. "Welcome back to the _Normandy_, Tali," she said quietly, formally. Then she dropped the seriousness, grinned, and linked her arm with the quarian. She motioned her team to head out. "Let's go, Team Original _Normandy_," she said as they walked toward the shuttle.

Garrus mumbled to Kaidan as they followed, "I think the sun fried her brain along with her shields."

Kaidan chuckled at the joke and joined in, "Or that colossus hit her on the head."

"I **heard** that," Shepard mock grumbled and continued walking.

~x~

Once she had Tali settled back in engineering, and of course Tali wanted to be in engineering, where else would she go? and had taken a moment to tease her about a certain quarian marine, Shepard headed to the forward battery. She hadn't really had a chance to catch up with Garrus since she'd joined the Normandy. True, she'd had Kaidan, and Cerberus, and Kaidan, and nearly getting killed in a Cerberus trap, and Kaidan again distracting her, but having the old team together on Haestrom made her feel guilty for not taking the time to catch up with her best friend. She knocked on the door – although she realized any other 'captain' would think her silly for it, she knew Garrus considered the battery his personal quarters and she respected her crew's privacy if possible. When he called his greeting she walked in and over to him. She stood next to him at his console and tried to look over his shoulder to see just exactly what he was always doing there.

Garrus looked up from his calibrations and greeted her cheerily, "Hey, Shepard, nice to see you down here."

"Yeah, Garrus, sorry about that…" Shepard trailed off sheepishly, "I wasn't avoiding you, I just-"

"Had other things to deal with," Garrus cut her off, waving off the apology. "I didn't mind. So, Team Original _Normandy_, huh?"

"Well, you have to admit, it _is_ nice to have us all back together," Shepard grinned, "minus an asari and krogan, that is." And Ash, she thought then she mentally shook herself. Now was not the time to reopen old wounds.

"Yeah, you're right," Garrus replied, "Just with a lot more Cerberus."

And that's why you don't reopen old wounds. Cause the new ones are still fresh. Shepard sighed.

"Sorry you ended up in this mess," she told her old friend, "though from what Kaidan told me, you had one of your own."

"He did get me out of a bit of trouble," Garrus agreed. Then he paused and seemed to consider before he continued, "And actually, I'm glad you came to talk to me. I've been meaning to come see you myself."

"Oh?" she asked in response.

"Kaidan told you how I lost my entire team?" Garrus inquired, and at her nod, went on, "I've finally got a lead on the bastard responsible – the one who betrayed us. I was hoping we could follow up on it."

"You want to track the guy down and arrest him?" Shepard clarified.

"No, I want to track the guy down and kill him," Garrus stated bluntly - his voice was ice.

"Garrus, killing him won't bring your men back," Shepard pleaded, shocked but not surprised. Garrus had always had vigilante tendencies, and she'd often had to talk him down before. "Revenge isn't the answer."

"Maybe not, Shepard," Garrus said quietly, "but if you had the chance to kill the person responsible for the _Normandy_ attack – for killing Kaidan – wouldn't you take it? Isn't that why you're on this mission now?"

Since he wasn't wrong – entirely – she nodded. Although revenge against the Collectors was more of what she saw as a side benefit than a motive, it was certainly there in the mix. She wasn't going to sink to cold-blooded murder, but she owed Garrus her support.

"Alright, Garrus," she finally said, "we'll follow the lead, track the guy. But I can't promise to help you commit murder."

"I wouldn't ask you to," he said quietly, "I just need your help to get to him - the rest is all on me. Thank you."

She nodded quietly and left.

~x~

When Kaidan heard Shepard enter Starboard Obs, he turned from his traditional position at the viewport with a grin, expecting the same cheery and upbeat woman he had left Haestrom with hours ago. Instead, he saw that she was solemn, somber even, and seemed to carrying her thoughts in weight around her shoulders. He moved to her, placed his hands on her arms and guided her to the couch, then drew her down and placed his arms around her. When she rested her head on his chest, he stroked her hair and asked, "What's wrong?"

She was silent for a long minute. He gave her the time and space to frame her thoughts, while his arms offered her quiet support and comfort. When she finally spoke, her voice was quiet, sad.

"Garrus wants to go to the Citadel to track down a lead on the guy that betrayed his team," she told him. "Then he wants to hunt him down and **assassinate** him," she said the word 'assassinate' with such quiet venom, it made her opinion on the subject very clear.

"And you told him we'd go," Kaidan supplied, still stroking her hair. He knew her well, knew she wouldn't – couldn't – refuse such a personal request from a friend, no matter her personal opinions.

"What else could I do?" she asked, confirming his thoughts, "but I'm not going to help him commit murder."

"So you won't," Kaidan replied, quiet but firm, "you'll show him another way. You've been in this position with him before - it's just a little more extreme now."

"Yeah," she agreed, and then elaborated, "because this isn't an old lingering case – the one that got away – this is personal. It's not going to be easy to talk him out of this." She looked up, met his eyes, pleading with him silently for reassurance.

"No, probably not," he confirmed her words before he went on, "but you'll find a way, you always do." He gave her that reassurance in a quiet, confident, firm voice. She looked at him for the space of heartbeat and saw the same things echoed in his eyes, and then she nodded and put her head back down on his chest.

"Can I stay here with you?" he heard her murmur quietly. Before he could say yes, she straightened a bit and hastened to add, "just to sleep." He knew that amendment was due to the constant eyes and ears on them, not a lack of desire, and he smoothed her hair and drew her back into his arms, against his chest.

"Of course," he said quietly, and then he called a command to dim the lights.

They drifted off to sleep together, holding each other, watching the stars.


	18. Loyalty

_A/N - massive double post for you again today! that means smut is ahead and I've once again broken it into its own chapter - the second part of the post. Quick note about this section of the game/fic... loyalty missions are long, some are fun, some are tedious, but we've all played them, most of us multiple times. So, I'm not going to be writing out every second of every loyalty mission... I'm trying to tell a Shenko story, not retell ME2, so hopefully my skipping around doesn't annoy anyone. Drop me a line and let me know what you think! Bioware still owns all, and I borrowed heavily from their dialog in this chapter._

_Thanks to Gabe97 and Lyv for your reviews (Lyv, glad I made you laugh, that was fun to write too!), and for everyone else who is reading, following, favoriting!  
_

_My awesome beta, StoneburntHeart is still hanging with me so thanks a million times!_

* * *

"Siha," Thane greeted Shepard as she took her customary seat across the table from where he sat. "Thank you for answering my message."

"Of course, Thane," Shepard replied. She had become accustomed to his personal name for her – even in her thoughts she didn't call it a 'nickname' because she felt it would demean it. When he had first explained the term, she wasn't sure exactly how to take him attributing it to her. After some reflection, and more conversation with Thane, she had settled on honored. She still found the drell fascinating, and she often felt he helped to center her and give her peace during her regular visits. Prior to Thane, Kaidan was the only person that had managed to do that for her. She knew it wasn't the same – she was far too in love with Kaidan to see Thane as anything other than a valued friend - but she also didn't fool herself that things might have been different – in another world, another life. If there wasn't a Kaidan… She shook herself out of her thoughts and smiled at her new friend now.

"You said you had a request," she said to Thane, "how can I help?"

"I wouldn't ask if I hadn't heard that we were headed to the Citadel," Thane began in his typically quiet, deep, and raspy voice, "but as it turns out, I have business there as well." Thane paused and sighed, then continued, "now that you are here, though – it seems more difficult to talk about. "

"Is it your disease?" she asked with some concern, "are you getting sicker?"

"Not at all," he hastened to reassure, "things are no better or worse with my illness. No, this is – personal." He paused again, stood up and walked to the weapons case in the corner of the room. When he continued, he spoke with his back to her. "Siha, I had a family once – I told you about my wife – but I also have a son. His name is Kolyat. I haven't seen him for a very long time."

She stood and moved to stand beside him. She placed her hand on his arm in comfort, and asked, "How long has it been since you talked?"

"Ten years," Thane answered then recounted his last memory of his son in the drell fashion. Shepard watched and noticed that the memory was a painful, almost shameful one for him.

"What happened to him?" she questioned softly.

"I… abandoned them," Thane replied quietly, his voice clearly showing his shame now. "Oh, not at once. Nothing dramatic. No sneaking out in the middle of the night. No final argument or slammed door. I just… did my job. Hunted and killed people across the galaxy. And my wife would be left at home to tell people I was always away on business."

"Why tell me this now?" Shepard asked. She knew he wouldn't be recounting these bitter and painful memories with no purpose.

"When my wife departed her body, I… attended to that issue. I left Kolyat in the care of his aunts and uncles," his voice was still quiet, sorrowful, but it was less bitter now, "I have not seen or contacted him since. But my condition has caused me to judge my life… Measuring what I've added and what I've taken away. I've used my contacts to trace Kolyat. He has become… disconnected. He does what his body wills."

"Is he ok?" she questioned, still trying to understand, "Is he hurt?"

"Something happened that should not have. He knows where I've been, what I've done." Thane supplied, "I don't know his reasons, but he has gone to the Citadel. He has taken a job as a hit man. I would like your help to stop him. He is… this is not a path he should walk."

"Of course, Thane," she answered softly, "we'll find him and stop him."

"Thank you, Siha," Thane answered, and his voice was finally lighter, with relief, "you are a good friend."

She nodded and left him to his memories.

~x~

Shepard was on her way back to her cabin after visiting with Thane when her omni-tool beeped a message. She stopped at the elevator access panel and opened the 'tool to read the message before she pressed the button.

**Heard we're headed to the Citadel. Bekenstein is right next door. Have time for that job I mentioned? - Kasumi**

Ah, yes the robbery she had promised when she recruited the thief. She sighed and typed a message back.

**Sure, why not? I'll pencil you in. – Shepard**

Kasumi's reply came a minute later.

**Cool! I'll make arrangements. - Kasumi**

She shook her head, abandoned the elevator, and headed to Starboard Obs instead. When Kaidan bade her enter, she walked in and greeted him with, "Turns out we're headed to the Citadel to stop _two_ murders. Then we're stopping at Bekenstein to perform a heist," just so she could see his reaction. He didn't disappoint.

~x~

When they reached the Citadel, they headed to C-Sec Offices in Zakera Ward. Shepard figured Captain Bailey was a good place to start for both Garrus and Thane. And in the interest of killing two birds, etc., etc. In the same vein, she brought both Garrus and Thane with her, along with Kaidan. Kaidan, to make the introductions and smooth the way. The other two, cause well, they were the interested parties, after all. Besides, although she preferred to maintain the Alliance regulation configuration of a three member squad for most combat missions – it was safer, easier to manage, and prevented friendly fire – they were on an information search here, no one was likely to draw a gun in the middle of Zakera Ward.

Kaidan had told her that Captain Bailey was both competent and helpful in his dealings with him, but Shepard sensed the hint of disapproval underneath. It made her curious what Bailey had done to get on _Boyscout's_ bad side. Once introductions had been made, she questioned the C-Sec officer about Garrus' lead and was told where to start looking for him. Pretty straightforward so far, she thought, and asked about Kolyat. She waited while Bailey accessed his records and then looked back at her.

"Well, this is interesting," Bailey said reading his screen, "One of my men reported a drell recently – he was talking to Mouse."

"Mouse?" Shepard echoed, question in her tone.

"A petty criminal," Bailey explained, "Probably not the one that hired your friend's son, but a messenger. He's a former duct rat, runs errands for anyone who'll pay."

Shepard saw Bailey's news strike a chord with Thane, but set it aside in favor of her curiosity, "What did you call him?"

"Oh, a duct rat? It's slang for the street kids that grow up on the Citadel," Bailey enlightened. "When they're small, they tend to play in the ventilation ducts where adults can't get to them. Mouse is usually upstairs outside the Dark Star. He works out of a public com terminal."

She thanked Bailey for his information, no matter how much she wished she didn't have the brutal picture of children endangering themselves in the ventilation system to escape detection playing in her brain on loop. She turned to her team and considered a moment, then ordered, "Garrus, we'll follow up with Mouse first then check into Fade once that's done. Head back to the _Normandy_, I'll call you when we're ready. Kaidan - you're with us." She watched Garrus nod and turn to follow her orders and she moved out.

~x~

Once they had persuaded Mouse to give them the name of Kolyat's client - but not target - they returned to Bailey for more information. When Bailey confessed that he accepted bribes from Elias Kelham, Shepard realized she had been right about the cause of Kaidan's disapproval. Although she generally judged Bailey to be a good man in a bad situation, and she had been in command long enough to know that sometimes you made the wrong choice for the right reasons, she also knew that Kaidan's world was more black and white. She knew people who didn't know him as well as she did might think Kaidan judgmental, but she thought of it as honorable. Kaidan was her moral compass in her sometimes alarmingly gray world, and she valued that anchor.

Still, although Shepard sympathized with Bailey's predicament, he was standing in the way of her objective. She stood back and let Kaidan take the lead, using his moral outrage to persuade Bailey to bring Kelham in for questioning, and enjoyed the sight of her man in action. Bailey's commitment to their plan secured, Shepard took the lead again. She ordered Thane to wait in Bailey's office until his men had located and arrested Kelham, then bade Garrus rejoin them to hunt down his lead on Fade in the meantime. Once the turian arrived, they headed to the warehouse Bailey had mentioned.

~x~

The trio cut their way through Blue Suns resistance in the factory district and Shepard and Kaidan did their best to persuade Garrus that his brutal plan was wrong along the way. As they stood facing a cornered Harkin in the factory district, Shepard suppressed a shudder of revulsion at seeing the scum who had treated her so disrespectfully two years ago. She could tell by the demeanor of her companions that they didn't have fond memories of Harkin either, and she didn't doubt they'd take the chance to act on their inclinations in this changed setting. Her worries were confirmed when both Garrus and Kaidan stepped forward, the former hitting Harkin with the butt of his rifle, the latter going for a left hook. That surprised her a bit. Ok, well, Garrus she got, but Kaidan too? While she appreciated the chivalry, it was both misplaced and unnecessary.

"Alright, boys," she drawled, "let's not kill him before we have a chance to question him."

Two sets of eyes met hers, human and turian, defiantly, then subsided. Still, Kaidan added, "Been wanting to do that for a long time," before he backed down.

When Harkin recovered enough to speak, Shepard got in his face, arm against his throat, and muttered, "_Fade_, couldn't make yourself disappear, huh?"

"Shepard?" Harkin said in confused recognition, and then he noticed the turian standing over her left shoulder, "Garrus?" Harkin shook off his confusion and started to wheedle, "Come on, we can work this out. What do you need?"

Shepard dropped her arm and backed off. She was glad Harkin was going to talk, because proximity to the slime had been making her vaguely ill.

"I'm looking for someone," Garrus told Harkin, his voice low and ominous.

"Well, I guess we both have something the other one wants," Harkin shot back. Apparently the man had no self-preservation instincts.

Kaidan moved quickly, using a well-aimed punch to Harkin's solar plexus to remind him. Harkin doubled over with a grunt.

Shepard cocked a brow at Kaidan and received a shrug in return. Then she stepped back to Harkin and drawled, "That had to hurt. Maybe you should just answer the question."

"Maybe," Harkin grunted back, "I still haven't heard what you want."

"You helped a friend of mine disappear," Garrus supplied, "I need to find him."

"I might need a little more information than that," Harkin countered.

"His name is Sidonis – turian - came from-" Garrus listed impatiently until Harkin cut him off.

"I know who he is," Harkin cut in, resolute, "and I'm not telling you squat."

"Harkin," Shepard interrupted, "this doesn't have to be hard."

"Screw you," Harkin spat. The next instant, he doubled over with a moan when Kaidan shoved a knee into his groin. The man was either stupid or suicidal to continue to defy them and apparently Kaidan's and Garrus' patience were stretched beyond limits.

When Harkin could speak again, he continued, "I don't give out client information, it's bad for business."

Garrus backhanded Harkin, knocking him to the ground again, and placed a booted foot against his throat. "You know what else is bad for business?" he growled, "a broken neck." He stepped down with enough pressure to make his point and not enough to kill – yet.

"Alright, alright," Harkin struggled under Garrus' foot, "get off me." When he started choking, Shepard stepped up and placed a hand on Garrus' arm, warning him to subside.

Garrus stepped back and Harkin recovered enough to sit up. "Terminus really changed you, huh, Garrus?" he muttered.

"No, but Sidonis opened my eyes," was Garrus' quiet reply. "Now arrange a meeting," he ordered Harkin, indicating the com terminal in the back of the room with a gesture of his head.

They watched as Harkin complied reluctantly, setting up a meeting with Sidonis. He turned from the terminal and faced them again. "So our business is done," he stated cockily, "I guess I'll be going now."

Garrus got in his face, pistol drawn. "I don't think so," he corrected, "you're a criminal now."

"So what?" Harkin muttered, "you're just gonna kill me? That's not your style, Garrus."

For a tense second, Shepard watched and was afraid she'd have to step in to save Harkin. She breathed a small sigh of relief when Garrus came to a decision and stepped back. She realized it was premature when the turian brought his pistol up again and aimed.

"Kill you, no," Garrus said quietly, "but I don't mind slowing you down."

She moved quickly to deflect his aim and Garrus' shot went wide. "You don't need to shoot him. He can't hide from C-Sec now," she said firmly.

"I guess it's your lucky day," Garrus drawled to Harkin and prepared to follow Shepard out.

"Yeah, I hope we can do this again real soon," Harkin shot back still defiant. And stupid. Kaidan shot a fist out and cold cocked him again, knocking Harkin unconscious. He turned to Shepard and met her cocked-brow look again.

"What?" he said in return, all innocence, "I didn't shoot him."

Shepard shook her head in resignation. "Come on, let's move," she called to the squad.

~x~

While in the air car to Sidonis' meeting location, Shepard decided to use the travel time wisely. "You two need to adjust your interrogation techniques," she lectured her squad, "You ," she jabbed a finger at Kaidan impatiently, "I figure that was just a chauvinistic display of macho dominance cause you've been in a snit over Harkin since we first met him in Chora's Den."

Kaidan held her gaze defiantly for a moment then sighed and looked away, "I guess I got a little carried away." He winced now, remembering how he had let years of control slip, egged on by all the testosterone of the encounter. Not one of his finer moments. He turned back to her and this time his look was sincere, apologetic. "I know you can take care of yourself – I'm sorry."

Shepard nodded and accepted the apology, and turned to her other target. "But you, Garrus, are starting to worry me. This isn't like you."

"Harkin was a bloody menace. He deserved to be put down," Garrus responded – with no apology.

"So you decided to play judge and jury?" Shepard asked, her voice rising in alarm, "I thought we had enough talks about this two years ago. I thought you had learned that lesson."

"What do you want from me, Shepard?" Garrus asked, quietly, turning away from her censuring gaze, "What would you do if someone betrayed you?"

"I'm not sure," she answered slowly, "but I'd try not to let it change me."

"I would have said the same thing before it happened to me," he muttered.

"It's not too late, you don't have to go through with this," Shepard was hoping to reach him, trying to end this now.

"Who's going to bring Sidonis to justice if I don't?" Garrus asked in bitter retort, "Nobody else knows what he's done, nobody else cares. I don't see any other options."

"Let me talk to him," she pleaded.

"Talk all you want, but it won't change my mind," the turian replied, unconvinced. "I don't care what his reasons were. He screwed us. He deserves to die."

Shepard shared a look of alarm with Kaidan, reaching for the words to stop this. She finally sighed and turned back to Garrus. "I understand what you're going through, but do you really want to kill him?" she asked quietly.

"I appreciate your concern," Garrus was speaking to both of them now, "but I'm not you."

"This isn't you, either," Kaidan answered.

"Really? I've always hated injustice… The thought that Sidonis might get away with this?" Garrus responded and gave a bitter laugh, "Why should he go on living when ten good men lie in unmarked graves? I'm sorry, to both of you, but words aren't going to solve this problem." He looked around for a suitable sniper perch. When he found what he needed, he exited the air car, requesting that they distract Sidonis and get the target in position.

"What now?" Shepard asked Kaidan. She was beginning to worry that they'd have to let Garrus complete his plan, no matter how distasteful, and deal with the fallout after.

"He might be willing to shoot Sidonis, but he'd never risk you," Kaidan pointed out. "Let's go find Sidonis and make sure Garrus doesn't have a shot."

"Ok," she said, following his plan, "and then what?"

"And then we talk some sense into his stubborn blue head," Kaidan said with a grin.

~x~

Kaidan wondered if he had been insane, suggesting that the woman he love stand between a vigilante sniper and his bullet during the tense moments of confrontation that followed. More than once, he second-guessed himself, worried that Garrus really would take the shot, even if it was through Shepard. But she remained calm and cool, and together they kept talking to Garrus, pointing out Sidonis' suffering and sincere sorrow. After long minutes during which Kaidan swore he could feel his hair going gray, Garrus finally relented and let Sidonis go. They made their way back to the air car in silence, but the turian spoke before they could get in.

"I know you two want to talk about this," Garrus mumbled, "but I don't, not yet."

Shepard, Kaidan saw, wasn't going to accept that dismissal, "I know it didn't go the way you planned," she told Garrus quietly, "but I think it's for the best."

"I'm not so sure," he replied.

"Give it time," Kaidan suggested, speaking to both of them.

"Yeah," Garrus answered, "Maybe that will be enough. I want to know I did the right thing, not just for me. For my men. They deserved to be avenged. But with you in my sights… Seeing Sidonis that way – I just couldn't do it."

"The lines between good and evil blur when we're looking at people we know," Shepard said, speaking to Garrus but looking at Kaidan.

"Yeah, there was still good in him," Garrus replied, "You helped me see it. But it's so much easier to see the world in black and white. Gray – I don't know what to do with gray."

"You gotta go with your instincts," Shepard answered.

"My instincts are what got me into this mess," Garrus retorted.

"Don't be too hard on yourself," Kaidan slapped Garrus on the back, "that's what we're here for. To tell you when you're being an ass."

Garrus chuckled and got into the air car. "I guess you owed me that one, Alenko," he shot back.

"Let's drop Garrus at the _Normandy_ and check in with Thane," Shepard said to Kaidan as she climbed into the car.

Kaidan took his own seat, grinning with relief.

~x~

They returned to Bailey's office as his men were dragging Elias Kelham into the interrogation room. Shepard secured Bailey's promise to stall Kelham's attorney, then turned to follow. She stopped outside interrogation to make a pointed comment to Kaidan about her turn to play bad cop, and he heard the message loud and clear. He stood silently in the corner, while Shepard and Thane worked Kelham, finally using Shepard's Spectre status to wrench the information about Kolyat's target from the man.

They successfully tracked Joram Talid, Shepard on the catwalks above and Kaidan following discreetly below, updating Thane on the politician's progress as they went. They converged on the target and prevented Kolyat's assassination, though not before he killed the krogan bodyguard. After witnessing the painful reunion between father and son, Kaidan found he didn't even disapprove when Shepard convinced Bailey to go lightly on the drell. Clearly, the pair had suffered enough. They left Thane in the interrogation room with his son and walked back to the _Normandy_ together.

"So that's two crimes prevented today," Kaidan said to Shepard with a cocky grin.

"Yeah," she returned, "and one to commit still."

"Are you sure about this, Shepard?" Kaidan asked, still unclear what a robbery had to do with saving the galaxy.

"No," Shepard told him, "but a deal's a deal. Let's go see what Kasumi has planned for us."

He shook his head in resignation and followed her to the airlock.

~x~

Kaidan tugged at the collar of his dress shirt as Kasumi guided their unmarked shuttle toward Hock's party and filled in details about their cover and the mission. The unfamiliar clothing felt restrictive and he was uncomfortable. He had already discovered that looking at Shepard in her party wear made his suit feel small in other areas and he was doing his best to avoid staring. The amount of skin her dress revealed was much more than he was used to seeing outside of the bedroom – or shower he thought with a smirk – and much more than he had seen recently. His own fault, he thought, as the shuttle made its approach and landed. He had been the one to decide he should try to be gentlemanly, after their less than polite encounter in the shower. Now as he waited for Kasumi to quick talk them into Hock's party, Kaidan wondered what fashion expert had decided that dress clothing for women should reveal while the male version concealed. Definitely must have been a man. And he would ordinarily approve, but he was having an extremely hard time keeping his mind on business. Then he caught a glimpse of Shepard from behind as they joined the party and decided that her ass in that dress was enough to blow his mind completely.

~x~

Shepard took Kaidan's arm as he escorted her into the party and they began to casually scope the room, pretending to mingle with guests. Dear lord, he looked fine in his suit, almost as hot as his dress blues, but more… informal, she finally settled on. She hadn't missed the sly glances and occasional blushes that told her Kaidan approved of her own attire and she found herself nearly preening under the attention. It really had been a while since the _shower_, and she needed to figure out how to arrange another private encounter, ASAP. She briefly wondered if she had the nerve to ask either Dr. Chakwas or Mordin Solus to vacate their respective spaces – since they were both surveillance free – but cringed in embarrassment at the thought. Not a conversation she wanted to have with either doctor. She moved to follow the directive Kasumi related over the hidden com, to get acquainted with the host, but her plots to get Kaidan alone remained in the back of her mind.

~x~

At some point, Kaidan gave in. He had watched Shepard converse with Hock, making noises where appropriate but not really paying attention, and decided that they might be here on business, but since this business involved cleavage not gunfire, no reason not to have some pleasure too. When she completed her discussion with Hock and took Kaidan's arm again - likely intending to follow Hock's advice and mingle – he took her hand instead. He drew her to an open area that had been set aside as a dance floor and pulled her into his arms. He leaned down enough to whisper in her ear, "Let's dance."

"Kaidan," she replied protesting, "you know I don't dance."

"Mmm," he murmured quietly, "you don't have to dance for this – not really – just close your eyes and sway." He gathered her close and set his words to action.

She resisted for another moment, standing stiff and still in his arms, then finally relaxed and gave in. She moved closer in the circle of his arms – probably too close for polite company – rested her head against his shoulder and began to move gently with him. Her rhythm may not have matched the music, but neither of them cared. They were in sync to each other, not the song.

He reveled in the feel of her in his arms and closed his eyes as well to enjoy it. She found it hard to concentrate on anything but the feel of his arms around her, his hand on her lower back – as low as it could be and still be decent in public. He breathed in her scent, so uniquely hers, and sighed in contentment. They each knew they were playing with fire, the heat was building with every second, but they ignored the danger and concentrated only on each other. It was a wonderful moment until Kasumi's voice over their coms brought them back to reality.

They broke apart, looking around guiltily, and moved together down the stairs toward the vault to join Kasumi. Just outside the open door, Kaidan halted their progress, grabbed Shepard, and their mouths met in a passionate kiss. He pushed her back against the wall and sank into the sensation of her mouth under his, not caring that the thief was probably getting a bird's eye view of their display. After long moments, they broke apart, struggling for breath, and entered the vault, side by side but not touching. The sly look on Kasumi's face confirmed Kaidan's suspicions.

~x~

The rest of their time at Hock's party and in his mansion went much the same way. In between accomplishing Kasumi's goals in perfect synchronicity, they took any moments they were out of prying eyes to steal surreptitious touches, quick kisses. By the time they had access to the vault and suited up for combat, Kaidan was ready for more than a fight. Still, he banked his desire and put all his passion into the battle with Hock and his minions once they had found Kasumi's graybox. When the shuttle arrived to take them back to the _Normandy_, Kaidan found disappointment mixed in with his relief. It had been nice to be… normal. Now they had to return to their life of danger, Reapers, Collectors, and Cerberus. But for a few moments at that party, they had just been two people in love. He'd miss it.

~x~

Shepard was in her cabin thinking about her decision to allow Kasumi to keep the graybox – she knew from first-hand experience how bittersweet memories of a dead lover could be and she wasn't sure she had done Kasumi any favors – when the thief herself entered the room. Shepard didn't question Kasumi's silent entry of a locked room. She had come to expect it from the woman. She also wasn't annoyed by the fact that Kasumi had intruded on her privacy without asking. That too was just her way. But she was curious about the thief's reasons for the infiltration, so she turned to her with a raised brow and a simple, "Kasumi?"

"Hey, Shep," Kasumi replied in her typically cheerful and casual manner, "I came to return a debt. I know you helped me steal Keiji's graybox in return for my help with the Collectors. But letting me keep it – even though you knew the danger – was a separate favor."

"Ok…" Shepard replied, nodding. She followed the logic, but wasn't sure where Kasumi was going.

"So, I made sure your cabin is completely private now," Kasumi enlightened her, then thought about her words and corrected, "well, I can still get in, but I wouldn't if I knew you were _busy_." She placed special emphasis on the last word.

Shepard heard the words, but wasn't sure she understood the full meaning, or the implication, so she waited patiently for Kasumi to continue.

"I saw you with Kaidan at the party," Kasumi continued, "If I could have Keiji back, alive, I would give anything. But you… you've already been given that. I can't stand to see anyone keep you from enjoying it, especially Cerberus. There's no surveillance in this cabin any longer," Kasumi gestured with a wide sweep of her arms, "and EDI assures me that she will respect your privacy, as that doesn't contradict her programming. So if you and the Lieutenant need some time to yourselves, you have a place for it now." She finished with a grin.

Shepard took the news with mixed emotions. Embarrassment, relief, and anticipation were in there, but she finally settled on the most prominent one –gratitude - for her reply, "Thank you, Kasumi."

Kasumi nodded, cloaked, and exited the cabin. When Shepard heard the door close behind her, she reached for her omni-tool and sent a quick message. She wasn't about to waste the opportunity she'd been given.

~x~

When Kaidan knocked on Shepard's door a few minutes later, he was still trying to decipher the meaning of her message. It had been short, terse even. A simple directive to join her in her cabin for an important meeting. When he heard her answer his knock, he entered the cabin and saw she was still dressed in her party clothes, and she looked almost sheepish. His confusion compounded. What was going on?

She met him in the center of the room, near the steps, and took his hand and drew him to the seating area. She waited until they were both seated on the couch, in close proximity but not touching, before she sighed and turned to face him. "Kaidan…" she began, and then she trailed off. Just how do you tell your resurrected lover that you had lured him here to seduce him?

"Shepard?" he asked with a question in his voice. This was not the strong, confident Commander Shepard, he wasn't sure what was affecting her disposition so drastically, but he felt concern rise.

She saw the worry come over his face and hastened to reassure him, "No, Kaidan, it's not like that, everything's ok…" She trailed off, uncertain again. She finally gave up, decided that actions spoke louder than words, and kissed him.

He returned her kiss after a moment of shocked surprised, parting her lips and exploring her mouth with his tongue. He couldn't resist her touch, her taste, the feel of her when she slid into his arms and he put all questions aside and enjoyed. When the fog of passion threatened to overwhelm all thought, he struggled against it, his curiosity still strong. He broke the kiss and sat back slightly from the embrace, trying to read clues on her face. All he saw were parted lips, swollen from their kiss, and eyes hooded and filled with passion.

"Shepard?" he asked again.

She took a deep breath and summarized in a rush, "Kasumi fixed the surveillance, did it to return the favor, wants us to be together," then she heard what she had said and corrected herself, "I want us to be together."

Kaidan grinned at her phrasing, then teased, "Well, we wouldn't want to disappoint… Kasumi," before he drew Shepard back into his arms and captured her lips for another kiss. Apparently, his woman had called him up here to seduce him. He wasn't about to disobey that order.


	19. and Love

_A/N - and here comes the adult content continuation of the last chapter. If you're here by accident, this chapter is M-rated, hair curling, completely NSFW... if that's not your thing, pick up the fic in the next chapter, you're safe :-)_

_For the rest of you, on to the fun :-) Still thanks to Bioware..._

* * *

He took control of the kiss, gentling it, softening it. In the back of his mind was the thought that he wanted to do things right this time, not shove her back against a cold shower wall and take her like an animal. This time, he wanted to appreciate, enjoy, and worship. He nibbled at her lips, licked them gently with the tip of his tongue. He brought his hands up to cup her face and gently held her still when she tried to take more, to escalate. He gave her one more soft butterfly kiss, then drew back enough to look her in the eyes and quietly say, "Let's do this right this time. Let me make love to you."

He waited until she nodded in acceptance. She smiled, a slow, gentle, beautiful curve of her lips, and said, "Kaidan, I missed you so much…" before his mouth met hers again.

This time, he let their mouths open, touching tongue to tongue in a gentle, sweet dance. A homecoming. They breathed in each other, relearned each other. They paused along the way for quiet murmurs, sweet innocent kisses, and loving touches. Their pace stayed gentle until the fire that they had started at Hock's party roared back to life in protest. When they couldn't resist it, couldn't keep it from consuming them, Kaidan stood, lifted her in his arms and walked the short distance to the bed. He set her back on her own feet beside it, and took her in his embrace. This time, their kiss was everything the fire wanted. It was heat, passion, and most of all, love.

He moved his hands to her back and found the catch of her zipper and drew it down slowly while he licked and sucked the skin at the junction of her neck and shoulder. While his hands parted the material and started to push it off her shoulders, he stopped tracing her collarbone with his tongue long enough to divest her of the dress completely. He stepped back enough to take in the sight of her, now garbed in only a sexy black bra, matching panties, and thigh high stockings with lacey tops. The sight of her stole his breath. When he had it back he tried to gently push her back on to the bed, but she resisted. He met her eyes to see a smile there.

"Uh uh," she said with the smile on her lips and in her voice as well, "you still have too many clothes on."

He grinned and complied, stripping off his shirt slowly as she watched in interest. Then he made quicker work of his pants, and stood in only his boxers and quirked a brow at her, "Better?" he asked.

"Much," she confirmed, going back into his arms then gasped as naked heated skin met.

"Mmm," he said in agreement, kissing her as he pushed her back onto the bed and followed her down.

He braced himself on his arms over her so that only their lower bodies touched, and took her mouth again. He kissed the breath from her, then moved his mouth across her jaw, to her ear, and licked the spot he knew she loved. He didn't linger. Once he received her moan as his reward, his mouth continued down, tracing over her throat, her collarbone, and outlined the boundary of her bra. He shifted his weight to one hand and used the other to push aside the impediment. His eager lips claimed new territory, tracing over the mound of her breast with soft kisses, then he reached her nipple. He sucked it into his mouth gently, tracing the peak with his tongue and she groaned her pleasure.

He left the bra on for now, fascinated with the contrast of black lace against pure white skin. He simply moved his hand to her other breast and revealed it as he had the first. This time, he traced the nipple with his tongue, wetting it, and blew a warm breath over it. He watched as it pebbled and sucked it into his hungry mouth. He repeated his efforts, alternating breasts, until she began squirming underneath him, pressing her hips up into his already impossibly hard erection. He grunted at the pleasure-pain and left her breasts, trailing kisses down her stomach until he reached the black lace of her panties. Those needed to go, he decided, since they impeded his view too much. But he was leaving the stockings. Those were too hot. While he drew the panties down and off her, he dropped his head to trace the lace at the top of each stocking with his tongue. Once he had explored completely, he parted her thighs and settled between them, using his hands right at the lace he had just explored to hold her open wide.

She was glistening wet, he saw, and so beautiful. He blew his breath over her gently again - teasing her, he knew but couldn't resist. At her impatient, "Kaidan," he relented and traced her folds with his tongue. He gave her what she wanted, just not all of it. He explored her with soft delicate licks and lost himself in her taste, the feel of her under his mouth. He ignored her efforts to move him at first. When she finally gave a sound that was half moan half growl and brought both hands up into his hair in frustration, he chuckled softly against her flesh and closed his mouth around her, sucking her in, working to satisfy her. He flicked his tongue lightly against her as he sucked and brought a hand up and slid two fingers into her slick channel. She arched her back and bowed with tension and he watched as she peaked, moaning long and loud. He thought she was beautiful and he loved seeing her like this.

He brought her down softly with fingers and mouth, and when she stopped writhing, he crawled back up her body, trailing kisses as he went. He paused at her breasts, bathing them with his tongue as he worked a hand behind her and unclasped and removed the bra. He traced his hands over both bared breasts and decided he liked her this way better, after all. He kissed his way back to her mouth and captured her for another deep kiss while he settled between her parted legs.

He felt her hand reach down and free him, then push at his boxers, trying to get them off. He pulled back from their embrace enough to help her, throwing the offending item to the floor then he settled back against her. Heated flesh met flesh that was slick, soaked, and equally heated and they both gasped. Time stopped for them and their eyes met, communicating in silence a world of meaning in that one instant of heated anticipation. He held her eyes as he sank into her in an excruciatingly slow and poignant movement. When he was seated to the hilt, he paused and watched her, drinking in the peace of her welcome around his flesh.

Time started again and she moved first, bringing her stocking-clad legs up to clasp around him and lifting her hips against him in a silent plea. He joined her a second later, and they began the dance of lovers in a slow and gentle rhythm. They touched forehead to forehead and held each other's eyes, but neither disturbed the peace with a sound. They kept the pace slow until they couldn't any longer because the fire threatened to consume them again. He moved harder, faster, sinking as deep into her as he could, peppering kisses on her face, lips, and throat. She sank blunt nails into his shoulders and held on, thrusting her hips back up into him, aiding in their journey toward pleasure. In the space between thrusts, she reached the precipice, paused, and then tumbled over when he slid back in deep. She closed around him in a hot clasp and brought him with her. He stiffened, gasped, and spilled hot and deep inside her. He collapsed on top of her, breath heaving.

When he was capable of rational thought, the first one he had was that he was probably crushing her, so he rolled to his back and drew her on top of him. She went willingly and laid her head against his chest, right over his heart.

He stroked her hair, enjoying their peace, then couldn't help but disturb it by speaking the words his heart sang to him, "I love you."

"Mmm," she replied without lifting her head, "I love you, too." She traced her fingers lightly over his chest and seemed to be thinking. He gave her time and patience. After a long pause, she finally spoke again, "It's such a good sound."

"Hmm?" he said seeking clarification.

"Your heartbeat," she supplied, still against his chest. "For so long, I was afraid I'd never hear it again…" she trailed off and he heard the sound of tears threatening in her voice.

"Sshhh," he soothed, stroking her hair, "I'm here now - I always will be."

"Kaidan… You don't know that," she countered, leaning up so that she could look him in the face now, "neither of us do." Once again she paused and thought before she continued, "I want you to move into this cabin, stay here with me. We don't know how things will be, what will happen, but I don't want to lose another minute with you. Will you stay with me?"

"Of course," he answered her softly, and punctuated it with a soft kiss. She nodded then put her head back down on his chest. She let the steady, comforting beat of his heart lull her into peaceful sleep and he followed her there.


	20. Salarians, Headbutts, and the Thresher M

_A/N - Sorry for my lack of update yesterday, but I was busy writing 10k+ words and didn't have time for final proofs... then when I was done, I was exhausted! So you get an early update today...For the record, the full title for this chapter is 'Salarians, Headbutts, and the Thresher Maw - Oh My!' but ff cuts it off :-/  
_

_Bioware still owns everything! everything!_

_Special note for those of you who like the smut - I'm trying to keep this fic mostly plot, with a few adult interludes along the way, but now that our happy couple are living together, there are more opportunities than I will include in TTT... and, when I'm overly angsty, stressed, or blocked, I write smut... its a bad habit lol... so I've decided, with the encouragement of my awesome beta and super-Shenko-shipper-fluff-girl, StoneburntHeart, to post those smutty one-shots in a separate fic... so look for the adult sister-fic to this one for those smutty Shenko interludes :-) I'll have it up (the first two chapters sync with this one) in a little bit after this post~_

_Thanks to everyone for sticking with me and reading/following/favoriting/reviewing!_

* * *

_When he was capable of rational thought, the first one he had was that he was probably crushing her, so he rolled to his back and drew her on top of him. She went willingly and laid her head against his chest, right over his heart._

_He stroked her hair, enjoying their peace, then couldn't help but disturb it by speaking the words his heart sang to him, "I love you."_

"_Mmm," she replied without lifting her head, "I love you, too." She traced her fingers lightly over his chest and seemed to be thinking. He gave her time and patience. After a long pause, she finally spoke again, "It's such a good sound."_

"_Hmm?" he said seeking clarification._

"_Your heartbeat," she supplied, still against his chest. "For so long, I was afraid I'd never hear it again…" she trailed off and he heard the sound of tears threatening in her voice._

"_Sshhh," he soothed, stroking her hair, "I'm here now - I always will be."_

"_Kaidan… You don't know that," she countered, leaning up so that she could look him in the face now, "neither of us do." Once again she paused and thought before she continued, "I want you to move into this cabin, stay here with me. We don't know how things will be, what will happen, but I don't want to lose another minute with you. Will you stay with me?"_

"_Of course," he answered her softly, and punctuated it with a soft kiss. She nodded then put her head back down on his chest. She let the steady, comforting beat of his heart lull her into peaceful sleep and he followed her there._

~x~

When Shepard woke the next morning – a little later than usual, since her internal alarm clock was thrown by a night of intermittent sleep – she silenced the incessant beeping of her omni-tool that indicated she had a message waiting and snuggled back into the warm arms of the man who held her. "Is it morning already?" Kaidan muttered as he kissed her throat.

"Yeah," she replied, turning in his arms and meeting his mouth, "'fraid so. Comes quickly when you don't get much sleep."

He grinned unapologetically and kissed her again. "You weren't complaining at the time, if I remember correctly," he told her with swagger.

"Mmm," she agreed against his lips, and then she threw the sheets back climbed out of bed, "but let's go. Duty calls, Lieutenant."

He watched her naked form traverse the cabin towards the shower with interest, then she paused at the door to the bathroom and called over her shoulder, "Are you coming?" before opening the door. He climbed out of bed and quickly followed her - in the interest of conserving water, of course.

~x~

Once they were clean and dressed, Shepard checked her omni-tool and discovered she had no less than three messages waiting. Two were from crew members and one was from Yeoman Chambers, informing Shepard that Mordin requested a moment of her time. She sighed and turned to Kaidan. "How do you feel about a little divide and conquer, Lieutenant?" she asked him.

"Point me at it, ma'am," he bantered back. "What's up?"

"I need to go see Mordin, and Jacob and Tali are also requesting my presence. Can you handle Jacob while I talk to the other two? I think he got my message when we talked before, but I'd like to avoid any further attempts at uh, fraternization," she filled him in.

Kaidan raised his brows and wondered if he needed to worry about Taylor. Then he shrugged, remembering the night he had spent with Shepard, and figured he didn't have anything to be concerned about. "Yeah, I'll find out what he wants," he confirmed.

They left the cabin and headed toward their separate missions.

~x~

Once Shepard spoke with Mordin, and assured him of her willingness to help extract his assistant, and spoke with Tali in engineering, listened in alarm to her quarian friend's tenuous position with the Fleet, and promised Tali her help as well, she rendezvoused with Kaidan in the mess hall for a much-delayed breakfast. Both their biotic metabolisms were screaming for nourishment by that point so they ate first, in silence, until they were satisfied. Then they shared notes about their individual meetings.

"Shit," Shepard muttered in frustration, "does _everyone_ on this ship have personal issues they want my help with?"

"You did just spend time helping three of the crew with their personal business," Kaidan chided gently, "I guess the rest figured they might as well ask. And we are planning to take them on a suicide mission, so…"

"Yeah," Shepard replied sheepishly, accepting his point. "But how do you prioritize personal missions? There aren't military implications here to determine which threat is the greatest."

"Well, let's try to simplify then," Kaidan supplied helpfully, "we have a distress call, an innocent in danger, and a friend with legal issues."

"When you put it that way…" she trailed off, "ok so Jacob said his father had been missing ten years?" at Kaidan's nod she continued, "so the distress beacon is curious but likely not imminent danger. And Tali said herself that the Fleet would have some patience… So I guess we rescue the innocent first?"

"Sounds like a plan," Kaidan confirmed.

"Alright I guess we'll head to Tuchanka then," Shepard said then added after a thought struck, "it'll be nice to check in with Wrex, see how the life of a 'king' suits him."

Kaidan couldn't restrain the laugh that escaped at the thought of their old friend sitting on a throne, crown on his hump.

~x~

Kaidan was in Starboard Obs packing his collected belongings – few that they were – with the intention of moving them to his new quarters when he heard a knock at the door and called for his guest to enter. He looked up from a stack of datapads to see Kelly Chambers approach him with a quizzical expression.

"Kaidan," she greeted him cheerfully – ignoring his glare at her familiar address, "Is there something I can help you with?"

"I've got it under control, _Yeoman_," he replied, stressing her title in the hopes that she would take a hint.

"Oh, but…" Chambers trailed off and watched him put the datapads in a crate before she continued, "What _are_ you doing?"

"I'm packing," Kaidan answered her tersely and impatiently.

"Packing?" she asked in confusion missing his warning tone.

"Yes, Yeoman Chambers," Kaidan stopped his work and turned to face her, "I'm packing my belongings so that I can move them." He spoke slowly, enunciating each word carefully, hoping that she would take the hint, finally, and just leave him to it.

"Moving?" she echoed in confusion, "but where are you going? I thought Starboard Obs was comfortable for you?"

Seriously? Was this woman that dense? Kaidan reached for the tatters of his patience and replied, "I'm moving to the captain's quarters." And then to head off any further confusion, he added, "That I will now be sharing with Commander Shepard. And I assure you, I am very _comfortable_ there as well."

"Oh!" Chambers replied with a blush as comprehension sank in. Then she repeated, "Oh…" and this time her voice carried disappointment. "I know you and the Commander have been close in the past, but I was hoping…" she trailed off when she saw his expression darken.

"Hoping what, Yeoman?" Kaidan growled dangerously.

"Nothing," Chambers finally wised up and dropped it, "I came to let you know I'm concerned about Grunt. He seems more – aggressive than usual. Perhaps you should check on him?"

Kaidan nodded in the direction of her quickly exiting back. He started as he saw Shepard standing in the open door, brow raised, hands on hip, watching the escape with interest.

"What was that about?" Shepard questioned him.

"Dealing with fraternization issues of my own," Kaidan grumbled. When he saw she wasn't satisfied, he continued, "Chambers came to tell me that Grunt is acting out… don't worry about the rest, I dealt with it." He moved toward the door after he saw Shepard nod. "Guess I better go check on him," he told her as he moved past her out into the hall.

"Well he is your son," she shot back without thinking. Luckily – for her - his back was turned and he didn't catch her pained wince when the guilt of her careless statement hit her.

~x~

Kaidan stood in front of his krogan 'son' a few minutes later and mused that Grunt did look a little… angry, impatient, frustrated.

"What's going on, Grunt?" Kaidan questioned the krogan.

"Something is… wrong," Grunt grumbled in reply. "I _feel_ wrong. Tense. I just want to kill something. With my hands." He paced to the window overlooking the shuttle bay and continued, "More so than usual. Like it's not my choice. Like I just want to, I don't know…" he trailed off and struck the glass in front of him in agitation. The glass shattered and cracked with a crashing sound.

Kaidan raised a brow. Not good. He stood his ground as Grunt paced back to him, impatient.

"See?" Grunt asked, "Why did I do that? What's wrong?"

"This really isn't like you," Kaidan confirmed, "Is there anything in Okeer's imprint about this?"

"No," Grunt replied in disgust, "I've got no past to lead me. The tank gave me nothing about itching plates and losing control."

"EDI," Kaidan said to the ship's AI, "is there anything in your files about krogan diseases that could cause this?"

"Cerberus has a number of autopsies on file," came her cool and gruesome reply, "but nothing on a living krogan of this age and situation. Krogan are reluctant to share medical records."

"Right, genophage," Kaidan muttered, then turned to Grunt. "We're headed to the krogan homeworld, Tuchanka, now and we have a friend there who's a clan leader. If you can keep yourself from destroying the cargo hold until we get there, Shepard and I will check with Wrex. Maybe he'll have an idea of how to help."

Grunt nodded, satisfied. "If this Wrex doesn't know, there should be records on the homeworld that will help." Then he looked almost sheepish, "I will control myself in the meantime."

Kaidan nodded and left so that he could update Shepard.

~x~

_Well, I'll be damned - it __**is**__ a throne_ was Kaidan's thought as he walked drag to the quartet that approached Urdnot Wrex. As close as a crudely carved stone chair perched on the top of a pile of rubble in the middle of post-nuclear destruction could be to a throne anyway. Their progress to their old friend was impeded by the krogan standing guard.

"Halt!" the guard commanded, "You must wait until the clan leader summons you. He is… in talks."

Shepard, Mordin, Grunt and Kaidan looked beyond the guards shoulder and saw Wrex in discussion with another krogan. Wrex didn't appear happy, a thought that he confirmed when he saw their group and ignored the other krogan, stood, and called, "Shepard!" with warmth and surprise in his deep voice.

"Summons enough?" Shepard asked the guard with a raised brow and moved past him before he could answer.

Wrex met their group halfway then clasped Shepard's hand in greeting. "Shepard, my friend," he cried then looked over her shoulder and added, "Kaidan… you look well for dead. Heh. Should have known the void couldn't hold you." He sounded genuinely happy to see them.

"Wrex," Shepard replied with a laugh, "love what you've done with the place. How's 'clan leader' working out for you?"

"Huh!" Wrex answered with what sounded like a scoff, "You made the rise of Urdnot possible. Virmire was a turning point for the krogan, though not everyone was happy about it. Destroying Saren's genophage cure freed us from his manipulation. I used that to spur the clans to unify under Urdnot. "

The krogan that had been in conference with Wrex when they arrived broke in to say, "You abandoned many traditions to get your way. Dangerous."

Wrex responded by headbutting the other krogan to the ground. "Speak when spoken to, Uvenk," he grumbled in warning, "I'll drag your clan to glory whether it likes it or not." Wrex left Uvenk lying on the ground and sat back on his throne. "What brings you here, Shepard? How is the _Normandy_?"

Kaidan saw Shepard pause to choose her words and stepped in to shoulder the burden, "It was destroyed in a surprise attack by the Collectors. I ended up spaced." He said the last quietly, trying to cause as little pain to Shepard as possible.

"Ah," Wrex processed the news, "Well, you look good anyway," he reiterated, "the benefits of a redundant nervous system, I guess."

"Yeah," Shepard stepped back in, "humans don't have that, Wrex."

"Oh, it must have been painful then," he said in sympathy to Kaidan, "but you're both here now, and with a brand new ship. Takes me back to the old days. Us against the unknown, killing it with big guns. Good times."

They spent some time catching up, learning about Wrex's changes on Tuchanka and to the krogan people. Once the niceties had been observed, Shepard turned the conversation to matters at hand.

She asked about the salarian first and Wrex directed her to the scout leader. She nodded and filed the instructions away, and then she indicated Grunt with a motion of her hand.

"This krogan is a member of my crew," she told Wrex, "he has some kind of sickness and needs treatment."

Grunt stepped forward and Wrex studied him for a moment before he sat back and asked, "Where are you from, whelp? Was your clan destroyed before you could learn what is expected of you?"

"I have no clan," Grunt reported solemnly, "I was tank bred by Warlord Okeer, my line distilled from Kredak, Moro, Shlagur-"

"You recite warlords, but you are the offspring of a syringe," Uvenk interrupted in contempt.

"I am pure krogan," Grunt shot back unabashed; "you should be in awe."

"Okeer is a very old name. A very hated name," Wrex offered slowly.

"He is dead," Grunt replied.

"Of course," Wrex said with a grin, "You're with Shepard, how could he be alive?"

"Actually," Kaidan stepped in, "that one's on me, Wrex."

"Same difference," Wrex dismissed the correction with a wave.

"I need Grunt back up to speed. What's wrong with him?" Shepard questioned.

"There is nothing wrong with him," Wrex answered, "he is becoming a full adult."

"Ah, puberty ritual," Mordin interpreted Wrex's information easily, "Common among species with hormone-driven reproductive urges."

"I don't care what aliens call it," Wrex dismissed the salarian, "krogan undergo the Rite of Passage."

"Too far, Wrex!" the hotheaded Uvenk interrupted again, "Your clan may rule, but this thing isn't a krogan!" He stalked off in disgust.

"Idiot," Wrex muttered to his retreating back. He turned back to Grunt and asked, "So whelp, do you wish to stand with Clan Urdnot?"

Shepard questioned Wrex about the details of the Rite and his willingness to accept Grunt in Clan Urdnot. Once she was satisfied, she nodded and turned to Grunt, "This is your choice," she told him.

Grunt paced a bit as he considered. Decision made, he turned to Shepard and nodded, "It is in my blood. It is what I am for."

"Good boy," Wrex stated in approval, "Speak with the shaman. Give him a good show, and he'll set you on the path." He turned to Shepard and asked rhetorically, "Always stepping in messes for your crew, eh, Shepard?"

Shepard grinned in agreement, and then sobered a bit. "It _is_ good to see you Wrex. Are you sure you can't come with us?"

"Wish I could," Wrex answered with regret, "but I need to keep these short-sighted fools in line. Good hunting."

Shepard nodded a farewell to their old friend then turned to the squad. "Ok, salarian rescue first, puberty ritual after. Mordin, Kaidan with me. Grunt - wait for us on the _Normandy_… And try not to break anything till we get back. Let's move." She headed off in the direction of the scout leader.

~x~

Once they had rescued Maelon and recovered his data, Shepard sent Mordin back to the _Normandy_ and she and Kaidan waited near the staircase for Grunt to arrive. Since they had a few moments alone, Kaidan decided to get a little revenge for her earlier teasing.

"So, our little krogan is going through puberty, huh?" he said with a laugh, "After this Rite of Passage, you get to be the one to teach him about the birds and bees. Fathers are for teaching their sons to drive. Sex is mom's stuff."

Instead of the laugh or comeback he expected, he watched in horror as Shepard blanched white and went stock still. Before he could question her, she recovered and finally did laugh, though it was forced.

"Shepard?" he asked, concerned.

"The thought of teaching a krogan about sex…" she offered weakly with a shake of her head. She turned her head and saw Grunt approach. "Grunt!" she called enthusiastically "let's go find your shaman."

Kaidan shook his head, dismissing it for now, and followed the two to the shaman. They found him in a discussion with Uvenk. Apparently that guy got around.

"You go beyond yourself, Gatavog Uvenk!" the shaman grumbled, "The Rites of Urdnot are dominant!"

"How do we know it will challenge him?" Uvenk shot back, "He's unnatural. The beasts of the Rite could ignore him like he's a lump of plastic!"

"They know blood, no matter the womb," the shaman replied. "Your barking doesn't help your case," he added.

Grunt stepped up to the two krogan. "I'll speak for myself," he told them.

The shaman walked over to Grunt and examined him. "This is the tank-bred?" he asked no one in particular. "It is very lifelike." Then he sniffed the air around Grunt. "Smells correct as well," he continued. He turned back to Uvenk and stated firmly, "Your protests ring hollow, Uvenk."

"Urdnot Wrex has given us permission to seek clan status for Grunt," Shepard informed the shaman.

"Permission. Hmph," the shaman replied, "that is good enough, if lacking in spirit."

"If this must stand on ritual, then I invoke a denial!" Uvenk cut in, "My krantt stands against him! He has no one!"

"My patience is tested, but Uvenk invokes correctly," the shaman responded. "Grunt, who is your krantt? Your allies willing to kill and die on your behalf?"

Kaidan knew Shepard had no idea what krantt meant, but the context was clear. He watched as she stepped forward to speak for Grunt, phrasing her reply in terms she knew the krogan would appreciate. "Grunt will strengthen Clan Urdnot. Name our target and it will die."

"Spoken well!" the shaman exclaimed in approval. "Most aliens – and some krogan – do not understand our ways. I believe this human does."

Uvenk wasn't giving up yet, though. "Aliens don't know strength!" he protested. "My followers are true krogan. Everything about-"

Kaidan watched in shock – and he had to admit, a little pride – as Shepard tensed while Uvenk was mouthing off, and then she gathered herself and headbutted the krogan, Wrex-style. It didn't have nearly the force Wrex had given it, but it did have the effect of shutting Uvenk's mouth. There was a moment of tense silence before the shaman began to laugh and Grunt joined in. Kaidan saw Shepard surreptitiously rub her neck while the krogan were distracted. That would need some TLC later.

Uvenk recovered enough to begin spluttering in protest, but the still-chuckling shaman brushed him off. "I like this human!" he proclaimed, "She understands."

Uvenk apparently realized he had been beaten. "I withdraw my denial. This will be decided elsewhere," he warned as he wandered off.

Shepard turned to the shaman and told him to begin the Rite.

~x~

They handled the waves of varren and rachni with no real issues, but when they rang the bell to begin the third round, a giant thresher maw appeared in front of them.

"Well, this should be fun," Shepard muttered, and Kaidan didn't think she was being sarcastic. He remembered well their encounters with thresher maws in the Mako. They hadn't been _fun_. And now they were on foot. He wondered how much damage that headbutt had done to her brain.

They took cover behind the center columns and Kaidan watched Shepard draw and ready her Collector Beam. Grunt broke in helpfully, "We only have to survive five minutes to win."

"No, Grunt," Shepard corrected quietly, "just _surviving_ isn't enough for a tank-bred. You have to be better than any other krogan. We're not just gonna survive. We're gonna kill the bastard."

"Heh heh heh," Grunt laughed in reply, "I like you, Shepard."

"Ok," she fell into command mode, "you guys keep your barriers up and stay hidden. Give me cover fire but watch the acid spit. Let's take this thing down."

They followed her orders and worked together to kill the maw. When it was dead, Kaidan checked the timer in the center of the arena and discovered there were two minutes, fifty seconds left on the clock. He gave a low whistle. "Not bad for two humans and a tank-bred."

Grunt gave another low laugh and then was distracted by the arrival of Uvenk and the shaman.

Kaidan and Shepard hung back and watched like two proud parents as their krogan 'son' wrestled himself into clan status. When that was resolved, they turned, arm in arm, to follow Grunt back to the _Normandy_.

"Rescuing salarians, headbutting krogan, toe-to-toe with a thresher maw – hell of day, Shepard," Kaidan summed up.

"Yeah, let's not do it again tomorrow, ok?" she replied, sounding tired now.

"Let's get back to the _Normandy_ so I can rub that neck instead," he suggested with a grin.

She stopped mid-stride. Turned to him. Met his eyes, mock-serious. "I love you, Kaidan," she said simply, then grinned and continued walking.


	21. In Defense of Honor

_A/N - This chapter should make it pretty clear which is my favorite loyalty mission in ME2, and which is not... Sorry, Jacob fans, I couldn't relive that dreck - even in fanfic - and I just couldn't find a Shenko story there... you may have __already_ noticed, but since this is one of the biggest moments where it matters, my Shepard is a paragon with a few renegade moments *cough*headbutt*cough* thrown in when she feels like being a little badass ;-) As always, all credit goes to Bioware...

_Gabe97, thanks for your continued feedback! I'm glad you appreciated the horror of Shepard's comment - might have been her attempt at a weak excuse for her behavior but still... ugh. Everyone else, thanks for reading, following, favoriting! This fic had been challenging to write at many times, and knowing that there are people out there waiting to see what happens next helps crack the proverbial whip for me!_

_Two umbrellas to my wonderful beta, StoneburntHeart, for all her help and support :-)_

* * *

After the _Normandy_ left Tuchanka, they investigated the distress call from the _Hugo Gernssback_ and found Jacob's missing father alive and very far from well. They dropped Ronald Taylor at the nearest outpost so that the Alliance could take over and handle the mess. And then Shepard's holo-conference with the Illusive Man was interrupted by Miranda just as Shepard was building a perfect head of righteous indignation steam on Jacob's behalf. That Miranda had been the one to leak the information, rather than the Illusive Man, didn't make Shepard any fonder of either. But it did leave her with more questions about Miranda and her past. Hopefully Liara would come through soon. Shepard winced as she remembered her confrontation with Liara and sighed. She'd need to do some fence-mending there, too.

She shook herself out of her reverie as she saw the ships of the Migrant Fleet begin to take shape out the cockpit's viewport. She turned to Tali, who was also studying the quarian ships, and asked, "Ready for this, Tali?"

"No," came the simple response, then Tali elaborated, "these people are more than Admirals – they're like my family. How do you prepare for your family charging you with treason?"

It was a question that had no answer, at least none that Shepard could find. But she reacted to the pain in Tali's voice and opened her mouth to try anyway, "Tali…"

"No, Shepard," Tali cut her off, "it's ok. Hopefully we can straighten this out once we speak to the Admiralty Board. And if not… I still have the _Normandy_. You're my family now."

"Damn straight," Shepard answered with a grin.

As they made their approach, Joker opened a com channel for Tali.

"This is Tali'Zorah vas Neema nar Rayya," she identified herself to the quarian flotilla, "requesting permission to dock with the _Rayya_."

"_Our system has your ship flagged as Cerberus. Verify,"_ was the terse reply over the com.

"'After time adrift among open stars, along tides of light and through shoals of dust, I will return to where I began'," Tali quoted in response.

"_Permission granted. Welcome home, Tali'Zorah."_

"We'd like a security and quarantine team to meet us. Our ship is not clean," Tali returned.

"_Understood. Approach exterior docking cradle 17."_

~x~

When Shepard, Tali, and Kaidan boarded the _Rayya_ a few moments later, they were met by the captain of that vessel.

"Captain Shepard," the quarian captain greeted, "Tali'Zorah told me a lot about you. I wish we could be meeting under more pleasant circumstances."

Shepard didn't correct the title of captain – her experience with quarian culture made her aware the honorific was due to role not rank. Instead, she returned Captain Kar'Danna's greeting with a nod. "Tali helped the _Normandy's_ crew out of many difficult situations. I'm here to return the favor."

"I understand," Captain Kar'Danna replied, "As the commander of the vessel she serves on, your voice carries weight." He turned to Tali and added, "I wish I could do more to help, Tali. The trial requires me to be officially neutral, but… I'm here, if you need to talk. They're charging you with bringing active geth into the Fleet as part of a secret project."

"That's insane!" Tali stepped forward in her defense, "I never brought active geth aboard. I only sent parts and pieces."

Kaidan and Shepard shared a look behind her back. Through their visors, their eyes communicated agreement – obviously this situation was more complicated than they had expected. Shepard nodded and turned back to Tali.

"You sent Geth materials back to the Migrant Fleet?" she questioned their quarian friend.

"Yes," Tali replied without apology, "My father was working on a project. He needed the materials. If I sent back something that was not only damaged, not permanently inactive… No, no, I checked everything. I was careful."

"Technically, I'm under orders to place Tali'Zorah under arrest pending the outcome of the hearing…" Captain Kar'Danna stated kindly, "So, Tali… you're confined to this ship under this trial is over."

"Thank you, Captain," Tali replied.

"Preparations got underway as soon as you arrived," Captain Kar'Danna spoke to Shepard and Kaidan now, "The hearing's being held in the Garden Plaza. Good luck." With that he nodded and walked off.

Shepard and Kaidan each turned to Tali and studied her for a moment, but it was Kaidan that spoke first.

"Tali," he began, his voice soft but firm, "Shepard is going to have a tough time defending you since technically you did some of what they're accusing you of," he raised his hand to stop her when she would have interrupted him, "I know you said it was safe – and we believe you – but it still looks bad. Is there anything else she needs to know? Something else you haven't said?" Kaidan met Shepard's eyes and saw her nod and smile of gratitude. He knew she had a soft spot for Tali and wouldn't necessarily have asked the tough questions. He liked Tali a lot too. But he didn't want Shepard to be blind-sided.

"I swear that's all," Tali answered, her also firm, "I sent materials – _safe_ materials – at my father's request."

"Ok, Tali," Shepard replied with a nod, "let's go talk to the Admirals."

~x~

Kaidan stood quietly behind Shepard's left shoulder, listening to her passionate defense of their young quarian friend with both pride and concern. They had discovered when they spoke to Admiral Shala'Raan vas Tonbay that Tali's ship name had been changed, and that Raan would have to recuse herself from Tali's trial due to her close association with Tali and her father. That alone had been worrying, but what the Admirals were saying now kicked the anxiety up a notch. Something more than what Tali had explained was going on here, Kaidan thought. These weren't the words or actions of 'parents' scolding their child when she stepped out of line. It seemed they stepped off the _Normandy_ and not just onto the _Rayya_ but into a mess of quarian politics as well.

"How could Tali have brought geth to the Fleet while she was serving on the _Normandy_?" Shepard was speaking in her role as Tali's defense counsel. It was a role she had accepted with honor and pride, and that neither she nor Kaidan had been surprised to hear had been placed upon her.

"To clarify, Shepard, Tali isn't accused of bringing back entire units – only parts that could spontaneously reactivate," offered another member of the Board – Admiral Daro'Xen vas Moreh.

"But I would never send active geth to the Fleet!" Tali cried in her defense, "Everything I sent was disabled and harmless!"

"Then explain how geth seized the lab ship where your father was working!" Admiral Zaal'Koris vas Qwib Qwib broke in angrily.

Kaidan saw Tali stumble back a bit in reaction and moved swiftly to place a hand on her arm to support her. His movement went unnoticed as the quarians around them were all also reacting in shocked surprise. When Tali was steady again, she stepped back on the dais and spoke.

"What are you talking about? What happened?" Kaidan could hear a note of near-panic in her voice now and stayed behind Tali in support.

"As far as we can tell, Tali, the geth have killed everyone on the Alarei… your father included," the speaker was Admiral Han'Gerrel vas Neema and his voice was pitched low with kindness.

This time both Shepard and Kaidan reached out in support of their quarian friend and their hands nearly touched on her arm. Kaidan met Shepard's eyes through their visors and saw her small smile of gratitude and nodded in return.

Shepard turned back to the Admirals. "I appreciate the need for this trial, Admirals, but right now our first concern must be the safety of the Migrant Fleet," she told them firmly, "The _Normandy_ stands ready to assist in whatever capacity necessary."

"Thank you," Raan replied with some relief, "quarian strike teams have attempted to retake the ship, so far without success."

"Shepard, we have to take back the _Alarei_," Tali said.

"The safest course would be to simply destroy the ship," Admiral Koris broke in before Shepard could answer, "but if you're looking for an honorable death instead of exile…"

"I'm looking for my father, you bosh'tet!" Tali shot back.

"You intend to retake the _Alarei_ from the geth?" Raan cut in to be the mediator, "This proposal is extremely dangerous."

"With your permission, Admirals, yes," Shepard replied in confirmation, "The good of the Fleet must come first."

"And Tali needs to find her father," Kaidan amended sotto voice from behind the quarian and saw both Tali and Shepard – the only ones within range to hear – answer with nods but kept their backs turned to Kaidan.

"Agreed," Admiral Gerrel answered on behalf of the Board, "And if you die on this worthy mission, Tali, we will see that your name is cleared of these charges."

"We can discuss that later," Admiral Koris corrected.

"Then it is decided," Raan once again played peacemaker of the 'family', "You will attempt to retake the _Alarei_. You are hereby given leave to depart the _Rayya_. A shuttle will be waiting at the secondary docking hanger. Be safe, Tali. This hearing will resume upon your return, or upon determination that you have been killed in action."

Shepard nodded to Raan in acceptance and motioned the team out of the plaza.

~x~

After speaking with each of the Admirals – which confirmed Kaidan's suspicions that Tali's trial was more about the Admiral's disagreement on going to war with the geth than anything Tali might have done wrong – they boarded the _Alarei_. They were immediately met with geth resistance as they had anticipated, but Kaidan's and Tali's tech powers combined with Shepard's efficient command of a team she knew well made quick work of the synthetics. They proceeded cautiously through the _Alarei_, dispatching geth along the way as well as searching various logs and terminals for information that would exonerate Tali. A grim picture of Admiral Rael'Zorah's work began to take shape. Apparently he and his team were reassembling the geth parts that Tali had sent. Kaidan hoped for Tali's sake that this kangaroo court result in Shepard having to trade Rael's honor for Tali's.

They found Rael'Zorah's corpse shortly after. Kaidan stood guard as Shepard comforted Tali, and helped her accept that Rael was actually dead. Then they found his message to Tali, giving instructions for deactivating the geth, as well as his final words to his daughter. Kaidan watched as Tali strengthened in resolve and they moved on to find the console Rael had mentioned.

As they opened the door to access the console, Kaidan's sharp eyes surveyed the room ahead. "That's a Prime guarding the panel," he warned the squad.

"Yeah, I see it," Shepard confirmed. "Let's flank it… carefully. You and Tali go left and concentrate on the Prime – I'm useless on that bastard. I'll go right and handle the trash."

They nodded and put her orders in motion. As Shepard requested, Kaidan and Tali concentrated their tech skills – and guns – on the Prime and took it down together. When it was dead, they found Shepard standing triumphant amongst a pile of lesser – and equally dead – geth. The trio approached the panel in the back of the room together.

"This console is linked to the main hub Father mentioned," Tali supplied, "Disabling it will shut down any geth we missed."

As Shepard reached out and activated the panel, Tali continued, "It looks like some of the recordings remain intact. They'll tell us how this happened, what Father did."

"You sound like you don't really want to hear it," Kaidan commented.

"No," Tali replied in an anxious tone, "We have to, I know. I just… this is terrible. I don't want to know that he was part of this."

They stood together and watched the records that showed Rael'Zorah's plan and the horrific results as well as his reasons for not advising the Admiralty Board of his work.

"It sounds like he was doing this for you," Shepard offered, attempting to comfort their friend.

"I never wanted this, Shepard. Keelah, I never wanted this," Tali replied sadly. "Everything here is his fault! I tried to pretend it didn't point to him, but this… When this comes up in the trial, they'll…" She trailed off and steadied her voice then continued, "We can't tell them, not the admirals, not anyone."

Kaidan winced mentally. He understood Tali's reasons, even supported them. But she was putting Shepard in an impossible position. Kaidan knew Shepard would want to honor the quarian's wishes, but she wanted Tali cleared of charges more. And she wouldn't let Tali sacrifice herself, not even to honor Rael'Zorah's memory.

"Tali," Kaidan began gently, "without this evidence, you're looking at exile. Shepard needs this to exonerate you."

Tali turned to him. "You think I don't know that? You think I want to live knowing I could never see the Fleet again?" she questioned angrily, "but I can't go back into that room and say that my father was the worst war criminal in our people's history. I cannot."

"Rael'Zorah doesn't need you to worry about him anymore," Kaidan argued, "you heard your father say he didn't want you caught in the politics!"

"You don't understand, Kaidan," Tali replied sadly, "they would strike his name from the manifest of every ship he ever served on. He would be worse than an exile. He'd be a traitor to our people, held up for children as a monster in a cautionary tale!" Tali turned to Shepard again and pleaded, "I can't let all the good he did be destroyed for this, Shepard."

"We're not going to decide anything here," Shepard replied non-committally, "Let's see what the admirals say once we get back."

"You're my captain in this hearing, Shepard. It's your decision. But please. Don't destroy what my father was," Tali pleaded. She turned to the exit and added, "Guess we better go before they decide we're already dead and none of this matters."

Shepard nodded and led them back to the shuttle.

~x~

When they reboarded the _Rayya_, the raised voices of the Admirals reached them in the corridor outside the Conclave and confirmed Tali's guess that the Admirals would try her in absentia if they didn't return to prevent it. They hurried to the dais and took up the positions they had before just as Raan was reluctantly putting the matter to a vote.

"Sorry we're late," Tali interrupted sarcastically.

"Tali'Zorah vas Normandy saved the _Alarei_," Shepard told the Admirals, "I hope this proves her loyalty to the quarian people."

"Her loyalty was never in doubt," Admiral Koris corrected, "only her judgment."

"Perhaps Tali'Zorah can offer something to encourage more trust in her judgment?" Admiral Raan inquired.

"Yes," Admiral Gerrel added, "Did you find anything on the _Alarei_ that could clarify what happened there?"

Shepard and Tali shared a long look through their visors, then Tali pleaded, "Shepard, please…" as Shepard stepped forward to address the Board.

"Does Captain Shepard have any new evidence to submit to this hearing?" Raan asked formally.

"Tali helped me defeat Saren and the geth at the Citadel," Shepard answered, her voice ringing strongly through the assembly, "that should be all the evidence you need."

"I fail to see what relevance-" Koris began before Shepard continued, cutting him off.

"You're not really interested in Tali, are you?" she said, looking directly at Koris now, "this trial isn't about her. It's about the geth." Kaidan wasn't surprised Shepard had also drawn the same conclusions he had about quarian politics. But apparently the quarians weren't ready to give in.

"This hearing has nothing to do with the geth!" Admiral Koris countered.

"You want people to sympathize with them!" Shepard argued, "Han'Gerrel wants to go to war! None of you care about Tali! She knows more about the geth than any other quarian alive. You should be listening to her, not putting her on trial." Shepard paused to let her words sink in then began to pace back and forth on the small dais as she argued passionately, "Tali'Zorah saved the Citadel! She saved the _Alarei_! She showed the galaxy the value of the quarian people." She came to a stop in the center of the dais and paused, and her voice lowered with emphasis, "I can't think of stronger evidence than that."

For a moment, there was a tense silence as the Admirals pondered her words. Then Raan recovered first and performed her duties as mediator, "Are the Admirals prepared to render the judgment?" she asked.

Again silence prevailed as the Admirals glanced at each other, then one by one, accessed their omni-tools and entered their votes. Raan consulted her own 'tool for the result, then spoke again, "Tali'Zorah, in light of your history of service, we do not find sufficient evidence to convict. You are cleared of all charges." She spoke again, offering Shepard gifts in recognition of her service, but Shepard shook her head to decline and interrupted.

"If you appreciate me, then listen: the Reapers are coming. I'm going to need your help to defeat them." Shepard softened her tone and pleaded, "Please don't throw away your lives against the geth."

"Thank you, Commander Shepard," Koris said with some satisfaction, "I hope the Board carefully considers your advice."

"This hearing is concluded," Raan stated, "Go in peace, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Keelah se'lai."

"Keelah se'lai," the quarians in the gallery echoed.

~x~

As they walked out of the Conclave, Tali paused and turned to Shepard.

"I can't believe you pulled that off," she said wonderingly, "What you said… I've never had anyone speak like that on my behalf. Thank you for being there for my father and me. Thank you." She turned to Kaidan, and added, "I'm sorry for speaking to you that way, Kaidan…"

He placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled, "Don't worry about it, Tali, everything worked out."

"We can still go back and get you exiled," Shepard drawled.

Tali giggled and turned to her, "Thanks but I'm fine with things like this." Then she paused and added in a sly tone, "its fun watching you shout."

"That's because she wasn't shouting at you," Kaidan bantered with a mock shudder.

Tali laughed again and turned her head as something caught the corner of her vision. She turned back to Kaidan and Shepard and said, "Do you two mind if I stay here for a while? I'd like to catch up with some old friends."

Shepard shook her head and replied, "Go ahead, Tali. We'll head back to the _Normandy_ now - join us when you're done."

Shepard and Kaidan watched Tali beeline to a waiting Kal'Reegar with twin speculative grins then headed toward the _Normandy_ in companionable silence. Just before they reached the airlock Kaidan broke that silence.

"You know, Shepard," he said, his tone mock-serious, "maybe you should retire from galaxy saving. Looks like you have another promising career in law…" he started to chuckle as he saw her face blanch in horror. Then she grinned.

"Yeah I'll pass," she bantered back, "I think quarian court is the only one where they let you keep your guns and armor."

Kaidan laughed all the way through decon at the fanciful mental picture playing in his head of Shepard drawing her shotgun on an unsuspecting judge.

~x~

When they were back on board, a message from Liara was waiting for Shepard. It was short and vague to avoid Cerberus detection, but Shepard understood the meaning clearly. She plotted a course for Illium in the CIC then headed to the cockpit. She told Joker to execute the course once Tali had returned, and then she headed to the elevator to join Kaidan in their cabin.


	22. Alchera

_A/N - Quick word about DLC... I had, when I outlined the fic, planned to cover all DLC, but I've scrapped a few as I went... First, Zaeed will not appear here, simply because I couldn't find a motivation for Kaidan to be OOC enough to recruit him when he went to Omega and then time moved on... Second, Overlord would have a place in this story, but Shenko events dragged me the other way, so I left it out. Third, Arrival is always, to me, more pre-ME3 than a part of ME2 - I always play it after the Collector base, as the last thing I do before I import my save into ME3, so I would only cover it in a TTT sequel, if there is one... On a similar subject, you can assume that side missions, planet scanning, Normandy upgrades etc. go down in the TTT world as they do in game, but I'm not going to write about them...  
_

_As for the Normandy crash site, which the title probably already warned you this chapter is about, I have a hard time suspending my disbelief to go with how Bioware threw it into the original ME2 story and really couldn't make that work in TTT... so I got a different idea, because the moment is so poignant, I wanted to write it in some way... What follows is my treatment of that DLC, and I'll warn you, I cried when writing it, StoneburntHeart cried when she beta'd it, so tissue warning~ For all things ME, I credit Bioware!_

_Thanks as always to everyone for reading, following, favoriting! Gabe97, thanks so much for always dropping me a line to let me know you're still out there and enjoying!  
_

* * *

It was her moan that woke him. The sound penetrated the fog of Kaidan's slumber and after a moment of sleepy confusion, he realized Shepard was dreaming. And it didn't sound like a good one. She was tossing and turning beside him, making sounds somewhere between moan and whimper. He drew her back into his embrace, trying to soothe her and bring her out of the dream. She came awake with a start, sitting straight up in bed and nearly punching him with a flailing fist in the process. When she realized what she had nearly done, she turned to him and apologized. She was still pale and trembling, he saw, her eyes wide with shock. He brushed off her apology and drew her back into his arms.

"Wanna talk about it?" he asked her quietly once she had stopped shaking.

"Just a bad dream," she answered, trying to brush it off, "it's not important now."

"A new one? Or one of the recurring ones?" Kaidan asked, remembering the nightmares she had sometimes endured after the Prothean beacon had invaded her brain and infected it with images of blood and death. He wasn't sure she would answer. She stayed still in his arms, not speaking, but her breathing pattern told him she was still awake. He waited her out in patience, as he often did. Pushing her to talk was more likely to result in her pushing back and shutting him out. Finally, she sighed and answered him.

"Both, actually. It's not one of the Prothean ones, but one I used to have a lot. After…" her voice trailed off and she sighed again.

"After the _Normandy_?" Kaidan guessed.

"Yeah," she confirmed quietly, "For a while, I couldn't close my eyes without seeing it, without it coming back… Then, it started to happen less often. That was almost worse," she told him quietly.

"Worse?" he questioned.

"Yeah, because it felt like I was forgetting. Letting go…" she sighed again and tried to dismiss it, "Let's just go back to sleep. It hasn't happened in a while. I thought I was done with it. Sorry to wake you up."

"Shepard," Kaidan said firmly, "don't do that. I'm here now - we're together. And if that means waking up to hold you after a nightmare, it's the least I can do." He tightened his arms around her in a hug and brought his hand up to stroke her hair. "Maybe you should talk about it, get it out. Maybe we can banish it together."

"Yeah. Maybe," she replied quietly. He heard the note of uncertainty in her voice and was afraid she would dismiss it and avoid him. But she turned in his arms so that they were face to face on the same pillow, then touched her forehead to his and closed her eyes to gather herself. Once again, he waited patiently, stroking her hair until she began to speak. When she opened her eyes, he could see they were focused not on his, but within.

"The first few minutes after the escape pod landed, I didn't even think about you," she confessed quietly, bitter recrimination apparent in her voice. "There were too many things to do. Check on the rest of the crew in the pod, open coms with the other ones nearby, assess damage, sit reps… you know, Commander Shepard stuff…"

He nodded and again waited for her to continue.

"I opened the pod and walked out onto the surface – the planet is called Alchera – and it's this frozen wasteland," she shuddered with the memory, as if she could still feel the cold, even here in their warm bed. "That's when the fear hit me," she continued, "because of the cold. It was silly, but all I could think was what if you're out here in the cold, too? I needed to get to you, to find you, and make sure you were warm." She laughed a bitter laugh. "That's stupid, right? That it was the cold that worried me?"

He found he had to take a breath - then two - before he could answer her. Even now, safe and together, the thought of her in shocked panic after the crash squeezed his heart in pain. The pain was worse because he knew how the story ended. As much as he didn't want her to have to relive the memory, or cause her more pain, he knew he had to honor her by listening and giving her his support and love. So once he could speak, he answered her in a steady voice.

"When you can't handle the big stuff, you concentrate on the small details," he said matter-of-factly.

She nodded, gave him a small tremulous smile and went on. "I know it must have been loud – there were people rushing everywhere. People who were wounded. Who cried in pain. There was still debris falling, and parts of the… wreckage were on fire. Electrical shorts were sparking. So I know there must have been noise." She took a deep breath, swallowed hard, and went on, "But I couldn't hear any of it. It was silent. Isolated. The only sound I heard was my own heartbeat and my own breathing."

He watched as she closed her eyes, trying to turn away from the memory, and instead it replayed in her mind's eye. She was still for a moment, as she must have been in those seconds she was recounting, and then she opened her eyes and went on.

"I knew people needed me. They needed me to be in charge, to be Commander Shepard. But I stood there, must have been only a few minutes, but it felt like hours to me," she said shakily, "and I couldn't move. Then I saw the pieces of the _Normandy_ around us… And I walked to each section, searching. I don't know why – I knew you wouldn't be there, I hoped you wouldn't be there…" she broke off with a sob then swallowed it and forced herself to go on, "I kept finding bodies. Crew that didn't make it into the escape pods. People that we served with, we saw every day. People under my command. And every time I saw a body, collected their tags… I felt relief. What kind of leader does that make me?" she spoke now with some force, her anger at herself apparent, "I was _relieved_ because each name I read wasn't yours."

"Shepard," he said, his heart breaking for her, feeling the pain she was recounting as if it were his own, "you're only human. You're entitled to your feelings, right or wrong. And I know you grieved for them. Then and now," Kaidan drew her into his arms fully, gently pulling until she was lying on his chest. He stroked her hair again and kissed her forehead.

"There were twenty. I counted as I went. I don't know why," she paused and seemed to examine her motives, "I guess because it gave my mind something to focus on, something to do. I found Pressly's datapads, even took time to read his journal. In the middle of blood, death, pain… I was prying. I found the Mako," here she laughed in genuine humor, "stubborn bastard was fully intact. Proving that no matter what you and Garrus tried to tell me I couldn't hurt the thing just by climbing a silly mountain." She stabbed her finger into his chest to emphasize her point.

He laughed, appreciating her attempt to lighten the grim story, and mock 'ouched' at her poke. She grinned, then her face sobered and she continued.

"Once I searched all the… bodies and I didn't see any more escape pods, the panic really set in," she paused for a steadying breath. "You weren't anywhere. And Joker. And I had to find you, had to know what happened. I had to know… I picked a direction, just randomly. Stupid, I know. I should have gotten help, planned a search party, gotten in the freaking Mako, since it was sitting there ready to go. But instead, I just… walked. Trudged through the frozen snowy ground, concentrating on the sound of my boots crunching through the ice, eyes scanning, trying to peer further… I don't know how long I walked until I finally saw it. Just a dull, dim shape in the distance with the strobe flickering. I was tired, so tired, but I saw it, and my heart leapt. I ran, ran as hard as I could, even though I was tired-" her voice broke on a sob and tears streamed down her cheeks.

He brushed the tears away with gentle fingers. When that didn't stop the flow, he started kissing them away, soft gentle kisses to her cheeks, the corner of her eyes as his heart broke all over again. When she quieted enough to hear him, he spoke again, and his tone was gentle but firm, "Finish it. You know you need to finish."

She nodded and went on, her voice was stronger, but still filled with unshed tears, "I finally reached it, and I was panting, short of breath, but I yanked the door open. For a minute, I couldn't see anything… it was dark inside, outside, the emergency lights had failed. I finally heard him moan – Joker – but I didn't know it was him. I reached toward the sound, and my hand found his arm and my heart sang until my brain told me that it wasn't you. Still, it was Joker, and he was there, and this time, I was relieved for the right reason. I said his name… just his name. He must have understood. By that time, my eyes had adjusted, so I saw him shake his head. I knew right away, but I couldn't believe. I had to make him say it…" again her voice broke and she took a long minute before she could continue. "He didn't say your name. I think he knew that would break me completely. He just said 'he didn't make it.' I didn't believe him, couldn't believe him, still. So he kept repeating it…"

Kaidan held her as she sobbed. This time they weren't quiet sobs of sorrow. This time she cried as if her heart was breaking. Again. He tightened his arms around her, spoke quiet soothing noises, stroked her hair and her back and let her ride out the storm until it finally subsided. She was quiet for another long pause. Finally, she spoke again around hitching breath and hoarse throat.

"I shook him, Kaidan," she told him quietly, self-recrimination coloring her tone again, "the man with fragile, brittle bones – my friend – and I shook him like a ragdoll. Because I couldn't hear what he was saying, didn't want to hear it. So I shook him, trying to make him stop. Trying to make it not true. They told me later – much later after we were back on the Citadel, after the rescue - that I broke three of his ribs. Even then, I didn't feel bad."

He shushed her again, and waited her out.

"I don't remember anything after that. I know from the reports how long we were there until the Alliance S&R team recovered us. I know that camps were made, shelters were formed. But I don't remember any of it. It's just a blank, black blur," she paused again, thinking, and continued, "even after we got to the Citadel, there are pieces missing. Whole days, probably. And the ones I do remember… There were days I didn't even get out of bed. The day of your memorial service. I stood there, staring, not looking at anything, because I all I could see was the silent frozen wasteland of Alchera. I didn't even cry. I'm sure people thought I was brave. Those who knew about us anyway. I guess the rest thought I was just stoic Commander Shepard. Only I knew that I didn't cry because I couldn't. If I let myself go, I knew I'd never come back. I didn't cry until your mom did."

Kaidan stared at her in shock, speechless for a moment. Then he asked, surprise still coloring his voice, "You met my mom? My parents?"

"Yeah," Shepard said with a smile of affection on her face now, "they were there, at the memorial, but I didn't really speak to them. I couldn't at that point. But a few weeks after, when I was still on the Citadel and I could think again, I decided to go to Earth to meet them. I figured I owed it to you, and I wanted to hold on to you, to see where you came from. They're amazing people, Kaidan."

"That they are," he said with an answering smile.

"Your mom took one look at me - she recognized me from the service - and she held out her arms to me. I ran into them, and I finally let go. We cried together," she told him. Then she looked at him in curiosity, "I never asked her… Did she know? Did you tell her?"

"No," he answered, shaking his head, "my Mom's just like that. She knows stuff without you having to say."

"She'd have to, with you as her son," Shepard grinned, giving him a light shove. "I stayed with them-" she caught herself and cut the words off.

Kaidan guessed at what she was saying. "That's where you've been? With my parents on Earth?" he asked curiously, "they told me you'd disappeared for two years."

"On and off," she confirmed, "in between some small missions with the Alliance. I just… I couldn't face things. They gave me something of you, so I didn't have to do it alone. I love them so much. And we needed each other. We got through… things together."

Kaidan could hear the love for his parents shining in her voice and he felt his heart swell with love that she had found a bond with them, comforted herself with their mutual love. It touched him that she had been there for his parents as much as they had been for her.

"Thank you," he said to her.

"I did it for-" she started to say until his finger on her lips cut her off.

"Thank you," he repeated, firmly. Then he took his finger away and replaced it with his lips. He meant it to be a kiss of gratitude, of tribute. And at first it was. Just a gentle, quiet benediction. But she sighed under his lips and opened her mouth, deepening the contact, and he followed her. He knew she needed the tangible, the physical reminder of life after the harrowing recount of death. He kissed her with gentle passion, putting all his love, all of his new life into every touch. Finally, the embers that always burned between them roared to life in the fire of passion, and they reveled in it. They came together in the ultimate celebration of the victory of love over death.

She slept peacefully in his arms the rest of the night, and their love kept the dreams at bay.


	23. The Right Thing

_A/N - I'll be playing around with canon quite a bit in this fic, this chapter is another example of that. Hope you don't mind my version! For those of you who are interested, there is a new chapter of TTT - The Outtakes that syncs with this one, I'll be posting it as soon as this is up! As always, all credit goes to Bioware for the incredible ME universe~  
_

_Thanks so much Letticiae, Gabe97, eve, and Lyv for reviewing! I'm glad to know that 'Alchera' was well-received, it was a tough chapter to write, but one I'm very proud of! Thanks to everyone else out there for continuing to read, follow, favorite :-) Your support keeps me at my keyboard!_

_StoneburntHeart is my awesome beta, (as you know by now) and I'm so thankful for all her help!_

* * *

Kaidan woke the next morning to the rich scent of fresh coffee wafting through his nostrils. He took a deep breath of the wonderful aroma and then opened his eyes to see Shepard, already dressed and holding a tray with both the coffee and a covered dish, sitting on the side of their bed. He sat up a bit against the pillows and took the cup she handed him. He sipped carefully at the hot liquid, and then he couldn't resist another sip when the flavor of good coffee – not the standard ship-board fare – hit his delighted taste buds. He moaned a bit in gastric pleasure. He set the cup on the bedside table and turned back to Shepard, his brow raised.

"Not that I'm complaining," he told her with a smile, "but what's this?"

"Coffee from my special stash," she said with a gesture of her head toward the cup, "and breakfast from Gardner's special stash that I only had to twist his arm a little to give up." She lifted the cover from the dish on the tray with a flourish and revealed his ideal breakfast. Perfectly scrambled eggs were piled to the side of seared Canadian bacon, and accompanied what looked like real hash browns. Nestled among the wonders of a real breakfast from his home country were perfectly toasted points of bread. His stomach loved her as much as the rest of him in that moment. Maybe more.

He took the plate she offered him and couldn't resist taking a large bite of fluffy eggs. He closed his eyes in enjoyment. Then he smiled at her again and asked, "Again, no complaints, because this is truly wonderful," and he kissed her softly to emphasize his point, "but don't you have more important things to do than deliver breakfast in bed?"

He went back to eating as Shepard climbed back on to the bed beside him, sporting her own tray which was also piled high with fresh food. Falling in love with another biotic meant he never had to explain his caloric requirement. Just another benefit as far as he was concerned. She took a sip of coffee and a bite of her own food before she stopped eating. She stared into her plate and mumbled an answer to his question.

"We won't reach Illium till this afternoon, and I wanted to do something for you," Shepard said quietly. "I woke you up in the middle of the night and cried all over you. And _you_ were the one that died. And _you_ were the one that had to comfort _me_."

Kaidan carefully set aside his still-full plate without even a twinge of regret, and then did the same for hers. He drew her into his arms before he replied quietly, "Shepard, I may have been the one that died, but you were the one that lived. Sometimes that's harder. Having to go on." He stroked her hair quietly in comfort.

"You died because I didn't stand up to you, didn't order you into the damn escape pod," she said with bitter regret.

"Sshh," Kaidan soothed, "you can't second guess things. I wasn't about to let you run off after Joker, and you didn't have time to argue about it."

"Maybe," she said grudgingly, "but…"

He kissed her to cut off her words. "Would you rather it had been me?" he asked, "searching the bodies on that frozen ground, looking for you?"

"When you put it that way…" she answered with a wry smile. She sobered again and continued, "We never talk about it. Your death. How you feel about it."

Kaidan took a moment to collect his thoughts and decide how to phrase his answer. Although the dying part didn't affect him as much as perhaps it should – he was practical, and it didn't make sense to him to dwell on his death when he was alive now – there were issues that caused him pain surrounding his resurrection. He just didn't want to do more damage than good and cause her more pain if he revealed them. Finally, he thought back to the woman he had held last night, sharing her deepest pain in brutal honesty, and decided he owed her the same in return.

"The dying part doesn't really hurt," he started quietly, "I mean being spaced wasn't fun, but it was quick. I thought of you… and drifted off. It's the waking back up that causes me pain. Not because I'm alive," he hurried to add when she stirred, "but because of the circumstances. Being brought back – and with a leash - only as a tool against you… your own personal sword of Damocles… that's the worst. Since the first time we met, and then even more after Eden Prime, I promised myself I'd do anything to protect you. Even if it meant killing again, like I did Vyrnnus. For Rahna. Because I realized that you mean more to me than any stupid teenage crush. And if it had been you I'd killed Vyrnnus for, I probably wouldn't have had a moment's regret. And Cerberus… they used that against me. Almost destroyed us in the process…" he trailed off, unsure of her reaction.

She was still for a moment and he could almost hear her thinking. "I don't _need_ you to protect me," she finally said, "but I understand it. When you love someone, you do anything you can to stand between them and harm. I get that."

Kaidan nodded, glad that she understood what he was saying. "Yeah, you do," he confirmed, "You don't think about it, you just do it. It's…" he searched for a word.

"Instinct," Shepard filled in helpfully.

"Right," he confirmed, "instinct. And Cerberus took that from me, they used it to get to you. So it's not the dying… it's the coming back, under those circumstances, that hurts."

Shepard was quiet again for a long moment. Finally, she straightened and reached for her plate again. "We'll figure it out," she told him before she began to eat, "now let's eat before this excellent breakfast gets cold."

"Hmmm," he replied around a mouthful of his own food. Then he had another thought and swallowed before he asked, "how long before we reach Illium?"

She grinned, reading his meaning loud and clear, and answered, "About 6 hours… but eat fast anyway."

He stopped slowly savoring his delicious breakfast and complied with her request.

~x~

Shepard stood in Liara's office later that afternoon impatient for her friend to get to the point. She knew they had left things on a bad note, and she regretted it, but she had tunnel vision. She needed to ensure Kaidan's safety. ASAP. Their conversation over breakfast had driven that point home clearer than ever before.

"Shepard," Liara composed herself and tried again, "I wanted to say how sorry I am that I hurt you. The things I did… I may have been wrong, but I had the best of intentions. For what it's worth, I did try to get them to change their plans once I delivered his body. " She looked down at her clasped hands and sighed.

Shepard had always been fond of Liara – she considered her family, almost like a little sister she never had. She had a soft spot for the asari and seeing her so downcast now touched that spot. It helped that things had gone so well with Kaidan lately, though she felt small for admitting it to herself. But, she was happy now, even if the danger still existed, and Liara had something to do with that. She could afford to be generous and give a little. She walked closer to her old friend and took her hands in hers. She waited until Liara met her eyes then she spoke softly, sincerely.

"Liara, I know you meant well, and part of me thanks you, because I'm overjoyed to have Kaidan back," she paused and saw the change her words made in Liara, "but you have to understand. We're both in a bad situation. A lousy one. And we could both die. And it's all because of Cerberus." She saw Liara cringe again at the criticism and sighed, her voice softened, "But I shouldn't have taken that out on you."

"No," Liara replied softly, "I know part of the reason you're in that mess is my fault. I'll never forgive myself for it."

"If you can help me now," Shepard said, knowing that Liara wanted to earn the forgiveness, "that would go a long way towards making amends."

Liara nodded and stepped back, her manner was brisk and business-like. She moved to her desk terminal and accessed the records that she had prepared.

"Miranda Lawson," Liara began her report, "was created through genetic engineering by her 'father.' She is the result of a long line of experimental clones of Dr. Henry Lawson. He apparently discarded the ones he considered imperfect until Miranda was created. Because she was finally a success, her genetic information was preserved, and Dr. Lawson repeated the experiment 16 years later, after Miranda rebelled and left him. Shepard, she has a twin sister."

"Twins sixteen years apart?" Shepard asked with a raised brow.

"Yes, well, it's unusual, but they are genetically identical." Liara continued, "Miranda kidnapped her twin when Oriana was only a baby, and placed her with a foster family. Apparently, she wanted to give her sister a chance to be raised in a good, loving family, away from Dr. Lawson. Oriana is now 19. I've found out that an old friend of Miranda's – his name is Niket – is intending to return Oriana to Dr. Lawson. He discovered Miranda's kidnapping and thinks he is doing the right thing. What he doesn't know is that he's being manipulated by Eclipse mercenaries in the employ of Dr. Lawson himself."

"So Miranda's sister is in danger, and Miranda loves her sister," Shepard summarized.

"It would appear so," Liara confirmed.

"Ok, I get all that, and it will help," Shepard said, nodding. "The part I don't understand is Miranda Lawson is 35?" she gave a low whistle and a grin, "That's some serious genetic engineering."

Liara laughed, "It is indeed."

Shepard sobered again and straightened in her chair, "Listen, Liara, I really appreciate this. I can work with this… But we could really use you on the _Normandy_. I know it's a lot to ask, and the mission is very dangerous-"

"Shepard," Liara cut her off, raising her hand, "If I could, you wouldn't have to ask, and I wouldn't care about the danger. But there's something I have to do. I have a friend, he's in danger, might be killed, and I need to be here. I'm trying to find the information so that I can save him. Shepard, he was taken while I was retrieving Kaidan's body. It's my fault that Feron is in danger, too."

"Ok, Liara, I get that," Shepard replied, "and if you find that information, let me know. You'll need help to get him out of danger."

"You have problems of your own," Liara replied with a small smile, "but thank you."

"Liara," Shepard said in a more commanding tone, "we're just running around the galaxy doing errands until Cerberus gets us information on the Reaper IFF. Let me know when you find the information and I will help."

"Alright, thank you," Liara nodded, "Shepard, one more thing before you go. I've received reports that there's an asari justicar here on Illium. Justicars are powerful biotics that adhere to a strong moral code. But they can be swayed by hopeless causes. Perhaps you can convince her to join you."

"Well, she's not my first choice for asari biotics," Shepard laughed, "But she does sound like a perfect candidate for a suicide mission."

"Yes, I thought you might agree that she would be a good addition to your team," Liara said with a smile, "I'll forward the information to you immediately."

~x~

As soon as Shepard stepped out of decon into the _Normandy_, she questioned EDI on Kaidan's whereabouts. She was informed he was in Engineering, and she found him chatting with Tali. She barely took the time to greet the quarian before she took Kaidan's hand and drew him bodily to the elevator. She was simmering with impatience during the short elevator ride and could barely wait until their cabin door shut behind them to speak. When they were safe from prying eyes and ears, finally, she turned to Kaidan with a huge triumphant grin.

He immediately jumped to a conclusion. Unfortunately the wrong one. "Again?" he questioned with a cocky grin, "It's only been a few hours… but ok," and he reached to pull her into his arms and met resistance.

"Not that," she said pushing at him, too excited to think about what she was saying. Then she caught herself and added, "at least not now." She continued in a rush to get everything out, "Kaidan, we have her! Finally. We can fix this."

He stared at her in utter confusion and asked, "Shepard? What's going on? What are you talking about?"

She took a deep breath and replied, "Right. Start from the beginning. Ok, so you know I had Liara – she's an information broker now – digging for data on Cerberus and Miranda?"

"I take it she had something for you?" At her nod, he went on speculatively, "Guess our little Prothean expert is all grown up now," and he laughed softly.

"That she is," Shepard confirmed, returning his smile. She had decided to leave the information about Liara's role in Kaidan's resurrection out for now. It was a much longer and more painful discussion than she wanted to have at the moment. After their breakfast conversation, she was aware that Kaidan would likely feel betrayed – as she had - by Liara and she really didn't want any of them to suffer more. "And yes, she had information about Miranda…" she trailed off, unsure of how to explain her plan. She wasn't sure he would… approve, even if he wanted the end result as much as she.

"Ok," Kaidan nodded for her to continue.

"Kaidan," Shepard spoke quickly now, trying to lay her plan out quickly before he could object, "Miranda has a little sister. She's her genetic twin, created by their father in some brutal experiment. A clone. And Miranda has tried to protect her sister since the girl was born. She's in danger now. It's perfect. I can use this, to convince Miranda to get that _thing_ out of your head. I won't have to worry about you anymore."

Kaidan looked at her in shock and disbelief as the plan she was saying, and the implications of it, sank into his brain. He took a moment to carefully consider his words before he spoke. "Shepard, you're planning to blackmail Miranda with the life of an innocent girl in order to convince her to un-leash me?" he restated in the hopes that hearing her plan summarized in such naked terms would help her see her mistake. Instead, he saw her nod vigorously.

"Yes," she told him, her excitement growing, "I finally have the leverage I need to convince her to help."

Kaidan knew that her motivation was love and the desire to protect him. But he still couldn't reconcile that the hero he knew would consider such harsh methods.

"Shepard," Kaidan said quietly, "If you use this information this way, if you do this, you're sinking to Miranda's level. You'd be no better than Cerberus."

"How can you say that?" she replied defensively although she wasn't shocked by his reaction, "I'm doing this to protect you - because I love you."

He took both of her hands in his and lifted her chin to meet his gaze before he said, "I know that, and I love you for wanting to do that." He paused and looked into her eyes, thinking about what words would convince her. "Do you remember when you came to me after Garrus asked you to assassinate Sidonis?" He waited until she nodded and continued, "You knew you couldn't sink to that level, even if you wanted to help your friend. This is no different. You can't afford to become Miranda - even if it's with a noble goal in mind."

Shepard studied his eyes as she thought about what he said. She had known, in the back of her mind, that he wouldn't agree, she had just hoped to convince him. But she also knew that she had also hoped for him to convince her. She had the same misgivings - she was just more willing to live in the gray than he was. Especially if it meant protecting him. Making sure he was safe. Knowing that Cerberus couldn't use him against her anymore. But he was her moral compass, and she trusted him above anyone else, even herself. She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly.

"Ok, you're right," she conceded. "But what now?"

"Now we find a better way to go about this," he told her after a kiss of gratitude.

"What do you mean?" Shepard asked quietly.

"From what you said, it doesn't sound like Miranda has had an easy life," Kaidan pointed out gently, "and her only role models have been an egomaniac father and the Illusive Man. That would warp anyone's morality. Maybe she needs to see that there's something better out there? Show her why she _should_ help, rather than blackmail her into it. And save an innocent life in the process. That's what the Commander Shepard I know would do."

She studied his face quietly for a few moments, thinking about what he'd said. When she replied, it was quiet, sure, but carried a tinge of embarrassment. "Alright, Kaidan, we'll do it your way."

~x~

Shepard took some time to carefully study the information Liara sent on both Oriana Lawson and the justicar – Samara – before she sought out her self-proclaimed XO in Miranda's office on the crew deck. Since everyone on board knew it was a title in name only, and that Kaidan actually performed the XO duties, Shepard hadn't argued with Miranda over it. There were only so many battles she had been willing to fight with the other woman, and since she tried to spend as little time in Miranda's presence as possible, that wasn't one of them. She recognized the bitter path her thoughts were taking and made an effort to head them off. That type of thinking would not be conducive to either the conversation she needed to have nor the monumental task of somehow convincing Miranda to help them. She took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders, garnered her resolve, checked her temper, and reached out to knock on the closed door.

"Shepard," Miranda said in surprise when she saw her enter. Then she arched a brow when Shepard simply sat in the chair opposite her desk without correcting her informal address, "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Let's not kid ourselves that this is pleasure, Miranda," Shepard gritted out, and then she reminded herself to play nice. "Actually, I'm here to do you a favor," she told Miranda.

Miranda simply waited her out, brows still arched.

"I've received information that you'll want to hear," Shepard began then tried to find a way to break it gently, "about your sister."

"Ah yes, your information broker asari friend… Despite your efforts to block surveillance, I still keep track of things…" Miranda broke off her patronizing rant as the rest of Shepard's words struck her full force. "My sister?" she questioned in a breathless voice.

"Liara says she's in danger. That an old friend of yours – Niket - has discovered her location and is trying to return her to your father," Shepard summarized. "Apparently he thinks he's doing what's right for Oriana but it's your father that is manipulating him."

"Ori…" Miranda said with tears welling in her eyes. Shepard had to look away. She was happy to know that Kaidan's suspicions of Miranda having more humanity than appearances indicated confirmed, but it was still too difficult to see the naked emotion displayed on her nemesis' face. When she returned her gaze to Miranda, the other woman had composed herself and her shoulders were set in resolve. "We need to get to her first," Miranda said firmly.

"And that's why I'm here," Shepard said, handing over the datapad with Oriana's information.

They worked together for the next hour to plan the rescue mission. Surprisingly, there were no harsh words or bitter sniping from either woman.

When Shepard stood to leave, Miranda stopped her exit with a quiet succinct question, "Shepard, why?"

Shepard understood the simple question and gave Miranda an equally short reply, "Because it's the right thing to do." She left Miranda's office to put their plan in action.


	24. A Different Way

_A/N - oops there goes ME2 canon out the window for this chapter... I've pretty much rewritten Miranda's loyalty mission completely for my own purposes here ;-) Since I'm giving you alpha-heroic Kaidan in exchange, hope you like it :-) Despite my heavy editing, all things ME belong to Bioware~_

_Thanks eve, Letticiae, and Gabe97 for reviewing... I can never express how much it means to me that you take the time to let me know how I'm doing, but TTT is now a 217 page, 100k+ word doc and getting those review notifications helps keep me motivated to write more! To everyone else that is reading, following, favoriting - seeing that hit counter rise is incentive as well, so thanks!_

_There are not just one but two chapters of Outtakes that follow this part of TTT - so head over there if you wanna read what Shenko does in their downtime!_

_You all know how grateful I am to my beta, StoneburntHeart, by now, but it wouldn't be my A/N unless I said it again!_

* * *

Shepard, Miranda, and Kaidan met Liara's contact, Lanteia, outside the transport depot on Illium.

"Good," the asari said as they approached her, "the situation is becoming critical. Niket discovered the Eclipse mercenary's involvement and he's now in a standoff with the merc's leader on the top of the transit tower."

"Is my sister safe?" Miranda questioned in a worried tone.

"Niket's protecting the girl and her family for now, but the leader has called in reinforcements and he won't be able to hold out much longer," Lanteia reassured, "I thought I'd have to call in the authorities before you got here, which might have made things worse."

"We'll handle it," Shepard confirmed, "What's our best access?"

"We can't get you directly on the roof," Lanteia answered, "the mercs up there have heavy weapons and they'd shoot down any transport before it could land. Niket's only holding out because he's got good cover."

"So we need to go in from the bottom and climb to the roof?" Kaidan summarized grimly.

"Yeah, and pick your way through the merc reinforcements along the way," Lanteia didn't sound any happier. "If you can unlock the central elevator, you might be able to get to the top before the reinforcements, but resistance is going to be heavy."

"Understood," Shepard replied with a crisp nod. "Let's head out."

~x~

They arrived outside the transit center just as an aircar full of mercs did. As the passengers unloaded, Shepard motioned her squad into cover behind the ever-present storage crates that were stacked outside the entrance. Miranda grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Shepard, if these mercs are working for my father, they'll be under orders to keep me alive," Miranda told her quietly when Shepard raised a brow. "Perhaps I can talk to them and get information on the situation." She stepped forward out of cover to put word to action.

Kaidan shook his head as he stood up from his position crouched behind a crate as well. "Always with the talking," he muttered.

"I don't expect this to be any different than the usual," Shepard agreed, "but let her try. Just watch that sentinel." She motioned to the leader of the group they approached, who had activated his tech armor.

"Affirmative," Kaidan confirmed sharply as he raised his own barrier.

"I'm Miranda Lawson," she spoke to the sentinel they had identified as leader, "Dr. Henry Lawson's daughter."

"Yeah, the kidnapper," the merc leader shot back unimpressed, "Guess you're here for the girl, too?"

"This doesn't involve you," Miranda responded, "I suggest you take your mercs and go."

Kaidan risked looking away from his target long enough to shoot a raised brow to Shepard. She shrugged and motioned his eyes forward again.

"Think you've got it all lined up, huh?" the merc leader said to Miranda, "Captain Enyala's already in position. She's got your friend Niket pinned down. It won't be long before she has the kid. So don't do anything stupid. You walk away now, the girl goes back to her father, and everybody's happy."

"Everyone but me and my sister," Miranda said, flaring her biotics.

"I think that's our cue," Shepard commented to Kaidan as she ducked back into cover.

"Finally," he muttered, moving to position himself.

Miranda threw a warp at the sentinel and Kaidan followed up with a pull. They aimed smg and assault rifle fire on the target as he was suspended in the mass effect field, and he fell to the ground dead. Shepard concentrated on the flunkies, using her standard charge-nova-shotgun combo to dispatch them quickly. Once the mercs were toast, the squad entered the building.

They picked their way through corridors filled with more crates – and Eclipse mercs – until they reached an auxiliary elevator. When the doors opened, they noticed one of the mercs had dropped their radio. Kaidan picked it up, already opening his omni-tool. "I'll hack this and patch us in so we can keep track of them," he explained as he worked.

While he was busy, Shepard turned to Miranda. "Why does your father want Oriana back so badly?" she asked.

"My father… if you can call him that," Miranda answered in a distant tone, "grew me in a lab. I was an experiment. An attempt to extend his life, perhaps. A search for genetic perfection. So he used his own DNA to make me. But even though I was considered a success, he was never happy. I could never please him." She laughed a little bitterly, "I suppose it's not much different than the stories of other girls and their fathers, if you remove the more sinister aspects. And like many young girls in that situation, I rebelled. I left him and ran away. So he took my genetic material and grew my sister. As a replacement I guess. Then I took Oriana from him as well. I don't know if he can't stand the thought of me beating him twice or he's just desperate for an ego boost – physical proof of his success – but never kid yourself that he's doing it out of any sentimental feelings for Oriana."

Despite their differences, Shepard couldn't help but feel sympathy for Miranda. She had given the entire recitation in a dull, lifeless tone that conveyed more emotion by lack of it than animation would. Clearly, this woman had suffered and her life experiences had formed her into the person she was today. Miranda had been easier to hate when she was just a symbol, a representation of the evil that was Cerberus, but now Shepard saw her as a human, a woman. She wasn't about to forgive Miranda for the things she had done to Kaidan, but that didn't mean that she couldn't be human in return. She placed a supportive hand on Miranda's arm and waited until their eyes met.

"Miranda, you did the right thing getting Oriana away from your father," Shepard said quietly, "and we'll get to her in time." Miranda nodded quietly and Shepard turned to Kaidan. "How's it coming, Lieutenant?"

Kaidan nodded and handed the radio to her. They listened to the radio chatter and determined that Eclipse was aware of their arrival and moving to cut off access to the elevator at each floor.

"Sounds like we're going the long way," Shepard commented, accessing her omni-tool to review the building specs. "Looks like we can make our way through the cargo processing yard to the central elevator. Hopefully we can handle the resistance there and it'll take us to the top."

"We'll be moving through conveyor systems in the cargo processing yard," Miranda cut in, "Finding targets will be difficult."

Kaidan studied the blueprints on his own omni-tool. "I don't see a better way, Commander," he confirmed Shepard's plan.

"Then we'll just have to stay sharp," Shepard added. Before the squad moved out, she grabbed Miranda's arm again to get her attention. "Miranda, one more thing…"

"Yes, Shepard?" the other woman questioned impatiently.

Shepard met Kaidan's eyes and saw that he had guessed her intention. He shook his head at her, but she continued anyway, "If you even think about using the leash, I'm done. Your sister can go back to your father."

Miranda studied her eyes for a long moment before she sighed and relented. "I won't do anything to risk my sister's life, Commander," she replied with some emphasis.

"Good, then we understand each other," Shepard said with a nod and released her hold on Miranda's arm, "Let's move out."

~x~

The cargo processing area proved to be as challenging as Miranda warned. The layout once again inhibited Shepard's usual tactics and she found herself more often than not providing covering fire as the other two biotics worked in sync to remove threats. She was impressed that the two sentinels worked in such sync despite their differences and the squad progressed steadily toward their target despite the landscape. The situation was made tenser by the reports over the hacked radio. Apparently some merc reinforcements had gotten through and Niket's position was vulnerable.

When they reached the central elevator and the doors closed behind them, Shepard turned to consult with her squad.

"We're going to be sitting ducks when these doors open again, so we need to get to cover ASAP. We'll assess the sit rep once we're safe," when she received nods of confirmation from Miranda and Kaidan, she pressed the button on the control panel and set the elevator in motion. The car began its slow ascent to the top floor.

After only a few moments, Miranda's impatient frustration got the better of her. "Damn it, why won't this thing go faster?" she questioned rhetorically as she smashed her omni-tool into the panel in a futile effort to affect the mechanism.

Shepard placed a hand on Miranda's arm once again, this time to calm her, and then spoke quietly to the other woman. "It can't be easy," she mused rhetorically, "knowing that someone you love is in danger, feeling helpless to save them." Then she met Miranda's eyes and went on, "But we will get there in time, Miranda."

Since Miranda was not dumb, she clearly understood Shepard's double meaning. She had the grace to look abashed and even blushed a bit before she said, "Thank you, Shepard. I know I've given you no reason to do this."

"I told you why I'm doing this, Miranda," Shepard replied, meeting Kaidan's eyes this time and seeing his nod of support, "because protecting Oriana is the right thing. She's the innocent in all of this." The elevator chimed to indicate the floor before the top and Shepard went into combat mode. "Let's get ready," she called to the team.

The doors opened a moment later and chaos reigned. Shepard quickly rolled to cover, dodging shots along the way and saw Kaidan and Miranda mirroring her actions through her peripheral vision. Once everyone was safe – for now – her experienced eyes scanned the battlefield. She adjusted position so that she would be close enough to deliver her orders to her squad.

"Ok, we've got Niket pinned down in the northeast quadrant, protecting Oriana and her family, and Captain Enyala is bunkered in the northwest, and advancing. And a whole sea of Eclipse between us and either position." On nods of confirmation from Kaidan and Miranda, she continued, "if we advance up the middle, we'll get torn apart by Enyala's snipers, so I think we need to flank to the east and try to advance to Niket. Carefully. Once we join him, we can team up and take the mercs down. Questions, objections, or comments?"

"Just one," Kaidan replied with a grin, "let's kick some ass."

Shepard grinned back. "Agreed, Lieutenant," she said before she rolled out of position toward the nearest cover on the right.

The mercs closest to them in the central area noticed her movement and rushed to follow. Kaidan and Miranda combined biotics and firepower to eliminate the threat before they too rolled in Shepard's direction. They continued that way, progressing steadily, leapfrogging each other, until they approached Niket's position. Shepard halted them behind a wall just outside the overturned wreckage Niket was using as his cover.

"Miranda," she said to get the other woman's attention, "we can't afford friendly fire here. Niket knows you, right?"

Miranda nodded, understanding Shepard's train of thought. "I'll get his attention, but we're going to alert Enyala and her mercs too."

"Kaidan and I will give you a distraction," Shepard replied grimly, "just make sure Niket doesn't shoot us." She turned to Kaidan and laid out her plan. "I'm going to charge that last group of mercs right in front of Niket," she said pointing, "and take out as many as I can. You'll cover me until Miranda makes sure we're safe from Niket."

"Commander," Kaidan objected with alarm, "you'll be a sitting duck out there!"

"Only until you pull me back, Lieutenant," Shepard replied with a grin. "My barrier should hold until then," she added.

"I'll reinforce it with my own biotics and make sure it does," Kaidan replied, resigned to her crazy plan.

"Can you hold a barrier on both of us at that distance?" Shepard asked in surprise.

Kaidan wasn't sure he could. He had certainly never tried it. But he also knew that if it came down to a choice, he'd hold her barrier and drop his. She didn't need to know any of that, though, so instead he simply nodded.

They put plan to action. Kaidan raised his barrier and extended it to encompass Shepard as well. Miranda tensed and waited for her cue, and then Shepard took off at inhuman speed in a flare of biotic power toward her targets. Kaidan ducked out of cover, spraying rifle fire at the snipers across from them to force them to keep their heads down, and discovered that he could hold the barrier. With effort. But since it shouldn't be long before Miranda gave them the clear, the plan would work. During reloads, he kept an eye on Shepard, alternating shotgun blasts and flares of her biotics to dispatch the clutch of mercs around her. Finally, Miranda got Niket's attention and read his recognition. She dropped back into cover and signaled Kaidan her success.

"Drop the barrier," she said in his ear, "it's causing you too much strain. You won't be able to pull her."

"Can't leave her out there naked," Kaidan argued.

"I'll handle her barrier," Miranda told him, "you just get her back here."

Kaidan nodded and dropped the barrier and watched Miranda's replace his. While Miranda moved to better position to take over cover fire, he readied a mass effect field and steadied it then he threw it out till it encompassed Shepard. He began to retract her gently and steadily, gritting his teeth with the effort of control. Pull was usually an offensive maneuver and the biotic performing it didn't have to concern themselves with velocity or force. He was one of the rare combat biotics that had the control to manage it, and he knew Shepard was aware of that when she created her plan. Still, being locked helplessly in another person's mass effect field and potentially tossed around like a rag doll was a serious act of trust for any soldier – and fellow biotic – and Kaidan was humbled by it. He took special care to make sure that trust wasn't misplaced and breathed a quiet sigh of relief when Shepard returned to his side, safely. She immediately bumped her helmet to his in their traditional gesture of solidarity in combat and grinned.

"Nice pull, Lieutenant," she told him, "I barely felt it."

"Glad to be of service, ma'am," he answered with a bit of a blush at her praise.

"Ok, let's get to Niket," Shepard said, gesturing toward the man's position.

They performed the leapfrog maneuver one more time and rolled behind Niket's cover. Miranda tearfully reunited with her sister, who was huddling with her parents in the very back of the wreckage, shaken and scared but unharmed. Shepard and Kaidan made acquaintance with Niket and assessed the situation. Shepard was alarmed to see that the man had two wounds, one in his arm that had already been bound, and one in his shoulder that was still bleeding profusely. Kaidan moved in to attend to the man's wounds, applying medi-gel to close the graze on the arm and slowed the bleeding in the other wound. Still, Niket was pale and shaking from blood loss and Shepard read the grim expression on Kaidan's face. If they didn't get Niket out of there – ASAP - it would be too late. She motioned to Miranda and they huddled together to plan.

"We need to get these people out of here, and fast," Shepard began. "Since we're not going to repeat that little piece of insanity we just pulled off - and I can't charge with those snipers still standing - they need to go first. None of us is trained as a sniper, so what are our alternatives?"

"I think Kaidan and I can combine pulls to knock them off their perches," Miranda said, and after Kaidan nodded in confirmation, she went on, "but we'll only be able to handle them one by one and there's three."

"I have a sniper rifle," Niket cut in weakly, "now that my shoulder and arm are stabilized, I can get to another one."

"Negative," Shepard snapped at Niket. "You're still wounded and you've lost too much blood. I can't risk you leaving cover."

"Commander," Niket said, and this time his voice was stronger, "it's my fault that Oriana is in this position. Let me help."

"I know you meant well, Niket," Miranda said softly, "you don't need to sacrifice yourself-"

"Miri," Niket cut her off with a hand on her arm, "I love you both like you're my own family. Please, let me make this right," he finished pleadingly.

Miranda held his eyes for a long moment, her own filling with tears, before she turned to Shepard and nodded. Shepard nodded back. They were out of options, and it was more Miranda's decision, so she'd let it stand.

"Ok, Kaidan and Miranda handle the sniper to the right, Niket get the center one, and I'll keep enough cover fire on the left and Enyala to keep them down. Hopefully," Shepard ordered.

The four readied their weapons and biotics and lined up their targets. Three things happened simultaneously. Kaidan and Miranda successfully suspended their sniper in their combined pull, and then dispatched it easily with weapons. Niket executed a perfect head shot to the center sniper and it fell dead behind its perch. And Shepard sprayed incendiary ammo over the heads of Enyala and the far right sniper, but Enyala didn't react the way they had anticipated. Instead, the merc captain didn't duck into cover, but brought her own rifle up and sprayed return fire – directly at Niket.

Shepard saw Niket fall dead beside her, multiple wounds to his torso, in the same instant as she reacted and charged Enyala. She didn't think about the third sniper, knowing that Kaidan and Miranda would adjust and remove that threat. She hit the merc captain with the full force of her charge, but didn't destroy the woman's barrier completely. Shepard roared in rage as Enyala brought her shotgun up to fire, and hit the woman with a full biotic punch, knocking the shotgun out of the captain's hands. Shepard continued to pound at her, using nothing more than her biotically charged fists until the woman lay dead at her feet. She bent over, heaving in breath, and ignored the pain from the minor wounds Enyala had inflicted until Kaidan approached her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

She stood straight and met his eyes through their visors. "Niket?" she asked him quietly, although she already knew the answer.

He shook his head then spoke quietly. "Miranda and Oriana are with him. I wanted to give them a moment."

Shepard nodded and leaned against him a bit. She was limping now, as they moved back toward Miranda and Oriana, but she waved off Kaidan's concern. "It's fine, just a graze to my thigh," she told him.

"You know, Commander," Kaidan said jauntily, "Jack's right – you are a crazy bitch."

She chuckled a bit and replied, "Yeah, but I'm _your_ crazy bitch."

Tension relieved, they made their way back to Miranda and her sister.

~x~

Back on the _Normandy_, Kaidan insisted on tending to Shepard's minor wounds and bruises himself. They had left Miranda on Illium to give her time to catch up with her sister. He had just finished his first aid when they heard a knock on their cabin door. Both of them called entry at the same time and shared a grin. They sobered and straightened when they saw Miranda enter the room.

She walked over and took a seat on the couch across from where they were on the bed. "Shepard," she began slowly, "I don't know what to say. You had no reason to help me – even to help Oriana – and to put yourself in danger like that for someone you didn't even know." She laughed a little ironically and then went on, "I guess everything the Illusive Man has said about you is true. And then some." She paused again and sighed, "I don't know if I can ever repay you."

"Yes you can," Shepard said simply and waited for Miranda to catch up.

"You want me to turn my back on Cerberus, on the Illusive Man," Miranda filled in dryly. "Is that why you did this?"

"No," Shepard said firmly. "It was the reason I asked Liara for information on you. But I helped you with Oriana to show you that there's always another way. That it was the right thing. The woman I saw today, who had the courage to stand up to her father when she was young, cared enough to rescue her sister despite the danger, and cried over a dead friend, is not the same woman that follows the Illusive Man blindly, Miranda. That woman knows there's a right thing. And she does it when it matters."

"Cerberus – the Illusive Man," Miranda replied, "gave me something to hold on to, to believe in after my father. I think I didn't want to see that it was just more of the same. But you're right. There are things more important than a sense of security and an ideal that no longer exists. Whatever you need from me, I'm yours."

Kaidan sat forward and met Miranda's eyes. "You're making the right decision, Miranda. Speaking as someone who has believed in and followed Shepard through hell and back, you never have to cringe when you look at yourself in the mirror when you're with her."

"That would be a nice change," Miranda said with a wry laugh.

"You can start by getting the leash out of Kaidan's head," Shepard put in quietly.

"It's not as easy as you make it sound," Miranda replied slowly, "it'll be a complicated and risky surgery," she considered for a moment, and went on, "but it's possible. I'll need time to consult with both Doctor Chakwas and Doctor Solus and come up with a plan of action. I'll let you know when we're ready."

"Thank you, Miranda," Shepard replied. Miranda nodded and quietly left the cabin.

"In the meantime, I suppose we can recruit ourselves an asari justicar," Shepard said with a laugh to Kaidan.

Kaidan drew her down onto the bed and into his arms. "After some sleep," he corrected.

She rolled in his arms so that they were face to face. "Just sleep?" she asked with an arched brow.

"Sleep first," he corrected himself and kissed her quietly. She rolled back over and settled in to follow doctor's orders.


	25. Proof of Crime and Trust

_A/N - I thought it made sense to have Liara give Shepard the info to recruit Samara in TTT - after all, when you think about the dossiers that Cerberus gives you (vigilante, convict, mercenary, thief, etc.) asari justicar is way too... law-abiding? to fit lol... so that's how I wrote it! All things ME are courtesy of Bioware and I lay no claim to them~_

_Thanks to for your reviews again Letticiae, eve, Gabe97, and Lyv(x2)! So glad you liked it! Everyone else out there reading, following, favoriting, I thank you, too! I know this has been a long ride - and we're not done - so its humbling to know that you're still with me! Speaking of long ride... I just finished writing the third chapter of the suicide mission with 1-2 more chapters of it to go. That plus some wrap-up and an epilogue will complete TTT (the writing part, anyway!), and StoneburntHeart and I have been tossing around ideas for continuing the story of this Shepard and Kaidan through ME3... What do you guys think? Do you want a sequel? Will you read it? Drop me a line and let me know!  
_

_There is a new chapter of Outtakes that immediately follows this one, I'll have it up ASAP :-)_

_As always, my sincere thanks and appreciation to my beta, StoneburntHeart for everything!_

* * *

When Jack joined Shepard and Kaidan in the airlock the next morning, she took one look at them and exclaimed, "Shit, you two just got laid!" in disgust. Then she grinned, punched Kaidan's arm playfully, and added, "Good for you, Boyscout - I knew you had it in you!"

"Actually, it was in _me_," Shepard replied, deadpan. When both her squadmates turned to her with equal expressions of astonishment she laughed. "What, I'm not allowed to make the jokes?" she asked them. "I _am_ in a good mood after all…"

Kaidan grinned despite his blush and shook his head. This mission should be interesting.

They stepped out of the airlock and onto the gleaming corridors of Nos Astra once again, and headed off to find the police officer Liara's information had indicated would be able to point them to Samara. At the Tracking Station, Officer Dara packed them into a cab and advised them to hurry. When they disembarked at their destination, they discovered Detective Anaya in a confrontation with a volus.

"Apparently even missions from information brokers are more complicated than they would appear," Shepard muttered as they approached the argument.

"At least no one is shooting at us," Kaidan grinned back.

"Yet," Jack added sourly and shrugged when the other two glared at her.

"Where do you think you're going?" the asari detective asked the volus.

"I'm taking my goods to Omega, Detective," the volus replied between sucking breaths.

"You're not going anywhere, Merchant," the detective replied with a wag of her finger, "not until I solve this murder."

"I had nothing to do with that!" the volus protested, "It was those mercenary thugs you can't seem to get rid of."

"The victim was your business partner, and I'm not ruling you out," the asari cop stated firmly, "I'll let you know when you can leave."

"What about the justicar that just showed up? Everyone says she might go crazy and start killing. I need to leave," the volus protested.

"She'll only the kill the unjust – so I'm sure you have nothing to worry about, Pitne For," the detective shot back sarcastically, "Find me in the station if you need me." On that she wandered off to the police station she had indicated.

Once the volus wandered off in the opposite direction, Shepard turned to her squad. "Since I don't trust bad cop," she pointed at Kaidan who gave her a sheepish grin, "and worse cop," this time she indicated Jack and received a scowl in return, "we'll talk to these people and then meet up with the detective together. Let's go solve a murder and find a justicar."

"All in a day's," Kaidan replied jauntily as he fell in behind her.

~x~

Once they had spoken to the unhelpful witnesses, the volus, and Detective Anaya an alarming picture began to form. Clearly, there was more than murder afoot here, and the detective appeared genuinely afraid of the justicar. It was also clear that the situation stank of Eclipse merc involvement. Detective Anaya hurried them through the police line in the hopes that they could collect Samara and remove her from the planet before things came to a deadly head.

Just past the barrier, they confirmed that Eclipse mercs were neck deep in the mess. Fortunately for Shepard and her squad - and unfortunately for the mercs that attacked - they were well prepared and they dealt with the resistance quickly. In the next room, they found their quarry in action. Samara was confronting her own Eclipse target, her body washed in the blue glow of flared biotics. Shepard raised her brow a bit at the skin-tight red leather garb with plunging décolletage the justicar sported.

"And I thought Jack was bad," she muttered under her breath to Kaidan, "I didn't know body armor came in lingerie style."

"Apparently you need to stop shopping at only the Alliance quartermaster," Kaidan returned with an arched brow.

"In your dreams, Lieutenant," Shepard answered with a grin. She turned to Samara after Jack cleared her throat pointedly.

"Tell me what I need to know, and I will be gone from here," Samara was telling the Eclipse merc, her voice pitched almost sensually low. "Where did you send her?"

"You think I'd betray her? She'd hurt me in ways you can't imagine," the Eclipse lieutenant replied, uncowed.

"The name of the ship," Samara stated as she advanced relentlessly on the other asari, "Your life hangs on the answer, Lieutenant."

"You can kill me, but one of us will take you down, Justicar," the Eclipse lieutenant shot back.

Samara grabbed the lieutenant in a mass effect field and threw her across the room. The merc crashed into a glass barrier and slumped to the ground with a groan. Before she could recover, Samara leapt across the room in a biotic-fueled maneuver and pinned the Eclipse with a booted heel to the asari's throat.

"What was the name of the ship she left on?" Samara questioned again.

"Go to hell," the merc choked.

"Find peace in the embrace of the goddess," Samara told her quietly before she broke the merc's neck with a quick move of her foot.

Samara turned to face Shepard's squad, seemingly noticing them for the first time.

"My name is Samara, a servant of the justicar code," she said in introduction, "my quarrel is with these Eclipse sisters, but I see three well-armed people before me. Are we friend or foe?"

"That merc was wounded and helpless," Shepard pointed out, "Do you just kill anyone who won't help you?"

"If my cause is important enough, yes," Samara answered with no hint of apology in her calm voice, "Are you any different?"

"I've killed enemies, but always with a good reason," Shepard replied quietly.

"I answer to a code that is clearly defined. If my actions are true to that code, I am just. If they are not, I am unjust," Samara stated simply. "I don't pretend it is a simple matter, or that it seems right to everyone. But I sleep well at night, and that is more than most can say."

Shepard nodded, accepting the explanation. She too often had to follow orders that she may not personally agree with or like. It was the duty of a soldier and she was a soldier to the core, so Samara's code made sense to her. She turned the conversation to the reason they had sought Samara.

"I'm Commander Shepard of the _Normandy_. I'm building a team to defeat the Collectors," she informed Samara and then remembered what Liara had told her about justicars, "It is a dangerous mission – suicidal odds. My information says that you could be valuable to our cause."

"I sense the truth in what you say, and it humbles me," Samara replied with a nod, "But I seek an incredibly dangerous fugitive. I cornered her here, but the Eclipse sisters smuggled her off-world. I must find the name of the ship she left on before the trail goes cold."

"I wish you were willing to go with the human, Justicar," Detective Anaya interrupted from behind them, "I've been ordered to take you into custody if you won't leave."

Samara turned to the new arrival and replied, "You risk a great deal by following your orders, Detective. Fortunately, I will not have to resist. My code obligates me to cooperate with you for one day. After that, I must return to my investigation."

"I won't be able to release you that soon," Detective Anaya stated with regret and some fear tingeing her voice.

"You won't be able to stop me," Samara countered with no arrogance. She was simply stating the truth.

Shepard and Kaidan spared a glace to each other and read alarm at the tense situation in each other's eyes. They needed to do something to end this standoff.

"Maybe we can help," Shepard offered. "If we can find the information Samara wants, and solve your murder in the process, Detective, no one needs to get hurt?"

"Except a whole bunch of asshole mercs," Jack muttered helpfully, but she quieted when Kaidan nudged her with a shoulder.

The two asari turned to the squad and considered. Finally, they both relented and nodded.

"I will go with the Detective for now," Samara confirmed in her still and quiet tone, "Good luck, Commander Shepard."

Detective Anaya simply nodded again and the two asari left them.

"Any thoughts on how we're going to track a fugitive and solve a murder all in less than a day?" Kaidan asked Shepard.

"I think we start with a shifty volus," Shepard replied and motioned the team to leave. "Let's go talk to Pitne For again. This time I might even let you play bad cop."

Kaidan grinned and fell in behind her.

~x~

As it turned out, Pitne For crumbled quickly underneath their questions and revealed his smuggling scheme and the toxic contents. He also turned over his copy of access codes to the Eclipse base. Unfortunately, he didn't have information on Samara's target but offered that they might find that in records in the base. They took the elevator he had indicated and entered the Eclipse hideout. They were immediately attacked by Eclipse mercs and mechs. Once they were clear, Shepard walked over to Kaidan, who was studying a suspiciously marked crate, his omni-tool employed.

"I'd ask you tell me that's not what I think it is," Shepard said grimly, "but your expression already gave it away."

"Yeah," Kaidan confirmed, "it's the biotic poison Pitne For was smuggling."

"Fuck," Jack said in summary, having already done the math. Three biotics; substance toxic to biotics. Fuck indeed.

"Don't suppose there's any countermeasure?" Shepard asked Kaidan.

"Don't breathe it in," Kaidan answered with a shake of his head.

"Well, **fuck**," Shepard echoed Jacks earlier statement. "Ok so we need to be careful with our shots and biotics," she added.

"Very helpful, Commander _Obvious_," Jack replied, dripping sarcasm.

"Alright, _ladies_," Kaidan stepped in to be peacemaker, "let's try to keep casualties to mercs today."

They moved into the next room and discovered a scared asari muttering to herself in the corner.

Shepard approached the merc carefully, rifle drawn.

"Wait, stop! I didn't fire my weapon once!" the panicked asari rushed to protest, "I pretended to because the other Eclipse sisters were watching, but I didn't really shoot!"

Shepard lowered her rifle and motioned to Kaidan and Jack to repeat the gesture. Kaidan followed the order without question, but Jack hesitated.

"She looks just like the others to me," she said pointing to the merc's yellow armor with the Eclipse logo emblazoned on the chest.

"I'm not one of them! I'm new!" the asari continue to protest, "I thought being Elnora the mercenary would be cool… but I didn't know what they were really like."

Shepard stepped to Jack and used a hand on the other woman's gun to lower it. Jack grumbled, but subsided. Shepard turned back to Elnora.

"What are the Eclipse up to here, Elnora?" she questioned.

"I thought it would be flying around the galaxy shooting bad guys," Elnora's voice showed her disillusion. "But instead, they just sell red sand and illegal weapons tech. They even smuggled an Ardat-Yakshi off-world."

"Ardat-Yakshi?" Shepard repeated it as a question.

"It's an ancient asari word for something that… I thought it was just a superstition until now," Elnora's explanation was vague. When the three armed people across from her just continued to stare she added, "It means 'demon of the night winds.' I didn't think they were real, but the boss said this scary lady was one."

"Sounds like Samara's fugitive," Kaidan murmured to Shepard. She nodded.

"What ship did they use for the smuggling?" she questioned Elnora.

"Wow! I have no idea!" Elnora replied, her eyes wide with innocence and shock, "It was a few days ago, and like I said, I'm new. They don't tell me anything."

Shepard sighed in frustration. Apparently they weren't going to get any more out of Elnora. She motioned with her head to the door and said, "Go, get out of here." Elnora smiled gratefully and moved toward the door before Shepard halted her. "Elnora, if you so much as jaywalk, I will find you." Her flat tone made the threat even more clear. Elnora nodded and scurried out quickly.

"Guess I know where Boyscout gets it," Jack grumbled under her breath as the squad left the room.

~x~

They picked their way carefully through mercs and mechs in the hideout, avoiding the red clouds of toxic gas that inevitably were released, until they found an office on the third floor. Kaidan hacked the computer and they discovered an audio log that identified Elnora as the murderer of Pitne For's partner. Shepard ignored Jack's I told so you and asked Kaidan to copy the file and moved the squad forward.

The gunship that attacked them on the walkway gave them a little trouble, but they eventually defeated it. They moved to the next room after Kaidan hacked the lock. There, they found a shipping manifest that detailed Pitne For's smuggling crimes, which Shepard tucked away to give Anaya.

In the next hallway, the discovered the 'biotic god' volus Niftu Cal and a quick gentle push from Shepard toppled him and distracted him from his suicidal plan to take on the merc captain. The squad finally reached the last unsearched room in the hideout. As soon as the doors opened, the asari captain turned to them, datapad in hand.

"Everything's gone to hell since we smuggled that filthy crea-" she began until Jack's shockwave hit her full force and cut her off.

Kaidan and Shepard ducked for cover and turned to Jack who shrugged. "What? I get tired of all the talk," she explained simply.

Shepard shrugged it off and studied the battlefield. Jack's shockwave had toppled the merc captain but not damaged her barrier, and she had quickly taken cover and called for reinforcements. She had five other mercs positioned around her now. Between the Eclipse position and theirs, Jack's shockwave had ripped toxic containers open and the area was quickly filling with the red gas. It had the dual detrimental effect of its poisonous effect as well as marring their sight lines. They wouldn't be able to fight from back here. Shepard began to formulate a plan, and turned back to the squad to fill them in.

"No way we can shoot them through that," she said grimly. "But it enhances biotics, right? So let's use that. Three biotics hitting them full force will take 'em out quickly."

Kaidan and Jack stared at her with different expressions – Kaidan's was worry tinged with disbelief; Jack's was a wide-eyed full on grin. They both spoke, nearly together.

"Commander," Kaidan said in a voice that was trying for calm and not quite making it, "the stuff is poison… are you sure?"

"Fuck yes! That's what I'm talking about," Jack exclaimed in excitement.

Shepard grinned a bit in solidarity with the other woman, then answered Kaidan's objection, "No other choice – and we won't be staying in it long enough to do real damage."

"You hope," Kaidan replied but he nodded and moved to follow.

They put plan to action and dispatched the remaining Eclipse in mere minutes, each of them a biotic god of their own. When they were clear, Shepard motioned Kaidan to the terminal in the corner to do his thing and fulfill their mission for Samara.

"Make it snappy, Lieutenant," she called as he moved to follow her orders, "I want to get back to the _Normandy_ and check in with Miranda."

Jack walked up to Shepard with a frown. "What the fuck do you need with the Cheerleader?" she questioned.

Kaidan turned from the terminal with a grin and answered before Shepard could. "Shepard convinced the Cheerleader to change teams," he informed Jack.

"And you believe that?" Jack scoffed, "You two are such _pussies_," she spat in disgust.

"I gave her a reason to change her mind," Shepard replied quietly, "she's on our side now."

"I think you're letting all that fucking cloud your brain," Jack snarled.

Kaidan turned back from his work again, brow lifted, and simply said, "Jack…" and his tone carried warning.

"Fine," Jack snapped, and walked toward the exit, "I'll wait over here."

Kaidan turned back and completed his hack, then notified Shepard that they had the name of the ship. She nodded and they joined Jack at the exit. The three of them headed back to Detective Anaya's station in silence.

~x~

Once they had turned in the evidence they had collected to Anaya, she was satisfied and agreed to Samara's release. Samara swore an oath to Shepard so that she would have a new code to follow, and Shepard had surprised her in turn with her own promise – to follow the fugitive Samara was sworn to track and help her dispatch the Ardat-Yakshi. Jack had left for the _Normandy_ when they exited the Eclipse base, her scowl indicating her sour mood. Shepard had let her go without argument, figuring she needed time to mope - or whatever the psychotic equivalent was. Kaidan and Shepard escorted Samara back once they had resolved their business, and decided in the airlock that they would once again divide and conquer. Shepard would get Samara settled in her new quarters – the now empty Starboard Observation lounge – and Kaidan would check on Miranda's progress. When the elevator deposited them on deck three, they moved off in separate directions.

Before Kaidan could even knock on the closed door of Miranda's office, he heard raised voices and a crash inside. He used a handy routine on his omni-tool to open the door and stepped inside the room. Miranda and Jack were standing in opposite corners, biotics flaring, and both tensed for attack.

"What's going on here?" Kaidan asked the women quietly, and saw them both startle and turn to him.

"You may believe she's all reformed," Jack snarled, "but I know better. The bitch will never change."

"I don't answer to you," Miranda threw back.

Kaidan sighed. He knew that Jack was acting out of concern for him – however misplaced – but a biotic showdown in the middle of the _Normandy_ wasn't the best approach. He needed to head this off – fast - before they tore a hole in the hull and killed everyone on board.

"Jack," he said quietly, "I appreciate why you're here, and I know you don't have many reasons to believe Miranda. But Shepard does, and I do. You need to trust us for now, even if you can't trust Miranda. I'll explain it all later."

Jack took a full minute to give in, but she finally did. With a small nod, she left the office without another word.

Kaidan turned back to Miranda, intending to apologize or explain, but the woman held a hand up to stop him from speaking.

"It's ok, Kaidan," Miranda said, moving to her desk, "I wouldn't believe me either. I know you came to ask about the procedure, and we don't have a solution yet. But I do have something for you – well, for Shepard. Her information broker friend, Liara, is in a tense standoff with the Shadow Broker. I found data that can solve her problem in the Cerberus databases. Hopefully, you'll see it as a gesture of goodwill." She handed him a datapad.

Kaidan smiled. "I didn't lie to Jack," he said quietly taking the datapad she offered, "I saw you with your sister. I believe you, and so does Shepard. But thank you for this," he said waving the datapad. "If you still need time with the doctors, then we have time to help an old friend."

"You're welcome," Miranda said, returning his smile.

He nodded and left her office to join Shepard in their cabin.


	26. Chasing Shadows, Part 1

_A/N - I know that Lair of the Shadow Broker is a very popular DLC - perhaps the most popular - and for the most part I agree, even if it makes me jealous of Shepard/Liara shippers (why do they get DLC AND a romance scene with their LI and we get... an email? *glare*). However, there were a few things I wanted to 'fix' - the biggest one being Liara herself. IMO, she's so out OOC in LotSB its startling - if she had been that thick-skinned badass in ME3, I could consider it character development, but since she's not, I dialed back on it here :-) Everything contained within is property of Bioware!_

_Thanks so much for your reviews Gabe97, eve, spaceconveyor, and Guest reviewer and to everyone reading, following, favoriting! I finished the actual writing of TTT yesterday (now it just needs tons of edits before its ready for you) so I'm starting the sequel I mentioned... apparently my muse wants it as much as you do!_

_As always, sincere thanks to StoneburntHeart for... everything!_

* * *

Shepard, Garrus, and Kaidan arrived at Liara's office the next morning to find it empty.

"Thought she was going to meet us here to plan the mission?" Kaidan questioned.

"That's what she said when I forwarded the information Miranda gave you to her," Shepard replied. "Something must have come up, let's look around."

A quick search revealed a note addressed to Shepard on Liara's terminal.

"Looks like she wants to meet at her apartment," Shepard read from the note, "She had preparations to make there."

They took a taxi to Liara's apartment building and were met with the chaos of police scurrying around. They crossed the police barrier and entered the apartment, alarm rising.

"What's going on here?" Shepard questioned the nearest cop. The answer came from a new arrival – an asari in full body armor approached the group at the door.

"Someone tried to kill your friend, Commander Shepard," the asari said. Then she turned to the police milling around and added, "Thank you, Officer, your people are dismissed."

Once the police left under protest, the asari turned back to Shepard and introduced herself, "Tela Vasir, Special Tactics and Recon."

"Another Spectre?" Kaidan questioned with raised brows.

The asari laughed without humor. "Yes, though not nearly as famous as your Commander," she replied to Kaidan. "I might have her sign my chest plate." She turned back to Shepard, "So, I take it you had business with your friend, Commander?"

"We were planning to meet here to follow a lead," Shepard confirmed vaguely. "What happened here?" she repeated her original question.

"About twenty-five minutes ago, someone took a shot at T'Soni," Vasir reported. She pointed with a hand to the bank of windows behind her and added, "Note the bullet holes." Then she added, "She stuck around for almost four minutes before leaving the building. Whatever she was doing was important."

"So where is she now?" Shepard questioned, holding on to the important part of Vasir's report – that Liara had left the building.

"If I knew that, I wouldn't be sifting through her crap trying to find her," Vasir snapped back. "There's no blood, no body. Looks like she got away safely. Apparently the sniper didn't plan on her kinetic barrier. Clever girl. Paranoid, but clever."

"Did the police find anything?" Garrus – former C-Sec to the core – asked.

"Just the mess and the bullet holes," Vasir answered flatly. "I gave them a gold star for finding the bullet holes."

Shepard shared a glance with her squad and found they were in agreement – none of them liked or trusted this new Spectre.

"Thanks for your help, Vasir," Shepard turned back to the asari in an attempt to dismiss her, "We'll look around and see if we can find a clue to Liara's whereabouts."

"Oh, I'm not leaving, Shepard," Vasir stated firmly, "You can look around, but this is my investigation – I'll wait here."

Shepard gave Vasir her best Commander Shepard stare but the asari refused to back down. Shepard finally sighed and resigned herself to the small defeat. They needed to find Liara; they didn't have time to play games. She motioned to Kaidan and Garrus to move past the Spectre and further into the apartment. They gathered near the far windows to confer.

"Shepard…" both Garrus and Kaidan spoke together.

"I know, I agree," Shepard replied to their unspoken warnings. "But Liara's the important thing right now. Let's look around and see if she left us a message." After receiving nods of confirmation from her squad, Shepard went on, "Garrus, you take this floor. Kaidan and I will search upstairs."

Garrus nodded, and then he added before they wandered off, "No funny business, you two!" with a turian grin.

"Very funny, Vakarian," Shepard shot back over her shoulder.

After getting over the slightly distasteful feeling of voyeurism of searching a friend's bedroom, and raising an eyebrow at the fish tank that stretched the full wall over Liara's bed that reminded her of the one in her cabin on the _Normandy_ – with the notable exception that Liara's was full of fish – Shepard honed in on the holo of the _Normandy SR1_ on the bedside table. She reached for it and immediately noticed the picture flicker to a shot of a Prothean dig site. Kaidan noticed the change as well.

"Set it back down," he told her. When she complied, and the holo once again displayed the original _Normandy_, Kaidan reached for the frame. When he touched it, the image didn't change. "Keyed to you personally," he murmured, careful that only she would hear, "that's our clue."

Shepard nodded and they walked back down the stairs to join Garrus.

"Just a doctoral degree and some ruined Alliance armor down here besides the bullet holes," Garrus said as he saw them approach. "Any luck up there?"

Shepard inclined her head toward Vasir, who was studying her omni-tool in the far corner, then answered, loud enough for the Spectre to hear, "Nothing so far – let's check out some of the artifacts down here." She noticed that Kaidan had wandered toward the case holding the armor Garrus had mentioned and winced at Liara's gruesome display. Why would she do that? When Kaidan turned back to her, she answered the unspoken question in his eyes with a quick, "Not now." She watched him tuck away his curiosity with effort and reminded herself that she needed to fill him in on Liara's role in his resurrection. She ignored the mental voice that screamed to her that information that wasn't the only thing she was keeping from him. Kaidan rejoined them and she motioned to the Prothean artifacts displayed in cases around them.

There were three and they each separated and took one. Whether by instinct or dumb luck, the one Shepard searched revealed a hidden door that slid open with an audible click. She quickly turned to look at Vasir and found her fear that the sound had been loud enough for the other Spectre to hear when she saw the asari approaching.

"Ah, a data disk hidden in plain sight," Vasir stated with satisfaction. "She is clever. Let's see what's on it," she continued as she took the disk from the door and headed to Liara's desk unit. The squad huddled behind Vasir, resigned that their subterfuge had been all for naught. The disk played back a recording of Liara's conversation with a salarian contact named Sekat. Apparently Sekat had narrowed the Shadow Broker's location down to a cluster, perhaps even a system and wanted to meet Liara in person at his office in Baria Frontiers to discuss it further. Well, shit. Now Vasir knew pretty much everything.

"The Shadow Broker?" Vasir drawled, "A dangerous enemy to have. Looks like our friend stepped on the wrong toes. Baria Frontiers is in the Dracon Trade Center. I have my aircar outside," she offered helpfully.

"We'll take a taxi and meet you there," Shepard replied dismissively. She may be stuck with the Spectre for now, but she wasn't sharing a car with her. Vasir nodded and left.

When they were alone in Liara's apartment, Garrus summed the situation up perfectly. "That asari makes my fringe tingle – and not in the good way."

~x~

The cab deposited them at the base of Dracon Trade Center and they met up with Vasir as she exited her car. As they approached the tower, Vasir informed them that Baria Frontiers' offices were on the third floor. Shepard glanced up to find the bank of windows that enclosed their target and saw the flare of light in the instant before the sound and force of an explosion rocked them. They were knocked back as fiery debris fell around and on top of them. When the ringing in her ears cleared enough to allow sound to penetrate, Shepard heard Kaidan's voice crying her name and her heart started again.

"I'm ok," she reassured him while her eyes searched frantically for Garrus. She spotted him coming to his feet on their left, apparently unharmed. Her momentary relief that they were all safe immediately disappeared as the thought of why they were here struck. "Liara," she cried around increasing panic.

"We'll find her," Kaidan said, trying to reassure.

"Or her body," Vasir added grimly, and undid whatever good Kaidan had done. "I'll grab my aircar and seal off the building from the top!" She ran for the car.

"Ok, let's start down here and work our way up," Shepard said to her squad and motioned them toward the building.

Shepard wanted to ignore the injured civilians milling outside, she wanted to get to Liara, ensure she was safe. She refused to think of any other outcome. But she set aside her impatience and motioned to Kaidan to do what he could for the suffering people, refusing to think that the precious minutes may make the difference between life or death for Liara. When the innocents were stabilized, they entered the building and began to search the wreckage. They quickly discovered that the elevator was damaged in the explosion and headed for the stairs. As they walked, they surveyed the bodies littering the ground and found several dead from bullet wounds, not the explosion. Clearly, this had been more than a random attack.

They reached the Baria Frontiers office and the electronic log showed that Liara had signed in moments before. They opened the door into the inner office and the flare and boom of a flash-bang grenade immediately struck them. They rolled to cover momentarily blinded and deaf from the small explosive but recovered quickly. They returned fire and advanced through the offices, dispatching resistance as they went.

They met up with Vasir who was standing over the corpse of a recently-dead salarian.

"Damn it! If I'd been a few seconds faster, I could have saved them," Vasir said as she saw the squad approach.

"I take it this is Sekat," Shepard replied, studying the corpse.

"Must have been," Vasir muttered.

"No sign of Liara," Garrus called as he searched the surroundings. Kaidan's small head shake as he studied his omni-tool told Shepard that Sekat's information was also missing.

"You didn't find your friend's body in the other offices?" Vasir asked with a note of alarm creeping into her voice.

"You mean this body?" Liara asked as she approached from the shadows with her smg drawn on Vasir.

"Liara!" Shepard exclaimed in pleased surprise as she turned her own gun on the asari Spectre and glanced to her side to see that Kaidan and Garrus had mirrored her action. She nodded to them, grateful that they had followed her lead and turned back to Vasir. "Now why don't you tell us why you're really here, Vasir?"

"This is the woman who tried to kill me," Liara stated for the record, although everyone else in the room had already drawn that conclusion.

"You've had a rough day," Vasir replied condescendingly as she retreated from the drawn weapons, "so I'll let that slide. Why don't you put your guns down? You can't kill a council Spectre."

"I have before," Shepard replied with a humorless laugh.

"She must have Sekat's data on her," Liara cried before Shepard could fire. The distraction was enough to give Vasir time to react.

"Not that you'll ever see what's on it, you pureblood bitch!" she gritted out as she flared biotics, then she threw a huge bolt at them.

Kaidan and Liara immediately threw a barrier around the quartet, protecting them from the impact. It gave Vasir time to flee. She jumped off the side of the building, using her biotics to cushion her landing from the three story fall. The squad watched in astonishment as Liara flared her own biotics and jumped after Vasir.

"I really need to learn how to do that," Kaidan stated in wonder of the biotic trick.

"You and me both," Shepard agreed. "Come on, I guess mere mortals have to take the long way." She motioned them back out the way they came.

They picked their way through new Shadow Broker troops until they met up with Liara outside. She had a car waiting for them.

"Come on, she's getting away," Liara said as she saw them approach.

"We're fine, thanks," Kaidan said as he climbed into the car. As he surveyed the interior of the vehicle, he added, "Uh, Shepard… only three of us are gonna fit in here."

"We don't have time to find another car," Liara cried impatiently.

Shepard swallowed a sigh of impatience and climbed into the driver's seat. "Take a taxi back to the _Normandy_, Garrus. We'll be back soon." She ordered as the door closed behind her. She didn't hear Garrus' smart comeback about her driving.

~x~

They took the air and quickly spotted Vasir's car ahead of them. Shepard hit the thrusters and closed the gap between the vehicles and narrowly missed clipping a building on a tight turn.

"This isn't the Mako," Kaidan offered dryly from the rear seat, his hands clenched in a death-grip on the bar beside him.

"Yeah, thanks, _backseat driver_," Shepard shot back sarcastically as she careened around another turn and hit the boost again. Then she grinned. She was enjoying this, despite the look of abject horror on her passenger's faces.

Vasir swung a sharp left ahead of them and Shepard swerved their car to follow.

"We're not going into the construction site are we?" Liara asked in disbelief. She added, "Oh goddess, we are," from behind hands covering her face to block out the sight of narrow tunnels and construction barriers whizzing by outside the car's windows.

"Relax, I've got this," Shepard patted Liara reassuringly with a maniacal grin that did nothing to help her efforts.

"Commander - both hands on the wheel!" Kaidan exclaimed from behind her.

Shepard growled a bit but complied. They closed the gap on Vasir again to discover that Vasir had now maneuvered into a stream of traffic.

"Traffic! Oncoming traffic!" Liara exclaimed in alarm.

"I see it!" Shepard yelled back, turning the wheel sharply to avoid a truck, then again to avoid the cab behind it. "We'll be fine," she added in a more normal tone once the danger had passed. Then she regretted her words when she saw evidence of Vasir's newest trick.

"She's dropping proximity charges!" Liara piped in redundantly.

"I noticed," Shepard gritted back as she narrowly avoided the first explosive. She asked a question to which she already knew the answer in the hopes of distracting Liara. "What kind of weapons does this vehicle have?"

"It's a taxi – it has a fare meter!" Liara cried in alarm. Apparently the distraction wasn't effective. "Goddess, a head on collision at this spe- Truck!" she cut herself off to point out the obvious lumbering obstacle in their path.

"I see it!" Shepard cried back impatiently, then took a deep breath and held her temper when Kaidan let go of the bar and placed a hand on her shoulder. She hit the thrusters again, and their car was nearly nose to tail with Vasir's car after the burst of speed.

Vasir noticed and tried to boost her own car, swerving at the same time. The maneuver backfired and caused her to crash into the vehicle to her right. Her car spun mid-air then lost thrust, and began to fall to the top of the building below. She hit with a fiery crash. Shepard circled the building from the air, spotted a safe landing, and set their car down nearby.

They exited the vehicle and headed toward Vasir's crash on foot but their progress was halted by the whirring sounds of cars arriving behind them with reinforcements. They took cover and prepared to defend themselves. They fought off multiple waves of enemies until the silence indicated that they were safe. Shepard motioned them out and they headed to Vasir's car.

The wreckage was still on fire despite their delay and they saw that the ground beside it was covered in blood. Shepard shook her head and followed the blood trail, thinking that she wasn't the only crazy bitch in this scenario.

"She's lost a lot of blood, she couldn't have gotten far," Kaidan offered hopefully.

"She's tough, I'll give her that," Shepard said with grudging respect.

"She's a council Spectre," Liara pointed out, as if that summed things up. Since their only other examples were two badass turians (one completely insane) and Shepard herself, it pretty much did. They continued tracking the blood until they caught Vasir at an open-air restaurant. They approached slowly, weapons drawn, all too aware of the innocents around them. Their worst fears were realized as Vasir noticed their approach and grabbed one of the patrons and draped the poor woman over her as a shield.

"What's your name?" Vasir inquired of her hostage in mock kindness.

"Ma-Mariana," the woman stumbled out nervously.

"Mariana, you want to live, don't you?" Vasir asked rhetorically, "Tell those people that you want to live," she instructed.

"Please…" Mariana pleaded at Shepard and her squad.

"We'll get you out of here safely, Mariana," Shepard replied but kept her eyes and gun trained on Vasir. She used her free hand to gesture slightly behind her back - two fingers pointed in either direction. She saw Kaidan and Liara move slightly to follow her signal out of the corner of her vision.

"Well, that's good to hear," Vasir returned, also concentrating on Shepard and not noticing the slight movement of her squad, "All you had to do was walk away. Now it gets ugly." She pointed her pistol directly at Mariana's head in emphasis.

"Please," Mariana repeated pitifully, "I have a son." Tears were streaming down the woman's face.

"A son?" Vasir repeated slowly, "I hope he gets to see you again. I've heard losing a parent can be just horrific for children. Scars them for life."

"I'm going to end you, Vasir," Liara threw at the other asari, her patience snapped. She subsided with a bit of shame a second later when she caught Shepard's slight head shake out of her peripheral vision.

"It's ok Liara," Shepard said pointedly, "We'll handle this … _the usual way_." She placed special emphasis on the last part of the phrase, knowing that her biotics would catch her hidden signal. She noted both Kaidan and Liara flare blue fists behind their back and turned back to Vasir knowing her message had been received.

Vasir once again missed all the byplay, concentrating on her hostage and Shepard, or perhaps her wound had distracted her too much. "You want Mariana's little boy to grow up without a mommy, Shepard?" she taunted, "Weapons on the ground. Now."

"Is that it?" Shepard taunted back.

"What?" Vasir questioned in surprise.

"Vasir, I sacrificed thousands of human lives to save the _Destiny Ascension_. I unleashed the rachni on the galaxy," Shepard taunted back while she nodded almost imperceptibly to her squad. "So for your sake, I hope your escape plan doesn't hinge on me hesitating to shoot a damn hostage!"

"You're bluff-" Vasir started to retort before she was cut off as a table and a chair, both suspended in blue mass effect fields, hit her from either side. She was knocked back from Mariana into the water feature behind her. Shepard rushed forward, helped Mariana to her feet and yelled at her to run. The squad converged on Vasir, but she recovered quickly and took off to the far side of the terrace in a blur of biotic speed. Shepard shrugged and charged after her.

Kaidan and Liara took a moment to glance at each other with equal expressions that translated to _'oh, shit, two vanguards'_ before they rushed to follow – at normal speed.

The ensuing battle was a chaos of biotic charges and shotgun blasts between Shepard and Vasir as they furiously matched equal powers and strengths in a toe-to-toe struggle to wear the other down. Kaidan and Liara quickly gave up on trying to track Vasir – or Shepard – between their blinding rushes and instead concentrated on removing the lesser threats that Vasir seemed to summon at will. Eventually, Vasir lay broken and defeated beneath Shepard's raised biotic-charged fist.

"Ugh, damn it, damn it," Vasir groaned, as Liara retrieved Sekat's data disk from the Spectre while Shepard remained in place, ready to strike the death blow.

"You're dead!" Vasir spat at Liara, "The Shadow Broker has been in power for decades. He's stronger than anything you have ever faced!"

"Is that why you sold out the council to work for him?" Shepard asked in disgust.

"You think I betrayed the council, like Saren?" Vasir replied, "Go to hell. The Broker's given me damn good intel over the years. Intel that saved lives and kept the Citadel safe! So if the Broker needs a few people to disappear, I'll pay that price without hesitation!"

"Spectres don't blow up buildings full of innocent people!" Shepard retorted.

"Sure we do," Vasir countered. "We get our hands dirty so the council doesn't have to. The councilors may complain about our methods to soothe their consciences, but they never look too closely. You know that – you're with Cerberus. You have any idea what your terrorist friends have done?"

That hit a little close to home and Shepard gritted her teeth and shoved aside the logic of it. "I'm not working for Cerberus," she began, and then she sighed, realizing that this was neither the time nor the place for long explanations. "It doesn't matter," she trailed off.

"I think it does," Vasir gasped out around her pain, "you want to judge me? Look in the mirror."

"That's enough," Kaidan snapped at Vasir in a low menacing tone. He turned to Shepard and lowered her fist gently with a hand on her arm. "Let's go," he told her quietly. "She's finished – we have what we need." Shepard resisted a moment, her eyes still locked on Vasir's face as the asari gasped and died, finally. Kaidan stepped close and placed an arm around her shoulder. "You're nothing like her," he spoke next to her ear, quiet enough to not be overheard. "Let's go," he repeated and she finally nodded and fell into step beside him.

When they rejoined Liara, she was playing the final message on the Shadow Broker's data disk – clear instructions to eliminate Liara and any help she may have.

"Vasir's dead," Shepard said in a flat voice.

"I'm putting the data through to the _Normandy's_ computers," Liara replied, "We can be at the Shadow Broker's base in several hours. He'll know about Vasir before long. If he decides to kill Feron…"

Shepard grabbed Liara's arm to halt her progress. "We'll get Feron out of there alive. I promise," she told her friend when their eyes met. Liara nodded and continued walking.

"I know," she answered softly. "You're here to help, just like always. No matter what I've done…" She trailed off at Shepard's grimace and nod toward Kaidan.

"That's what friends do," Kaidan put in, missing the byplay between the two women.

"When we first met on Therum, you saved me from the geth," Liara replied gesturing to Kaidan and Shepard, "You fought a krogan Battlemaster while I cowered. Now you're doing it again. And I'm still leaning on you for help. I don't think that's a great sign of friendship."

"Don't say that, Liara," Shepard cried in protest. "You helped me when I needed it – both with Saren and now with Cerberus. "

"Perhaps," Liara replied with a nod. She changed the subject. "I can get us there, based on Sekat's data. The _Normandy's_ stealth drive will keep them from detecting us. So things are simple. Get in, get Feron, get out. And kill anyone that tries to stop us."

"Sounds like a plan," Kaidan replied with a grin.

"Go Team Original _Normandy_," Shepard cheered with an answering grin. "I wonder if we can stop by and pick up Wrex on the way?" She wondered aloud. When she saw the looks of bemused humor on Kaidan's and Liara's faces she quickly added, "Just kidding," and continued walking toward the car.

"Don't mind her," Kaidan said to Liara before they followed, "She's been hit in the head too many times."

"It's good to see her happy," Liara said softly, her eyes on Shepard's retreating back.

"It'll be good to have you back on the _Normandy_," Kaidan added, then hooked his arm in hers to escort her as they rushed to catch Shepard.

~x~

Once they were back on board the _Normandy_ and Shepard had plotted a course for the Shadow Broker's base, she offered Liara a quick tour of the rebuilt ship. Liara declined, stating that she'd rather visit with Joker and then Dr. Chakwas in the med-bay to catch up. As Shepard and Kaidan headed to the elevator, Liara called after them, "Do you mind if I stop in to speak with you after I've seen Dr. Chakwas?"

Shepard could guess what she planned to say and turned to meet her friend's eyes. "Give us a few minutes, Liara," she said with a world of meaning.

Liara shook her head. "I think it should come from me, Shepard," she stated firmly. She turned to head to the cockpit after Shepard gave a slight nod.

When the elevator doors closed around them, Kaidan turned to Shepard with a questioning look, "What was that all about? What's going on between you and Liara?"

Shepard sighed and dropped her gaze. "Apparently she wants to tell you herself," she mumbled in answer to him. She straightened and met his eyes again, "Please just be patient?" she asked him.

He studied her for a moment and then nodded. They completed the rest of the journey to their cabin in silence.

Once inside, they took turns in the bathroom, taking military-quick showers and changing into casual shipboard clothes. They were reclining in the seating area, each reviewing their own datapads when Liara's knock came on the door. Shepard rose to open the door and escort their friend to a seat on the couch opposite Kaidan. She reseated herself and turned to Liara.

"Kaidan," Liara began in a soft, pain-filled voice, "I have something to tell you. Something that I think Shepard kept from you out of a desire to protect us both."

Kaidan sat forward in alarm, breath held in worried anticipation, eyes studying Liara's face. He felt Shepard's hand on his arm but ignored the comfort for now, "What is it, Liara?"

"After the _Normandy_ went down," Liara began with a deep breath, "I started my career as an information broker. One of the first things I stumbled upon in my new job was a plot of the Shadow Broker's. He intended to retrieve your body and sell it to the Collectors. Apparently they were offering a good price for anything that could get them to Shepard. I… interfered with his plans and retrieved your body myself. That's how Feron was taken. And then I turned your corpse over to Cerberus."

It took a moment for Kaidan to actually comprehend what she said. When the meaning of her words struck, he stood and walked away. He was vibrating in shock and anger, and part of him wanted to take back the last few minutes and unhear Liara's truth. He took several deep breaths and ignored Shepard calling his name before he felt he had the control to continue.

"Why?" he asked in a curiously flat tone. "Why would you do this to me?"

"I didn't do it to you," Liara protested, tears falling down her face, "I did it for Shepard. Cerberus said they could bring you back. I saw how she was… after… I thought I was doing the right thing…" she trailed off.

Kaidan flinched a bit as he realized that she had said the one thing that he might ever consider an excuse for her actions. He wanted to be angry - to blame her for their ridiculous situation. One some level, he still did. But he loved Shepard even more than Liara, and he understood how powerful a motive love could be. He couldn't think of a single thing he'd refuse to do if it meant making her happy. Liara was wrong, but her intentions were good. And if Miranda and the other doctors had a solution soon, they'd be one step closer to the happy ending Liara had planned for them. In the end, he was happy, and had a second chance to be with Shepard – and even more freely than they had ever been before. He was starting to let himself hope for a future beyond Cerberus and the Collectors. And right or wrong, he wouldn't have that without Liara's interference. He walked over to the asari and placed a gentle kiss on her wet cheek. When he pulled back, he looked her right in the eyes, and spoke.

"Thank you, Liara."

She started in surprise and then she smiled warmly. "I'm so glad you're back, Kaidan. And that you're together," she added gesturing at Shepard, who was also openly crying. "I want to go over the data again," she added as she stood in preparation to leave, "but I have something for you before I go." She pressed an object into Kaidan's hands. He looked down to see two lumps of mangled metal – his old dog tags. He nodded his thanks to Liara and she left quietly.

Kaidan watched her go, still clutching his tags, and then he turned to Shepard. He met her teary gaze and spoke quietly. "Her – I forgive. She had the right intentions, even if she went a lot wrong along the way. But why?" his voice lowered in angry frustration, "Why didn't you tell me this? Even after we talked about my death?"

Shepard didn't look away from his questioning gaze, and he gave her points for that. Fresh tears ran down her cheeks as she swallowed and visibly tried to compose herself to reply. Finally, she broke in a quiet, broken whisper. "At first, things between us were so bad - I didn't want to add to the mix. Then, when Liara gave me the information about Oriana, I let my excitement cloud my judgment. I didn't want to hurt you – either of you – anymore. But, Kaidan, I'm so sorry. I was wrong." She broke off on a sob.

No matter what she had done – or not done – Kaidan had never been able to watch this woman cry and not comfort her. This time was no different. He fell to his knees beside the couch and reached for her hands, taking both in his. His heart hurt to watch her in obvious sorrow and pain and he forgave her before he had really had a chance to be angry. He transferred both her hands into one of his, and moved the free hand to her face. He wiped away her tears with gentle fingers then placed them under her chin to lift it to his kiss. He kissed her softly, lovingly, then pulled back and met her eyes again.

"We're in this together," he told her quietly, "you don't need to protect me. You need to tell me these things, even if you think it might hurt me. I have the right to know," he didn't understand when words he intended to comfort and forgive instead made her sob and cry harder. He drew her into his arms fully, cradling her head against his chest and stroking her hair. "Ssshhh," he said with his chin resting on her head. He pulled her gently to her feet and walked awkwardly to the bed with her clinging to him. He laid them down together and gathered her onto his chest.

She continued to cry as he held her, until she finally drifted off into an uneasy sleep. He stayed awake and watched over her until they arrived at their destination.


	27. Chasing Shadows, Part 2

_A/N - I know this second part of LotSB is much shorter, but as I replayed/watched videos to write it, I realized its really long and fun to play, but rather repetitive to write every single combat. Sigh... Hope you don't mind... All things within are property of Bioware and I claim none, although I'd happily take Kaidan if they were tired of him and wanted to give him away~_

_Thanks so much for the reviews Lyv (sneaky one, trying to hide from me), spaceconveyor, nirroca, Gabe97, and Jules Hawk (welcome back from the darkside... no internet *shudder*)! I'm sincerely glad of your feedback, it really helps motivate me! To everyone else reading, following, favoriting, I appreciate you taking time out of your busy lives and spending it on my fic. It is also powerful motivation :-)  
_

_To StoneburntHeart, my awesome beta, thanks for all the love, support, and fluff!_

* * *

Shepard's eyes were still swollen and red from her tears when she sat in the armory prepping her equipment after her brief nap. She looked up tiredly as Miranda approached and noticed that the other woman was in a far better mood than she was. She tried a small smile of greeting and knew that she failed miserably but Miranda either didn't notice or didn't care.

"Shepard," Miranda greeted with a full – real – smile of her own, "we finally have it. We've run all our simulations and have reduced the risk to minimal percentages. We originally thought about an electrical surge that would permanently disable the device, but the risk to the implant-" Miranda cut off suddenly when she saw Shepard raise a hand in defense against the barrage of scientific facts.

"Miranda," Shepard said impatiently, "I'm not a doctor, nor am I a tech. You're talking about removing Kaidan's leash?" When the other woman nodded in confirmation, she went on, "Just give it to me simply – can you do it?"

"Yes," Miranda answered, as simply as she could.

"Good," Shepard replied with a nod. "And it's not dangerous?"

"Well…" Miranda prevaricated a bit and finished with, "no more than any other brain surgery."

Since Shepard didn't find that comforting at all, but had to worry about the mission ahead of her, she settled on, "Send the information to Kaidan so he can review it," as a reply.

Miranda nodded. "He's going with you on this mission?" she questioned.

"Yes," Shepard confirmed. "I doubt even the anticipation of brain surgery could keep him from wanting to help Liara," she added with a tinge of sarcasm.

"Fair enough," Miranda replied, "From what I read, there's a life hanging on the success of this mission, so I won't question your priorities. We can prepare and be ready when you return."

Shepard nodded and went back to her preps. Before Miranda reached the door and left, she called after her. "Miranda?" when the other woman paused and turned, Shepard added, "Thank you." Miranda nodded and left.

~x~

When Kaidan joined Shepard and Liara in the shuttle for the short ride to the Shadow Broker's base he was a little late and still reading a datapad. Since Shepard knew the reason for both, she forgave him. When his eyes met hers, she posed a silent question and got an equally silent nod in return. The surgery was on – after they took down the legendary Shadow Broker and rescued Liara's friend. Kaidan put the datapad aside and took his seat and Shepard banged on the wall behind her to signal the pilot to depart.

Mere minutes later, they stepped off the shuttle and onto another world.

"Hagalaz." Liara offered, referring to the planet the hulk they were standing on orbited. "The oceans boil during the day then snap-freeze ten minutes after sundown."

"Yet another place to cross off my vacation destination list," Kaidan bantered as he surveyed their surroundings. "What's with all the lightning?" he questioned as a crack of sound and the smell of ozone struck near them. Too close.

"The Shadow Broker's ship follows the sunset," Liara explained, in full science nerd mode now, "Completely undetectable in the storm, unless you know where to look."

"How do we get inside?" Shepard asked the question that was most relevant to her.

"Since we didn't have access to the shuttle bay, we'll have to hunt for a hatch," Liara answered.

"We can't stay out here for long with all this lightning," Kaidan pointed out as another strike barely missed them.

"It's hard to pinpoint in this lightning," Liara offered as she accessed her omni-tool, "but I'm picking up signals from a communications array near the back of the ship. There's nothing below but maintenance equipment. We have to find an entrance near the back shielding."

"Which translates to…?" Shepard questioned the nerds.

"That way," Kaidan pointed with a grin. He knew she understood more than she ever let on – and she certainly wasn't dumb – but it was one of her quirks. She preferred her mission briefings concise and not requiring a manual or advanced degrees to follow. Since it really was a wise tactic, he wasn't about to argue. She moved out in the direction he had indicated and moved into formation to follow.

They didn't get far before they were attacked.

"Maintenance drones," Liara identified as they took cover and returned fire.

"Then why are they attacking?" Shepard gritted between rounds.

"They must think we're debris from the storm," Liara explained.

"Terrific," Shepard said as she charged the last mech.

They moved past the drones and onto a narrow walkway surrounded by glowing structures. More drones huddled beyond to perform their clean up duties.

"Be careful," Liara warned, "Those capacitors discharge built up lightning."

"Hmm," Shepard replied, studying the structures from behind their cover. "I have an idea. Kaidan, can you pull those mechs so they're between the capacitors?"

Kaidan nodded and readied a mass effect field, easily guessing her idea. "On your go, Commander."

"Go!" Shepard called and Kaidan released the field, pulled two mechs between the capacitors and held them suspended there as Shepard simultaneously popped out of cover and sprayed the capacitor on the left with rifle fire. The result was a massive discharge of the built-up electrical force that fried the helpless synthetics. When Shepard huddled back into cover, she had a huge self-satisfied grin on her face and she bumped helmets with Kaidan.

"Good idea, Shepard," Liara praised from behind them. "It would work with a singularity as well, if they were close enough for me to catch them."

"Noted," Shepard replied and motioned them forward.

As they made their way to the target, Kaidan found another clever use of biotics. He used pulls on the mechs Shepard didn't hit with her charges to fling them off the side of the ship.

"Nice conservation of ammo, Lieutenant," Shepard praised when she saw it in action.

"Why thank you, ma'am," Kaidan replied with blushing smile.

Shepard tried a pull herself, but her control wasn't as fine as Kaidan's and she couldn't get the mech where she wanted it. She shrugged and went back to charging. More her style anyway.

They continued to make their way through enemies – both synthetic and organic. Liara joined in what became a contest of who could come up with the most clever use of biotic powers, sometimes in combination with Kaidan or Shepard, sometimes solo. They were all enjoying themselves immensely, despite the constant lightning storm, by the time they finally found an entrance into the ship proper.

The door was locked of course. Shepard motioned to Kaidan to hack the lock as usual, but Liara waved him off.

"I brought a bypass droid program just for this purpose," she explained as she deployed the VI. "We just have to hold off any resistance until it gets through."

"How long?" Shepard asked, heading for cover.

"I don't know, Shepard," Liara replied with sarcasm, "I've never broken into the Shadow Broker's base before."

"Very helpful," Shepard shot back sourly as a new wave attacked. The enemies came from all sides and they had to constantly move hiding places to avoid fire. Shepard couldn't charge, at least not until the end of a wave, because she'd be exposed to attack. Instead, she and Kaidan concentrated on their pull/blow up the capacitor trick while Liara performed the same maneuver with singularities.

After the third wave was dispatched and they were huddled in cover, panting from exertion, and trying to rest before the next, Liara commented, "You know, it's rather inefficient for them to attack like this… They should combine their forces to overwhelm us."

"Let's not give the nice mercs any ideas, Liara," Kaidan shot back as the next wave attacked. Shepard grinned and raised her rifle to attack.

After the fifth wave, the VI finally completed the hack, and alerted them. As they rushed through the door and it closed behind them, they paused for a moment to drink in the peaceful quiet of the interior, their ears still ringing from the gunfire, biotic and electrical explosions, and the roar of the wind outside. Liara broke the silence first.

"At least there should be fewer enemies in here after how many we killed outside," she offered in a hopeful tone.

"Keep dreaming, T'Soni," Shepard shot back in a wry tone.

They were attacked in the next corridor and they ducked into cover.

"I hate that you're always right, Shepard," Liara muttered.

"You get used to it," Kaidan bantered back with a grin.

"Unless you want every merc in the next three corridors on us at once, I suggest you shut up, children," Shepard scolded with a grin that belied her tone.

"Yes, Mom," they replied in unison and moved to follow her.

~x~

After finding Feron in his horrific torture chair and being forced to leave him that way until they could find the master control to shut down the power, they finally reached the door to the Shadow Broker's inner lair. Shepard and Liara stood back as Kaidan hacked the lock, then Shepard took point as they entered.

The Shadow Broker was a hulking mass seated behind a large desk in the center of the room. Apparently he believed his own press, because he was clothed in shadow. The only light in the circular room was on the outside edges and the illumination stopped short of his desk. They drew their weapons as they approached.

"Here for the drell," the Shadow Broker rumbled from the darkness, "Reckless, even for you, Commander."

"I'm not reckless, just determined," Shepard countered. "Ask your asari Spectre about that."

"Vasir was expendable. All her death cost me was time," was the reply.

"Expendable like Feron?" Liara picked up the questioning.

"Your interference caused all this," the Shadow Broker told her. "Feron betrayed me when he handed you Alenko's body. The drell is simply paying the price."

"Be smart, let Feron walk out with us," Shepard demanded.

"You won't be walking out at all," he growled.

"You're quite confident for someone with nowhere left to hide," Liara argued.

"And no flunkies left to hide behind," Kaidan joined in.

"Ah, yes, Lieutenant Alenko," the Shadow Broker spoke now with satisfaction. "The Collector's offer still stands. I'm sure they'd pay _exceedingly_ well for a matched pair – you and Commander Shepard."

"You're not laying a hand on anyone," Shepard growled back, her temper clearly rising.

"It's pointless to challenge me," he roared back, "I know every secret you have. You fumble in the dark"

"Is that right?" Liara shot back, "You're a yahg. A pre-spaceflight species quarantined to their homeworld for massacring the council's first contact team. This base is older than your planet's discovery, which probably means you killed the original Shadow Broker sixty years ago, then took over. I'm guessing you were taken from your world by a trophy hunter who wanted a slave or a pet. How am I doing?"

"Liara," Kaidan spoke sotto-voice, "it's not usually a good idea to taunt the big uglies." Then he grinned and relented, "But nice job."

The Shadow Broker did not appreciate the taunt however, and stood to his full height – much taller than any of them – and roared, smashing his fist into his desk.

"Yeah, I'd say you pissed him off," Shepard said to Liara as they ducked behind a column for cover.

"You're not gonna like this, Commander," Kaidan called from his nearby column.

"Lay it on me anyway, Lieutenant," she called back.

"Kinetic barriers - stronger than yours when you're charging. I can't do anything with biotics or tech," he reported grimly.

"So I have to get up close and personal?" she deduced from his report. When he nodded, she grinned and added, "What's not to like?" and set off on a charge.

The two combatants met in the center of the room, almost like an arena fight, as Kaidan and Liara looked on helplessly. They traded biotically-charged punches equally until the Shadow Broker got in a lucky shot under Shepard's guard and tossed her back. He raised a large shield and advanced on her. As he readied his own charge, Shepard rolled quickly back into their cover.

"Now that's just not playing fair," she grumbled as she brought her rifle up to try anything to dislodge the shield.

"No, but neither is this," Kaidan replied as he ducked out of cover and threw a pull at the yahg and yanked the shield out of his grasp.

"Lieutenant, I owe you a…" Shepard cut off the less than appropriate offer she was about to make and substituted, "beer." Then she took off in another charge. Once again, human and yahg met in the center with a huge clash.

Liara turned to Kaidan with a speculative look. "Do you think you have enough control to pull that shield back over him?" Kaidan followed her gaze to the domed ceiling of the room. It appeared to be another lightning capacitor similar to the ones they used outside.

"More biotic tricks?" He asked with a grin. "Yeah I can do it," he answered her.

He pulled the shield near the center and angled it so that it would reflect the charge from the capacitor. When it was in place, he held it suspended in his field and yelled for Shepard to move. When she rolled out of cover, Liara threw a singularity at the capacitor and released its charge. It struck the angled shield and bounced to the nearest conductive target – the hulking mass of the yahg standing in the center of the arena. The charge hit his barrier and shredded it, and the yahg fried as the massive current hit unprotected flesh. The base went dark from the power overload.

The room was completely silent and dark after the Shadow Brokers defeat under backup generators kicked in and a chaos of voices began calling for updates. Liara approached a bank of monitors, tears of relief streaming down her cheeks. Shepard and Kaidan looked on silently as she first stared at the monitors in confusion and then she seemed to gather resolve. She reached for a switch on the console and spoke. Her voice came out distorted and genderless.

"_This is the Shadow Broker. The situation is under control. We experienced a power fluctuation while upgrading hardware. It disrupted communications momentarily. However, we are now back online. Resume standard procedures. I want a status report of all operations within the next solar day. Shadow Broker out."_

Kaidan turned to Shepard with an astonished look. "Can she…" he trailed off, unsure what to say.

"Looks like she just did," Shepard answered. "And it looks like we're not the only one with questions." She nodded her head to Feron, who had just appeared in the door, pistol in hand, and turned back to Kaidan. "What do you say we let these two catch up and we get you back for some brain surgery?"

"How can I resist an offer like that, ma'am?" Kaidan said, not without sarcasm.

They let Liara know they were leaving and asked her to contact them for a shuttle if she needed a ride back and headed to the landing area together.

~x~

On the shuttle ride back, Shepard finally screwed up enough courage to ask. She turned to Kaidan, removed her helmet and met his eyes.

"How dangerous is this?" trepidation colored her voice.

"Less dangerous than leaving it and letting Cerberus drag me – and you – around by it," Kaidan answered grimly after removing his own helmet.

"That's not an answer, Kaidan," Shepard countered softly, touching his cheek with a gloved hand.

"They know what they're doing - they've run simulations," he told her, and then he placed his hand over hers and held it to his own cheek. "Shepard, we need to do this, it's the only way."

Shepard nodded, but a tear still fell down her cheek. He wiped it gently with his other hand. "I can't lose you again," she told him quietly.

"You won't," he assured her, and drew her into his arms.

When they reached the _Normandy_, they headed straight to the med-bay. Neither spoke, and Miranda, Chakwas, and Mordin were already there waiting. Kaidan kissed Shepard once, nearly chastely in deference to the setting, then turned himself over to their care. They set about making preparations while Shepard hovered, until Chakwas finally used her best doctor voice to chase her commander out of the med-bay. The last thing Kaidan saw before the anesthesia sucked him under was her armored back leaving the room.

~x~

When Kaidan came out of the anesthesia, Shepard was casually dressed and newly showered and sat in a chair beside his med-bay cot. As his eyes began to focus, he saw that she wasn't looking at him, but rather her eyes were cast down on her clasped hands. He took a moment to study her, memorize her face, and he realized that something she was clutching in her hand held her attention. He stirred, his movements still sluggish from the meds, but it was enough for her to notice.

Her head came up and their eyes met and she smiled. Her expression reflected her gratitude to find him awake and aware. She looked back down into her hands and sighed a bit, and then she brought the object she held up and turned it for him to see. He noticed the tremor of her hands that shook the holo slightly before he concentrated on the image itself. He saw a small child – a baby really – with dark black curls and caramel colored eyes. The boy – his young features were masculine enough already to identify him as such – was captured in a candid moment. He was sitting in a patch of deep green grass that was nearly as high as his head and sunlight – the setting had to be somewhere on Earth – shone down around him and glinted off his hair. The sun made the grass glow in verdant splendor and created deep red highlights among all the black curls on the boy's head. He was smiling enough to show one white tooth poking through his otherwise gummy grin.

Kaidan looked back at Shepard, and the confusion he felt coloring his face magnified when he saw her expression. She looked nervous, uncertain. It was such a foreign look for her he didn't recognize it at first. He waited for her to explain, unsure of the meaning of the holo or her expression. He watched as she swallowed nervously and cleared her throat before she finally spoke.

"His name is Caleb David Alenko… he's your son," she told him quietly.

~x~

_A/N - Ok, please don't kill me! I know I told you I hate cliffhangers - and I do! But it had to end here... You guys know me, though, I'll update tomorrow, promise! It's already written and I won't make you wait... *Ducks rotten fruit* Hate me? Fill out the form right below here ;-)**  
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	28. Loss and Gain

_A/N - I am sincerely sorry for torturing all of you, (and there are no cliffhangers in the rest of TTT, promise!) but here you go: the long awaited reaction! Before I send you off to it, a quick explanation of 'Caleb David'... I put a lot of thought into what Shepard would name their son... I thought she'd want something that would remind her of Kaidan, but not so much as to name him Jr. So I did some googling... the name Kaidan means companion (think Bioware knew that?) and so does Caleb... there you go... the David part I don't have to explain, right? All things within are courtesy of Bioware~_

_Thanks for your reviews Lyv, spaceconveyor, xBlackStars, Abionastar50, Jules Hawk, LexiXLover3, and Gabe97 (sorry for scrapping the omni-gel line, I love it too, just couldn't get there). Thanks also to everyone reading, following, favoriting! The feedback and support make my day... (and keep me at the keyboard writing the sequel to this fic - hint, hint!)  
_

_Special thanks as always to my beta, StoneburntHeart... who had to live through that clliffhanger for much longer than you... I sent her the reveal scene as soon as I wrote it - which was during the Tali loyalty mission, I believe... I'm evil *grin*_

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"My… son?" Kaidan echoed, sure that he hadn't heard her correctly, despite the evidence smiling at him with a one-toothed grin from the holo she still held.

Shepard nodded as tears streamed down her cheeks. She cleared her throat twice before she could speak. "I found out a few weeks after the _Normandy_. At first, I was so out of it that I ignored everything, but I finally went to a clinic…" She trailed off as memories of a less happy time chased over her face. She took a deep breath and continued. "Up until they told me - until I heard those words 'you're pregnant' - I was lost. I didn't know where to go, what to do. Most of that was losing you. Some of it was the _Normandy_. But when I found out I was pregnant, my life started again. I had a reason to go on, finally. I contacted the Alliance and put in a formal request for family leave. They had been kind, for those few weeks, and left me alone to grieve. Everyone but Anderson thought I was grieving the loss of ship and crew, maybe even friends. But Anderson knew it was more. He's always known me so well. When he heard about the request, he called me to his office. We sat and talked. I told him everything. I still didn't cry – I hadn't let myself cry yet, and now I had a reason to hope - so I managed to hold it together. But it was close. He listened to the whole thing, and when it was over, he didn't yell, he didn't judge… He told me he had fallen for a fellow officer once himself and he knew how complicated it could be. He finally just asked me what I was going to do. I think I decided right there on the spot. I told him I was going to Earth, to see your parents. He nodded, and then he hugged me. Shocked the hell out of both of us," she shook her head at the memory and gave a shaky laugh, and then she went on, "I left on a transport the next day."

"You went to my parents," Kaidan prompted her softly, remembering this part of the story, but wanting more details.

"I went in casual dress, hoping that I would get a chance to explain before they knew who I was," Shepard continued. "But your mom took one look at me, recognized me from the funeral, and held her arms open. I told you, I don't know how she knew… The instant she wrapped her arms around me, I started to cry. I must have cried for hours – it felt like days – while she cried with me at first, then she and your dad shuffled me inside. She sat me at the kitchen table and your dad made tea while she held my hand and I cried more. Somewhere in between all that, I managed to introduce myself and explain who I was – what we were to each other. When I finished drinking the tea, and the tears finally stopped, or at least slowed down, your mom took me by the hand and put me to bed in your old room. I woke up the next morning and made it to the bathroom just in time – morning sickness. When I came back out, your mom was standing outside the door. 'You'll stay and have our grandchild here,' she told me and then she walked me back to your room. She didn't ask, I didn't have to tell her, it was just settled. So I did. Caleb was born eight months after the _Normandy_," she finished her story and looked down at the holo, waiting for him to speak.

Kaidan still wasn't sure the shock had faded, and the only part of her story that sank in yet was the last sentence, so he did the quick mental math and questioned, "The night before Illos? Our first night?"

She easily read the meaning behind his vague questions. "Yeah," she answered with a nod.

"Is he… Is Caleb with my parents now?" Kaidan was starting to unravel the confusion and his thoughts were chaos. He didn't think he'd ever felt so many emotions at once before – which was saying something since he'd gone through both death and resurrection. For now, he concentrated on the important facts, while his mind whirled to process his feelings.

"Yeah," she answered, and then she added, "I didn't want to leave him – even after Anderson called. But then I saw you…" she trailed off on another sob.

"When I called my mom from Omega?" She nodded in response to his guess. "You were there with her?"

She nodded again then went on, "I was arranging transport to the Citadel – Anderson summoned me after you saw him – but I was planning on coming back to Earth. I knew Anderson wouldn't call for less than an important reason, but I couldn't see _any_ reason to leave Caleb for an extended time. After he was born – he just became my life. I was still on adjutant-leave from the Alliance – essentially semi-retired – but they sent me on missions from time to time. As time went on, they became less frequent, and I settled into being a mom. But when the call came, and your face came on screen – and neither your mom nor I doubted for a second it was you – that made everything different. Your mom turned to me and said 'go' with tears in _her_ eyes this time. I took the next transport to the Citadel. You know the rest."

Kaidan nodded and was quiet again as he thought. He tapped the holo she was still holding, and she answered his silent request and handed it over to him. He held it in his own hand and stared into the face of his own child. His son. Emotions swamped him again and he concentrated on those eyes – so like his own – that stared back at him from the holo. Even if he were the type of man to try to doubt or deny paternity, the proof was in his hands. There was no denying that this child carried Alenko genes. He felt a great rush of love for this child that he hadn't yet met. A child conceived in a night of desperate forbidden passion between two people who couldn't deny their love for one another any longer in the face of impending death. He thought whimsically that it might make a nice story for his son - when Caleb was old enough to hear it.

He felt a wave of love and gratitude for Shepard wash over him, too. He heard between the lines of her story – he had held her after her nightmare about Alchera – so he didn't kid himself that she was probably in the worst emotional state of her life when she had been given the news that she would be a mother. He knew from the brief discussions that they had about the subject that she wasn't close to her own mother – her mother was married to the Alliance and any other consideration was a distant second to that – so he appreciated that Shepard had chosen her own path. She had chosen to keep their child and raise him in a loving home with his parents. She had found life – and therefore hope – from his death.

Hard on the heels of those thoughts came anger, resentment, and sorrow. She had been on board the _Normandy_ all these weeks, he had been living in her cabin for much of that time, and she hadn't told him they had a child? She had denied him the joy of fatherhood in their reunion… and why? He had held her just the day before after Liara had revealed the other secret Shepard had kept from him and asked her to trust him, to share with him, and still she had kept Caleb from him. He tried to dismiss those feelings – they made him feel shameful and selfish – and cling to the love but they kept resurfacing. He found he couldn't see past them.

He must have been silent and thinking for too long because Shepard finally stirred, placed her hand on his to get his attention, and said, "Kaidan?"

Just his name – but a question – with a world of meaning in it. She was so good at that - turning his name into an entire sentence that could have so many different meanings. He was tired, emotional, and confused and he found – for once in their relationship – that he didn't have the patience to give her what she needed. Instead, he answered her question with one word of his own, but there was no doubt to its meaning. "Go," he said quietly but firmly.

Shepard looked back at him and the confusion he felt was mirrored in her eyes and her face paled as his directive sank in. Still, she repeated, "Go?" making it also a question.

"Go," he repeated, and this time his voice was flat. "I can't talk about this right now."

Her head snapped back as if he had literally hit her and for the briefest moment he wanted to take it back. Instead, he closed his eyes and tried to shut out her pain _and_ his pain. He heard her quiet footsteps and soft sound of the med-bay door closing behind her before he opened his eyes again. When he looked at the holo of his son a moment later, Caleb's image was blurred by the tears in his father's eyes.

~x~

He must have slept, after a long time of staring at the picture of the son he didn't know he had but already loved with all the fierceness his heart could manage. He still hadn't sorted his thoughts about his son's mother out but he had learned one thing from their relationship. Not talking about their problems was the absolute worst solution for him and Shepard. He wasn't sure what he would say, only that he needed to say something. He wasn't surprised that she wasn't here beside him after his dismissal – that hadn't been one of his better moments. He wasn't ready to forgive her, but he still regretted treating her that way.

He sat up on the side of the cot and discovered that he was in decent condition. His head hurt with a dull ache, but after years of L2 migraines, this headache was more an annoyance than real pain. He had none of the dizziness or nausea his doctors had warned could be a side effect. He stood and began searching for his clothes. Dr. Chakwas noticed his movement and rushed over to lecture him.

"Kaidan," she began in her stern crisp tones, "you just had major surgery a day ago. You're not ready to leave."

They argued back and forth for ten minutes, but he finally won. After he agreed to submit to multiple scans and she declared him sufficiently healed. He fudged a bit when she questioned him about his pain – it truly wasn't serious enough to warrant her intervention in his experienced opinion. She eventually threw her hands up and gave in. She handed him his clothes without another word and went back to her desk. Kaidan dressed in record speed and left the med-bay.

He searched the Normandy from top to bottom and sighed in frustration when he didn't find Shepard. Finally, he remembered EDI and questioned her, "EDI, where is Shepard?"

"Commander Shepard is not on board," EDI replied, "Operative Lawson has the deck as temporary XO."

Ok, if he didn't know any better, he'd think the AI was avoiding him. He tried again, pointing out the flaw in her answer, "EDI, I didn't ask where Shepard isn't, I asked where she is."

There was a pause before EDI answered this time, and he was fairly sure she didn't need the time to process her answer. He sensed Joker's hand in this and was preparing to head to the cockpit to confirm his suspicion when Joker himself replied, "Kaidan, she disembarked a few hours ago – to Omega, that's where we're docked."

"Ok, so why the runaround?" Kaidan replied, irritation rising.

"Maybe cause you just had your head hacked open and Omega isn't good for people with all their brains not oozing out their skulls?" Joker shot back acerbically.

"My brains are fine, thanks," Kaidan laughed at the joke, and then he heard what Joker wasn't saying. If Shepard had just disembarked to run an errand or visit a shop, why was Joker trying so hard to keep it from him? "Joker, why would **I** go to Omega?"

"Shit," Joker replied as he realized his big mouth had hurt him again. He gave in and confessed, "She disembarked with Samara. She was wearing her clothes from Kasumi's job and she wasn't armed."

So many things about that statement were alarming; Kaidan didn't know where to begin. Instead, he just echoed, "Shit," and ran to get his gear.

~x~

Kaidan really hadn't expected to ever be standing in front of Aria T'Loak again after he had given in to his conscience and delivered the takeover plan he had discovered while recruiting Garrus to her. She had been slightly more subdued on that occasion, but not enough that his skin didn't crawl after. Today, however, she was civil – for Aria – and all business.

"Lieutenant Alenko," she drawled and motioned him to seat on the couch opposite her. She waited until he had complied, then went on, "two visits from _Normandy_ crew in one day… to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Shepard was here?" Kaidan asked in clarification of her vague declaration.

"Hmm," Aria answered non-committally. "She was looking for information on an Ardat-Yakshi. I sent her to the mother of the creature's latest victim."

"And who would that be?" Kaidan asked with a resigned sigh.

~x~

Kaidan wasted precious time – and made himself feel like an asshole – questioning the victim's mother, who had already talked to Shepard hours before, and picking through the young girl's personal belongings. He collected the clues that he was sure Shepard and Samara had already followed and headed back to Afterlife, cursing Aria once again. When he talked his way into the VIP section, he searched the room and saw no sign of Shepard. He began to question patrons of the club and finally found a pair of junkies that remembered 'a hot redhead in a slinky black dress' leaving with an asari. More careful questioning – ok they were blatant threats – revealed the location of Morinth's apartment. He rushed to the address hoping that he wasn't too late. He was fully aware that Shepard was deadly, even unarmed, but the picture that had formed of Morinth during his investigation was one of untold horror. He wasn't sure what the Ardat-Yakshi was truly capable of, but if someone had included flying, shape-changing or blood drinking on the list, he wouldn't have questioned it anymore.

He hacked the lock on Morinth's door and moved inside the foyer, trying to keep his entry as silent as possible. He spotted Shepard seated on the couch in the living area. The asari – Morinth – was sitting beside her crowding her personal space. He listened in rising panic as the tableau unfolded.

He couldn't hear what Morinth was saying from his hiding spot but he could hear the tone of her voice, pitched low and hypnotic. In another setting, he might have called it seductive, but here it was too sinister to have any sexual implications. He held his breath and waited for Shepard to move, argue, or push Morinth away. Instead, she seemed to draw closer, and her eyes were wide and blank. When her voice came, it was low and halting, and she sounded mesmerized. He could only see her profile from his position but it was enough to see that she was pale, wide-eyed, and shaking. He refused to allow the sick feeling of guilt that he may be partially responsible for this to rise. He couldn't afford it right now. He spent precious moments trying to decide if she was acting; playing along with Morinth until Samara arrived. And where was the justicar? How could she leave Shepard alone with this monster? He set those questions aside as unimportant as his guilt right now.

When Shepard still hadn't given any indication that she was a willing participant in this game, Kaidan began to review his options. He hadn't needed the warnings he had been given during his investigation that Morinth was a powerful biotic – she was an asari hunted by an asari justicar – that said it all. He knew his biotics had increased in strength significantly since he had come to terms with his new implant and learned to leave the control to the hardware while he concentrated on the power. He didn't fool himself that he was strong enough to take on an Ardat-Yakshi though. He wondered if even Samara was strong enough, but since she wasn't here, it was a moot question. He did, however, have an advantage that neither Morinth nor Shepard had. He had his pistol. Perhaps it wouldn't be enough to kill Morinth, but it might tip the balance combined with his biotics. He drew his pistol and took a deep breath to give himself the patience to force himself through the routine of checks and preparation as a new voice came from behind him.

"Goddess," Samara breathed in her low voice. For once, Kaidan noted that she didn't sound calm – there had been a distinct shake to her tone. "I had not intended to leave her alone so long."

"We can talk about it later," Kaidan gritted, trying for patience, "can you handle Morinth?"

She gave a slight nod and if he thought it was a little unsure, he chose to set the doubt aside. He raised his barrier and moved toward Shepard and Morinth with his pistol drawn.

~x~

When it was over and Morinth was dead, Kaidan shoved aside the emotion of watching – helping – Samara kill her own child. He was new to being father himself and although he hadn't yet met or held his son, he couldn't imagine a horror more extreme than having to be responsible for Caleb's death. Since just forming that thought made him sick to his stomach, and there were too many other emotions still swirling in his mind, he refused to dwell on it. He felt like a coward quietly walking drag to their trio and allowing Shepard the burden of providing what little comfort the justicar allowed. He blocked out the sound of their quiet voices and his own louder thoughts and concentrated simply on walking. When they reached the _Normandy_, he read Shepard's silent signal that she would accompany Samara to her quarters and do what little she could for her and answered her with a nod. He took the elevator to the loft to wait for her there.

When the cabin door shut behind him, he searched for the crates he had used to transfer his belongings into the quarters weeks ago, and began the process of filling them again. He didn't dwell on the contrast of emotions he felt performing the task this time, it was simply a task to perform. He still intended to talk to Shepard when she joined him, but he packed anyway. He needed something to occupy himself until she arrived, and he wasn't planning on staying after they talked. He actually managed to so fully absorb himself in the menial task; he didn't hear her enter the cabin. It was her voice that alerted him to her presence.

"You're packing?" she asked with pained confusion coloring her voice.

He knew that her question actually meant 'why are you packing?' – unlike Chambers, she was smart enough to know what he was doing and what the implications of the action were – but he needed time to gather his thoughts so he answered it as asked. "Yes," he said simply.

When she sighed in frustration and sank down on the couch and silently watched him, he set aside the socks he was holding and sat on the corner of the bed and faced her. As on another occasion not so long ago, there were so many things that needed said, and neither of them knew where to start, so silence reigned. It was tense and uncertain and Kaidan finally tried to say something, anything. He wasn't sure what he would have said, but he was saved the effort when she spoke first.

"I shouldn't have told you like that," her voice was flat and quiet but he heard the pain she was trying to mask anyway, "It wasn't fair. I just never thought you wouldn't be happy…" she trailed off and her voice broke on a sob.

He leaned forward on the bed and reached for her hands. They were cold as ice and she trembled. Angry as he was, he couldn't let her suffer for the wrong reason. When she met his gaze, her eyes were filled with tears and he realized with a start that he hadn't ever seen her cry before the _Normandy_ went down. Clearly that event – and everything that followed – had changed her, shaped her into a different person. Since he figured she might say the same about him, he didn't dwell on it. Instead, he rushed to reassure her that she had jumped to the wrong conclusion after his rejection in the med-bay. He hadn't been rejecting her, and certainly not Caleb, but rather he simply hadn't been emotionally capable of talking about the situation at that time.

"Shepard, no," Kaidan said softly, brushing the tears away from her cheeks, "I'm happy – about Caleb. I'm ecstatic to be a father. I already love him more than you can imagine. That's not why I made you leave." He sat back again when her shoulders straightened from their slump and confusion rather than tears filled her eyes. He continued speaking, answering the unspoken question in her eyes, "It was too much, all at once. So yeah, your timing was bad. And in more ways than one."

"What do you mean?" she asked even as she nodded and accepted his explanation.

"Why would you keep this from me for so long?" Kaidan asked, and he found the anger rising and shoving aside the sympathy and guilt he felt for her suffering. "Why wait until after I woke up from surgery to tell me about my son?" He stood and began pacing, as the anger and pain grew within him, and continued speaking, bowling over her answers and protests. "All this time, we've lived in this cabin together… I get that at first you wouldn't want Cerberus to overhear - I'll even forgive you for not using the other parts of the ship you knew were surveillance-free for such a private conversation – but once this cabin was safe? Why not then? How could you lie beside me every night, make love with me, and not tell me about my son? What? I'm good enough to _fuck_ but not good enough to trust with our child?" He came to stop in front of her – she was still sitting on the couch – and he saw his last words hit her with the impact of a physical blow. The second time in so many days that he had caused her to flinch from him. He hated himself for it, but he hated her more, even as he loved her with all his heart.

"Kaidan…" she began, her voice full of hurt, then she trailed off.

"Don't 'Kaidan' me," he bit off, angry and hurt himself, "answer my question."

"I couldn't," she finally said in a quiet and flat voice that held no tremble. "I couldn't tell you while the leash was still there. I couldn't take the chance."

"You couldn't trust me with my own son?" he restated for clarification.

"I didn't trust Cerberus, not you," she argued. "I failed once – I didn't protect you. I wasn't going to fail our son. Caleb is all I had. He's everything to me."

"He's not all you had – not anymore," he corrected, "and I deserved the truth. Do you really think I would have let _anything_ – Cerberus, leash, Collectors, **anything** – harm my son? I would have **died** first. You know me better than that, Shepard."

She was openly crying again. She took several deep breaths and tried to hide her tears, compose herself, and a little part of him died again to see her trying to hide from him. "I couldn't take the chance," she repeated quietly.

They stared at each other in silence for long moments, neither knew what to say, what to add. Once again, they were on opposite sides of a sea of hurt. They loved each other, they shared a child, but neither knew if the distance between them could be breached this time. Finally, he broke the silent standoff and went back to his packing. She left the cabin without speaking again.


	29. The Distance Between

_A/N - In case it wasn't clear before, one of the major issues I have with ME2 that I wanted to fix in my rewrite was TIM giving you the Reaper IFF info so early, then you just wander off through the galaxy solving everyone's Daddy issues as though you didn't have the key to ending the threat right there. Sorry, my Shepard doesn't act that way... sigh... Soooo... in TTT, TIM has had to send people to find the info while Shenko was busy with loyalty missions, see? Anyway, Bioware still deserves all the credit, though they don't always make sense lol._

_Gabe97, Lyv, Jules Hawk, and AirForceBrat (hey there, welcome to the party!) thanks for the reviews! Your opinion matters to me so thanks for taking the time to share it :-) Lyv - never apologize for long reviews, I love to hear what you're thinking :-) Jules Hawk, sorry for the pain, but I truly believe that fics are more real if the people in them act like real people, right? And Shenko are no different than most - they have issues of stubbornness and miscommunication (and poor timing!) but they love each other - and I'm a Shenko shipper to the end, so don't fear! We have more angst ahead, but we will come out on the other side... eventually XD_

_To everyone else reading, following, favoriting - and most especially to my awesome beta - StoneburntHeart, thank you so much for staying with me through this long, long journey!_

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"Commander Shepard," the Illusive Man drawled as his cigarette-smoking holo scanned in front of her, "you're looking well."

Since Shepard had no illusions that she looked like anything but shit after the near-sleepless night she had spent tossing and turning (and crying) in her bed solo, she guessed that the bastard's comment was in reference to her injuries on the Collector ship. Still, she didn't rise to the bait – she was too damn tired and frustrated over more important issues to play verbal games with Cerberus today.

"Illusive Man," she greeted in a flat voice, "why am I here?"

"We have a science team working on a derelict Reaper right now," he answered after a drag on his smoke, "I need you to go pick up its IFF."

"Where did you find a derelict Reaper?" she asked in surprise.

"An Alliance team recently determined that the "Great Rift" on planet Klendagon is actually an impact crater from a mass accelerator weapon," the Illusive Man tapped his cigarette on his ashtray and continued, "A very old mass accelerator. I sent a team to find either the weapon or its target. They found both. The weapon was defunct, but it helped us plot the flight path of the intended target – a 37 million year old derelict Reaper. We found it damaged and trapped in the gravity of a brown dwarf."

As usual, Shepard ignored the science and clung to the one hard fact she knew from her own experience. "I saw what Sovereign did to the Citadel fleet. Hard to imagine anything could stop something that powerful."

"This vessel is a relic from a battle waged while mammals took their first steps on Earth," the Illusive Man was persistent. He took a sip of his bourbon and continued, "There's no trace of the species that took the shot. Perhaps it was their one moment of defiance before being wiped out. The Reaper has a mass effect field that keeps it in orbit. Likely an automated response to the external threats. It's stable, but I wouldn't call it safe."

"Another 'derelict' ship?" Shepard countered. "Do you think I'll fall for that twice?"

"Whether or not you agree with me, you can't argue that the mission on the Collector ship was a success, and you've recovered completely." He was unruffled, "Cerberus wants to defeat the Collectors as much as you do, and the IFF is necessary to get you through the Omega-4 relay to do that. But, as I said, I am warning you in advance of the danger. We lost contact with Dr. Chandana's team shortly after they boarded. Initial reconnaissance revealed no clues – and it was too risky to commit more resources. But we need that IFF."

The challenge in his explanation may have been buried in the banal explanation, but Shepard heard it loud and clear. And once again, she cursed his intelligence and manipulations - even as she couldn't resist rising to that challenge. "Fine, send me the coordinates," she snapped and ended the conference.

~x~

From one difficult conversation to another, Shepard thought as she approached the closed door to Starboard Cargo on the engineering deck. She hadn't been able to drift off into the little sleep she'd managed last night until she had finally asked EDI where Kaidan had settled. She had winced when she heard that he'd chosen this room – nothing more than a hole in a wall that shared space with the ship's refuse compactor system, and regretted giving Starboard Observation to Samara. Not that she could have predicted that he'd move out of their cabin after she finally confessed her secret.

She still felt guilty for keeping Caleb from him for so long, but looking back, she couldn't see how she would have done anything differently. Even if she could have known the results in advance. She loved Kaidan with all her heart, but Caleb was her soul, her child. She had spent two years protecting him with the same fierceness that she had ever fought her enemies. She had hidden him – and as a result, herself – away at the Alenko's house in the orchard and committed herself to ensuring that he would have a life safe from any threat. It was the promise she had made to Caleb the first time she held him, and one she wouldn't ever break – not even for her love of his father.

She wasn't sure how Kaidan would receive her – if he would at all – and hesitated before she knocked. After her conversation with the Illusive Man, she had arrived on the Engineering deck almost without thought. Instinct, born of her time with Kaidan on the original _Normandy_ and reinforced ten-fold since their reunion, had driven her to seek the person she most trusted to dissect the issues ahead and plan their strategy. Personal issues aside, she needed Kaidan for professional reasons now, and she hoped that he would be able to compartmentalize as well as they ever had. She took a deep breath and rapped on the door and heard Kaidan's response. She entered the room and mentally cringed at the small cot tucked in the corner of the cold dirty room. He was sitting at a desk he had fashioned from three storage crates and she approached him warily.

"Kaidan…" Shepard began hesitantly before she trailed off when he met her eyes. His whiskey-colored gaze was trying for bland but she saw the hurt underneath. Thoughts of her purpose fled before her guilt at his hurt and she changed tactics. "Can we talk?" she asked quietly, not sure what she could say, just desperate to fix this, to erase that hurt. At his hesitant nod, she perched on the crate opposite his chair and took a deep breath. While she searched for words, Kaidan filled the silence for her.

"Tell me about him," he said quietly.

Shepard knew that Miranda's first act after changing allegiances had been to block surveillance throughout the _Normandy_, so they were safe to speak about Caleb openly. That didn't cause her hesitation. Instead, it was the painful lump that rose when she reached for her memories of her son to share with Kaidan. The thought that she hadn't seen him for so long – and may not ever see him again, given the danger of their mission – was what stole her breath for long seconds before she smiled and began to speak.

"He's amazing," she answered with a soft smile. "He's always been a happy baby – even your mother says it's unusual, although I'm sure she's as prejudiced as I am." A laugh of love and pride escaped and she continued, "He's very curious – I think he took his first steps because there was something out his reach that he wanted to pick up and check out – and he's fearless. He stopped my heart once when he toddled over the neighbor's dog when it wandered into the orchard. The dog was barking and growling but Caleb just wandered over and put his hand on its head. By the time I got to their side, the dog was licking Caleb's face and they were fast friends." Her face was distant, her eyes turned inward on her own memories, and she paused. Her voice quieted and she added, "Sometimes he reminds me so much of you it hurts. He'll get so serious - strange because he's always smiling otherwise – and pick something up to study it closely. He looks like a younger version of you when he does that." She focused back on Kaidan now, remembering Caleb and wanting to compare her memory to the reality in front of her. She started when she saw the tears on his cheeks. "Kaidan, I'm sorry…" she began.

"No, thank you, Shepard," Kaidan said softly. "Thank you for making him real to me."

She nodded, a little choked with tears herself. "I wish I had more than just the holo to give you," she indicated the image of Caleb that he had placed in a position of honor on his makeshift desk with a motion of her hand, "but I couldn't risk Cerberus finding any evidence. I've worked so hard to keep him a secret, to keep him safe…" She broke off and she realized she had inadvertently reminded them both of the reason for their fight.

"I know you want to protect him, Shepard," Kaidan cut in, "I get that. I even thank you for keeping our son safe. But I'm not someone you need to protect Caleb from."

"I wasn't trying to-" she began before he spoke over her and cut her off.

"Shepard, I don't want to fight about this again," Kaidan said firmly, "why are you here?"

"The Illusive Man has tracked down the IFF we need," she replied, accepting his dismissal and turning her head to business, "it's on a derelict Reaper. I came to ask for your help. I know things between us aren't good, but I don't want to go into this without my best team – and that means you. And I thought, after the thing with Morinth… You saved me, even though you were angry…" she trailed off, uncertain.

"I'll always save you, Shepard," Kaidan replied. His voice was firm and didn't waver. "No matter our differences, I love you. I'd never sit back and let you walk into danger alone."

He stole her breath with his simple truth. When she had it back, she nodded and said, "Thank you."

He returned her nod, and then turned to the business at hand. "Tell me about the mission."

They spent several hours reviewing the information from the Illusive Man, debating team composition, and planning strategy. They didn't discuss their relationship any further, but when Shepard left to put their plans in motion, both their hearts were lighter.

~x~

As they approached the two-kilometer hulk of the dead Reaper orbiting the gas giant Mnemosyne in eternal – but not peaceful – slumber, the _Normandy_ began to shake as if she were an old time seafaring vessel on stormy seas. Shepard rushed from the armory, where she was completing preparations, into the cockpit and saw Joker frantic at the helm controls.

"What's with all the chop, Joker?" she questioned with concern.

"Doing my best," her pilot shot back grimly, "the wind's gusting to 500 kph."

Shepard gripped the back of Joker's chair to steady herself as another round of turbulence unbalanced her. Joker's next words threw her equilibrium in a different way.

"There's a second ship alongside the Reaper," he informed her, "It's not transmitting any IFF but the ladar paints its silhouette as geth."

"I guess that's why Cerberus lost contact with their science team," Shepard replied.

The _Normandy_ continued to shake for several more moments until suddenly everything leveled out again.

"What just happened?" Shepard asked, alarmed by the quiet just as she had been with the chaos.

"The Reaper's mass effect fields are still active. We just passed inside their envelope." Joker explained. "Eye of the hurricane, huh?" he mumbled as Shepard headed out of the cockpit to join her team.

~x~

The squad stepped out of the airlock and into the interior of a Reaper. Shepard and Kaidan had spent more time during their strategy session on the issue of a third squadmate than any other. It had also been the closest they'd come to arguing. Shepard wanted another 'nerd' and had put Mordin or Tali on her short list; Kaidan suggested more firepower and nominated Grunt, Garrus, or even Jacob. After some further bickering, they compromised on Miranda. Now, Shepard was pleased with the choice, since Miranda gave them the benefit of some inside Cerberus knowledge along with both firepower and science skills.

Shepard paused once the airlock closed behind them and looked around. They were essentially walking around in the guts of an organic/synthetic hybrid being, but it looked strangely like any other starship interior. Despite the other ship hovering outside, there was no sign of geth presence in the immediate area and the team searched a small lab for clues on Dr. Chandana's team. They discovered one of the doctor's logs which detailed increasing edginess of the crew and the creepy atmosphere of the dead Reaper in general. In the next corridor, another log was a recording of a member of the science team's growing skepticism over the mission in general and Dr. Chandana in particular. Clearly things with the Cerberus group were headed for bad long before the geth showed up.

They opened the door to the next room and the ship rocked. As they recovered their balance, Joker's voice came over the com.

"_Normandy to shore party!"_

"What just happened?" Shepard questioned in reply.

"_The Reaper just put up kinetic barriers. I don't think we can get through from our side."_

"Shepard, as much as I'd love to complete this mission, being trapped on a Reaper is not a good way to go," Miranda put in grimly.

"Agreed," Shepard said shortly, "Any ideas?"she asked Miranda.

It was Kaidan that answered. "We'll have to take down the barrier generators from in here," he advised.

"Ok," Shepard nodded. "Any idea where those are?" she asked the squad in general this time.

"_At the moment of activation, I detected a heat spike in what is likely the wreck's mass effect core. Sending the coordinates to you now," _EDI answered over the com.

"Got it," Shepard said as she accessed her omni-tool to review the information.

"_Be advised – the core is also maintaining the Reaper's altitude," _EDI added helpfully.

"So when we take the barriers down to escape, the wreck falls into the planet core," Kaidan translated.

"_And that means everyone dies,"_ Joker added helpfully.

"You two are just full of great news today," Shepard grumbled. "Ok, listen… Joker, if any helmsman can pull us off this thing before it reaches crush depths, it's you. That's why I requested you," she said over the coms. She turned to squad and her eyes met Kaidan's to communicate more than her actual instructions, "We'll make a sweep for survivors and recover the IFF," at Kaidan's and Miranda's nod, she opened coms to the _Normandy_ again. "Stand by, Joker."

"_Aye, aye. Good hunting,"_ came the reply.

~x~

By the time the first wave of husks attacked, a grim picture of the Cerberus team's fate had become clear. Apparently, the scientists had fallen prey to the Reaper's indoctrination and the corpses that littered the corridors showed damage not just from husks. The husks themselves presented no real challenge to the squad; they worked together in silent accord to combine their skills to defeat them. Nor was Reaper ground troops' presence on a Reaper corpse surprising. What did surprise them were the shots from an unseen sniper. The shots targeted the last of the wave of husks, not Shepard and her squad.

"They weren't shooting at us," Shepard stated speculatively to Kaidan and Miranda.

"Maybe a survivor from the Cerberus team?" Miranda posited.

"Fairly good aim for a scientist," Kaidan countered.

"Yeah," Shepard agreed with them both. "Let's spread out a bit so they don't have an easy target if they decide they're not friendly," she ordered. The squad spread their formation a bit in response. Shepard nodded in satisfaction and motioned them forward. That's when all hell broke loose.

~x~

After they dispatched a new, larger wave of husks which were bolstered by several Scions, the squad was dragging in exhaustion and Miranda had a fairly nasty gash on her upper arm. Kaidan had field dressed the wound, but her arm still hung limply. Thankfully, it wasn't her dominant side and she could still wield her smg, albeit in a less desirable one-handed grip. They moved through a door into a new section and the sniper fired again. Shepard turned to see two husks that had stalked behind her fall dead at her feet. She turned back to the sniper. To the utter shock of all three humans, it was a geth – and wore tattered body armor on its torso and arms that still bore the characteristic N7 red stripe.

"Shepard-Commander," the geth greeted in a flat electronic tone, and then it escaped into the maze of catwalks while the team stood agog.

"Interesting," Miranda commented in a speculative voice, "I've never known geth to communicate with organics."

"I'm more _interested_ in how it knows Shepard," Kaidan added, and his voice was full of concern.

"We'll ask it when we catch up to it," Shepard settled the debate, "Let's move."

~x~

After another protracted fight with more husks and scions, the team paused outside the door that separated them from EDI's coordinates. Kaidan fixed Miranda's dressing, which had become dislodged in the fight and allowed her wound to start bleeding again. Shepard noticed a terminal in the corridor and approached it. She was surprised to find that it was not locked, and she easily accessed the data it contained.

"The Reaper IFF is right here waiting for us," Shepard reported to the rest of the squad.

Kaidan finished tying off Miranda's bandage and she wandered to Shepard and peered over her shoulder at the data transfer she initiated with her omni-tool.

"She's right," Miranda confirmed, "so the Cerberus team must have found it. But where are they now?"

Shepard turned and met Kaidan's eyes. Her eyes clearly transmitted an order – you tell her. Kaidan nodded and sighed when Shepard turned back to the terminal.

"Um, we've been fighting them all along," he told Miranda. "It's the same thing that the Reapers did to the colonists on Eden Prime."

"Dear god," Miranda breathed as her face paled. "I read the reports, but it seemed so horrific…" her voice trailed off and she shuddered visibly.

There was an awkward moment of uneasy silence until Shepard's data transfer completed with a ping. She turned back to Kaidan and Miranda and broke it with crisp orders. "The core is all that's left – let's take it out and get the hell off this heap." She moved to the door without waiting for confirmation.

The doors slid open and they saw the geth sniper across the room, working at the control panel, and the husks that swarmed around it. It completed its work at the control panel and a kinetic barrier guarding the glowing mass effect core dropped. The geth turned to fire at the husks, but was overwhelmed quickly.

"Flanking positions – keep those husks off me," Shepard cried as she charged the enemies remaining in the center catwalk and in front of the core. Once those were dispatched, she drew the Collector particle beam and trained the heavy weapon on the blinking eye of the core. Out of her peripheral vision, she noted Kaidan and Miranda – twin barriers raised – fighting off swarms of husks with combinations of biotics and gunfire.

The shutters of the 'eye' protecting the core closed several times under her assault and she turned assist the squadmate that was fighting the most targets during those intervals. Thankfully, the shutter opened again without any prompting from the team and eventually, Shepard destroyed the core.

The ground under them shook as the Reaper's mass effect fields began to fall. Shepard pointed to the inert geth at her feet and ordered, "Someone grab this thing, it's still intact."

"Are you crazy, Shepard?" Kaidan countered in complete insubordination but too freaked out to care.

"Not at this moment, _Lieutenant_," Shepard growled at him, stressing his rank. After a tense silent standoff, he sighed and gave in. He picked the geth up and slung it over his shoulder. The squad turned on the catwalk and saw the _Normandy_ approached through the hull breached that yawned ahead of them.

"_Hang on, folks,"_ Joker called over the com as he brought the _Normandy_ parallel to their position.

"Open the port side airlock," Shepard called back.

When Joker complied a moment later, she nodded to Kaidan and he threw the geth across the distance. It landed safely inside the _Normandy_. He turned back to Shepard and gritted his teeth when he saw her maintain her current position on the crumbling catwalk and wave to Miranda, who jumped to the _Normandy_ herself and landed in a tuck and roll. Shepard turned to Kaidan and gave him the same wave. He knew she would be last to leave but he still hesitated until she waved again, more urgently. He was still seething as he jumped himself, performing the same maneuver as Miranda. He turned back, his heart in his throat, and saw Shepard leap just as the catwalk collapsed. She landed beside him and stood. She met his glare and shrugged casually, then ran for the cockpit. Kaidan picked up the geth and headed for the med-bay. He'd deposit the thing in the AI core until he and Shepard talked.

~x~

Kaidan was still sitting in the med-bay, just outside the doors to the AI core, and still fully armored when Shepard arrived half an hour later. She was dressed in her typical med-bay uniform and her hair was damp, so Kaidan knew she had taken time after ensuring the _Normandy's_ safe escape from the Reaper to shower and change. She waved to Dr. Chakwas, who understood the silent signal and left without comment. Shepard approached Kaidan and stopped about a meter away, leaned against a counter, and crossed her arms.

"I thought we'd be able to work together despite our differences," she began. She stared into his face and her own expression was carefully masked.

"We can," he argued, "We did."

"Until you decided to disobey one order and hesitate at another," she shot back, and her voice was rising in irritation now. "What gives, Kaidan? We've never had these issues before."

"You've never been the mother of my child before," Kaidan retorted, with equal anger, "So forgive me if I'm a little protective."

Her reply was interrupted by a discreet cough from behind them. Both heads turned and saw Miranda standing in the doorway, with a sheepish look on her face.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," she said quietly, moving into the room, "I came to deal with this," she pointed at the wound on her arm. She ruffled through a few drawers and withdrew various supplies.

She headed back to the door with her bounty in her hands, but turned back to them before she exited. "For what it's worth, let me add my opinion to the discussion about activating the geth I'm sure you two will get to eventually… I'm as curious about it as you are, Shepard, but you should consult with EDI over the safety of such an action before you consider it. I'll be in my office if you need me." The doors closed behind her and Kaidan and Shepard turned back to each other as if she hadn't interrupted.

"Being Caleb's mother doesn't change the fact that I'm your commanding officer in combat," Shepard gritted in response to Kaidan's comment. Then she sighed and slumped a bit, her whole manner changed. "I don't understand you. You're angry and you move out, you rush to my rescue like a knight in shining armor, we talk and you push me away again, and then you forget the chain of command completely and act like an over protective boyfriend. Which is it, Kaidan? Do you love me or hate me?"

He released his breath with a sibilant hiss before he answered her in a low growl, "Both." She looked startled and he went on, his voice still pitched low but less angry, "I've never stopped loving you; I just don't know how to forgive you."

Shepard held his gaze for long moments, considering his words, before she finally spoke in an equally low tone, "Fine. But I don't know how we can work together like this."

"We don't have a choice," he replied, "the Collectors are too big a threat for us to let anything stand in our way." He sighed and went on, "I won't question your orders in combat again – I was wrong today, it wasn't the time or the place. I'm sorry that I let my personal feelings get in the way of my duty, Commander. It won't happen again."

She searched his face again, and read the truth in his promise. She nodded. "Ok, I have to trust you, because you're right – I can't face the Collectors without you – not if I expect to live through it." She paused and drew Commander Shepard around her like a cloak and spoke with the voice of a ranking officer to a subordinate when she asked, "Would you like to weigh in now about activating the geth as well, Lieutenant?"

"I probably shouldn't press my luck, Commander," he began, trying to keep his tone business-like and casual, "and I certainly should know better than to question your judgment after my time serving with you… But I agree with Miranda that we should take all precautions, ma'am." He stood and moved to parade rest, waiting her orders.

"Noted," she replied, giving him a crisp salute that was more symbolic than proper. When he returned it, she dropped her hand and nodded. "Dismissed," she told him before she walked to the door of the AI core without a backwards glance.

He silently watched her enter the room and close the door behind her before he walked out of the med-bay.


	30. Seeing Things More Clearly

_A/N - hopefully you guys are ok with my explanation of why Legion still wears Shepard's armor - it was the best my beta and I could come up with when we talked about it - and I wanted to maintain that image, because its a powerful symbol... The image of Legion in pink Phoenix armor (another serious *glare* at Bioware here - NO ONE in my ME1 plays wears that pink crap, most certainly not Kaidan!) just didn't work for me lol... Still, all credit for ME in all its forms goes to Bioware, even if they dress them in ridiculous-looking armor. Sigh._

_Gabe97, Lyv, Jules Hawk, Letticiae, and AirForceBrat, thank you so much for your reviews! You all had such wonderful, kind words and it means so much to me!... AirForceBrat, you in particular made my day yesterday with so many reviews as you worked your way from beginning to (current) end... it was like writing TTT all over again, yay :-) To everyone else out there following along, I see you in the rising hit counter and I appreciate you, too! Thank you, thank you, thank you!_

_As always, I give special thanks to my awesome beta, StoneburntHeart :-)_

* * *

When Shepard left the newly christened 'Legion' in the AI core to begin analyzing the data he had been sent to retrieve from the Reaper husk, she felt the beginnings of a tension headache and reached up to rub her neck. Of all the information imparted in the strange conversation, his – she had been unable to convince her subconscious to use 'it' for Legion, though she knew he was neither masculine or feminine - explanation about why he had repurposed her own armor confused her the most. The dialog still echoed in her mind on a constant playback loop.

"_When we took you aboard, I noticed you have a piece of N7 armor welded to you. Where did you get it?"_

"_It was yours. When you disappeared, we were sent to find you. We began where you first encountered the heretics."_

"_Eden Prime."_

"_After the Old Machine's attack, it was heavily defended. We were discovered. This is the impact of a rifle shot."_

"_You've been looking for me for two years?"_

"_We visited Therum. Feros. Noveria. Virmire. Ilos. A dozen unsettled worlds. The trail ended at Normandy's wreckage. You were not there. We recovered this piece of your hard suit from the debris."_

"_One of the spare sets from my locker. That doesn't explain why you used my armor to fix yourself."_

"_There was a hole."_

"_But why didn't you fix it sooner? Or with something else?"_

"_No data available."_

What did that mean? What did it make her to this geth? Or the geth in general? When she had decided to isolate herself from the world and concentrate only on her family – on Caleb – she hadn't considered a personal choice would have galactic impact. She had been sure, after Sovereign, that the Reapers were still a threat, but it had seemed distant. She had consoled herself that her regular nagging messages to the Alliance and the Council urging them to prepare had fulfilled her obligation regarding the Reapers and she turned her back on everything not related to her son. Raising and protecting Caleb had been her mission for two years and she tackled it with all the fervor that made her Commander Shepard. But now that decision appeared to have affected more than just her relationship with Kaidan – apparently the galaxy hadn't been willing to let Commander Shepard fade into the oblivion of motherhood and forget her. And if she had been wrong to ignore the galaxy, how much more wrong had she been to keep Caleb from the one person who could love and protect him as much as she did?

She was not used to questioning herself. She hated feeling insecure. Self-doubt and recriminations were something she never experienced prior to that cold night on Alchera. Sure, she had suffered over her decision on Virmire; but she had not, for one moment, doubted that she had made the right choice. She grieved for Ashley, but she drew the Alliance regs supporting her choice around her like a warm comforting blanket at the same time – and ignored the small voice in her head that told her she would have chosen Kaidan even if Alliance regs hadn't supported that decision.

She wanted comfort – she wanted Kaidan – and she despaired at the thought that she had made the gulf between them even wider during their latest confrontation. She walked slowly out the med-bay, unsure of where to go. She considered Joker and Garrus – they knew both Kaidan and her well – and then rejected them for the same reason. She was too busy criticizing herself to face their knowing looks too. She thought of Thane, he always provided her with peace and calm, but something - perhaps the knowledge that he now knew her as well as her other friends and wouldn't let her lie, either to herself or him - caused her to shy away from that choice as well. She finally settled on Samara. The justicar had a peace and inner calm that Shepard desperately needed right now, and she was still dealing with issues of grief of her own. She'd check in on Samara, and hopefully find some comfort for herself in the process. Decision made, Shepard walked with new found purpose to Starboard Observation.

~x~

Kaidan was showered and changed and sitting at his desk in his new quarters holding the holo of his son when the knock on his door interrupted his jumbled thoughts. He hesitated for a moment, thinking that if it was Shepard at the door she might think he was sleeping and leave, but his sense of duty finally won over his urge to hide and he called for his visitor to enter. He looked up in surprise to see it was Miranda who approached him. He set Caleb's image down on his desk and went to rise to greet her, but she sat down and waved at him to stay put. He settled back in his chair.

"Is that your son?" Miranda asked with a wave of her hand to indicate the holo.

Kaidan started in surprise until he remembered Miranda had walked in on his discussion with Shepard in the med-bay earlier. He sighed and nodded. "His name is Caleb," he told her.

"Fairly old trick – hiding in plain sight – that Shepard pulled off for two years," Miranda commented casually, "though I suspect that she had Alliance and maybe even Council help. Regardless, I can assure you that Cerberus doesn't know about your son."

Kaidan laughed without humor. "I didn't either – until after my surgery," he told her.

Miranda winced in sympathy. "Poor timing, I'm sure," she said slowly, "but perhaps Shepard thought she couldn't risk the information falling into the wrong hands while Cerberus could still manipulate you. Manipulation is the Illusive Man's favorite weapon – I should know. And I hesitate to guess what he'd do to your child if he knew he existed."

"She knows me better than that," Kaidan argued, "I would never have risked Caleb – leash or not."

"Perhaps," Miranda responded before she added, "but that's not something we'll ever know." She was quiet for a long moment before she spoke again in a low and pained voice, "What my father did to me – the way I was created – made it so that I can never have children. It's the one imperfection shining brightly amongst his stunning success," now her tone was bitter and filled with regret, "and it's the one thing that I hate the most about myself. So I know that if a miracle happened and I was blessed with a child of my own, I'd do anything to protect it. No matter who I hurt in the process."

"Miranda…" Kaidan began before he trailed off, unsure what to say to comfort her.

She shrugged him off and continued in a steadier voice, "I didn't come here to talk about that, and I'm sorry for coloring your issue with my own pain." She took a deep breath and then blew it out slowly before she changed the subject. "Do you know how you read something in an article or report and it doesn't seem real until you actually see it for yourself?" she asked. When he nodded, she went on, "That's how it was for me today, with those husks. I knew their origins – intellectually – I'd read every report since Eden Prime. But until it was staring me in the face, I didn't really _know_." Again she paused and blew out a breath. "Kaidan, Cerberus is far more sinister than you realize."

"What do you mean?" he asked as he sat forward in his chair, trying to read clues on her face.

"The Illusive Man knew the Collectors were working for the Reapers long before you discovered the link on Freedom's Progress." She paused as she watched her words sink in slowly then continued, "In fact, he leaked the _Normandy's_ whereabouts to the Collectors two years ago."

Kaidan sprang up from his chair with a force that knocked it back. Her words hit him with the impact of a physical blow and he wanted to strike back. He realized his biotics were flaring and he desperately grasped for the control he had worked so hard to maintain for so long and found that he needed many deep breaths before he found it. She stood patient and unafraid and waited until he finally relaxed enough to sit back down on the corner of his desk. He brought both hands up and swiped them over his face – a gesture reminiscent of the times he had been plagued with migraines. He realized now that he had a strong headache developing but it wasn't his new implant causing it. He reached for a response, tried to form any of the questions in his jumbled thoughts, and finally just sighed.

"Why?" he asked quietly, hoping she would understand everything behind the single word. Why had the Illusive Man caused the _Normandy's_ destruction – and his death? Why was Cerberus working with the Collectors? Why was a 'pro-human' organization trying to eradicate humanity's greatest weapon against their most dangerous enemy? And the final question that even his thoughts shied from because it was too horrible to consider… Why had Cerberus nearly killed Shepard, and his unborn son?

"I think that when the Illusive Man read the reports about the Reapers, he saw opportunity where everyone else saw threat," Miranda responded, "He saw a tool that humanity could – under the right circumstances and with the right resources – use to dominate the galaxy. Even when I followed him blindly, it was the thing that I had the most difficulty understanding and not questioning. But his plan had always been to recover Shepard and use my Lazarus project research to turn her into a Cerberus asset. He needed her to get him the key to controlling the Reapers."

"He's insane," Kaidan spat bitterly.

"Yes," Miranda agreed simply, "but he's also extremely intelligent, highly manipulative, and very resourceful. All those factors combined… I'd say he's just as dangerous a threat as the Reapers, if not more so."

"And now we've played right into his hands," Kaidan added, "we're doing exactly what he wants."

Miranda nodded, but then she clarified, "For now, your goals align with Cerberus'. The Illusive Man will do anything to make sure the _Normandy_ gets through the Omega-4 relay safely. That's why he's been forwarding the upgrade recommendations from his team of engineers that we've implemented along the way. He needs Shepard to reach the Collector homeworld safely."

"He just doesn't intend for us to return?" Kaidan guessed.

"I think whatever his endgame – and he hasn't shared that with anyone, not even me – once he uses Shepard to achieve it, he'll consider her expendable," Miranda confirmed.

"What about you?" Kaidan questioned as another thought struck him, "You're working for us now - won't he try to eliminate you?"

"He trusts me," Miranda reassured, "so he's allowed me certain autonomy on this mission. Even he doesn't have the time or energy to review constant surveillance… I've only forwarded relevant information to him through EDI as I discovered it so he won't question the lack of it now. I've continued to report to him as usual and kept up the pretense. As far as he knows, I'm still very much his agent and running the _Normandy_ for Cerberus."

"It's dangerous, Miranda," Kaidan cautioned. "If he discovers your ruse…"

"We have the IFF now," Miranda countered, "and EDI is working to integrate it into the _Normandy's_ systems. We shouldn't have to play the game much longer."

Kaidan nodded. He simply couldn't see another solution even if her words weren't true. "Why come to me with this, not Shepard?" he asked.

"I doubt Shepard would have restrained her anger as well as you did when I told you," Miranda said wryly. "You seemed the safer choice. Although I don't envy the task you have now."

"Yeah," Kaidan agreed quietly, "let's hope she doesn't kill the messenger. She's already not thrilled with me."

"Good luck," Miranda said with fake cheer as she stood to leave.

"Thanks, Miranda," Kaidan said as she walked out. He retrieved his chair and sunk back into it, then placed his head in both hands and went back to his thoughts. His headache was reaching near-migraine strength now.

~x~

Shepard listened to Samara's calm response to her casual question but didn't really hear the justicar's response. She'd been keeping the conversation light, asking questions about asari history and politics and Samara's background since she'd entered the room earlier. Really, she was just trying to work herself up to the question she really wanted to ask the other woman, and stalling for time while she found the courage to do so. When Samara finished her current sentence and glanced back to Shepard, she abruptly changed the subject and forced the issue.

"Shepard, you are not really interested in asari matriarchs and their biotic development policies," Samara stated calmly, without criticism. "Why not ask what you came here to know?"

Shepard took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then spoke in a rush of words, "How could you do it? How could you kill your own child?"

"How could I not?" Samara countered, her voice still unchanged.

"Didn't you love her? Want to protect her?" Shepard asked with rising emotion.

"I loved her more than anything," Samara said simply, "So much so that I could never allow anyone else to kill her. She was my mistake to correct. It was my fault that she unleashed horror for 400 years. And my greatest regret is that I allowed my love for her to delay offering her the justice my Code demanded."

"But how could you let your Code be more important than your own child?" Shepard questioned, desperate to understand.

"My child was lost to me centuries ago when she gave in to her baser urges and began to kill," Samara explained. "Morinth died for me the day she took her first victim. The Code simply gave me both comfort and direction in my grief."

Shepard slumped back as Samara's words sank in. "So you turned to duty out of loss," she restated, self-recrimination evident in her voice. It was the last thing she wanted to hear after her thoughts about her own actions earlier.

"Duty was all that remained," Samara clarified. "My daughter was dead to me; I needed a reason to go on."

"I have a son," Shepard said quietly, surprising herself as much as Samara with the confession, "When he was born, I hid myself away and ignored my duty out of what I'm thinking now was a misplaced desire to protect him."

"Duty to a child is the most sacred Code of all," Samara corrected, "Your actions were not wrong if you took them out of the intention to protect your son."

"His father doesn't see it that way," Shepard countered bitterly.

"Lieutenant Alenko is a kind man with deep protective instincts of his own," Samara said, surprising Shepard with her intuitive leap, "He may be hurt at the moment, but he will eventually see the wisdom in your actions."

Shepard nodded quietly then stood to leave. "Thank you, Samara, and I hope you're right," she told the justicar before she walked out of the room.

~x~

When Shepard reached for the button on the control panel, intending to signal the elevator and go to her cabin to think and perhaps even sleep, the doors swooshed open and surprised her. Kaidan stood in the compartment, looking equally surprised.

"Shepard," he began and she breathed a silent sigh of relief to hear him address her that way rather than as 'Commander' before she heard the rest of his sentence, "we need to talk."

They'd been saying that a lot recently, she thought ironically, and with very bad results. To him, she simply nodded and stepped into the car with him. She pressed the button to take them to the loft and they waited out the short trip in silence. Once they arrived at her cabin, she ushered him inside and seated herself at her desk chair. She motioned to him and he perched on the corner of her desk facing her.

"Kaidan," she finally greeted him verbally, "What's up?"

"Miranda just gave me some news you're not going to like," he began and then he summarized the full extent of Cerberus' involvement in their situation in the blandest way he could manage. Still, he saw her pale in shock and tremble with rage and couldn't prevent placing a hand on her arm to steady her when he finished. "Shepard?" he questioned when she didn't speak for several long moments.

When she replied her voice was steady and deadly with barely-suppressed anger, "I don't know why I allow the depths of that bastard's depravity to continue to shock me. But I'm not going to allow them to win. Not this time. We have a son to go home to, Kaidan. We're going to make sure Caleb has both his parents after this no matter what Cerberus or the Collectors throw at us."

Kaidan studied her for long moments and noted the set of her shoulders, the clench of her jaw, the clear fire in her green eyes and he realized with shock that she believed every word she said. His shock increased when he found himself believing her, too. In the face of that surety, no doubt or fear could thrive. He had no choice but to follow. He sank to his knees in front of her and knew in that moment that no fight or hurt could ever be stronger than the love and pride he felt for this woman – his commander, his leader, his hero, his life. He reached for her, intending to draw her in to a kiss of gratitude, benediction, and forgiveness but EDI's voice came over the com before he could touch her.

"Commander, Legion needs to speak with you urgently," EDI informed them.

Shepard had read Kaidan's intentions clearly, and after she spoke to the AI to acknowledge her announcement, she stood and placed her hand against Kaidan's cheek with a wry smile. "Her timing is as good as Joker's," she said to Kaidan.

He grinned at her joke and stood to follow her out of the cabin. "Let's hope she doesn't pick up all his bad habits," he added as they headed to the elevator together.

~x~

Kaidan and Shepard stood in the cockpit with Legion watching the _Normandy_ approach the geth heretic's ship with mixed feelings. They had rushed to Legion at EDI's request and discovered that the geth had located the heretics then immediately planned the mission during the short travel time to the heretic ship. They had set aside personal issues in favor of the mission at hand, and so, while they each knew the importance of eliminating further threat from the geth, and were determined to complete the mission successfully, they also felt rising impatience and frustration at the delay of a talk that they both hoped would finally resolve their fight.

"You know it's just our heat emissions that are hidden, right?" Joker's voice interrupted their thoughts. Kaidan and Shepard started and then shared a grin at their dual reaction. "They can look out a window and see us coming," Joker continued oblivious to the silent communication behind him.

"Windows are structural weaknesses. Geth do not use them," Legion stated matter-of-factly. "Approach the hull at these coordinates," he instructed Joker. Legion turned to the console behind him and added, "Access achieved. We may proceed," as Joker mimicked the geth blatantly.

Shepard motioned her squad out of the cockpit and to the airlock after a glare at Joker. Apparently Caleb wasn't her only child.

~x~

Once they stepped out of the airlock onto the geth ship, Legion halted their progress through the eerie silence.

"Shepard-Commander," Legion's flat electronic tone seemed to reverberate off the cold dark synthetic walls around them and made it sound much louder than usual. Shepard breathed to calm her increased heart rate and paused to give Legion her attention. When he saw that he had her attention, he went on, "We concluded that destruction of this station was the only resolution to the heretic question. There is now a second option. Their virus can be repurposed. If released into the station's network, the heretics will be rewritten to accept our truth."

"That sounds like an awful nice way to describe brainwashing," Kaidan commented grimly.

Shepard nodded, acknowledging his input, and understanding that it was meant as an observation rather than criticism. She turned back to Legion and asked, "Why didn't you mention this before we came aboard?" more as a stall tactic while she processed her own thoughts on the issue than out of real curiosity.

"We did not know the virus was complete," Legion answered, "It is. It can be used against the true geth at any time. Our arrival was timely."

"They're your people, Legion," Shepard said, wondering why he seemed to be expecting some decision from her, "You must have an opinion."

"This is new data. We have not yet reached consensus," he explained. "We will process as the mission proceeds."

Shepard sighed and motioned him forward, willing to put the debate aside for now. This time, though, Kaidan stopped them with a hand on her arm.

"Won't we be detected?" Kaidan asked Legion, "Aren't there intruder alarms?"

"Sensors have been reduced," Legion informed them, "We have infiltrated their wireless network and filled their data storage with random bits. The heretics must scrub this 'junk' data. They have partitioned themselves into local networks, working in parallel."

"So they'll be too distracted to care about us," Kaidan translated.

"Any alarm we trigger will not go beyond the room we are in," Legion confirmed. "Only accessing the main core will trigger a station-wide alert."

"Clever," Shepard nodded with satisfaction. "_Now_ can we go?" she asked them both with arched brows.

"After you, Commander," Kaidan replied with a jaunty grin and a mocking courtly sweep of his hand.

She mock-glared at him then she grinned and ruined it before she took point and led the squad forward.

~x~

Kaidan held back and listened to Shepard and Legion debate the ramifications of both options – rewrite or destroy – in between skirmishes with localized geth forces. He truly wasn't sure what he would do in Shepard's position, but he was fairly sure what she would chose. He had once stood by her side when she released the rachni queen out of compassion. He had fought at her side and suffered injury to follow her orders to use only non-lethal methods against the feral Zhu's Hope colonists on Feros. He had cringed in the pain she refused to show when she had given the order to protect the _Destiny Ascension_ at any cost and known the sacrifice she was making. So Kaidan knew that Shepard would choose the option she judged the most compassionate - whatever the cost.

Once they reached the data core and dispatched the remaining resistance from the heretics, Kaidan watched as Legion turned to Shepard and questioned her choice.

"Shepard-Commander. It is time to choose," Legion told her, "Do we rewrite the heretics or delete them?"

To Kaidan's utter astonishment, Shepard turned to him with a questioning look. He wasn't sure if she was truly uncertain of her choice and wanted his input or if she was worried that he would disagree with her decision, but either way, he could only give her one answer, "Shepard, you know what's right. Legion trusts you and so do I."

He saw from the look of relief that crossed her face that she had clearly read and understood the dual meaning of his words. She turned back to Legion.

"If they're… rewritten. Your people will accept them back?" she questioned. "Will they even want to go back?"

"They will agree with our judgments and return," Legion confirmed. "We will integrate their experiences. All will be stronger."

"Take them then," Shepard ordered. "Release the virus."

"Acknowledged," Legion responded and moved to the console to follow her orders. "Releasing virus. Note: Remote access via high gain transmission required."

"Meaning?" Shepard asked.

"The virus will be sent to heretics in nearby star systems. This station will broadcast a powerful electromagnetic pulse through FTL channels," Legion explained.

"How powerful?" Kaidan asked as suspicion began to form and fear of Legion's answer chilled him.

"Yield in excess of 1.21 petawatts," Legion's response skyrocketed Kaidan's fear, and his addition of, "Alert: EM flux will be hazardous to unshielded organic forms. Addendum: The interior of this ship is not shielded," were completely unnecessary confirmations of his panic.

"Go!" he yelled in warning to Shepard, motioning toward the way they had come.

She nodded and took off at a run.

~x~

Once they were safely back onboard the _Normandy_, Kaidan and Shepard nodded their dismissal of Legion and headed to the elevator together in unspoken accord. It was a departure from standard procedure – typically they would go to the armory and strip weapons and armor, possibly even shower, before a debriefing – but neither had business on their mind. They were tantalizingly close to fixing the issues between them and moving on to the reconciliation they both craved, so they headed to the loft without even needing to consult each other.

Once the elevator doors closed behind them, they turned to each other, each intending to speak, but their eyes met and thoughts of speech flew in favor of the heat between them. Kaidan pulled her into his arms – weapons, armor and all – and met her mouth in a searing kiss that was a reunion of its own. By the time they reached the cabin door and paused to open it, they were both panting from lack of breath. They stepped inside the cabin and back into each others arms and began to stumble backwards towards the bed while stripping weapons and pieces of armor and flinging them haphazardly as they went. Neither of them cared that it was both careless and graceless, they were consumed in each others touch.

They got to the steps before they realized there was a sound in the room other than their heavy breathing and quiet moans. They broke apart again and tried to concentrate, but it still took long seconds for Joker's voice to penetrate the fog of their minds.

"**Not now**, Joker," Shepard growled and pulled Kaidan back to her.

"I wouldn't interrupt your _debriefing_ if it wasn't important," Joker shot back in a voice that clearly told them he knew what he was interrupting. "But if you don't get down here, ASAP, Tali and Legion are going to tear up **my** ship!" With that, he cut off the com.

Despite the frustration he shared with Shepard at that moment, Kaidan couldn't help but laugh as he watched her straighten the armor she still wore and storm out of the cabin, muttering about airlocking both Tali and Legion when she got to them.

He shrugged and wished them luck, then set about removing his armor while he waited for Shepard to return.


	31. Unsuspecting Prey

_A/N - another 'fix' from me in this chapter... 'take the shuttle AND your entire team to the next mission' uh huh, ME2 I didn't see anything coming there lol... sorry for keeping our lovely couple apart with all the interruptions - and trust me, they glared at me - but hopefully they'll be happy with me by the end of this double-post :-) All credit for the amazing ME universe and all characters within goes to Bioware as always!_

_The second part of my post today (to this fic) is the smut section - fair warning :-) Also, there is a continuation of the smut into Outtakes (what? they're very fit and very in love XD) - so yes, three new chapters today for those of you so inclined ;-)_

_AirForceBrat and Gabe97, thanks for your reviews! Gabe97 - I'm sure Shep wishes that Javik had been on board last chapter ;-) AirForceBrat - Dear lord, I never thought about Mama Shepard scaring away her son's future gfs... I agree, scary! To everyone else out there reading, following, favoriting - you're amazing and thank you for sticking with me through this monster fic (and the sequel is shaping up to be even longer, sigh)_

_As always, I couldn't do this without StoneburntHeart - not only for her beta services (despite the hour lol) but also her support, encouragement, and the fluff fixes!_

* * *

Kaidan was still waiting in Shepard's cabin half an hour later when Joker's voice came over the com and startled him.

"Kaidan, Shepard says 'sorry, plans have changed, please come to the briefing room ASAP,'" Joker's voice was monotone and devoid of its usual sarcasm.

Kaidan smirked as he realized that Shepard had very clearly warned Joker to repeat her message, verbatim. He mentally ran through his favorites of her vast repertoire of clever threats trying to decide which she had used to get Joker to comply without embellishment as he pulled his armor pieces back on. The skin tight underarmor would have been appropriate attire to continue his private discussion with Shepard, but he wasn't about to head to the briefing room without more, uh, coverage. Once he was presentable, he double-timed it to the elevator.

When he walked in the briefing room, both Shepard and Miranda turned to look at him. Shepard greeted him with a small, tight smile of apology but Miranda looked harried and barely glanced at him before she resumed her pacing.

"Kaidan, sorry for summon-" Shepard began before Miranda cut her off impatiently.

"You two can play nice later - this is business," she said and her voice was as agitated as her pacing had warned it would be. She forced herself to stop and made a visible effort to calm before she continued in a steadier tone, "I received a transmission from the Illusive Man. He wants us to investigate a rogue Cerberus cell in the Fathar System of the Omega Nebula. And he recommends we take a shuttle there so EDI can do final integration tests on the IFF."

"It's a trap," Kaidan matter-of-factly stated the conclusion he knew the two women had already reached.

"Yes," Shepard confirmed with a nod, "but we don't have a choice. We need to play along."

"Shepard-" Miranda began before Shepard raised a hand and stared at her to cut her off.

"Miranda," Shepard said - and she was in full command mode now, "I've listened to your objections for the past fifteen minutes. I've made my decision. We're going, and we'll take the shuttle."

"Do you think he knows Miranda's changed sides?" Kaidan asked.

The two women turned to him as if they had forgotten he was there – and perhaps they had in their tense standoff of wills. Miranda finally sighed and answered him.

"I don't see how," her voice was calmer now, "I've been careful. I think it's more likely that this is like the Collector ship – a reminder of the larger mission - an incentive to move faster."

"I doubt he wants to kill me until I get him whatever he wants from the Collectors," Shepard pointed out.

"That doesn't make this less dangerous," Miranda gritted back and it was obvious to Kaidan that they were repeating an argument they'd been having since before he arrived.

"This isn't getting us anywhere," he cut in over their bickering. "Miranda – Shepard isn't going to change her mind so stop wasting your breath. Shepard – tell Miranda your plan so she'll stop bitching."

"A trap is only effective if the prey is unaware and unprepared," Shepard began in compliance to Kaidan's request, "We've covered the unaware – and the Illusive Man must think I'm fairly stupid to fall for his tricks again. Since I'm sure he's _not_ stupid, we need to go in fully prepared. As in, boots down with every gun we have."

"You're planning on taking the entire team," Kaidan guessed.

"Yes," she confirmed. "Safety in numbers, right?"

Kaidan nodded and saw Miranda give a small pleased smile as well. "We'll need to break into smaller squads," he put in.

"And _finally_, we can stop arguing and plan," Shepard said with a pleased smile of her own and turned the meeting to strategy.

~x~

Despite the danger they were heading into, the mood of the crew during the two hour shuttle ride was light. The entire team rarely had a chance to interact for such and extended length of time – the only situations in which they were all together was during mission debriefs and the weekly meetings Shepard continued to hold as if the _Normandy SR2_ were flying Alliance, not Cerberus, colors. Kaidan was impressed that such a disparate group of people could unite in camaraderie so easily, and he knew it was Shepard's innate leadership ability that had allowed it. He didn't kid himself; he was a good leader himself; but he couldn't have brought these people together the way she had. It was one of the intangible things that made her Commander Shepard.

After studying the facility plans in their strategy meeting, Shepard had decided to break the 12 team members into 4 smaller squads. She had designated Kaidan, Miranda, Garrus, and herself as squad leaders. Kaidan's squad would be Grunt and Jack – and he smirked when she called his group the 'problem children'. She had assigned Jacob and Kasumi to Miranda's squad; Samara and Tali to Garrus'; and chosen Mordin and Thane for her own. Each squad would work as an individual unit within the whole crew and Kaidan was pleased with the strategy. They would have different points of entry and then work in sync to clear any threat.

When the shuttle finally landed, a business-like silence fell over the crew as everyone completed last weapon checks and they tensed in preparation for the task ahead. The shuttle doors opened and Kaidan led his team to their designated entrance in the east. They maintained radio silence as ordered and Kaidan hacked the locked door easily before they slipped inside. The facility was cloaked in shadows and eerie silence. The sound of their boots seemed to echo around them. They crept forward, tense and ready for attack.

The attack never came. Kaidan completed his exploration of the three-room area his team had been assigned and found them completely deserted. The dust settled around them screamed that the facility hadn't been occupied in months, perhaps longer. A growing sense of trepidation grew as they silently crept forward to the designated rendezvous point. Garrus' team was waiting for them there.

Kaidan knew the answer to his question before he mouthed, "Anything?" quietly through his visor to his turian friend. Garrus shook his head to answer in the negative then tensed and raised his rifle as they heard new footsteps behind them. Miranda approached with her squad and Shepard's team was right on their heels. The look on both woman's faces told Kaidan their search had been fruitless as well.

When Shepard approached the crew, she didn't bother to question them. One look had told her the full story, and she broke the silence and opened the com to call frantically, "Ground team to _Normandy_!" she paused a second for a reply and silence was the only answer. "**Come in!** _Normandy_," she cried desperately. When that attempt also met with no success, she broke off and took off at a run for the shuttle. Kaidan moved to follow her in the next second. He'd realized the truth at nearly the same instant as Shepard – it _was_ a trap, but not one for Shepard. The _Normandy_ was in danger... and they were two hours away.

~x~

The ride back on the shuttle was eventually filled with tense silence only broken by Shepard's repeated and fruitless attempts to raise the _Normandy_. At first, many of the crew had tried to speak to Shepard – asking questions or offering empty platitudes – but she brushed them off or ignored them completely. Only Kaidan and Garrus remained silent and still in their seats from the time the shuttle departed - though their eyes barely left Shepard. They knew her better than to attempt meaningless comfort or ask for information she didn't have. But when they glanced at each other, their faces showed equal looks of concern. They both silently prayed to whatever deity would listen that the people they had left on the _Normandy_ were alive and safe. They refused to consider the effect that any other outcome would have on Shepard. Eventually, the rest of the crew gave up and sat back to wait in silence too.

When they were ten minutes out, Shepard's hails were finally answered.

"Shepard, the _Normandy_ was attacked by the Collectors," EDI reported in a voice that strangely seemed to hold emotion.

"Status?" Shepard snapped back after sucking a hissing breath through her teeth. The news didn't come as a huge surprise, but hearing her fear confirmed so abruptly had still shocked her.

"The ship suffered only minor damage," EDI reported and Shepard gritted her teeth at the order in which the AI presented the information, "Jeff had to remove my shackles so that I could regain control. The remaining crew was taken, Shepard," her voice sounded almost gentle.

"Joker?" Shepard queried, holding her breath in fear of the reply.

"He has some minor injuries, but he is safe," EDI responded.

"Can you get your ass back here, Commander? I'd like to pass out," Joker's sarcastic tones confirmed EDI's report. Shepard let her breath out in a whoosh.

She turned to Kaidan and met his eyes and saw her relief reflected there, along with concern for her she was grateful he hadn't voiced. She smiled tightly at him and saw his answering nod. She closed her eyes and they finished the rest of the ride in solitude.

~x~

Once back aboard the _Normandy_, the entire crew rushed to join Joker in the briefing room. He was seated on the long table and slumped over, head in hands. He looked up with a groan as they entered.

"Joker," Shepard greeted with a jaunty smile that was far from what she was really feeling, "you've looked better." She turned to Kaidan and signaled him to do whatever he could for the injured pilot.

"Yeah, thanks Shepard," Joker groaned back, but her teasing had the desired effect – he looked much more himself. Kaidan began to run scans with his omni-tool as Shepard walked to the head of the table.

"_Everyone_?" Miranda spoke to Joker in a scathing tone, before Shepard could begin the meeting, "you lost everyone – and damn near lost the ship too?"

"Miranda," Shepard interrupted in a voice that was quiet – and deadly. "_I_ will run this debriefing. Without wasting time on misplaced criticism." She waited until Miranda nodded a bit sheepishly and took her seat. "We all owe Joker our thanks. We were set up and we fell for it. If he hadn't been here, there wouldn't be a _Normandy_ to come back to. I will **not** tolerate another word against him. Are we clear?"

"Even though he unshackled an AI to do it?" Jacob risked life and limb to question.

Shepard glared at Jacob until he shut up then turned to Kaidan. When she saw him nod that Joker would be fine, she asked, "EDI, is this ship clean?"

"The systems are purged," EDI reported. "The Reaper IFF is online. We can go through the Omega-4 relay whenever you choose." She paused for a moment, and then added, "If I may, Commander Shepard, I'd like to assure you that I am still bound by the protocols of my programming. Even if I were not," she added softly, "you are my crewmates."

"You've had plenty of opportunity before now to kill us, EDI," Shepard replied dismissively, "and we need your help. I trust you." She turned back to her crew and added, "We need to get our crew back. We'll plot a course for the Omega-4 immediately. Any questions or objections?" When everyone answered her with silence, she turned to Joker. "Are you up for this, Joker?" she questioned softly.

He met her gaze and gave her a grim smile, then ruined the effect with a wince as Kaidan rotated an arm. "As soon as Kaidan is done butchering me, I'll head to the cockpit and get us there," his voice was firm despite his pain.

Shepard nodded and turned back to the crew, "I'll be in my cabin until we're ready for the jump. I don't want to be disturbed. Dismissed." She left the room without a backward glance.

~x~

Shepard had managed a five minute military shower and to change into her shipboard gear before the knock at her door disturbed her study of the little information Cerberus had available on the O-4 relay. She looked up in irritation that quickly turned to a smile of welcome when she saw Kaidan enter without an invitation. He, too, was showered and changed.

"Not following orders again, Lieutenant?" she greeted him with a mock glare.

Instead of answering, he walked over to her office, took her hand and drew her out of the chair. He walked to the seating area across from the bed and seated them both side by side on the couch before he turned to her and replied.

"Shepard, you've already done enough. There's nothing in those reports that will help us now," he met her eyes in a silent plea.

"Have I?" she replied in a bitter tone. "I thought we were prepared today. I left my crew vulnerable because I thought we'd done enough." She lowered her head and stared at the floor; self-recrimination caused her shoulders to slump.

Kaidan used two fingers to tilt her chin back up to meet his eyes. "There's no way you could have known they'd try this," he told her firmly, "You did what you thought was best, and you can't second guess yourself now. We'll save them." He waited until she gave a slight nod to indicate she'd believe him. She'd trust him to trust her, even if she didn't quite believe it herself. He went on in a softer voice, "We both know the danger… We might not come back from this. I don't want to leave anything unsaid. Not this time."

"Kaidan…" she trailed off and tried to look away again, but he tightened his hand on her chin and wouldn't let her.

"No, Shepard," he began then leaned in for a soft kiss when she would have spoken again. He pulled back and held her eyes and continued, "I was wrong. I let my hurt feelings cloud my judgment. But I asked myself what I would have done in your position, and I can't say it would have been different. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too," she replied softly, and tears welled in her eyes. "I had no right to keep him from you for so long."

"You were protecting our son," Kaidan rejected her apology with a shake of his head, "and you _never_ have to apologize for that."

"Kaidan," she replied softly, and now the tears fell down her cheeks, "I'm so afraid. I've never had so much at stake before… What if…?" she trailed off, uncertainty clear in her trembling voice.

"Ssshh," he soothed as he drew her into his arms, "You can't think like that. We have more reason than ever to win this time. And we will. We'll do it together." He drew back and kissed her again, just a gentle touch of lips. He smiled and all the love and pride he felt filled his voice when he told her, "I can't wait to meet my son."

"I can't wait to introduce you," she replied softly and met his lips again. This time the kiss was longer, but it was still about love and sharing rather than passion. When they drew back again, she settled in his arms and they held each for several moments in comfortable silence.

"Joker's back in the cockpit," Kaidan told her while he rested his chin on her head and stroked her back, "He'll be fine, just a few fractures. He says we'll arrive at the relay in about two hours."

She turned her head up and met his eyes and they both shared a secret smile. "In that case," she replied in a seductive voice, "we should find something to do for two hours…" she trailed off as she met him in another kiss and this time, the heat was there. Their mouths opened and tongues tangled and they pulled each other close. When they broke apart again to breathe, she added, "Kaidan… I've missed you so much."

He closed his mouth over hers again and stood, pulling her into his arms. He carried her to the bed and laid her down gently. He climbed beside her and joined their mouths again to begin passing their two hour journey in the way both their hearts and bodies craved.


	32. Benediction

_A/N - This is the grown-up continuation of the last chapter - it contains **adult content, M-rated, NSFW**... however, on my own personal smut scale, I'd say this is more fluff and Outtakes continuation is the smut... regardless, you've been warned!_

_All things within property of Bioware~_

_As always, thanks to all of you for your support!_

* * *

Kaidan rolled until he was lying half over Shepard, but ensured his weight was still resting mostly on the bed. He reached up and stroked the hair out of her eyes and then cupped her cheek until she met his gaze.

"I love you, Shepard," he told her in a voice filled with emotion, "through all these years… Through everything… I've never stopped."

"I love you, too," she answered him, and her voice also held her heart, "so much, Kaidan. I could never lose you again…" she trailed off as he moved his mouth close to hers again.

"You never will," he told her firmly before he closed the scant distance between their lips and kissed her.

They opened to each other and their tongues and lips met. They stroked each other, unhurried and unwilling to rush. They both held the unspoken fear in their hearts that this may be the last time they would touch like this, and they lingered, savored in silent accord that they would make this time about love not passion. He moved his hand to stroke her hair as they kissed and she breathed a sigh of pleasure into his mouth in response. The kiss went on and on for countless minutes, while they told each other without words, with only that simple touch, of their love for the other. When he broke the kiss to move his mouth to her sensitive ear, she turned her head to give him better access and stroked his back slowly.

He explored her ear and the spot she loved behind it with the tip of his tongue before he moved his mouth lower and was hampered by her collar. He sat back and held her gaze as she patiently waited for him to undo the fastenings of her top, placing soft kisses on each new spot of skin as he revealed it. She lifted her upper body enough to help him remove the top, then laid back and he met her with another kiss. Again, their mouths met in a slow, unhurried, drugged kiss that was both sweet and passionate. She moved her hands to his shirt buttons, desperate now for the feel of his skin against hers. He sat back again and allowed her the freedom to undress him while he brought his hands to her breasts and cupped them over her bra. She sighed as she finally got the shirt unfastened and pushed it off.

She drew him back down to her and gasped when their heated skin finally met. She spread her hands over his back, tracing the strong muscles she could close her eyes and still see in her mind. He kissed her again, and this time passion flared and they fell into the heat. They devoured each other with lips and tongues while he kneaded the firm flesh under his palms. She moaned and moved her hands down to cup his firm ass and tug him closer to her. He broke their kiss and moved his mouth down her throat and she threw her head back against to give him better access. He licked a fiery trail down to her collarbone and nipped the skin over it gently, while his hands moved behind her to unhook her bra.

When he bared her breasts, he didn't hesitate - he moved his mouth down and captured one pebbled peak in his warm mouth and flicked his tongue against it. She moaned and tunneled her hands through his hair and held him to her with a gentle grip. He swept both hands down and parted her thighs and then shifted to settle between them before he switched breasts and sucked in her other nipple. She arched her hips up into him, seeking closer contact to the part of her that was already aching with need. He brought his hands back to her waist and began to pull at her tight pants while his mouth continued to play at her breast. She lifted her hips again and shifted so that he could draw her pants down over them. She moaned with loss when he sat back to pull the pants off but he soothed her with gentle strokes of his hand against her bare thighs. He threw the pants to the floor beside the bed and went back for her panties and performed the same maneuver. When she was finally nude to his hungry gaze, he parted her slick folds and teased her with one hand while he fought at the closures of his own pants. She moved his hand aside and took over the chore, stroking the hard flesh that strained for her touch while she worked. He moved his now free hand to join his other and slid two fingers inside her warm wetness.

When she had his pants open enough to free him, she closed her fist around him and pumped it up and down in time to the fingers he stroked inside her. They shared equal gasps of pleasure while she pushed at his clothes with her free hand. He finally lost patience with the delay and finished undressing while she watched and licked her lips. When he was also naked, he slid back between her thighs and braced his weight on his arms on either side of her head. Their eyes met. Held. He pressed himself against her, feeling her slick wetness against him and lowered his mouth to hers. They met in a searing, sensual kiss as he slid into her in a long slow thrust. When he was seated to the hilt, he pulled back from the kiss and paused. Again their eyes met and the moment was almost sacred. They shared everything in their hearts in one breath of silent communication.

He lowered himself on his hands until they were touching with every inch of their bodies and she wrapped her legs and arms around him in a strong embrace. He slid out - again the motion was inexorably slow, until he was nearly free of her body's clasp - then shoved back in with a quick thrust of his hips that stole her breath in a gasp of passion. They clung to each other and danced this intimate dance of passion between kisses and moans until neither of them could think for the pressure building in them. Still, they tried to stave off the inevitable in a fruitless desire to control the passion; prolong their union; cherish the intimacy. Kaidan gritted his teeth and fought for his legendary control. He won – barely – and stopped his thrusts just before he fell off the edge of the cliff into the oblivion of ecstasy. He kissed her softly on the lip and held her eyes.

"I love you," he choked through a voice filled with both passion and tears, then thrust sharply into her and sent them both over.

"Love you," she moaned against his throat as she closed her eyes and sank into the orgasm. Her body clasped tightly around his hard flesh and they rode the waves of fulfillment together.

When they floated back gently, Kaidan collapsed against her, laying his head against her chest right over her heart. He was too spent to even roll to their more traditional position of her on top and when she brought her hands up to stroke his hair, he sighed in contentment. They lay there until he had enough breath and energy to allow his ever present chivalry to urge him to roll and draw her over him like his favorite warm blanket of comfort. She settled against him with her head against his heart now. He moved his palm to her stomach and covered it lightly, and just rested it there. She turned inquisitive eyes up to him and arched a brow in question.

"I wish I could have been there," he answered her unspoken query. "When you were pregnant. When you were carrying Caleb."

She laughed a bit and smiled in self deprecation and a bit of embarrassment. "Trust me," she said wryly, "It wasn't pretty."

He kissed away her smirk then he pulled back and met her eyes. His whiskey colored gaze was serious and filled with love. "No," he corrected, "I know it was beautiful. Thank you," he added before he kissed her again.

"For what?" she asked, and the look in his eyes stole her breath.

"For living. For going on, even when you didn't want to. For giving my parents what little comfort there was after I died. For my son," he finished as tears slid down his cheeks.

She leaned up and kissed every tear away before she placed her lips against his softly. "Thank you," she gave his words back to him between butterfly kisses, "For coming back to me. For being strong and fighting against Cerberus even though you were alone. For believing in me. For forgiving me even when I hurt you. For loving me," she finished in a soft breath against his lips.

He kissed her back softly and then they lay quietly. He kept his hand where it was, flat against her abdomen. After some time, he broke the silence in a quiet voice.

"Maybe…" he trailed off not sure how to frame his thought and equally unsure how she would react if he did.

Shepard turned in his arms so that she could rest her chin on his chest and met his eyes with a smile. "Maybe," she replied, and he knew that she had heard all that he hadn't said. "But we need to kick some ass first," she added with a cocky grin.

"Aye, aye, ma'am," he bantered back and tilted his head down to kiss her.

The passion rose between them again and they spent the rest of the time until Joker called them to the cockpit in each others arms.


	33. Journey to the Center of the Galaxy

_A/N - The suicide mission is without a doubt one of the best end-game sequences ever, and I won't be 'fixing' (too) much - other than to add Kaidan of course... hope you enjoy the Shenko version, it was incredibly fun to write (especially with the Suicide Suite on loop on youtube)... All things within come from the incredible minds at Bioware - I'm simply mixing and matching their stuff a bit!_

_Thanks so much for the feedback Gabe97, AirForceBrat, Jules Hawk, and Lyv (yes, that's totally what Kaidan was implying - such a guy! lol). And once again, to everyone reading, following, favoriting... Knowing that someone is out there paying attention is the most satisfying reward a fanfic author can have, so thank you!_

_To my beta, StoneburntHeart, you are the best! That is all :-)_

* * *

If Joker was irritated that his cockpit was a little cramped with three people rather than the usual one, or occasional two, stuffed into it, he didn't show it. Perhaps because he was as fascinated as Shepard and Kaidan by the sight beyond the viewport ahead of them. The impressive Omega-4 relay loomed ahead. Its fiery orange glow was unique for a mass relay and all three observers wondered if it had been created that way as a warning or if the color had developed through countless years of swallowing any helpless prey that attempted safe passage and instead found themselves consumed in its eternal embrace. Each of them was silent, lost in their own thoughts.

Joker's thoughts were the most straightforward, and consisted of mostly _'Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit'_ on a constant mental loop. He had known the danger of this mission when Shepard first recruited him on Illium, and he would frankly follow her to hell and back. He had just never expected it to be literal.

Shepard was busy trying to put the frustration and vague sense of displeasure she still felt from her conversation with the Illusive Man behind her. He had called her for a holo-conference on her way to the cockpit and she had reluctantly complied, knowing that they had to keep up appearances. Still, standing there listening to the man praise and thank her condescendingly at the same time that she was fully aware of just how insincere he was being had turned her stomach. Having to grit her teeth and play along had taken more effort than facing down Saren. Now, she just wanted to put it behind her and kill something. So along with distaste, she felt anticipation. Whatever the Collectors had in store for her on the other side of this hulking relay, she wanted to get on with it, and rescue her people, so she could get home to her son – with his father, thank you very much.

For his part, Kaidan was feeling both dread and anticipation himself. He didn't kid himself that the short journey through this relay would be the most dangerous he'd ever experienced in a career full of jumps. Mass relays had become such a safe and convenient part of life since their first discovery that most people didn't stop to consider that being flung to far reaches of the galaxy through massive mass effect fields that they didn't begin to comprehend scientifically was always a risky maneuver. There was always the chance that something could go wrong or fail. But still it had become common, almost banal. This relay – with its bright orange color screaming DANGER in capital letters – was anything but.

The thought that no one had ever made a return trip through O-4 was one too frightening to consider. Still, it was the last step on a long and painful journey that Kaidan hadn't chosen – Cerberus had inflicted it upon him when they ripped him from peaceful death and manipulated his resurrected life for their own goals – but it was one he was eager to finish. Finally, at long last, the end was in sight. And more than anything, Kaidan wanted to finish this. To go home. To hold his son for the first time. To have Shepard by his side and to hug his parents. All those potential future events loomed ahead and hinged on the fickle glowing eye they now approached.

Joker turned to his passengers and broke into their thoughts. "Uh, Commander… Kaidan... we're hitting the relay in two minutes," he informed them, "You'd both better strap in if you're planning to stay and hold my hand through the jump."

They grinned and complied. Kaidan seated himself in the copilot's chair and reached for the harness. He paused mid-motion as he remembered another time the three of them had shared the cockpit for a relay approach. It seemed so much longer than nearly three years ago. And in a way it was – it had been another life. He shook off the melancholy and strapped himself in. He glanced over and saw Shepard performing the same procedure in the small jump seat to Joker's left. Joker looked left and right, saw they were both secure, and nodded in satisfaction. He reached for the helm controls.

"Approaching Omega-4 relay, everyone stand by," he called in deference to protocol. Menacing orange glow or not, they'd do this like any other jump.

"Make it happen," Shepard responded, playing her role.

"Reaper IFF activated," EDI reported, "signal acknowledged."

Joker executed the command to take them into the relay.

"Shepard," Tali's voice came over the coms as the relay began to suck them in inexorably, "the drive core just went berserk! It's lit up like the fireworks at the end of _Fleet and Flotilla_!"

_'Fleet and Flotilla'?_ Everyone in the cockpit silently mouthed before they shrugged and returned to the business at hand.

"Drive core electrical power at critical levels," EDI confirmed.

"Rerouting!" Joker cried, his hands flying over his panels.

The _Normandy_ was now prey to the O-4 relay and it drew her in to its fiery embrace. Shepard and Kaidan leaned closer to viewports, watching as the frigate was swallowed in the orange glow and spit back out on the other side.

"Brace for deceleration," EDI warned.

"Oh shit!" Joker exclaimed as the relay regurgitated them into a huge debris field of its previous victims. He stabbed frantically at the helm controls, and the _Normandy_ pitched and rolled around the massive floating carcasses in response. His superior skill narrowly prevented collision both starboard and port. Finally they cleared the initial debris and the ship stabilized. Joker breathed an audible sigh of relief, "Too close," he muttered.

"_Out-fucking-standing_ performance, Flight Lieutenant," Shepard shot back with a huge grin.

"Shit, Shepard," Joker mock grumbled with a grin of his own, "You scare me. You **enjoyed** that."

"Second best ride I've had today," she bantered back and her grin widened when she saw Kaidan blush.

"Yeah, well, it's not over yet," Joker mumbled, too concerned with the view ahead to give her joke its fair due. "These must be all the ships that didn't make it through the Omega-4 relay. Some look… ancient," he mused as he studied the wreckage around them.

"I have detected an energy signature near the edge of the accretion disk," EDI reported.

All three occupants peered out the viewport ahead and saw a massive chaotic structure looming in the distance. Its shape was vaguely reminiscent of the Collector ship they had encountered – but its size dwarfed even that colossus.

"Has to be the Collector base," Kaidan murmured quietly, voicing all their thoughts.

"Take us in for a closer look," Shepard ordered. "Nice and easy."

Joker executed the control to comply and the _Normandy_ drifted closer to the giant.

"Careful, Jeff," EDI's voice showed concern now, "We have company."

Several red dots appeared on the cockpit ladar console – enemies moved in to engage them.

"Taking evasive maneuvers," Joker called as his hands on the controls caused the _Normandy_ to accelerate into several barrel rolls. The red dots blinked on the ladar, unaffected and mocking. "Now they're just pissing me off," Joker growled, executing a deep starboard glide. "EDI, take those bastards out," he called to the AI.

The _Normandy's_ weapons fired and a few of the dots disappeared but most remained in dogged pursuit.

"You want another round?" Joker cried. "Come on, girl, let's give it to them." The weapons engaged again and the enemies returned fire. They watched as the dots on the ladar diminished until there were only four, then more evasive maneuvers reduced their numbers to just one. Everyone stared in horror as the one closed the gap with the _Normandy_.

"Alert!" EDI called a moment later, "Hull breach on the engineering deck."

"It's in the cargo hold," Joker added, staring at the ship's specs.

Shepard unstrapped her belt and stood. "I'll take a team and deal with the intruder," she called over her shoulder, already on the way out, "Kaidan stay here with Joker - you have the deck."

Kaidan nodded. "Joker, let's get the rest of them off our tail," he ordered even as he wished he was headed to the cargo hold with Shepard.

"Aye, aye," Joker confirmed with a grim smile.

~x~

Shepard called for Garrus and Grunt on the way to the cargo hold and rushed to the elevator. She forced herself to breathe slowly despite her anxiety and fell into the routine of weapons check during the short trip. When the elevator deposited her into the bowels of the _Normandy_, she saw Garrus and Grunt rush to join her and nodded that they too, were fully armed.

"What's going on?" Garrus questioned as he rushed to follow her to the large compartment ahead.

"Hull breach. Looks like we picked up an unwanted passenger," Shepard explained.

They paused outside the door as they all sealed their helmets then Shepard slapped the access panel. They huddled back against the wall as a beam fired through the now-open door.

"Unwanted passenger confirmed," Garrus said drily.

Shepard nodded and led them into a combat roll and behind cover. She watched Grunt raise his fortification and draw his shotgun, preparing to charge the as yet unseen enemy, but she motioned for him to halt. He complied, but not without the air of a defiant teenager that made Shepard mentally grin. She peered around the crate and spotted the intruder – a giant orb with a glowing center that made it appear like a strange mechanical eyeball. She had no doubt that glow was deadly. Her hud indicated the enemy was heavily armored, and she turned to Garrus.

"Can you do anything to it?" she queried, knowing that his tech skills weren't on the level of Kaidan's but she hoped he could still be useful.

"Negative," Garrus squashed her hope.

"Ok," Shepard said with a sigh and drew her now ever-present Collector particle beam. Rather poetic justice – using their own weapon against them – was the thought that flew through her head before she turned her mind to the battle ahead.

"I'm going to need you two to draw it out and distract it while I do the heavy lifting," she told her squad, "but under no circumstances are either of you to play hero," she added in a firm voice. "Stay in cover when you can and don't let that beam hit you." She waited for nods of acknowledgment before she adjusted to her best firing position.

"On your go, Commander," Garrus responded in indication that they were ready to put plan in motion.

"Go!" she cried and both Garrus and Grunt rolled out of cover in opposite directions with weapons trained on the orb. It moved to attack and they dodged the beam adroitly while Shepard broke cover to fire her own stream of energy at the unsuspecting target. She watched in satisfaction as her hud indicated the enemy's armor dissipating under the assault then ducked quickly back into cover as the eye turned to fire at her.

"Again!" she called to her squad and they once again grabbed the orb's attention so she could fire. They continued to repeat the process until the target was finally retreated in defeat.

~x~

Kaidan kept one eye on the persistent red dots on the ladar and the other on the interior cam in the cargo hold and breathed a sigh of relief as he saw Shepard safely dispatch the intruder. The sigh turned to a gasp when he turned his attention to the viewport. They were narrowly missing several large pieces of dead ships while Joker continued to put the _Normandy_ through her paces in an effort to outrun pursuit. The _Normandy_ shook as it scraped against a particularly large chunk of debris.

"Our kinetic barriers are not designed to survive impact with debris of that size, Jeff," EDI's dry voice informed them.

"Then I guess it's a good thing we upgraded them," Joker shot back, "We're going in," he added, referring to the large maze of the ship graveyard ahead of them.

Kaidan grasped the arms of his chair with white knuckles as the _Normandy_ careened off several unmovable objects, causing the frigate to pitch and roll.

"Come on, find some room," Joker muttered under his breath.

"Kinetic barriers at 40 percent," EDI reported.

"Reroute non-critical power," Kaidan barked back.

"This is gonna hurt!" Joker cried as he steered them between two particularly large wrecks. The _Normandy_ slid through, but not without leaving some of her skin behind.

"Damage report?" Kaidan called as the _Normandy_ leveled out again.

"Kinetic barriers at 30 percent," EDI replied, "No significant damage."

Joker was panting with exhaustion and sweat poured down his face. Kaidan unstrapped and leaned towards the pilot and placed a light hand on his shoulder.

"At the risk of being repetitive," he said quietly, "Out-fucking-standing flying." Joker gave him a tired smile. "EDI, take the helm," Kaidan ordered because he could see Joker needed the break, "See if we can avoid any more unwanted attention."

Both Kaidan and Joker sat back and tried to breathe slowly and relax. The cockpit was peaceful until EDI's voice broke the silence again.

"I have detected an enemy heading for the cargo hold," she reported.

"That asshole again?" Joker questioned in disgust.

Kaidan was already on the com. "Commander, our guest is back," he told Shepard grimly.

"Acknowledged," came her crisp reply.

Kaidan accessed the cargo hold cam monitor again and sat back to watch and pray.

~x~

Shepard had just reached deck two when Kaidan's announcement sent her back to the elevator. She paged Grunt and Garrus again and the elevator stopped on deck three to pick them up. When the elevator swooshed shut behind them, Garrus turned to Shepard.

"We've got to stop meeting like this, Shepard," he quipped.

"Heh heh heh," Grunt rumbled until Shepard cut him off with a glare. "What?" he asked her, sounding as hurt as a krogan could, "I'm having fun."

Shepard couldn't help it – she grinned. He was impossible to resist. "I love you, Grunt," she called over her shoulder as she led her team out of the elevator and to the cargo hold once again.

His "Heh heh heh," rumbled behind her as she opened the door.

Either this orb was smarter than the last or Shepard was slower, because she narrowly missed the beam when the eye targeted her on her entry. She looked down and saw the new scorch marring her left pauldron and realized that had been way too close for comfort. She ducked into cover and turned to her team.

"Ok, same song, different dancer," she told them.

"Ugh," Garrus replied in mock horror. "Use a different analogy – I've seen you dance."

"Smart ass," Shepard grinned. She sobered, raised her heavy weapon and called, "Go!"

The squad fell into what was now practiced motion and worked in sync to eliminate the new threat. When the light on the orb finally blinked out and it thunked to the metallic floor with a last sizzle and spark, Kaidan's voice broke over the com.

"Commander, you might want to see this," he said in a flat tone.

Shepard started a bit when she realized that the timing of his announcement and the deliberately controlled sound of his voice indicated that he had watched the skirmish. She sighed, and answered him with a clipped, "On my way," as she headed out of the hold and back to the elevator.

~x~

When Shepard arrived in the cockpit she tried not to notice the tightness of Kaidan's eyes when he saw the damage to the armor over her shoulder up close. She turned away from his concern and peered out the viewport instead.

"The Collector base," she breathed quietly as she saw the _Normandy_ was drawing inexorably closer to the massive structure. "Is there someplace to land without being noticed?" she asked Joker.

"Too late," Joker responded after studying the panel in front of him, "Looks like they're sending out an old friend to greet us."

All eyes flicked back to the viewport and they stared in transfixed shock as the familiar and unwelcome shape of the Collector vessel that had dogged them for years began to emerge from the looming bulk. The ship slowly turned to the _Normandy_ with a silent threat that seemed more deadly because of its very subtlety. When the Collector hulk was finally aligned its beam weapon fired with searing precision, but the _Normandy_ wasn't there anymore. Joker wrestled the helm controls and performed another roll to right the frigate again.

"Time to show them our new teeth," Shepard growled as she clung to the back of Joker's chair to maintain her balance as the floor yawed and pitched beneath her. "Fire!" she ordered.

Joker pressed the command on the console in front of him and they watched in cheery satisfaction as the Thanix cannon discharged a heavy blue beam of energy at their nemesis. Direct hit.

"How do you like that, you sons-of-bitches?" Joker exclaimed as he threw his arms up in sweet victory.

Kaidan and Shepard met each others eyes behind the pilot and traded equal grins. It felt good to finally have some revenge.

"Ok, Joker," Shepard stated as she sobered a bit, "Let's get in close and finish them off."

"Everybody hold on," Joker responded, moving his hands over the controls, "gonna be a wild ride."

The _Normandy_ pitched and Shepard grabbed for the chair to try steady herself again, but instead, found she was the one grabbed. Kaidan's hand closed over her arm in a strong grip and he pulled her down toward him. She was too shocked to resist and ended up in a very un-Commander Shepard-like sprawl over his lap. His arms closed around her to brace her as the _Normandy_ jolted again and he shrugged at her glare. She sighed and relented. It wasn't professional… but she was secure. Better than being tossed around the cockpit like flotsam.

They watched together as Joker continued to finesse the _Normandy_ through incredible tricks to evade the Collector's lasers while he returned fire anytime he had a clear line on the enemy. They avoided the worst of the hits while the Collector vessel's barriers were quickly falling under their assault. Finally, the _Normandy_ closed the gap and drew close for the killing blow.

"Give 'em hell, girl," Joker muttered as he fired the cannon.

An instant later, the Collector ship began to break apart in massive explosions. It was Kaidan that first noticed the new threat, and cried, "Look out!" The _Normandy_ was too close to the dying giant and huge chunks of fiery shrapnel were flying their way. A few pieces impacted seconds later and shook the _Normandy_ as if she were a ragdoll.

"Mass effect field generators are offline," Joker cried, "EDI, give me something!"

"Generators are unresponsive," was her cool reply, "All hands brace for impact."

Kaidan involuntarily tightened his arms around Shepard and they stared out the viewport in horror as the _Normandy_ careened aimlessly into the dark shadow of the Collector base. They finally came to a less than graceful stop with a groan as the metal encasing them bent in ways it was never intended to. All the occupants of the cockpit breathed simultaneous sighs when they realized they were still alive, but Joker's breath hitched in pain.

"Joker, you ok?" Shepard called.

"Ungh, I think I broke a rib," Joker groaned, clutching his side, "Or all of them," he corrected with a fresh groan of pain.

"Multiple core systems overloaded during the crash," EDI reported, "Restoring operation will take time."

Shepard gave into the impatience she often felt at EDI's insistence on presenting damage reports in an inorganic to organic priority order and growled, "And my crew?"

"No casualties," EDI's unruffled voice answered.

Shepard sighed in relief and pushed against the arms that still braced her. Kaidan released her with a look that indicated he had nearly forgotten he was gripping her so strongly. She smiled a bit in silent thanks and stood.

"Ok, we'll worry about the _Normandy_ later," she said to no one in particular. "Our primary objective is to destroy the station and stop Cerberus and the Collectors," she paused and then added, nearly inaudibly, "at any cost."

"Well, then we're off to a good start," Joker replied with mock cheer, "What's next?"

"How long until the Collectors find us?" Kaidan asked quietly.

"I do not detect an internal security network," EDI responded. "It is possible that the Collectors did not expect anyone to reach their base."

"Then they might not know we're here," Shepard replied. "Ok, Lieutenant," she continued as she turned to Kaidan, "Enough sitting around. We have work to do."

He grinned and nodded. He unstrapped his harness and stood to give her a jaunty salute. "Aye, aye, ma'am," he replied as he lowered his arm.

Shepard grinned back, then called to Joker as she turned to leave, "Call everyone to the briefing room. We have some castle-storming to plan."

Joker shook his head at her obscure reference to a movie she was way too young to know, and opened coms to comply with her order.


	34. Storming the Base, Part 1

_A/N - Ah, so we finally head to the homestretch here... I really hope you continue to enjoy the Suicide Mission - Shenko-style XD... All things within were invented by the incredible people at Bioware, I'm simply adding a little (lot) of Kaidan to the mix!_

_Thank you for your reviews Gabe97, AirForceBrat, and eve... The movie reference in the last chapter is to The Princess Bride (one of my all-time favorite movies, and the inspiration for the titles of these chapters), specifically "Have fun storming the castle!" *grin* And ty, AirForceBrat, for the compliment! That dogfight scene in Top Gun is truly phenomenal, I agree!  
_

_As always I cannot thank StoneburntHeart enough for her beta, support, and just overall awesomeness, though I will continue to try!_

* * *

Shepard mentally counted heads before she started her briefing. When she reached 11, she glared at an apparently empty chair in the corner until Kasumi uncloaked with a sheepish grin.

"Ok, everyone," Shepard began and her voice was full of command. All eyes turned to her. "This isn't how we planned to arrive," she continued, "but its where we're at now. We can't worry right now about whether the _Normandy_ can get us back out of here. We need to get in, get our people, and destroy this base. So we need a plan. EDI, bring up your scans."

All eyes turned to the center of the table as a holographic image of the Collector base formed and floated above it.

"You should be able to overload their critical systems if you get to the main control center here," EDI informed them as the section of the holo corresponding to her words began to glow.

"That means going through the heart of the station," Kaidan put in. He brought up his omni-tool and highlighted a new section of the holo, "Right past this massive energy signature."

"That looks like the central chamber," Miranda put in as she studied the holo.

"If our crew or any of the colonists are still alive, that's where they'll be," Shepard said with a nod.

"Looks like there are two main routes," Miranda pointed out, highlighting the appropriate areas. "Probably a good idea to split up and take both, throw the Collectors off balance, then meet back up in the central chamber."

"A main squad and a diversion?" Shepard asked for clarification. Miranda nodded. "Ok, good idea."

"No good, Commander," Kaidan objected. "Both routes are blocked." He highlighted a new section. "See those doors? The only way to get past is to get someone to open them from the other side."

Shepard studied the holo for a long moment. "There has to be another way," she finally said. She pointed to an area she noticed during her study. "Maybe we can send someone through this ventilation shaft?" she questioned.

Kaidan nodded in agreement but before Shepard could go on, Jacob spoke up.

"Practically a suicide mission... I volunteer," he said.

Shepard looked at him like he was as insane as he sounded. First, he had just made it seem like he was looking forward to committing suicide. Second, and perhaps more importantly, how did he expect to fit through the narrow duct work they were studying? True, he wasn't as broad-shouldered as say... Kaidan, but he still wasn't small. She shook her head.

Miranda stepped in with more diplomacy than Shepard would have mustered.

"I appreciate the thought, Jacob, but you couldn't shut down the security systems in time," she told him, "We need to send a tech expert."

All eyes in the room turned to Shepard once again and waited expectantly.

Shepard was already three steps ahead. She had already decided on her squad – the main one – and designated the rest to the alternate. She had wavered between two choices for the tech expert to infiltrate the ducts before she mentally shook herself for nearly allowing personal feelings to cloud her judgment. In the end, there was one crew member who was both small enough, technical enough, and that she trusted enough for the task.

"Tali," Shepard said, addressing the quarian directly. "Are you up for this?"

"Of course, Shepard, I won't let you down," Tali replied without hesitation. Shepard nodded and turned back to the rest of the group.

"The rest of us will break into two teams – a standard size main squad for the main route and a larger diversionary force for the alternate," Shepard told them. "That should draw the Collector's attention away from Tali."

"I'll lead the second team, Shepard," Miranda said as if it had already been determined. "We'll meet up with you on the other side of the doors."

"Not so fast, Cheerleader," Jack broke in. "Nobody wants to take orders from you."

"This isn't a popularity contest!" Miranda protested. "Shepard, you need someone who can command loyalty through experience."

"And I'll remind you both – once again – who is in command here," Shepard growled through gritted teeth. She had made her choice already, their bickering wasn't doing anything but annoying her. "The second team will be led by Garrus," she said quietly. Again, she had made the decision in contrast to her personal feelings – she wanted Garrus on her own squad, but she knew she could trust him to lead the others. Perhaps just as importantly, she knew he needed to know that someone trusted him to lead again.

Garrus looked startled but nodded in acceptance.

Miranda and Jack turned back to Shepard but eventually shrugged and lowered their eyes under her glare.

"And your squad?" Kaidan asked quietly.

Shepard turned to him and met his eyes. When she spoke, it was to him, although her orders were for the entire crew. "Kaidan and Grunt are on my squad." This had been the only decision that she had allowed personal feelings to motivate. Grunt was the easy choice – she needed the heavy firepower and valued his fearless attitude in the face of any enemy. But, Kaidan... she knew he was the best choice to lead the second team, but she was unwilling to part from him for this mission. They were so close to clearing the last hurdle to the their future. She planned on keeping him at her side to ensure that nothing prevented them from reaching that goal.

The rest of the crew nodded, either unwilling or unable to fault her choices. She stared back at these people that had become more than her crew – they were her family.

"I don't know what we're going to find in there," she told them quietly. "And I won't lie to you. This isn't going to be easy. We're fighting two enemies here – the Collectors and Cerberus. We've already lost people to both." Her voice grew stronger and took on the ring of command as she went on, "But I'm **not** going to lose anyone else." She began pacing around the room, meeting and holding the eyes of every individual as she went. "We don't know how many people the Collectors have taken – thousands, hundreds of thousands – but its not important. What matters is this." She moved to the head of the table and paused for emphasis. When she spoke, she brought her hands down on the table in front of her to emphasize her next words. "Not one more. That's what we can do here, today. It ends with us. They want to know what we're made of? I say we show them, on our terms. Let's bring our people home."

A collective hush filled the room as her last words rang around them. Then, as one, the entire crew stood and saluted. This disparate group of aliens and criminals, with the sole Alliance representation from Kaidan, performed the gesture in perfect military form. When they lowered their hands, only Kaidan spoke in the silence that followed.

"Aye, aye, ma'am," he told Shepard as their eyes met.

~x~

After final preparations and checks, the entire crew climbed out of the _Normandy_ cargo bay door and into the bowels of their enemy's base. Shepard motioned Garrus and his team towards their route and silently watched his back as he retreated from her. She saw Tali head to her designated entry and wished that it could be her to make that journey instead of her friend. She was asking so much of these people, and the weight of it settled heavily around her for those long seconds. She felt Kaidan's hand fall on her shoulder in silent support and she met his eyes and nodded.

"Let's go," she said to Kaidan and Grunt and took point.

Shepard studied the landscape as they walked and noticed that it was eerily similar to the Collector ship, with the same organic/synthetic hybrid skin surrounding corridors that didn't appear to be designed with human strides in mind. The primary difference was that the passageways were wider and much more chaotic.

Shepard found herself shivering. She knew it wasn't cold here on the Collector base – and even if it were, the environmental controls in her hardsuit would prevent her from feeling all but the most extreme temperatures. She also knew the shiver wasn't fear – Shepard hadn't known real fear in battle since after the Blitz began and she realized that thousands of people relied on only her skill and courage to save them. Rather, the shiver was anticipation... that final moment of adrenaline that washed over her before she steadied herself and prepared to meet any threat.

She led the squad down the wide ramp ahead and Tali's voice came over the com and broke into Shepard's thoughts.

"I'm inside the ventilation shaft," Tali reported, "It's hot in here but it's clear as far as I can tell."

"Second team, report," Shepard called.

"In position," Garrus replied, "Meet you on the other side of those doors."

"Ok, everyone, let's do this," Shepard ordered then she closed the com.

The corridor in front opened into a wide cavern. As they approached, their huds warned of multiple enemies guarding their progress. Shepard charged forward into the first wave, glad that the landscape finally allowed her to fight in her favorite style. She saw Grunt to her left out of her peripheral vision as she brought her shotgun up to spray incendiary rounds into the bipedal bug in front of her. Grunt was using similar tactics on the Collectors surrounding him. Two enemies whizzed past Shepard on the right, held immobile in a blue mass effect field and Shepard turned her shotgun on one to help Kaidan finish off his targets. Through the melee, Shepard heard chatter over the com.

"_Garrus here. We're taking heavy fire but we're moving forward."_

"Likewise," Shepard acknowledged as the last of the enemies in the room fell at her feet.

As the squad climbed the ramp into the next corridor, Tali called over the com, "I'm stuck. Something's blocking the pipe. Looks like some kind of gate."

Shepard searched the corridor and saw Tali in the transparent ventilation tube flanking the left wall. Just below it was a control valve of some type. She approached it carefully and found it was a crude manual device. She turned it easily with only a slight tug and heard the grate of machinery moving as she did. She saw Tali give a 'thumbs up' above her in the tube and continue her progress.

"The gate is open, moving forward," Tali reported.

Shepard, Kaidan, and Grunt mirrored her progress until the corridor swung to the right and opened into another large cavern. Once again, Collectors were waiting for them. They started to take positions and repeat the tactics of the previous chamber until a new voice rang out over the battlefield and froze them all.

"_You escaped us before, Shepard, not again. Your death is assured." _

"Shit," Shepard cursed, "not this asshole again."

"It really seems to like you, Shepard," Kaidan said in a grim voice.

"It will die like the rest," Grunt shrugged.

"I like the way you think, Grunt. But you worry about the other bugs," Shepard responded. "Ok, Kaidan let's do our thing," she added.

Kaidan nodded and threw a warp at Harbinger. Shepard followed up with a charge and nova and soon the entity deserted its dying husk only to jump to a fresh one nearby.

"_This body does not matter. The flesh is a machine." _

The taunts continued as they repeated their tactics over and over until Tali's frantic cries came over the sudden still silence. "I'm blocked again. You need to find another valve," she reported.

Shepard searched with frantic eyes until she spotted another gear tucked on the left side of the chamber. She used a charge to rush to it and release it just as Tali urged, "Hurry Shepard, it's heating up in here." Tali again waved and moved on. Shepard heard a whirring behind her in the cavern and turned to see that more enemies were flying in. Literally.

"Bugs!" she cried the first thing that came to her head to the squad while she pointed and rushed to attack.

Once again, Harbinger made the battle tougher than usual, but Shepard, Kaidan, and Grunt were up to the challenge. They had established a good synchronicity and Shepard rarely had to direct them. They progressed forward slowly but surely, opening valves for Tali as she reached new obstructions. By the time they had cleared the fourth obstacle, Shepard found that Harbinger's taunts were only minor annoyances and she was so set in the rhythm of battle that she could ignore it with little effort. She paused once the enemies were clear from their location to open the com.

"Second team status?" she called.

"_Garrus here. Making good progress. Heading to rendezvous."_

She nodded and moved them forward. And into another group of Collectors. They repeated their tactics over and over through what seemed like endless tiring waves of enemies. Finally, there was another short break in a cramped corridor after Shepard opened the seventh valve for Tali and she heard Garrus report, "We're in position, just waiting for you to reach us." The end of the corridor led to a long catwalk surrounded by Collectors. Shepard saw another valve on the other side of the catwalk and gritted her teeth as she led them into another skirmish.

They fought furiously for long moments as Harbinger continued to possess the lesser beings directly in Shepard's path and impede her progress to the valve. Tali's reports became frantic as she was forced to wait for Shepard to intercede.

"_Come on, Shepard, I'm being cooked alive. It's too hot, I'm burning up. Hurry, open the valve."_

Shepard fought furiously, trying to ignore the pleas and concentrate only on the Collectors in front of her, one at a time. Her heart began to race in panic when she heard the pain in Tali's voice and she had to make a serious effort to block it out. Finally, there was only one Collector left and they watched in horror as Harbinger possessed it.

"_My attacks will tear you apart." _

"Not this time," Kaidan growled from beside Shepard and flung a warp. Shepard barely waited to see the mass effect field hit before she charged. Tali was out of time, they needed to help her now. Instead of targeting Harbinger, Shepard ran past him and reached for the valve. She heard Kaidan cry out in alarm and felt Harbinger turn to attack her - it almost at her back. An instant later, she heard a roar and saw Harbinger flung past her.

"I AM KROGAN!" Grunt shouted as he finished off the enemy. Shepard heard Tali's sigh of relief as the valve finally gave under Shepard's efforts and she could move forward.

Shepard walked over to where her hero stood with booted foot still planted on his bounty. She headbutted him – gently, out of deference to her neck not his – then turned back to Kaidan with a huge grin. Kaidan gave her a small smile of relief and the trio walked to the door together.

There didn't appear to be anyway to open the closed doors from this side. No control panel or lock was hidden nearby. They finally took turns trying to pry it open, with little success. Finally, the doors swooshed open and Tali stood on the other side. They rushed into the rendezvous chamber as fresh waves of Collectors flew in behind them. They turned and raised their weapons to fend the enemies off as Tali rushed to close and lock the doors again. Finally, the entire crew was reunited in relative safety and Shepard took careful inventory. When she was satisfied that all were accounted for, she turned to her quarian friend.

"Nice work, Tali," she praised. "I knew you wouldn't let me down."

Tali simply nodded, but something about her very demeanor indicated that she preened with pride under the praise.

"Shepard," Miranda called from the other side of the chamber, "you need to see this."

Shepard moved to comply and saw that Miranda had discovered the main chamber filled with thousands of the pods they had seen on the Collector ship. They literally lined the walls and ceiling as far as the eye could see. When they approached one of the nearby pods, Shepard saw that its cover was translucent and she could see a human female form behind the cover. She approached warily in rising horror and then gasped when she recognized one of the colonists from Horizon.

"Shepard?" Kaidan questioned in concern as she began to pry at the pod. She didn't answer him, just kept digging gauntleted hands against the container futilely. Kaidan dropped to his knees to help and they finally began making progress. The woman behind the clear wall appeared to wake slowly and shake her head and they upped their efforts. As they worked together in silence, the woman's face began to rot and she literally melted in an ooze of black liquid. Shepard beat her fists against the partially opened pod in growled in frustration and disgust. Kaidan pulled her back gently and wrapped his arms around her until she steadied and pushed away to stand on her own.

She walked to the next pod and recognized Kelly Chambers in apparently peaceful slumber inside it. She waved the crew over and yelled, "Get them out of there," and the team rushed to break the pods open with fists and butts of their weapons. Thankfully neither Chambers nor any of the other _Normandy_ crew they found suffered the same fate as the Horizon colonist. The last pod in the area held the recumbent form of Dr. Chakwas and Shepard pried it open and the doctor fell into Kaidan's waiting arms.

Dr. Chakwas came to with a moan and looked up at the woman standing over her. "Shepard," she breathed in relief, "You... you came for us."

Shepard bent down until her face was level with the doctor's. Green fire shown thrown her visor as she met the doctor's cool blue gaze. "No one gets left behind," she said fiercely as she stretched out her hand and helped the doctor to her feet. Dr. Chakwas stood and gave Shepard a small smile.

Chambers stumbled over to them. She was subdued, which was startling in contrast to her usually effusive personality. "Thank god you got here in time," she muttered. "A few more seconds and... I don't even want to think about it."

"The colonists were... processed," Chakwas stepped in to explain in a halting tone, "Those swarms of little robots... They melted their bodies into liquid and they... pumped it through these tubes," she trailed off in horror. Shepard placed a supportive hand on her arm.

"Why are they doing this?" Miranda wondered from behind them, "What are they doing with our genetic material?"

"I don't know," Chakwas answered although Miranda's query was likely rhetorical. "I'm just glad you got here before it happened to us," she said to Shepard.

"So are we," Shepard replied. Then she turned to rest of the crew and studied them. "We still have a job to do, though. We've done well so far, let's hope we can finish the job." She opened a channel to the _Normandy_ and called, "Joker, are you there?"

"Read you loud and clear, Commander," came the pilot's reply.

"I've located the crew," Shepard told him, "Can you get the _Normandy_ in position for a pickup?"

"We have enough systems back online to move," he answered, "but it would have to be well back from you."

Shepard nodded. "Not a problem, Joker," she said, "Send the coordinates to Mordin's omni-tool, I'm sending him with the crew as an escort." She saw Mordin nod and open his omni-tool as the information began to transmit.

"Thank you, Commander," Dr. Chakwas breathed as Mordin began to gather them.

"Keep them safe, Mordin," Shepard ordered.

"Will not fail, Commander," Mordin replied then ushered his charges out.

Her crew safe, Shepard slumped a little in tired relief. Kaidan placed a steadying palm in the center of her back. Shepard stood straighter although his touch was light.

"Ok, now what?" she asked the crew at large.

"Joker, can you transmit what data you have on our location to me?" Kaidan asked the pilot. Shepard turned questioning eyes to him and waited patiently as he read the schematics. After a few moments, he summarized, "All these tubes lead into the main control room right above us. The route there is blocked by a security door, but there's another chamber that runs parallel to the one we're in."

"I cannot recommend that," EDI's voice broke in. "Thermal emissions suggest the chamber is overrun with seeker swarms. Mordin's countermeasure cannot protect you against so many at once."

"Mordin can't, but biotics could," Shepard replied thoughtfully.

Kaidan smiled as he caught her meaning. "Yeah, we could hold a barrier around a small team and get them through there."

"Indeed," Samara added, "it would be difficult, but if we kept the group small, it is possible."

"In theory, any biotic could manage it," Miranda put in.

"In theory isn't good enough for this," Shepard replied but smiled to remove any sting from her words, "but thank you, Miranda. I do have a plan however..."


	35. Storming the Base, Part 2

_A/N - So... everytime I play ME2, I want the biotic barrier section to go down differently than how it actually plays out... and it definitely was going to in TTT anyway, cause hello, Kaidan... so I took the liberty of writing it my way XD ... that's what fanfic is for, right? Although I'm taking liberties, all credit still belongs to Bioware! They came up with it, I just revised it :-)  
_

_Thanks for your reviews, AirForceBrat and Gabe97! Nice to know I'm still keeping you happy :-) To everyone else out there reading, following, favoriting, thank you for taking time out of your busy day and spending it in my AU ME2... You all keep me going!_

_Speaking of keeping me going, my awesome beta StoneburntHeart deserves all my love and thanks for her constant support as well :-)_

* * *

"A plan?" Kaidan echoed.

Shepard turned to him and nodded, though when she spoke for words were directed to Miranda. "Miranda, who are the strongest biotics on the crew?" Kaidan was aware that Shepard already knew the answer to her question, but asking Miranda was a brilliant tactic. Miranda would answer honestly a question put to her so directly and publicly, and she would have to exclude herself from the list. So when Shepard didn't include the other woman in her plan, she wouldn't be hurting Miranda's pride, just following her advice.

"Besides you and Kaidan? Samara... and Jack," Miranda answered Shepard's question exactly as Kaidan expected, though she added the last name grudgingly. Kaidan nodded, her assessment aligned with his opinions – and likely Shepard's as well.

Shepard echoed Miranda's list without the hesitation as she began to detail her plan. "Kaidan, Samara, Jack and myself will take the route through the seeker swarms. We'll divide the corridor into four sections. During each section, one of us will hold the barrier while the others fight. The rest of you will provide a diversion by going through the main passage. We'll open the security doors from the other side and meet you there."

"Who should lead the diversion team?" Miranda asked, accepting Shepard's choice without argument – again as Kaidan expected. Here, he saw Shepard hesitate. He knew she would have allowed Garrus to continue in that role if Miranda hadn't spoken, but since Miranda had been honest at the price of her own pride, Shepard would want to reward her. Finally, Shepard inclined her head slightly to Garrus – letting him know without words that her choice was no criticism to him – and waited for his answering nod.

"I need you to do that, Miranda," Shepard answered. Kaidan saw a slight tinge of red color Miranda's cheeks as she nodded crisply in acceptance of the task, and realized with a shock that under all the bluster and boasting, she was really just a woman seeking approval from the authority figure she respected most. In the past, that had been her father, then the Illusive Man, but now Shepard had stepped into that role. Miranda's desire to please actually made her an excellent choice to lead the other team – she'd throw all her considerable skill into making sure they got to the rendezvous safely. It was likely something that Shepard had known – either by instinct or analysis – when she made her choice and Kaidan once again felt his heart swell with pride and gratitude that she was leading them.

Shepard directed the two designated teams to meet individually to plan their strategies and led the smaller group of biotics over to a nearby corner. Kaidan, Samara, and Jack sank to the ground beside Shepard and waited for her to begin.

"We'll break here for ten minutes," Shepard began, "to rest and refuel." She unzipped a pocket on her upper thigh, just above the hard edge of her cuisses, and withdrew several energy bars – standard rations for biotics in combat. Intense combat took a lot of energy from any soldier. For a biotic, it could easily drain even their increased caloric intake in minutes. They had already been through a long prolonged battle and there was more ahead. This break to replenish some of their depleted reserves wasn't just a smart decision on Shepard's part – it was crucial. It might make the difference between life or death. She began to hand out the energy bars she had withdrawn then smiled when she saw Kaidan already held his own and was removing the foil packaging.

Jack withdrew several small flasks from somewhere on her 'armor' and offered them to Shepard. When she reached to take them but hesitated and gave a raised brow, Jack just shrugged. "What? It's only water," and Shepard smiled and took two, leaving the third for Jack. She offered one to Samara who smiled gratefully and drank, and then the other to Kaidan. He opened the flask and drained half of the liquid. The water was warm and flat and tasted better than anything he could remember. He was still slightly thirsty when he handed the half-full flask back to Shepard. He glared at her until she shrugged and drained it herself, and was relieved to see her color was slightly better after.

Once everyone finished their small snack, Shepard opened her omni-tool and displayed the schematics Joker had sent.

"We'll divide the area into sections where the path angles," she instructed, pointing at the map to illustrate, "here, here, and finally, here." She waited for nods of comprehension before she went on, "Each one of us will hold the barrier for the others as they fight through any resistance. When we're clear of enemies, the next biotic steps in, raises a mass effect field, and then the person they're relieving drops theirs. No exposure."

Kaidan nodded in approval. It was a good plan – it gave them both safe passage and ensured no biotic had to carry the strain of holding that large a field for such an extended time. "We need to designate which of us takes which section," he put in.

"Right," Shepard agreed. "Any opinions, Lieutenant?" she asked him.

"The further we go, the more resistance we'll face," Kaidan answered. He had carefully considered his recommendations during their break, and he was happy to be asked for them now. "We'll need you in the fight then," he told Shepard, "so you should take the first section."

"I agree," she answered with a nod. "And likewise, I need the person with the most skill and control to handle the last section. You're the only one here that's held a barrier on multiple people at a distance, Kaidan. You'll bat cleanup."

Again, that aligned with Kaidan's thoughts, though not for the same reason. He was simply unwilling to allow Jack or Samara to have to shoulder the burden of shielding them at the end of what was likely to be a long and tiring fight. It would be draining just to get there... to stand aside and let them take over the most difficult part of the task wasn't something that Kaidan could ever do. He'd take the last section himself. He nodded at Shepard.

"I will relieve Shepard," Samara put in quietly, and Shepard nodded in acceptance.

"That means you're up third, Jack," she added.

"I can handle it," Jack responded, without a trace of her usual biting sarcasm.

"I know you can," Shepard affirmed. She stood and motioned the team to the exit. They followed her and formed a tight formation before her, just in front of the door.

"Let's do this," she called to the entire crew and received nods from the diversion team. Miranda led her group to the exit on the opposite side and Shepard waited until they exited with weapons drawn. She sucked in a deep breath and closed her eyes. She raised both arms to shoulder height and spread her hands and a blue glow began to pulse slowly around them then steadily grow as she concentrated. When she had extended the mass effect field to a wide sphere around all four of them, she opened her eyes and nodded in satisfaction.

"Lieutenant, take point," she said to Kaidan with only slight strain of her biotic effort showing in her voice. Kaidan nodded and slapped the control panel for the door. It slid open with a whoosh and they stepped through it, careful to remain within the perimeter of the blue glow Shepard held around them. Seeker swarms buzzed around the translucent barrier but didn't penetrate and Kaidan heard Shepard breathe a sigh of relief. He echoed it mentally. Until this moment, their plan had been theory. Now they had proof it would work.

Kaidan led them slowly forward, checking the ground carefully for any obstacles or impediments that might distract Shepard from her task. He kicked several large pieces of debris out of the way to ensure her a clear path behind them. They crept forward for several meters before a wave of husks rushed to attack them. Kaidan threw a mass effect field of his own and caught the first two of the pack in a pull. He yanked them back through Shepard's barrier and flung them to the ground in front of the squad. He pumped several rounds into each until they no longer moaned. He saw the flash of a shockwave to his right from Jack and the red glow of a reave from Samara on his left and turned his attention back to the three remaining husks that were still advancing in their zombie-shuffle toward them. He brought his rifle up and used it to kill them. He needed to conserve energy as much as possible for the task ahead so he reminded himself to use his biotics sparingly now.

"Clear," he called sharply when his hud indicated no more enemies. He crept forward and Shepard's barrier advanced slowly in front of them. Again, they progressed another few meters before they heard the buzz of wings and saw Collector troops land some distance in front of them. Kaidan rolled into cover behind a raised enclosure and risked a glance behind at Shepard. He saw comprehension of the threat color her features and she ducked behind a column. Her barrier didn't waver and he breathed a sigh of relief that she had at least minimal cover.

He brought his rifle up and directed fire at the closest group of enemies. Once again, he spotted Samara and Jack employing their favorite biotic tactics in between gun fire from their positions to his left and right.

"Lay off the juice for now," he called over the coms and saw both nod in comprehension. The battle turned to a much more traditional ground war as all three biotics used standard weaponry and the occasional tech skill from Kaidan to dispatch the targets ahead of them. When the Collectors were once again dead, Kaidan ordered the group forward. They handled one more wave of husks and a Scion in the same manner and finally reached the first bend – the designated area for the first barrier exchange. Kaidan held his breath as he watched Samara perform a move reminiscent of the one Shepard had used to begin their entry and for several seconds, the blue glow that surrounded them in safety was doubled in intensity. Shepard finally dropped her mass effect field and sucked in a huge breath of exertion. She leaned over, hands on her thighs for long seconds, catching her breath and gathering her strength, before she moved into cover beside Kaidan. Samara's barrier held around them. Exchange complete.

"Nice work," Kaidan praised quietly as he watched Shepard assess the ground ahead.

"Right back at you, Lieutenant," Shepard praised in return. She opened a com channel and called, "Diversion team report."

"Taking heavy fire, but situation under control," came Miranda's reply. Shepard closed the channel and lead them out, taking point now.

Kaidan nodded in satisfaction when the next wave of Collectors attacked and the squad reacted. Clearly Shepard had paid attention during his turn leading the squad, as she abandoned her traditional tactics in favor of spraying the enemies with incendiary-modded rounds from her assault rifle. He knew, technically, that since her turn holding the barrier was done, she could unleash her biotics at will. But she was as aware as he that enemy resistance would be strongest during the last part of their journey and she would conserve her energy for that time.

They continued their slow progress through waves of Collector troops, husks, and Scions behind the protection of Samara's blue shield. Just before the next bend of the corridor, when Jack would be tapped to take over the barrier, the tone of the battle changed. A new wave of Collectors flew in and a familiar and unwelcome voice boomed out behind them.

"_Assuming control of this form. I will direct this personally."_

"Fuck," Shepard growled from her position in front and slightly to Kaidan's left. They both trained their weapons on the glowing figure that Harbinger possessed and opened fire. Killing it with just conventional weapons was an exercise in frustration for both of them. They slowly whittled its barrier down with what seemed like tiny bug bites from their rifle fire. When they finally managed to defeat Harbinger's vessel it immediately jumped to a new Collector with fresh taunts.

"_This changes nothing, Shepard. We are not finished." _

"Kaidan..." Shepard growled in frustration.

"I know..." he replied. Harbinger's delay changed the tone of the battle. Holding back on biotics now was just as dangerous as not conserving them – perhaps more if it meant exposing Samara to the strain of shielding them for a long time. "Ok," he confirmed her unspoken request, "let's do this." He ducked out of cover and threw a warp at Harbinger. Its barrier fell and he pulled it closer so that Shepard could use a charge safely in the confines of the shield. He glanced to the left and saw Jack grinning like a fool, unleashing shockwave after shockwave at the oncoming enemy, happy to finally be released from restraint.

They reached the checkpoint shortly after and Jack walked behind Samara and stood still. Kaidan watched her take several deep breaths to steady herself, then stretch her arms out as the other women had when performing this procedure. The blue glow that began at her clenched fists was somehow different than Shepard's or Samara's – it was a deeper blue but brighter at the same time. Jack closed her eyes tightly and the shield stretched out over Samara's encompassing it. The barrier shimmered briefly, then held. Samara lowered her arms and mass effect field with a deep sigh. When she joined the rest of the squad and took her position behind and to the right of Shepard, Shepard turned slightly and placed a hand on the justicar's arm.

"Good work, Samara," Shepard said quietly. She dropped her hand after Samara nodded in thanks for the praise. As she had during the last exchange, she opened a com channel and asked Miranda for a report. Diversion team safety's ensured, Shepard turned her eyes back to the corridor ahead. She could already see husks and Scions rushing to meet them just around the bend. The Collectors were aware of their infiltration and their location and the waves were larger and more frequent now. She motioned them forward to attack.

They dispatched two more waves of lesser enemies before Harbinger once again joined the fray. Kaidan and Shepard concentrated on Harbinger's vessel with the skill of long practice and left the stragglers to Samara to dispatch. Just as Harbinger abandoned its last body, the barrier around them wavered and shimmered slightly and several of the robot seekers penetrated the shield. Shepard threw her arms to the ground around them in a quick nova blast and dispatched them before the stinging synthetics could harm the squad and Kaidan turned concerned eyes to Jack. She was standing behind them but her breath heaved in effort and sweat was beaded on her forehead. Most concerning to Kaidan was the look of growing doubt in her wide eyes.

Kaidan glanced back to Shepard and saw that she was already in cover, preparing for the wave of Collectors that were flying in from above. She turned her head and met his eyes then gestured with her head behind him. The message was clear – 'see to her, I'll take care of this'. She turned back and raised her rifle and Kaidan ducked behind the large rock formation Jack was using for cover.

"You've got this, Jack," he spoke quietly in a voice that held the ring of truth and belief but he kept his eyes trained on the battle ahead. "Just a little further. You can do it."

"Yeah," Jack replied and her voice showed strain. "Yeah," she repeated but this time it was stronger and more sure. "Go kick ass, Boyscout," she told Kaidan, "I've got this."

Kaidan spared her a grin and rolled into cover beside Shepard. He fell into their rhythm once again and the barrier never wavered again during the remainder of the fight. After two more large waves, they reached the final checkpoint. The area was clear for now, and Kaidan stood to take his position behind Jack and take over the shield, but Shepard stopped him with a hand on his arm. He met her eyes and they held for long seconds as they had an entire conversation without words.

_'Be careful',_ her eyes said to him.

_'I can do this,'_ his assured.

_'I trust you,'_ was the answer he read in her green gaze.

_'I'll always keep you safe,' _he told her with a look.

_'I love you,'_ was the final message - and this time it was in both their eyes - as he turned and walked back to Jack.

Kaidan stretched out his arms to copy the maneuver he had seen performed three times now. He began to center himself as he heard Shepard's voice quietly check in with Miranda over the com. He pushed the sound away, closed his eyes, blocked it out, and took deep breaths until he felt the peaceful calm wash over him. He reached for the power that was there, under the surface, and drew it out slowly. He felt the contrast between his new implant and the old L2 most at moments like this – in that instant before he gathered a mass effect field. Before his death, the power was always there, straining for release, and the process of generating a field was similar to opening a floodgate – but having to do it slowly and with control. Now, the power was tucked behind what he mentally pictured as hundreds of small doors and he could open as many or as few as he wanted with little effort. It had taken effort to adjust to the change, but Kaidan was grateful that he had already overcome that burden in this moment. He focused and opened as many mental doors as he could imagine and began to glow blue. He pushed against the field, stretching it as if he were inflating a balloon. When he extended it as far as he could, he opened his eyes and nodded with satisfaction at the glowing blue sphere around them. He nodded to Jack and she dropped her hands with a sigh of relief and joined Shepard and Samara.

Shepard nodded at him and turned back to lead the squad out. Kaidan crept forward slowly, concentrating on keeping the field steady and far enough in front of Shepard to ensure the squad's protection. A wave of husks approached and Kaidan ducked behind a nearby enclosure for safety. That's when the real strain hit him. He found he had to close his eyes and try to block out the sound of the furious combat ahead. Holding the barrier around them while he cowered behind cover, unable to assist took more effort than he expected. The biotics didn't strain him – rather it was the part of him that made him the man he was – a warrior, a protector – that he had to fight to restrain now. For him, it was the most difficult part of their long struggle so far.

When Shepard called clear, he stood and opened his eyes. He paused for a moment and took inventory – first of Shepard then the rest of the squad – before he could begin to move forward again. They crept forward a small distance before they were attacked again. Kaidan gritted his teeth and ducked back into cover and concentrated on keeping them safe in the only way he could.

Harbinger joined the fray again and Kaidan panicked for a single heartbeat until he saw Shepard direct Jack and Samara to assist her with practiced calm. He nodded with satisfaction and moved out as the Collectors once again fell before the squad. The could now see the doors to the rendezvous chamber ahead of them and they fought furiously under Kaidan's protection and watchful gaze to reach them.

When they crested the top of the last rise before the gaping exit, a fresh wave of Collectors swarmed behind them and Miranda's frantic voice broke through the melee of battle.

"Shepard, we're at the doors but we're pinned down," she cried, "we need you to get us out of here."

It was her tone more than the words that alerted them to the danger the diversion team faced. Kaidan watched as Shepard moved to attack the new group of enemies with a look of grim determination. When they heard Harbinger's taunt ring out a second later, Kaidan knew they'd never get to the other team in time.

"Shepard," he called over the battlefield to get her attention. "Keep moving – get to the doors!" Without waiting for her reply, he started walking forward himself, ignoring the bullets and energy beams that whizzed around them. Shepard glanced over her shoulder at the door and then back to Kaidan. She moved the team toward the door, walking backwards and firing her rifle blindly at the enemies nipping right at Kaidan's heels. She paused at the door and waited until Jack and Samara were safely through then motioned to Kaidan.

Kaidan turned and saw the large mass of enemies just beyond the edge of his barrier. He reached inside himself, in that place that his power lived, and found a few more doors to open. "Go!" he called back to Shepard and didn't wait to hear if she responded before he gathered all the force of his barrier and the new power he had released and flung it out from his hands in a long cascading wave of blue energy right into the center mass of the swarm behind them. He rolled down the rest of the ramp and through the doors and heard them snap shut behind them. He felt Shepard's arms close around him in a tight embrace and hugged her back, breathing a huge sigh of relief.


	36. Storming the Base, Part 3

_A/N - Ah, finally the end of the Suicide Mission... This chapter features my favorite line from all of ME2 - and its a renegade one, go figure XD! I think it fits here... Hope you enjoy! As always, all thanks and credit go to Bioware for creating this incredible universe!_

_AirForceBrat and Magnus, thanks for your reviews! I appreciate the feedback, even if I didn't quite live up to your expectations, Magnus :-/ Hopefully this chapter does better!  
_

_As always, thanks to my beta and fellow fangirl, StoneburntHeart for her constant love, support, and encouragement!_

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Kaidan felt Shepard wave Jack and Samara to the door on the opposite side of the room but she continued to hold him in a tight grip, as if she would never let him go. He pushed against her to get enough leverage to sit then placed gloved fingers under her chin and lifted it til their eyes met.

"I'm ok," he told her quietly.

She nodded and calmed. She stood and offered him a hand and they joined the rest of the squad in front of the other door. Jack jammed her fist against the stubborn control panel and to everyone's surprise, it worked. The doors swooshed open and the rest of the crew came streaming through. Kaidan, Shepard, Jack and Samara took up positions on the walls beside the door and leaned around to help Miranda provide her team with covering fire.

Miranda walked backwards, holding up the rear guard, her smg spitting a rain of hot bullets into the enemies behind them. Just as she reached the doorway, a lucky shot grazed her abdomen and she bent over and hissed in pain. The doors snapped shut and closed the enemy out.

Kaidan rushed to Miranda. He placed hands on both her arms to steady her. "Miranda?" he questioned.

"I'm alright," she replied as she stood straight. "Just a graze," she tried to wave Kaidan off, but he already had his omni-tool employed for first-aid scans and the medi-gel tube in his hand to patch her up. She stood quietly and submitted to the attention until he nodded in satisfaction and stood back.

The crew gathered around Shepard in a loose circle as she opened a com channel.

"Joker, are you at the rendezvous point?" she asked.

"I'm here, Commander," he replied, "and Mordin and Chakwas and the rest of the crew just showed up."

Kaidan was distracted from the conversation by sounds from the other side of the door Shepard's team had passed through. He walked closer to the portal with his omni-tool employed again.

"Everyone is safe, Shepard," EDI reported, "no casualties. There should be some platforms nearby that will take you to the main control console. From there you can overload the system and destroy the base."

"Outstanding," Shepard replied with satisfaction coloring her voice. She glanced up and saw Kaidan at the door. "Stand by, _Normandy_," she said as she closed the com. She walked over to Kaidan and met his eyes with a question in hers.

"We've got a problem, Commander," he told her quietly. "Hostiles massing outside this door, trying to break through. It's holding for now, but that won't last."

"Ok," she acknowledged him in an equally low tone. She turned and walked slowly back to the remaining crew and Kaidan joined her. "I'm going to take a small team forward from here," she addressed the crew in a firm voice, "and I need the rest of you to hold this position. Kaidan, Grunt, you're with me. Garrus and Miranda, I need you to lead the rear guard, keep the bugs off our asses." She paused and watched as everyone nodded and shuffled into the groups she had designated. She walked a slow circle around them before she came to a stop at the top of the loose circle again. She stepped up on the first platform EDI had mentioned and stood slightly above them and began to speak.

"The Collectors, Cerberus, the Reapers... they aren't a threat to _us. _They're a threat to _everything_ - _everyone_. Those are the lives we're fighting for. That's the scale," she paused and her voice softened a bit before she went on, "It's been a long journey. And no one's coming out without scars." Again she paused and when she continued, her voice rang with authority. "But it all comes down to this. We win or lose it all in the next few minutes." She turned her head to the right and met Kaidan's eyes before she went on, "We all have a reason to get out of this. Someone to go home to. Make them proud. Make me proud. Make yourselves proud."

As cheers of approval and murmurs of assent rang out around them, Kaidan and Shepard held each others eyes. They both knew the stakes and heard her message loud and clear. They had a son waiting for them. They'd finish this in his honor and return to his side safely.

Shepard drew the mantle of command around her and her face changed to a blank mask. She moved to the edge of the platform and took point as a similar platform bearing Collectors flew in to the right. She barely heard Harbinger's taunts ring out – she was so accustomed to hearing them now, it was just another buzz of white noise in her head as she drew her rifle and poised for attack. The battle began.

They pressed forward slowly, jumping from platform to platform, until they reached one with a raised pedestal. They cleared the enemies around it and approached it warily.

"All the tubes lead to this spot," Kaidan said as he craned his neck to search the structures around them.

Shepard reached a hand out and tentatively pressed the button on the panel. The platform lifted beneath them and took off with a swoop. Shepard gripped the pedestal to brace herself and looked around warily.

She opened a channel to the _Normandy_ and asked, "What can you tell us, EDI?"

"The tubes are feeding into some kind of super-structure," the AI reported. "It is emitting both organic and non-organic energy signatures. Given these readings, it must be massive," her voice was hushed with emphasis. There was a pause as the platform began to slow, perhaps anticipation of arrival at its unknown destination. EDI's voice went on, and clear emotion colored the AI's tone now, "Shepard, if my calculations are correct, the super-structure is... a Reaper."

"Not just any Reaper," Shepard confirmed grimly as the platform they were on glided to a stop and she studied the creature that lurked in apparently slumber before them. It was massive – hundreds of meters tall and its outline was made all the more threatening because of its familiar lines. Although metal and wires took the place of bone and muscle, the shape was easy to identify and Shepard breathed its description to EDI, "A human Reaper."

"Precisely," EDI confirmed superfluously. "It appears the Collectors have processed tens of thousands of humans," EDI continued to report. "Significantly more would be required to complete the Reaper. This Reaper appears to be in the very early stage of development. An embryo, in human terms."

"This thing is an abomination - not a baby," Shepard growled. "And its not taking any more lives. EDI, how do we destroy it?"

"The large tubes injecting the fluid are a weak structural link," EDI reported, "destroying them should cause the entire structure to fall."

Shepard studied the conduits that flowed into the creature like a cruel parody of medical intravenous tubes and smiled grimly. There were four – two to each side. "That'll do, thank you, EDI," she replied to the AI and cut the com. She drew her Collector particle beam and readied the heavy weapon but Kaidan's voice broke in before she could fire at the first tube.

"Commander!" he cried to draw her attention to the new wave of Collectors flying in from the north.

"Guess we have to take care of a few old friends first," Shepard grunted as she switched weapons again and drew her assault rifle to attack. Again, Harbinger's taunts rang out around them as the squad worked together to eliminate the new threat. Again, all enemies fell to their synchronous attack. This time, there was no break in the action as new waves of Collectors flew in on platforms to surround them. Shepard quickly saw the futility of their efforts and motioned Kaidan and Grunt behind cover with her.

"Kaidan, I need you guys to keep them off me while I take down the Reaper," she told him. She drew her heavy weapon again and waited for Kaidan and Grunt to distract the closest group of enemies. She fired the beam directly into the top left tube and heard it break with a satisfying crack of glass and a nauseating splash of fluid. Her success drew Harbinger's attention to her location and she had to quickly duck back into cover as it turned its beam weapon to her and shot a burst of pale energy into the location her head had been moments before.

She waited until Kaidan and Grunt engaged Harbinger's new body and fired at the second tube on the left side. It too fell under her fire and she grunted in satisfaction. A wave of husks headed in her direction and she charged them. She finished them with a nova blast and took cover in her new location. She brought the particle beam up again and aimed for the tubes on the right side, but had to duck a Scion's laser before she could get a shot off. She growled in frustration but waited for an opening and took it. Three down, one to go. She glanced to her right and saw Kaidan and Grunt working furiously to thin out a swarm off husks with guns and biotics. She switched weapons quickly and fired at a Collector that had managed to flank Kaidan. She nodded in satisfaction when she saw he was safe and turned back to her objective, drawing the Collector particle beam once again. One more well-placed stream of the beam's laser and the Reaper began to shudder and rock off its perch. It fell, in nearly slow-motion, to the chasm below.

Shepard used her assault rifle and biotics to help Kaidan and Grunt finish off the last wave of Collectors, then she walked to the edge and peered down. The yawning black yielded no sight of the Reaper corpse – nor would it, the chasm was simply too deep - so she shrugged. She opened coms and called, "Shepard to ground team, report!"

"It's Thane," came a raspy reply, "We are holding, but they keep coming."

"Head back to the _Normandy_," she ordered.

"Acknowledged," he replied.

Shepard opened a channel to the _Normandy_ and called, "Joker, prep the engines. The rest of the crew is headed your way and Kaidan's about to blow this place sky high."

Kaidan nodded in confirmation from his position crouched beneath the control panel at the apex of the structure.

"Roger that, Commander," Joker replied. Shepard watched in silence as Kaidan opened the panel and began to set the charges inside for a few moments until Joker's voice floated back over the com. "Uh, Commander, I've got an incoming signal from the Illusive Man..."

Kaidan looked up at met her eyes, then went back to work. "The other shoe drops, finally," Shepard muttered then raised her voice and replied to Joker, "Put him through." She opened her omni-tool and the pale holo of the Illusive Man floated above her wrist a moment later.

"Shepard," he said in greeting, "You've done the impossible!"

"Yeah, yeah," she mocked with tired sarcasm. "Why don't we skip the empty pleasantries and cut to the chase? I know you've worked for over two years to get me here. Tell me why."

He actually appeared speechless for a long moment before the sound of a resigned sigh escaped him. "Very well," he finally replied. "I want the technology the Collectors have gathered from the Reapers. I want the Reaper embryo – intact. I want you to use an em pulse to disable the base, and leave it intact."

"You're insane!" Shepard cried, astounded now that the full extent of his plan was revealed. "The Reapers want to destroy us and you want to – what? Make friends?"

"Not make friends," he countered in a steady tone. "I want to study them, harness them, learn to control them. Don't you see, Shepard? They could be the greatest tool humanity has ever known. With that, we could be the greatest power in the galaxy. All would bow before us!"

"I'm sorry," Shepard replied with acidic sarcasm dripping from every word, "I'm having a hard time hearing you. There's a lot of _bullshit_ on this line."

"It doesn't matter if you believe me, Shepard," the Illusive Man replied in a still-even tone, "or whether you agree. I think you've forgotten – I hold all the cards." She watched as he pressed a button on the control panel beside him and called, "Miranda!"

Shepard heard Miranda's voice answer in acknowledgment from both sides of the com.

"Why don't you give Shepard a demonstration of why it's in her best interests to comply?" the Illusive Man said with his voice now dripping with acid too.

"Do you want to take this one or shall I, Shepard?" Miranda replied over the dual connection.

"All yours," Shepard replied and sat back to watch the fireworks.

"Miranda!" the Illusive Man cut in over them, "I gave you an order."

"I don't follow your orders any more, Illusive Man," Miranda replied coldly. "Consider this my resignation. And for the record, the leash no longer exists."

"You can't do this, Miranda," the Illusive Man was nearly howling in frustration now, "I made you!"

"No," she replied coldly. "My father made me. You tried to use me like any other pawn on a chess board. But I answer to only one person now – myself."

Before he could reply, Shepard cut in. "We're done here. We're blowing this base and that's final."

"You'll regret-" the Illusive Man began but Shepard interrupted again before he could finish.

"Joker! Lose this channel," she called.

"Aye, aye, Commander," Joker replied and the Illusive Man's holo blinked out.

Shepard turned her attention back to Kaidan and Grunt and found they were both staring at her with huge grins. Apparently, they had listened in on the entire exchange and it had entertained them.

"What?" she said with a shrug, "He pissed me off."

"Remind me never to make you mad... again," Kaidan replied dryly.

"Heh heh heh," Grunt rumbled behind them.

They shared a grin again until Shepard sobered and asked, "How are those explosives coming, Lieutenant?"

"Gets easier with practice," Kaidan replied deadpan. Then he, too, sobered and answered, "Ready, ma'am," in correct form.

"Timer?" she asked in military shorthand she knew he would follow.

"Ten," he replied, answering in the same fashion that they had ten minutes to escape once the explosives were engaged.

"Deploy," she ordered and he pressed the control to start the timer.

"Let's move," she called to the squad at large now, "we have ten minutes before this place is blown to hell."

Kaidan and Grunt stepped in to formation behind her and they were halfway across the platform when they heard a massive groan behind them. They turned and saw the Reaper carcass climbing out of the pit – still very much active.

"Well, shit," Shepard growled as she dropped into cover.

"I believe that covers it, ma'am," Kaidan shot back as he too ducked beside her.

Shepard raised her beam weapon once again and aimed it at the Reaper's glowing eyes. She paused and didn't fire and Kaidan thought he heard her mutter, "Chocolate-covered strawberries."

"What?" he asked in utter confusion, sure he couldn't have heard her right.

"Chocolate-covered strawberries," she repeated. "It's what I want for dessert after the dinner you're buying me when I kill this BITCH," she screamed the last word and fired a stream of red hot energy directly into its eye.

Kaidan couldn't prevent a small chuckle as he raised his rifle and joined the fight. Only Shepard...

As the fight went on, Kaidan tried to ignore the timer in his head that kept counting inexorably down to the time that would make their defeat of the Reaper moot. He tried not to dwell on the distance between their location and the _Normandy_ and calculate the time they'd need to get there. When Harbinger reared its ugly head, Kaidan was almost glad to it for the first time ever. Its taunts and the new distraction gave him another focus other than the alarms screaming in his head. He and Grunt concentrated on Harbinger's vessels as Shepard continued to relentlessly pound the Reaper with heavy weapon fire.

Eventually time stopped – or lost its meaning – as the Reaper finally fell under Shepard's relentless assault and began to crumble in violent explosions. Its clawed hands reached for any purchase and grasped the edge of the platform holding them. The floor groaned under the added weight and the platform began to tilt forward under the pressure. Kaidan watched in mute horror as Shepard lost her balance and began to slide to the edge. The yawning chasm waited to embrace her below. Kaidan threw himself down on his belly and stretched his arms out full length. He grasped her wrists just before she would have slid out of reach and began to pull her back to the center of the platform. The Reaper lost its fight with gravity and slid into the chasm; its dead hands released the edge it had gripped. The platform tilted again as it overbalanced in the opposite direction. Kaidan was thrown back against the hard edge of an enclosure and blackness swallowed him.

When he regained consciousness, his first thought wasn't of time or to question their victory. Rather, all could think was 'Shepard.' He shifted the debris that had landed on him and pushed himself up on his knees. His eyes searched the wreckage around them frantically until he finally spotted her, lying inert under another piece of debris, near the edge of the platform. He crawled to her carefully and refused to allow the panic that wanted to rise any purchase. When he touched her back, he felt her chest rise and fall with breath and let his out in relief. He pulled the heavy beam off her back and helped her roll over. She moaned and shook her head a bit but her eyes met his and they were clear. He pulled her up into a sitting position and saw her eyes darting around them as his had when he searched for her. Only then did he remember Grunt, but now the panic was back. His heart pounded in his chest until they located the krogan by following his moans. They unpinned him and helped him stand.

"Do you copy?" Joker's sharp voice over the com broke the silence. "Come on, Shepard, don't leave me hanging, do you copy?"

"I'm here, Joker," Shepard replied. "Did everyone else make it?"

"All survivors on board," he confirmed, "We're just waiting for you."

"Let's go," Shepard called to Grunt and Kaidan and took off at a run.

Harbinger's echoing voice dogged their heels the entire short trip.

"_Human, you've changed nothing. Your species has the attention of those infinitely your greater. That which you know as Reapers are your salvation through destruction."_

Kaidan shivered a bit at the menace in the both the words and the tone but kept running. The _Normandy_ loomed just over the next rise, and he pushed himself to run faster, faster. He saw Grunt leap for the open bay door and land on the floor with a roll. Joker appeared in the doorway, assault rifle in arms, and began to fire at the Collectors pursuing them. Unfortunately, a stray bullet from their return fire struck the platform right in front of the _Normandy_ and knocked it off into the chasm. There was now a wide gap between the last platform and the safe haven of the _Normandy_. Kaidan gathered himself and sprang off the very edge of the last platform and rolled onto the frigate's floor. He scrambled up and looked back for Shepard. She was just beginning her own leap, and while he knew she had the strength, he saw that the slight difference in their heights was enough to make the distance too far for her. Without even thinking, he threw a pull and caught her, then tugged her onto the _Normandy_ and safely into his arms.


	37. Home

_A/N - Originally, TTT had only one epilogue, but then my son challenged me with an idea and suddenly there were two lol... Since they're radically different (this first chapter is the serious, fluffy one, the second is more comedy...) they get separate chapters and you get a double post! Although that means that this is no longer the last chapter in this fic, I'm going to abuse this authors note and leave the next one short and sweet! First, let me give my eternal thanks to Bioware once again for creating the ME universe and everything in it... Without their brilliance, we'd have no Shepard, no Kaidan, no Shenko... and no happy fanfic writers to twist their story from how it was originally told! They own credit for everything~_

_Since there really isn't enough space here to repeat the names of all the reviewers, followers, favorites, etc and I doubt you have the patience to read them, plus I've already thanked them personally once, I hope you'll forgive me if I just use a blanket: Thank you in this note. Thank you for all your feedback, encouragement, support and for the gift of your personal time. You have truly made writing this fic a pleasure, even when it was a chore~_

_For those of you who are interested, I'm hard at work at continuing this Shepard's and Kaidan's tale through the events of ME3... Ordinarily, I feel very bittersweet about completing a fic, but the sequel has helped a lot with that... I have several chapters complete and more in progress, and I'll post the prologue tomorrow. It's called 'Twist the Knife' so look for it if you'd like!~_

_Finally, words can never fully express my gratitude to StoneburntHeart... she has held my hand, been my cheering section, let me bounce ideas off her relentlessly and been willing to beta anything I sent her, despite the hour (we have a severe time difference!) In short, TTT is what it is thanks largely to her! _

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The bright warm Canadian sun shone in gentle benediction over a sea of gently swaying green grass the first time Kaidan met his son. He stood on the edge of the yard that surrounded the small cottage at his parent's orchard in the British Columbia interior and forgot how to breathe as the door opened and a small bundle of energy shot out on legs that were short but nimble.

Caleb's black curls bounced over his head as the toddler made a beeline for his mother in a dead run, yelling, "Mama!" in a joy-filled tone the entire way. It was a short journey but Shepard dropped the bags she was carrying at Kaidan's feet and took off at a jog herself and met her son in the middle of the yard. Kaidan watched with tears welling in his eyes as she dropped to her knees and wrapped their son in her embrace. She buried her head against his neck and Kaidan saw her back heave with sobs. The sight was so powerfully emotional, Kaidan had to glance away to catch his breath. He looked up with eyes filled with tears to see his parents standing in the door to the cottage. Kaidan took a moment to study them as they watched the touching reunion and again gave thanks that he was here, finally. Home. With his family.

In the month since the _Normandy_ barely escaped the Collector base and carved her name in galactic history as the first ship to ever return through the perilous Omega-4 relay, Kaidan had dreamed of this moment every night. He had held Shepard in their bed and begged her for stories of home and family in a desperate attempt to stave off impatience at the obstacles that kept them from their return to Earth. She had patiently recounted and often repeated stories of her time with Caleb and Kaidan's parents before she had left to rejoin the _Normandy_. Kaidan had fancifully begun to think of them as his bedtime stories, and the scenes she detailed had played out in his dreams when he finally closed his eyes to sleep.

After the relay, the _Normandy_ had docked at Omega for two weeks of repairs and safety checks before Tali, Joker, Shepard, and Kaidan had declared her safe to fly again. The day that they cleared the station, Kaidan's heart had sung. When the message from Councilor Anderson requesting their immediate appearance at the Citadel had arrived an hour later, he tried to shove impatience aside in favor of duty. Some days he was more successful than others. They had passed another four days on the Citadel in Council debriefings and endless meetings with Alliance personnel in between saying their goodbyes to various crew as they left to go their separate ways. By the time they were summoned to Alliance HQ on Earth, the only members of the crew not subject to that authority – at least at some time in their careers – were Garrus and Miranda.

Garrus had never been to Earth and decided to join them out of curiosity to see the human homeworld for the first time and in a desire to meet his newly adopted 'nephew'. Shortly after the Collector's defeat, Kaidan and Shepard had broken the news about Caleb to Garrus – he was their closest friend and they felt he deserved to hear it from them – and he had touched both of them with his sincere and emotional reaction. He started calling himself 'Uncle Garrus' the next day and even now was waiting in Vancouver for the family to join them.

Miranda accompanied them to Earth to formally present her evidence against Cerberus in a series of formal hearings. She testified clearly and carefully about the Lazarus project, Kaidan's resurrection, Cerberus' involvement in the _Normandy SR1_ attack, and finally, detailed the full extent of the manipulations Cerberus had used to prevent Kaidan's return to the Alliance. She offered her detailed medical records and logs as proof, and added Mordin's and Dr. Chakwas' as additional weight. It was an incredible act of courage and honesty and Shepard and Kaidan sat in the gallery and hung on every word of her testimony for three days. In the end, the Alliance Defense Committee voted to pardon Miranda Lawson in exchange for her agreement to attach herself to a civilian medical research organization and on the condition that she denounced all current and future ties with Cerberus. Miranda graciously agreed to all stipulations and was on a transport bound for the Citadel the following morning.

The Defense Committee also voted to pardon Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko of any wrongdoings perceived or real during his time spent hostage on a Cerberus vessel. Kaidan wasn't sure if he had Miranda to thank for that or Shepard for delivering the Alliance the prize of an upgraded stealth-capable frigate with all bells and whistles and nearly wrapped neatly in a bow. The bow part was literal – she had grinned and said she was sticking a bright red Christmas ribbon to the _Normandy's_ hull when they arrived in Vancouver, but Joker had begged, pleaded, cajoled, and finally blackmailed her with incriminating video of Kaidan leaving her cabin soaking wet before she relented and agreed not to 'embarrass his baby.' So the Alliance got their ship - sans bow.

Whatever the reason, they reinstated Kaidan at his current rank and grade and even offered him back pay and accumulated leave. Kaidan had accepted graciously and immediately put in a request for leave for family reasons. In total, they were on Earth for five days before they headed to the orchard. He and Shepard had talked about it when they arrived in Vancouver. They discarded the idea of summoning Caleb and Kaidan's parents to the city with no debate. They would hold this first and most intimate and important meeting out of prying eyes.

Kaidan was started out of his reverie by the sound of Shepard's voice calling his name softly. He turned his head and saw her approaching. She was carrying Caleb now, although he was squirming and protesting, "Down, Mama!" She tickled him and he giggled and she walked the last few steps toward Kaidan in relative peace. She lowered Caleb to the ground and stepped back to give her men a chance to meet.

Kaidan went to his knees so that he could be closer to his son's eye level. Again, he lost his breath for a moment as eyes so close to the ones he saw in the mirror every morning met his. Caleb studied him with a serious concentration for a long minute until he finally broke into a grin and showed off his new teeth. He tilted his head in curiosity and questioned, "Who you?"

Kaidan had to swallow past the lump in his throat before he could find his own voice. "I'm your Dad," he answered his son quietly.

"Daddy?" Caleb echoed and his face showed confusion now, "Daddy go away."

Shepard's voice answered him as she knelt to join them. "That's right, baby," her voice was soft and thick with tears, "Daddy went away. But Mama went to find him. Caleb, this is Daddy. I brought him home," she reached out to stroke her son's hair with a soft touch and Kaidan saw the tears streaming down her cheek.

Caleb, however, was oblivious to the strong emotions around him and accepted his mother's explanation with a giggle and clap of his hands. "Daddy!" he exclaimed and threw himself into Kaidan's arms. "Daddy home!"

Kaidan wrapped his arms around his son's small body and held him tight. When he looked up and met Shepard's eyes over their son's head, he had tears streaming down his cheeks, too. 'Thank you,' he mouthed silently to her and saw her nod in response. He closed his eyes again until Caleb decided he'd been hugged enough and wriggled his way out of his father's embrace. Kaidan stood as Caleb grabbed his hand and tugged on it. He entwined his free hand with Shepard's and they followed Caleb to Kaidan's parents who greeted them with warm embraces of their own. Kaidan stood in the center of a circle of all the people he loved in the world and again gave thanks that despite all odds and twists of fate, he was finally home.


	38. Maybe

_A/N - this chapter isn't really an epilogue per se... we wrapped up their story in the last chapter, but rather, this is inspired by an idea my son gave me... I ran with it... Hopefully you'll enjoy! This takes place in the time between TTT and Twist the Knife - the sequel..._

_As usual, I give Bioware all due credit, and thank StoneburntHeart for her continual support~_

* * *

Shepard woke from the dream with a gasp and stretched her arm out beside her to make sure Kaidan was still there. They had shifted in their sleep and he was laying on his side, facing away from her, but still her hand met warm, bare skin and she sighed with relief. Just a dream, then. She rolled toward him, intending to cuddle against his back and go back to sleep, but apparently he had heard her wake or felt her touch and it had been enough to wake him, too. He rolled over and met her eyes with his slumberous whiskey gaze. He leaned down and kissed her softly then asked, "Bad dream?" as he searched her eyes.

She knew he was concerned that it had been another of the nightmares that had frequented her – both before the _Normandy_, thanks to the Prothean beacons, and more horribly, after, when memories of the crash played out in her head in a torturous loop – so she rushed to reassure him. "Not bad, not like that," she told him. "More weird..." she added, unsure how to explain it.

"Weird?" he questioned. "Weird like Joker dating EDI weird?" he probed, remembering the one time they had laughed for hours over that one. She had dreams that would put most vid writers to shame – sometimes horror vid writers, but occasionally, the comedy ones, too.

"No, not exactly," she replied with an evasive sigh. She really felt stupid for waking him over this now.

"Shepard," he said when it appeared she'd try to dismiss it. He was trying to get her to leave old habits of bottling things up and not talking to him about them behind. If it was enough to wake her, and send her searching for him in a panic, it was enough to talk about. And deal with. Then they could hopefully go back to sleep and get enough rest to chase after the endless bundle of energy that was their son tomorrow. But now, he persisted. "Just tell me, ok?"

She blew out a long breath and nodded. "You're going to think it's stupid," she warned, but dropped it after the look he sent her. "Fine," she said, a little sullenly. "I dreamed that I was the one who died when the _Normandy_ went down. And Cerberus brought me back."

He drew her close against him and wrapped his arms around her in response to the stress he saw on her face though he was sure she'd deny the effect the dream had had on her. When she settled against him, he spoke quietly, "It's not a huge surprise... Cerberus sent the Collectors against us, and their target was always you. I was just the backup plan. So dreaming about it the other way now isn't all that strange, right?"

She nodded against his chest and he thought that might be the end, easy enough to banish this one. But she sighed again and continued. "That wasn't all," she told him. Then she fell silent.

He pushed aside a moment of irritation that he sometimes felt when dragging an issue out of her felt like pulling teeth. He reached for the patience borne of infinite love he had for this woman – his life, his heart, the mother of his child – and stroked her back softly. When he was completely calm, he asked, "What else was there?"

"In my dream, Cerberus was good," she said and sounded like she didn't believe it even in her dream. "Or at least, not totally evil. And they convinced me that working for them was the right thing."

"Some of what Cerberus wanted could be construed as good," Kaidan stretched... really far... in an attempt to placate.

She slapped her palm against his chest in irritation. "That's not true and you know it," she growled. "But in my dream, it was more... gray, I guess. And I got sucked in..." she trailed off and sighed again.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"They convinced me that the Alliance had turned their back on me – similar, I guess, to what happened to you," she rushed to explain, "but in my dream, it was much more brutal."

"Ok," he replied, more to keep the conversation going than in total understanding. To him, the Alliance had completely turned their backs on him – they just hadn't accounted for Shepard or Anderson. Which gave him the perfect opening... "What about Anderson or the Council?"

"The Council is never helpful in any reality," she dismissed with a wave. "And Anderson completely stonewalled me. Acted like he didn't even know me. And when I asked about you, he acted like we didn't mean anything to each other."

"So he sent you away, like he did to me?" Kaidan asked in clarification. When she nodded, he went on, "Well, what about me then?"

"_You_," she said with a growl... She hit him again, and this time, it was harder. "You were the worst... We met up on Horizon, like what really happened, and you were there installing AA turrets. But in my dream, that wasn't a cover story. It was really why you were there."

"Ok, well, I can believe I was installing AA guns a lot more than I bought that story about you..." he said, trying to inject some humor into it. When he saw that her glare remained fixed in place, he realized they had reached the heart of the matter. "Ok, what happened?" he asked with a sigh and a mental cringe. He already wanted to kick his dream self and he hadn't yet heard what had put that look on her face.

"You accused me of betraying you and the Alliance and working for traitors," she growled.

He reared back in shock before he narrowed his eyes and saw that under her obvious anger was a hint of shame as well. "Why did I do that?" he asked.

"I might have forgotten to mention that I was really was dead for two years and not just had failed to contact you," Shepard confessed reluctantly. "And I might have tried to convince you to come work with Cerberus with me..." she added sheepishly. Then she growled in anger again and added, "But you said you loved me!"

"I'm sure I did... I would love you in any reality," he replied, scrambling for damage control.

"No, you didn't say "I love you' you said 'I loved you' – past tense," she spat at him in full blown anger.

"Ok, so not one of my finer moments of communication," Kaidan said, trying to soothe her out of the full-blown mad she was whirling herself into. "But I'm sure dream me didn't mean it that way," he added. Then he ruined any progress he had made with yet another moment of poor communication. "Besides, you just admitted that dream me thought that dream you had been back for two years with no contact and was happily working for Cerberus."

"Ugggh," she roared in angry frustration. "It was like I couldn't say what I really wanted to say... like every word was the script in a really bad vid. But you were no better!" she accused.

Since he only knew of one way to effectively end a tirade like this – especially when he really hadn't earned it – he captured her lips and kissed her senseless. When she was finally far less angry, he pulled back and smiled a bit into her drugged gaze. "It was just a bad dream," he reminded her, "Nothing like that actually happened."

"That's not all, though," she replied, still clinging to the irritation though she knew he was right and it was silly to hold it against him.

"Ok, tell me the rest," he said with a grin, knowing that once she got it all out, he'd just have to kiss her back from the mad again. Not a chore he would hate – far from it, really.

"Well, after I went back to Cerberus and you went back to the Alliance," she waved away his objections when he would have interrupted. "It's what happened in the dream... Anyway, a couple of weeks later, you sent me this email," she pronounced the word scathingly, as if it left a bad taste in her mouth.

"An email?" he asked then couldn't help but cringe at her glare.

"Yeah. 'About Horizon...' Seriously, including the ellipses," she stated with emphasis. "In my dream, I couldn't wait to open it, thinking you had changed your mind, you were going to come back, to help me against the Collectors, we'd be together... whatever."

"I take it that's not what I said?" he asked meekly.

"No," she said very firmly. "Oh, you did apologize for Horizon and talked about how my death had affected you, which I could fully appreciate," she said with a nod, "but then you went on to talk about your date with another woman and how you were trying to move on!" and now she was back to glaring at him, "Then you had the nerve to accuse me of not remembering our night before Illos or it not meaning as much to me. And you wrapped the whole thing up with maybe."

"Maybe?" he asked in genuine confusion.

"'When things settle down a little, maybe... I don't know,'" she quoted.

He winced and mentally burned his dream self in effigy. "Why do I feel like I should apologize even though it didn't really happen?" he asked, mostly rhetorically.

She sighed and fell against him. She buried her face in his chest and muttered, "I told you, you'd think it was stupid."

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "I don't think it's stupid," he said and kissed the top of her head. "But it was just a dream," he soothed, "Nothing like that could ever happen."

"Yeah," she replied. "Cause I'd kick your ass to hell and back," she threatened with a grin.

"And I'd ask you to," he replied with a matching one. "Is that it, then?" he asked to be sure his dream self wasn't coming back to bite him on the ass after this. When she nodded, he went on, "Good. So I think you should stop eating tacos right before bed," he added casually.

"Mmm, maybe," she replied then she realized that 'maybe' was now not one of her favorite words anymore and scowled.

"Maybe..." he echoed with a look that was definitely not a scowl as he drew her up for a kiss, "We should show dream us the way things could have been if they hadn't been so stupid."

"Now that's a maybe I'm looking forward to," she agreed as she met his lips. They spent the rest of the night banishing the dream and if they were a little slow chasing Caleb the next day, neither cared. Some sacrifices were worth making.


End file.
